Transcript A Good Working Definition of “Conflict”? •Conflict means perceived divergence of interest, or a belief that the parties' current aspirations cannot be.

A Good Working Definition of “Conflict”?
•Conflict means perceived divergence of interest, or a belief that the
parties' current aspirations cannot be achieved simultaneously. (Pruitt
and Rubin)
•Conflict is a struggle between opponents over values and claims to
scarce status, power and resources. (Coser)
•A social conflict arises when two or more persons or groups manifest
the belief that they have incompatible objectives. (Kriesberg)
Pieces of a conflict
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Participants / stakeholders
Duration / History
Context
Allies and enemies
Time and Intensity
Unit of Analysis
• •Interpersonal
• Inter-Group (racial, ethnic,
labor/management)
• Organizational (within organizations,
across bureaucracies)
• Public Policy (environment, social
policy, immigration)
• International and intra-national
How Do Decide Conflict Approach
• assumptions about the underlying
roots/bases of the conflict being
confronted
• beliefs about the kinds of actions that
bring about the transformation of the
conflict
All theories of conflict and conflict transformation
are subjective. Accordingly, different individuals
looking at the same conflict may hold contrasting
and perhaps even contradictory theories of what
the conflict ‘is about, how to transform it, and what
constitute success.
Four Perspectives on the Source
of Social Conflicts
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Structural Approaches
Cognitive Approaches
Interest-based Approaches
Emotional Approaches
Conditions for resolving conflict
• Opportunity: Costs, pause, developments
• Capacity: Interpersonal skills, time
• Volition (will): Cost, tired, losing
Definitions of framing
• Tools of analysis
• Lens through which we filter information to make
sense of the word (Carstedt quote, p. 10)
– Maps, windows, mind-sets, schema, cognitive lenses,
orientations, filters, prisms, perspectives (bias?)
• The process by which a communication source
defines and constructs a puplic issue
Why frame
• Helps us deal with complexity
– “Cognitive Misers”
– “A good frame makes it easier to know what you are
up against, and what you can do about it.”
– Gladwell’s “Blick” process (Bolman, p. 11)
– Chess
• To frame arguments so that:
– They are constructive
– We can gain allies within the cultural context
– We can win
• To explore new ways of looking at a problem
Successful Framing
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E- Experiential
C – Culturally Resonant
M – Morally Urgent
D- Diagnosis
Successful frame analysis – reframe,
multiframe
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rm8Nt77
C-u4&feature=related
Problems with framing
• Anchoring – holding on to the wrong
diagnostic tool
• Theory becomes theology
• Black swan (Taleb)
Bolman and Deal’s Frames
• Structural – orgs as factories, monitoring,
performance measurement
• Human resource – orgs as family,
trust/don’t trust, building capacity, round
pegs for round holes
• Political – orgs as arenas for competition,
needs fulfillment
• Symbolic – temples and carnivals,
symbols, “vision”
Some clips
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y
-- Python
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pri-46jmoxE –
winning without being right
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liKm3r7-uc0 –
legalize
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9ho-ktAN9c
– mosque
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sDT0ZPDqg
s - Fracking
More clips
• Cosby argument -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDw6u
GcSmQs
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVrmuf
XxAfI&feature=related – Cosby
mom/daughter
NWS Public hearing
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Article on abducted 8-year-old passed out
No ground rules or agenda
“More secure than online banking”
Suits not uniforms
It’s about making you safe
It’s about collaboration and trust
It’s about money defining policy
Pat’s wooden Boys and Girls Club member card
Politics is a struggle over
“naming, framing, and blaming”
• “Illegal immigration is a scourge that threatens the very future
of our nation”Tom Tancredo, Member of the House of
Representatives
• Republican immigration reforms "would literally criminalize the
Good Samaritan and probably even Jesus himself."Hillary
Clinton, Member of the US Senate
I take open-mindedness to be
a willingness to construe
knowledge and values from
multiple perspectives without
loss of commitment to one’s
own values. Openmindedness is the keystone
of what we call a democratic
culture.
-Jerome Bruner
A “Wise Agreement”
• Meets the legitimate interests of the
parties
• Resolves conflicting interests
• Efficient
• Durable
• Improve (or not damage) relationship
Benefits of Positions
• Communicates information
• Anchor in stressful, dynamic situations
• Can eventually lead to compromise
positions
Problems with positions
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Get locked in.
Loss track of what really matters
Ego, saving face, agreement becomes less likely
If agreement happens, its likely involve
“mechanical splitting of differences.”
• Inefficient
• Battle of wills, takes toll on relationships
• Problem with “soft” positional bargaining: O
Henry story of hair and watch / hard vs. soft
“Principled” or Interest-Based
Negotiation
• Step 1: Separate the people from the
problem
• Step 2: Focus on interests, not positions
• Step 3: Brainstorm. Generate a variety of
possibilities before settling on a solution
• Step 4: Insist on objective criteria
Step One: Separate People from
Problem
• Hard on problem, soft on people
• Participants are problem solvers
• Proceed absence of trust
Step 2: Focus on Interests
• Explore interests
• Avoid having a bottomline
Step 3: Invent multiple options
• Open brainstorm
• Options are not commitments
• Decide later
Insist on Using Objective Criteria
• Try to reach results based on objective
standards
• Be open to reason. Yield to reason, not
pressure
What if they are more powerful?
