Transcript Build Trust as You Communicate Chapter 9

Build Trust as You
Communicate
Chapter 9
We share communication in 4 ways
•Speaking
•Writing
•Reading
•Listening
Listening vs Hearing
•Hearing is
automatic
–Your auditory
membranes
process the sound
waves
–In the meantime,
your brain can be
oblivious to the
message or
meanings being
transmitted
Listening vs. Hearing
• Listening is active
– You consciously choose
to do
– It can not occur without
your effort, your attention,
your concentration
– Requires a proactive
decision to do so,
followed by internal and
external behaviors aimed
at maximizing the
probability of receiving an
accurate message
Study (Barker et al 1981) found that
• Students spent 53% of their time
in listening activities
• Students spent approximately
14% of their communicating time
writing
• 16% reading
• 17%speaking
• Employees of major corporations
spend about 60% of their workday
listening to others
Most people fail to listen well
•Communication as a two-way
street
•A reason for poor listening
may be memory deficits
•Hearing a ten-minute
presentation, the average
person understands only half
what is said
•After two days, another onehalf is forgotten
•Expect to remember ¼ of
what you heard two days
before
The seven habits of effective people
• “Seek first to understand, then to
be understood.”
• Build rapport by first
understanding the other person’s
paradigm
• Fill out listening questionnaire on
page 212
Effective communication
• Listening requires you have at
least one of the four following
intentions:
– To understand someone
– To enjoy someone
– To learn something
– To give help or solace
Pseudo-listening
• Pretending to listen to make people think
you’re interested in them so you will be
liked
• Being vigilant to watch for signs of
potential rejection
• Listening for one specific bit of
information and ignoring everything else
• Focusing on your rebuttal or the next
thing you want to say rather than on
anything the person is saying
• Pretending to listen so someone will
listen to you
Pseudo-listening (cont)
• Listening to uncover someone’s vulnerabilities
or weakness in order to take or gain an
advantage
• Looking only for the weak points in the speaker’s
line of communication for your counterattack
• Checking only to see how the speaker is reacting
to make sure you produce the desired effect
• Half-listening because that is what a nice person
would do in the same situation
• Feigning listening because you don’t know how
to get away without hurting someone's feelings
or offending them. Or your willingness to listen
falters because the other person is boring you,
and you are unsure how to make a graceful exit.
(Listening to be polite)
Blocks to effective Listening
•Judging
•Mind Reading
•Stereotyping
•Interrupting
•Comparing
•Derailing
•Placating
•Overreacting
Advising
Rehearsing
Stage-Hogging
Filtering
Dueling
Daydreaming
Hidden Agendas
•“We have been
given two ears but
a single mouth, in
order that we may
hear more and talk
less.”
–Zeno of Citium
Active Listening
• Also known as reflective listening
– Paraphrasing
– Clarifying
– Feedback
Empathic Listening
• I sense you are feeling….
• You feel……
• Self-exercise…student’s keep
your books closed.
Rewrite from the woman’s pov
Listening with awareness
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•
Nonverbal behavior
Double messages
Paralanguage
Personal space
Detecting Deception
• Signs of Autonomic Nervous
System arousal—swallowing,
blinking more
• Body movements
– When lying people gesture less, but
often an increase in self-touching such
as rubbing, scratching or rubbing
Speech patterns
liars give evasive or indirect answers,
overly detailed or complicated
explanations or respond with defense
tirades
Rules for Effective Non-verbal communication
• Maintain good eye contact
• Use appropriate body language
• Speak clearly, fairly rapidly and
modulate your tone
• Use the power of touch
appropriately
• Respect other’s personal space
Non-verbal
• Maintain good eye contact
• Lean forward slightly
• Nodding or saying “uh huh” to
make speaker know you are
listening
• Keeping your arms open
Chapter 10
•How to be a good
conversationist
How to be a good conversationist
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Keep your message interesting
Show your sense of humor
Show an interest in the other person
Avoid monopolizing the conversation
Stay focused on the topic at hand
Offer sincere compliments when
appropriate
• Refrain from engaging in annoying
mannerisms such as fidgeting or using
irritating expressions
Rapport Building
•Propinquity –
having frequent
contact with a
person because
you live close by or
work nearby at the
same workplace
Making a good first impression
• Refrain from discussing controversial
topics such as religion or politics.
• Keep personal health problems (I’m really
constipated) for your family members
• Jokes are fine, but avoid any that are offcolor, could be perceived as prejudicial, or
that are very lengthy and involved
• Face the person squarely, lean forward,
stand upright and maintain good eye
contact
• Keep your arms open, don’t touch your
face, and resist shifting your weight
between your legs (appears as if you want
to get away as soon as possible).
The art of small talk
• Begin with a simple statement.
• Introduce yourself (offer
something personal about
yourself)
• Select a general interest topic
• Keep the conversation moving by
making associations to other
subjects by asking questions
• Pay attention to the other person
• Make a graceful exit.
Assertiveness
•Being able to
stand up for your
rights and express
your needs and
ideas in an
appropriate manner
•Doing the above
without violating
the rights of others
Passivity
•Non-assertion
•Violating own
rights
•Permitting others
to potentially take
advantage of you
•Repressing your
thoughts, your
voice
•Expressing your
self through
apology
•Avoiding conflict
at any cost.
Aggression
•Directly standing up
for your personal
rights and expressing
thoughts, feelings,
needs and beliefs in
ways which can be
dishonest, usually
inappropriate or
intimidating
•Always violates the
rights of others
•Winning assumed by
humiliating others
Passive-Aggressiveness
•Indirect form of
aggression
•Literally, we get
back at someone
•You fail to do
something you say
you would do (even
includes the silent
treatment)
Assertiveness Skills
• Page 232 Scenarios.
