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Assertiveness Dr Ian Harris Learning Outcomes • • • • What is Assertiveness Recognising Behaviours Why should you be more assertive Understanding Beliefs, Rights and Responsibilities • How to be more assertive Agenda/Contents • • • • Assertiveness: an Introduction Rights, Responsibilities, and Beliefs Assertiveness Skills Starting to be more Assertive Ice-Breaker • What do you want to get out of today? Use the sheets on the table to outline your expectations of the day – you have five minutes… Introductory Scenario What is Assertiveness • Consider what Assertiveness is – come up with a definition of what you think assertiveness is… • Confident and direct in dealing with others – Collins Concise English Dictionary • Assertiveness is upholding one’s own integrity and dignity whilst at the same time encouraging and recognising this behaviour in others Three Human Behaviour Types • Flight • Fight • Assertiveness – – – Non Assertive Aggression Considered response to difficult situations Recognising Behaviours • Non Assertive • Assertive and • Aggressive • Time for a quick exercise Group Activity • With Whom can you be assertive? • In your group come up with a list of when you can be assertive and with who • When can you be assertive? A key to assertiveness • Using assertiveness we balance the needs of others with our own needs • We empathise How do people come to be nonassertive • Fear of unpleasant consequences from assertion • Perceiving situations or other people as threatening • Failing to accept your assertive right • Failing to think rationally about yourself • Confusing assertion and aggression • Failing to develop assertive skills • Equating non-assertion with politeness • Confusing non-assertion with helpfulness Our Reason's for Non-Assertive Behaviour • • • • Fear of Upsetting Others Fear of Rejection Feeling Responsible for the other person Self Defeating Mind-Games – Generalising, Doomsdaying, Labelling, Mind Reading, Filtering, Personalising • The Tyranny circle of musts • The prison bars of inappropriate obligation Non-Assertive Behaviour (cont.) • Self-Talk – Failure and Success Circles • The Tyranny of Inner Voices – “Don’t make a fuss” – now come up with some of your own… Aggressive Behaviour • Define an aggressive person: • Aggressive people know what they want and like and usually get it, in their minds they are superior • Normally, developed young, identified that aggressive behaviour got them what they wanted How do people become aggressive • They perceive situations or other people as threatening • Believing that aggression is the best approach • Earlier Non-assertion • Over-reaction because of a previous experience • Failing to think rationally about yourself • Failing to develop Assertive skills But don’t you have to be aggressive to get to the top? • Senior people behave aggressively don’t they? • Perhaps they do assert themselves, sometimes blatantly, especially in meetings when objectives have not been met • Often success is attributed (wrongly) to aggression – but is success and aggression correlatable • So, yes Senior Managers can behave aggressively, but they rarely behave aggressively for long and they rarely bully So Why be more Assertive • Setting the expectations of an irate customer or supplier • Conveying bad news to senior management • Carrying out an appraisal with a member of staff that is not positive • Chasing people who have not done a required piece of work for you Assertive Behaviour • • • • • So what can an assertive person do..? Psychological Advantages The Liberation of Inner Voices The Liberation Circle Affirmations Rights, Responsibilities, and Beliefs Rights and Responsibilities • Spend five minutes, as individuals, pairs or groups • Identify some basic human rights – – – – – – – Be treated with respect To express opinions To say no To ask for what you want To make mistakes Change their mind Get what they pay for Responsibilities • Being accountable for one’s actions and decisions • We must treat other people as we expect to be treated ourselves • You must therefore respect the rights of others to say “no” to your request and if you say “no” to someone else’s request you are responsible for managing that impact on the relationship Corresponding Responsibilities • Rights • I have the right to: – Be treated with respect – Express opinions and feelings – Set my own goals – Refuse a request or say “no” – Ask for what I want • Responsibilities • Consequently my responsibility’s are: – Respect the rights of others – Welcome the opinions and feelings of others – Help others set goals – Encourage others to use their time in the way that they want – Encourage others to fulfil their needs Rights and