Conflict Management

How conflict develops and how to deal with it

• • • • • • • • • Money Time Space Chores Interpersonal needs (affection, inclusion, control) Sharing Kids In-laws And on and on and on…

What do we fight about?

• The actions of one person interfere with or create barriers for another

Definition of conflict

• • • • Differing goals Differing on the means of achieving a goal Differing interpersonal needs Enactment of behaviors

Sources of Conflict

• • Two main types: • • Avoiding Erupting Specific types • • • Belt-lining Name calling Gunny sacking

Negative Conflict Management Styles

• • • • A personal attack on another individual “Hit below the belt” Use when you aren’t sure what to do Everyone has emotional beltline • Issues that fall below the belt are sensitive topics • When you hit below the belt, you cause the other person to raise their belt line (cause them to be more sensitive) • Most used by people you know

Belt-lining

• • A form of belt lining Calling the other person names that relate to what they cannot really change • • • • Socioeconomic status Physical features Race Age • Name usually has some element of truth

Name calling

• • • Involves both avoiding and erupting Avoid/pile up issues until your “gunny sack” gets full and you explode • The “final straw” is usually a minor issue • Most vulnerable to use this when you are tired or stressed because you cannot handle as much People who gunny sack will continue to build up issues after an explosion UNLESS they make a conscious effort to change

Gunny-sacking

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

Both parties agree to “fight fair” Set out for a win-win Set a time for the discussion Don’t argue when upset Stop when everyone is happy Lower your emotional beltline Take responsibility 8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

Test assumptions, perceptions Describe behavior you find objectionable Focus on the issue at hand and the future Be flexible (your way may not be the only way) No excuses Do a fun thing after Don’t fear conflict

Positive Conflict Management Strategies

• Definition: stand up for your rights and wishes directly while respecting the rights of the other person

Assertive Communication

Aggressive Communication • • • Attack the self concept of the other individual Disregards the rights of the other person involved Seek to dominate and damage or defeat and destroy Assertive Communication • • • Attacks the position held by the other individual Respects the right of both parties Seeks to promote one’s own needs and wants while honoring the other person

Aggressive vs. Assertive

• • • • Fair treatment • More likely to be assertive when money, grades involved Become able to refuse unreasonable requests Helps you initiate your own requests Promotes responsible expression of feeling

Benefits of Assertiveness

• E.R.A.

 Empathy, Rationale, Action • • • Empathy: show your understanding Rationale: present your reason for your answer Action: tell what you want them to do or what you will do if they do not comply (don’t be threatening)

Verbal Assertiveness

In response to a child’s request to stay out late: “ I know that spending time with your friends is important to you, and you want to have fun . However, it is important to me that you are safe and get enough rest.

You cannot stay out until 1:00 a.m., but you can have a curfew of 11:00 p.m.

”

ERA Example

How would you respond to the following scenarios using the ERA method?

• • • • • Your sixteen-year-old daughter wants a car of her own.

Your spouse wants to buy an $800 television.

You want to approach your instructor about a grade discrepancy.

You did not receive as much money in your financial aid refund as you anticipated receiving.

Your friends want to spend the weekend on a trip out of town, but you have a big project due on Monday.

Practice!