Transcript Finding Your Voice: Assertiveness Skills

Finding Your Voice:
Assertiveness Skills
Women’s Summit
University of Montana
November 13, 2008
Why learn to be more assertive?
 Helps you avoid:
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Depression (helpless, hopeless)
Resentment
Frustration
Temper/violence
Anxiety, which leads to avoidance
Physical issues (headaches, ulcers, high
blood pressure, etc.)
Poor relationships
Why learn to be more assertive?
“The way we communicate with others and with
ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our
lives.”
~Anthony Robbins
“Relationships slowly disintegrate, one failed or missing
conversation at a time.” ~Susan Scott
“…the meek do not inherit the Earth, they serve those
who are self-confident and self-assertive.”
~Dean Koontz
Assertiveness Quiz
1. Do you buy things you do not want because
you are afraid to say no to the salesperson?
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No. You know that you have a right to say no
and to make choices.
Assertiveness Quiz
2. When you do not understand the meaning of
a word, do you ask about it?
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Yes. You take responsibility for getting your
needs met. Fear of seeming ignorant does
not prevent you from asking questions.
Assertiveness Quiz
3. Do you feel responsible when things go
wrong, even if it is not your fault?
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No. You take responsibility your own
behavior, but not for things beyond your
control. To feel responsible for things that
are out of your control leads to unnecessary
guilt.
Assertiveness Quiz
4. Do you look directly at others when you talk
to them?
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Yes. You don’t over-do it, but eye contact is
assertive and suggests sincerity, selfconfidence and the expectation that others
will listen.
Assertiveness Quiz
5. Do you often text or email someone about a
conflict instead of talking to them face to
face?
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No. You can have a face to face
conversation about an issue, even if it’s a bit
uncomfortable.
Assertiveness Quiz
6. Do you feel intimidated by people in
authority?
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No. You can be respectful without allowing
status to intimidate you.
Assertiveness Quiz
7. Do you generally have good posture?
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Yes. Good posture communicates a positive
self-image. (When posture is limited by a
disability, good eye contact and facial
expression can be used to express a positive
self-image.)
Assertiveness Quiz
8. Do you often feel so angry you could
scream?
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No. You can work to get your needs met and
not let situations build to the point of crisis.
Assertiveness Quiz
9. Do you know how to ask for help without
feeling dependent?
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Yes. You can ask for help without feeling
dependent because you maintain a strong
sense of self-worth and self-respect.
Assertiveness Quiz
10. If someone cuts in front of you in line, do
you usually tell them off?
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No. Telling someone off is an angry,
aggressive response. You know you can
speak up and say you are next and ask the
person to move to the end of the line.
What keeps us from
speaking up?
What is assertiveness?
The middle ground between being a bully
and a doormat
Assertiveness is…
 Being direct and appropriately expressive
 Standing up for yourself: stating your
opinions, feelings and thoughts without
blaming the other person
 Respectful: of others’ opinions, feelings and
thoughts
Assertiveness is NOT…
 A guaranteed way to win every argument
 A guaranteed way to get what you want
 A way to get others to feel like you feel or
think like you think
 Telling everybody everything all the time
Aggression is…
 Standing up for yourself but violating the
rights of someone else.
 Attacking the person instead of the problem
 Likely to establish a pattern of fear and
avoidance of the aggressor
Non-assertive/passive behavior
is…
 Failing to stand up for yourself
 Avoiding the problem
 Likely to establish a pattern of others taking
advantage of you
Getting Ready to be Assertive
 Thoughts and feelings are not right or wrong
 FACTS are correct or incorrect, but thoughts
are just thoughts
 Feelings are not logical, so are not right or
wrong
3 parts to assertive communication
1.
empathy/validation: “I know you’re
stressed by trying to be on time…”
2. statement of problem:
“but when you
follow me around I get flustered…”
3. request:
“from now on can we agree what
time we need to leave by and if you’re ready
first, give me some space…?”
How to be effectively assertive…
 Use assertive body language
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Face the other person, stand or sit straight
Pleasant, serious facial expression
Voice calm and soft, not whiny
How to…
 “I statements”
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Take responsibility for your own feelings
Removes right and wrong from the
conversation
 Avoid “you make me feel…” statements
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Gives over control to others
Blames others for what is going on inside you
“You” statements
 Often means you are volunteering to be a
victim, or blaming someone else
 Blame often leads to arguing about who’s
thoughts and feelings are right
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Your feelings are neither right nor wrong
Other’s feelings are neither right nor wrong
Use facts, not judgments:
“Did you know that your shirt has some
spots on it?”
not
“You’re not going out like that, are
you?”
Own your thoughts and feelings
“I get angry when he breaks his promises.”
not
“He makes me so angry.”
Focus
 Focus on specific behavior, not generalities
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specific: “I was frustrated when you didn’t
return my text”
general: “You’re so irresponsible, it really
makes me mad.”
Make clear requests
“Would you be willing to…”
“Will you please…”
Don’t count on:
“Why don’t you…”
“Would you mind…”
Not Assertive:
 Generalizing:
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“You’re just being mean.”
 Presenting something as fact:
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“This is just the way it’s done” or “You’re
wrong to feel that.”
 Attempting to coerce:
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“If you don’t do it my way…”
Making Requests
 What would you like to be different?
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“I was frustrated when you didn’t answer my
text. I would really appreciate it if you would
get back to me quicker.”
For difficult situations, try…
 Broken record: keep repeating your point in a low
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level, pleasant voice
Fogging: deflect negative, manipulative criticism by
agreeing with the fact, but retain the right to change
your behavior
Content to process shift: stop talking about the
problem and bring up a problem behavior
Defusing: let them cool down before discussing
further
Summarization: you check out if you are
understanding the other person
Challenges and limits
 “I told someone how I felt and it didn’t do any
good”
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Assertiveness is not a guarantee that
someone will chose to change
It may be challenging at first because it is
breaking old rules
To get started…
 Start with small, less important issues
 Start with people you don’t know: sales
clerks, phone solicitors, etc.
 THEN, practice with people you know and
have relationships with
Remember…
 It’s a conversation, NOT a monologue
 AVOID attempting to be assertive by texting,
emailing, etc.
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These are NOT conversations, they are
declarations. Often an attempt to get control
while avoiding the tough conversation.
The good news…
 Once you get more used to being assertive,
you will feel more effective in general
 Once you have some successes you will feel
more confident
 Assertiveness can become a habit, so
requires little thought after a while
 Once you are more assertive, you probably
will not need to use the techniques that much
 When you respect yourself, others will too
Let’s practice a little…
 Think of a current situation in your life that
has been bothering you…just a minor
annoyance
 Write down how you would like to approach
the person.
 Remember the 3 parts:
1. Empathy/validation
2. Statement of problem
3. Request
Your Rights:
 You have the right to:
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Express feelings in ways that do not violate the
dignity of others
Change your mind
Make mistakes (and take responsibility)
Express positive feelings toward others
Be non-assertive in chosen situations
Say “no” without guilt
Be angry when mistreated
Get what you pay for/not be cheated
Make your own decisions and live your life as you
choose