Responsibilities at Work • Statutory Employee Rights • Organisational Employee Rights • Personal Employee Rights • Responsibilities at work Beliefs • Beliefs define your ability to determine your rights • Beliefs are what you hold true – You should not be cheeky to your elders – You should not borrow more than you can afford to pay back • We feel emotionally certain about these, even if on close questioning we don’t understand why we feel that way How do beliefs affect behaviour Barrier Beliefs • Barrier Beliefs act as a barrier to stop you acting assertively • There are some aggressive and nonassertive barrier beliefs Assertive Beliefs • I am responsible for what happens to me • I am in control, I can choose how to behave • I can change • I can initiate actions and achieve results • I can learn from feedback • I believe assertiveness does work But how can you modify Beliefs • Know what your barrier beliefs are – At school you were called thick by your teacher for asking questions, on reflection now you realise that asking questions is essential, however, you still suffer from feeling un confident for asking questions • Contrast the belief with the knowledge you now have • Know what other people believe • Look for instances that disprove the belief • Acting “as if” you held a different belief Assertiveness Skills Practicing Skills Contents • What you say, and how you say it • Starting to be more assertive – Making Requests • How to give assertive instructions – Negotiating Assertively • Negotiating an excessive workload • How to disagree – – – – Giving Praise and Feedback Receiving Praise and Feedback Giving Bad News Handling Aggression Verbal and Non Verbal clues to Assertiveness • What you say • The way you say it…and • Your body language all influence your assertiveness… • Which do you think influences assertiveness most? • Body Language must be reinforcing the message! What you say – verbal aspects of behaviour • What you say influences perception • The way you say it influences perception • How you act/behave (non-verbally) influences perception Non Assertive Body Language Non Assertive Body Language • Posture – Bent, Slumped, Crooked • Facial Expression – Blank, Half Smiling, Uninterested, Afraid • Eyes – Looking Down, Minimum Eye Contact • Speech and Voice – Quiet, Slow, Weak, Quick (when afraid) • Gestures – Restless, Nodding Head, Pinching Flesh, Wringing hands Aggressive Body Language Aggressive Body Language • Posture – Rigid, Tight Fists, Clenched Teeth • Facial Expression – Tight Jaw, Glancing, Frowning, Eyes Squinting, Tense • Eyes – Staring, Bulging, Glazed over • Speech and Voice – Fast, Loud, Clipped, High Pitched, Demanding, Opinionated • Gestures – Pointing, Finger wagging, Finger stabbing, Invading personal space, Tense Assertive Body Language Assertive Body Language • Posture – Upright, Relaxed, Open • Facial Expression – Committed, Concerned, Interested, Responsive • Eyes – High Eye contact • Speech and Voice – Direct, Relaxed, Friendly, Well Moderated, Not Strained • Gestures – Open, Hands not raised above elbow, Parallel Shoulders Exercise Time • • • • • Voice Speech Pattern Facial Expression Eye Contact Body Movements • A quick summary Let’s check out some video taken earlier Starting to be more assertive • Starting to be more assertive – Making Requests • How to give assertive instructions – Negotiating Assertively • Negotiating an excessive workload • How to disagree – – – – Giving and Receiving Criticism Giving and Receiving Praise and Feedback Giving Bad News Handling Aggression Making Requests • Have you ever found it difficult to make requests of others? • How do beliefs affect your ability to make requests • Or you may think aggressively • Don’t forget there are personal and professional requests! How to make requests • • • • • • • Don’t apologise profusely Be Direct Keep it short Give a reason for your request Don’t sell your request Don’t play with friendship Don’t take a refusal personally How to give more assertive instructions • Management is about asking people for what you want • But were you taught as a child that asking for things is rude? • We make excuses and play games • A model for assertive instructions – “Mary will you complete that report before you go home tonight so that I can have it for the Management Meeting first thing tomorrow” Thank you Negotiating Assertively • Can you say “no” if someone employs you? • Ideally, rather than say no – two assertive people would fabricate a win/win scenario • What’s the difference between a win/win and a compromise • Practice at developing Win/Win will lead to more win/win outcomes – it’s self replicating The principals behind assertive negotiation • Clarify the other persons needs • Consider what might