Assertiveness
•Benefits
–Maximizes the likelihood
of having yours and
others’ needs met
–Lowers personal level of
stress
–Helps ward off illness
–Increases self-respect
–Increases other’s respect
for you.
•Consequences of Not
Being Assertive
•Passive:
–Loss of self-esteem
–Increased sense of
resentment or anger
–Stress level increases
–Anxiety and depression
increases
–Psychosomatic illnesses
•Aggressive
–Cost your job, friends,
family
–High Blood Pressure
–Physical fights
–Problems with the law
–Feelings of being
unloved, misunderstood
Why people fail to be assertive
• Fear of loss of approval
• Failing to distinguish between
assertive and aggressive
• Mistaking non-assertion for politeness
• Mistaking passivity for helpfulness
• Aggression is usually outgrowth of
feelings of powerlessness
• Maladaptive belief that aggression is
justified
• Aggression resulting from feelings of
anger or hurt
• Failure to accept your personal rights
The Assertiveness Bill of Rights
•You have the right to be the ultimate judge of yourself and your behavior.
Your behavior is your space, and you more than others have to live with it.
You have the right to set your own priorities.
Again, your life, your time, your priorities are your space.
You have the right to refuse a request without feeling guilty.
A request is not a requirement.
You have the right to ask for what you want (knowing that others have the right to refuse).
Asking is not demanding. You are not invading their space by asking.
You have the right to offer no excuses or reasons to justify your behavior.
You don't have to justify your use of your space, as long as it does not interfere with
others
You have the right to get what you pay for.
Others don't have the right to take from you without fair exchange.
You have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them and learn from them.
You don't have to make your space look perfect to others.
You have the right to have and express your own feelings and opinions.
Your space.
You have the right to change your mind.
Your space.
You have the right to not assert your rights.
You can decide where, when, and with whom you will set your boundaries.
Assertiveness Framework
•Step 1—The
problem behavior
•Step 2 –Effects
•Step 3—
Consequences
•Step 4 –
Alternatives to the
Problem Behavior
Non-verbal Aspects of Assertiveness
• How you say what you say is as
important as what you say
• If non-verbal behaviors are incongruent
with your message, you may sabotage
it
• Demonstrate a demeanor consistent
with assertiveness
• Maintain eye contact
• Keep arms open
• Gesture freely
• Tone of voice most important
nonverbal aspect of assertiveness
Communication Styles
• Verbal Behaviors of Assertive
People
– Direct Statements
– Honest Expression of Feelings
– Describe objective behaviors
– Use “I” statements
– Straightforward
– Good Listeners
– Talk Slowly
– Emphasize key words
Communication Styles
• Non-Verbal Behaviors of Assertive
People
– Action congruent with words
– Good eye contact
– Firm, calm voice
– Assured manner
– Gesturing
– Leaning forward
– Erect posture
– Open arms
– Face person squarely
Communication Styles
• You demonstrate Yourself as:
– Confident
– Effective
– Respectful
– Valued
– Relieved
Communication Styles
• Others View you as:
– Respected
– Valued
Communication Styles
• End results are:
– Problem solving skills increased
– High self-esteem
– Self-respect
– Respect of others
– Satisfaction
– Good relationships
– Less stress
– Improved Health
Asserting Yourself with Aggressive People
•Use empathic
assertions
•Communicate
feelings of what the
person is
expressing
•Keep your focus
•Postpone the
discussion until
things cool off
•Use the broken
record technique
Broken Record Technique
• Repeat your request, over and
over again
• Calmly continue with your
request, even during their
protestations.
• Be willing to interrupt
Persuasion
• Involve Timing and Tact
– Timing
• Where are your priorities
• Not talking too much or too little
• More effective to express your opinion
after 1/3 to ½ have already expressed
theirs as the group already has a census
of how others feel about the situation
• State thoughts clearly
• Express yourself as a capable person
Persuasion
• Tact
– Use empathic stroke or warm up the
group to your opinion
– Genuinely seeing other’s view of the
issue
– Use respect
Aspects of the Communicator
• Work to establish knowledge
and/or expertise
• Speak rapidly enhances
persuasiveness
Aspects of the Message
• Emotional message or appeals
tend to be more convincing than
dispassionate speeches
• Present both sides of the
argument
• Repeat the key points of your
position in various ways
Aspects of your audience
• Take into consideration aspects of
your audience
• More educated, more
knowledgeable groups will
respond better than less
educated, less-knowledgeable
groups
How to Resist Being Manipulated
• You always have a right to say
“NO.”
• It is not your job, responsibility, or
duty to always please the other
people in your life
Sales Tactics
•Low ball technique
–Unbelievable low price, until you decide to
buy and then all hidden costs appear
•If you would not have agreed to make the
purchase if the revised price had been offered
initially, walk away form the deal
Scarcity Principle
•“Last Chance” to
purchase makes
individuals see items as
more valuable
•Just because an item is
scarce or at a low price, it
will not necessarily feel,
sound, taste, or work any
better than if it were more
readily available
Door in the Face Technique
•A large request is
made for a big
donation, followed
by a smaller
request
•You can say no
twice.
Foot in the door technique
• Salespeople go out of their way to
befriend you, to establish rapport
before making a request
• Just because you like someone
doesn’t mean you have to comply
Sales Tactics
• That’s not all technique
– “But wait, there’s more”
– If you don’t really want or need the
main product, nor the extra goodies,
then, just say no.
Miscellaneous Compliance
• Do not feel guilty if you can avoid
being exploited
• Do not be afraid to question
authority
• Modeling is good, however, if you
sense that what is being modeled
is somehow phony or a false setup to elicit your compliance, that’s
your cue to take a strong stand
and say no.