happen if you have been asked by your team presenter to present the report via power point the following day. The slides are all completed he says, you just need to deliver the content – what questions might you ask? 1. State your position positively 2. Show recognition of the other person’s needs 3. Subtly state that you are looking for a win/win – – Can we find a way to make this work for both of us? I’d like to agree with you an approach that we are both happy with 4. State your own needs – I do want to help on the project, however 5. If they are your boss state that you respect their right to make the final decision 6. Sound and look positive What about Hassles? • Roadblocks kills negotiation – keep the traffic flowing even if they are coming up with crass reasons to de-rail – E.g. Nobody else has complained • Response – I accept no one else has complained, nonetheless it is a problem for me – I’ve always helped you out • Response - Yes you have and I want you to help me on this one. However, we need to look for another way of doing it Negotiating Excessive Workloads • Are excessive workloads a sign of the new economy? • Can you really negotiate on workloads – I mean I’m contracted to deliver my responsibilities • I am weak – – – – I ought to be able to handle this pressure If I complain, they’ll only think that I cannot cope I’m only doing the same hours as everyone else I’ve done it for the last 6 months, why am I complaining now • BUT, you have a home/life balance you need to maintain Two approaches may be taken • Firstly, Negotiate the next time it becomes an issue • Secondly, raise it as a distinct issue Before you do either: • Clarify and practice what you are aiming for, ideally a win-win • Check that you have a sound inner dialogue ready Negotiating the next time it happens • Key here is to state your position positively within the first 10 seconds • What are the options – There are other resources are they used in the same way? – Explore different ways of getting the work done – Explore your workload and precisely why you cannot do the extra work • Basically, over a period of time you will chip away at the problem, this may or may not work – if it does not work then… Raising your workload as a distinct issue • Advantages – can get action quicker, Disadvantage – can create an over-reaction on the other side – Raise the issue in the appropriate time, don’t bail when you been asked to do just a few extra jobs (but don’t leave it too long either) – Know what is acceptable to you work/life balance – Note what your workload has been over a period of weeks/months • Reasonable, Excessive, Too Long are good words to use • But what about contract rights “being expected to work the hours required by the job” – Does that not forfeit your right to negotiate workload? • Split into pairs. Each pair choose two of the following “Hassles” and create a response to it – you will be asked to present these: – – – – – – “That’s the nature of the job” “You knew this was not a 9-5 job when you took it on” “That’s what we pay you for” “No one else has complained” “It’s the same for all of us” “So you are saying that you cannot handle the job” Hassle Possible Response “That’s the nature of the “I appreciate that hard work is involved and I’m job” happy with that. My concern is that the long hours have been consistent over the last two months” “You knew this was not “I accept that Sarah, nonetheless the hours have a 9-5 job when you took changed significantly over the last two months and it on” that’s what I would like to discuss” “That’s what we pay you for” “I’m happy with the pay side, it’s the effects of the long hours that I’d like to talk about” “No one else has complained” “Well, I know the high workloads affect people differently. It is an issue for me at the moment, so I would like to explore it with you” “It’s the same for all of us” “I know that’s true, Mike. What I’m concerned about is that the consistently long hours may have some undesirable side effects” “So you are saying that you cannot handle the job” “No, I am handling it. However, in doing so, a number of issues come to the fore and that’s what I’d like to talk about” A model to answer such Hassles • • • • Acknowledge the Hassle Explicitly recognise your Managers Issues State what you would like to happen Stress that you are looking to explore alternatives • Focus on benefit outcomes • Look for win/win How to disagree • The disagreement process is very similar to the “Dealing with Hassles” Model – The Affirmative Statement – The Softening Statement – Indicate the coming Process – State Reasons – Disagree – Compromise An example of a disagreement process • “You can’t have an increase in salary” – Affirmative – Yes I know it must be difficult – Softening – I know that business has not been good these past few months – Indicate – But my position is this – State – I was promised a raise within 3 months of starting and that was deferred. I have now been here 12 months, and besides doing good work, you have increased my responsibilities considerably – Disagree – So it’s important that I get the pay rise that is due to me, thank you Getting and Giving Critical Feedback Handling Criticism • Don’t lose sight that criticism can be both positive and negative, • But how do you decide which is which, and how do you respond? • Remember that criticism is feedback about your behaviour • Verify that the behaviour being criticised is not unfounded – does it have a basis • Don’t let the criticism, expand… • Criticism should be thought through, not fought through • If the criticism is not specific then it has no value Responding to Criticism • Accept that criticism is going to happen… • Being assertive is a good response to criticism • Don’t think that you have to personally react to all criticism – you may not need to change • What do you think an aggressive person does when criticised • Being assertive in a large measure is about removing emotion from any responses – keep it rational • Criticism does not affect their dignity or integrity Giving and Receiving Praise and Feedback Giving Praise • Beliefs can stop us giving praise • What might stop you from giving praise? • How have you felt when you’ve given praise? • So how would these beliefs and feelings affect your ability to give praise? • So how can you give praise? Receiving Praise • How do you feel when you are receiving praise? What if you don’t know the person who is praising you? • If you don’t accept praise, you are punishing the giver – and if you never accept praise the whole environment will suffer as all you will be reacting to is criticism (ouch) • So, how do you receive praise? • The benefits of receiving positive feedback... Giving Bad News How do you manage other peoples expectations • How would you tell a colleague that the report you had promised to her would not be ready until 2 days after the deadline • How would you tell a member of your staff that they were not going to get a regarding • Company policy has changed and they can no-longer subsidise the staff canteen • So how can give you give bad news assertively Some hints • • • • Take the initiative Give the specific bad news Indicate any specific implications Agree to listen to suggestions for overcoming the issues • And don’t hide behind the organisation or a higher level manager…own the news • But what about if you disagree with the bad news Handling Aggression from Others • Think about an aggressive encounter you have had…how did it make you feel… • Think about a time when you did not handle an aggressive attack well – What did you do – What should you have done • Would anyone like to share this experience with us? • Normally we can: – Respond with aggression – You may have apologised – You may have gone on the “defensive” • People normally respond like this when they are not in control of their inner dialogue and feelings • Aggression can be easily categorised into – Personal Attacks – Lower level • Patronising, blaming, sarcasm • Sometimes your perception of someone shouting at you might be… • Them being angry with themselves but not being able to deal with it that way • Them being angry with someone else, whom they don’t feel they can express their anger at So how do you handle aggression • Ideally by directing it towards an assertiveassertive dialogue – To do this you must defuse the aggression of the other person/persons – By understanding your inner dialogues – And using a model similar to the following A conceptual Model Some high level points • You may or may not go through the various levels • Sometimes stage one will suffice, other times you will want to cut the communication pdq! • If aggression is curtailed do not go through the other steps…they are unnecessary Exercise • See Modelforhandlingaggression.doc… Everyday Put-Downs • What does… – Haven’t you finished that report yet? Really mean – I think you are taking too long over that report • What might you do if someone said “Haven’t you finished that report yet!” to you? – Aggressive Response = some clever retort – NonAss Response = ignore (even if you are irritated) – What would be an assertive response to that..? Put-Down Categories Put Down Responses Practice makes Perfect • Dealing with put-downs or aggression often occurs on the spur of the moment. To ensure you have the right responses ready you will need to practice your responses: – With a colleague – In the Mirror – At home with your partner? Prerequisites • Video Camera • Nobo Boards