• Make the most of the assets you do have
• Don’t agree to something you should not
agree to
• We negotiate to get a better result than we
would otherwise get
BATNA
• Best Alternative to a negotiated agreement
• Also WATNA (Worst) MATNA (most likely)
• Trip wire vs bottom line?
Strengthen your BATNA
• Higher BATNA, higher Power
• Information!
• What actions would you take if no agreement is
reached?
• Which of those options seems best? Develop it.
Don’t take all the options in aggregate.
• Know the other sides BATNA
• Can you both have better BATNAs than a
negotiated agreement?
• Create space for principled negotiation
• Find allies, seek advice, reframe the issue
Clips
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYGJNh
8wFRc&feature=related – negotiation
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iZ5cftT
1Mg&feature=related - listening
Reflective Listening
• Really hearing and understanding what the other
person is communicating through words and
body language.
• Reflecting (saying to the other) succinctly the
thoughts and feelings you heard through your
own words, tone of voice, body posture, and
gestures so that the other knows he or she has
been heard and understood.
• Neil Katz, Communication and Conflict
Resoution Skills
RL Skill Set
• Attending Skills
– Posture: Relaxed and at ease but attentive, open not
closed
– Physical contact: Eye contact, distance, touching(?)
– Gestures: Both positive (heart felt) and negative
(fidgeting, looking at phone)
– Interested silence: Active and attentive
– Selecting the appropriate environment: Private,
remove barriers, free of distractions.
• Katz
Skill set cont.
• Responding skills -- the skill of reflecting or
expressing to the other the essence of the
content, feelings and meanings you hear as well
as summarizing larger segments of what is said.
• Also, acknowledgement responses: I see, go on,
wow, oh my, tell me more, got it, how about that!,
etc.
• Chunk down: Listen and reflect back in
manageable bits
Processes and key phrases
• Initiating the conversation “door openers”: you seem
troubled; I think that went well, how about you?; Want to
talk?; Let’s talk; Let’s grab a cup of coffee
– Observe, reflect what you see, attentively listen waiting for other
to talk, listen and reflect.
• When you are confident you understand the person:
– From your point of view; It seems to you; In your experience; As
you see it; You believe
• When you are less confident you understand
– Am I hearing you correctly…, It seems like…, What I think I am
hearing is…
When Reflective Listen
• When someone is experiencing difficulty
• Problem solving and conflict management
• To create a climate of warmth and
understanding
• Leading group discussions or
conversations
• Clarifying directions
Why reflective listen
• Let’s the other person realize he or she has been heard
• Gives the other person feedback on how they’ve come
across
• Let’s you check accuracy, avoids allusion of
understanding
• Prevents mental vacations
• Helps the other focus on themselves, vent, sort out
issues, discharge and express feelings, and deal more
effectively with emotion
• All the other to move to deeper levels of expression
• It helps the other arrive at a solution to his/her own
problem
• It helps you (the listener) deal with the problem that the
other has raised.
When not to reflective listen
• When the other person has been heard
• When it is time for you to be heard and
assert
Pitfalls
• Sending solutions
– Ordering
– Threatening
– Moralizing
– Advising
– Judging
– Sugar coating (false praise, cliches)
• You’ll feel better tomorrow. Things will get better.
Things happen for a reason.
Clips
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwqpd_XGzQM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENkwUBPhMJw&feature=related
-- british guy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAp9n3yBjyo&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQxJmiTQV0c&feature=related -british back and forth
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO68uTk-T_E
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsLRG4obIr4&feature=related-red flag
Problem Solving Assertion, Coming
to Agreement, Saying no
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Mayo Clinic article on creative problem solving:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stressmanagement/SR00040
“A problem is the discrepancy between your current
state and your desired future state.” (Katz, 1995, p. 49)
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Define problem in terms of desired state (results, needs)
Identify options for solution. Clarify options that seem ambiguous.
Develop options that have the most potential.
Evaluate alternatives (including doing nothing)
Decide on an acceptable solution (one option or a combo/hybrid
option)
Develop an action (implementation plan)
Include a process of evaluation
Talk about the experience of problem solving.
Saying No
• Mayo Clinic article on benefits of saying no:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stressrelief/SR00039 (contrast to:
http://www.onlineorganizing.com/ExpertAdviceTo
olboxTips.asp?tipsheet=16)
• Also: http://www.womensmedia.com/balance/93how-to-say-no.html, http://zenhabits.net/how-tosay-no-and-stay-friends/ ;
http://www.wikihow.com/Say-No-Respectfully
Assertion
• “The skills of reflective listening and
problem solving enable you to be present
to other people and help them in situations
of strong emotion. Assertion invites you to
be present for yourself and to help you
deal with your strong emotion. Assertion is
essentially expressing yourself to stand up
for your own human rights without
infringing on the human rights of others.”
(Katz, 1995, p. 57)
Assertion Cont.
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Listening is a following posture; Assertion is a leading,
initiating posture. – Katz
Refer to diagram, page 60.
Tips
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Modify yourself (quiet yourself, focus on problem not people)
Formulate and state your message
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What’s wrong with the other behavior?
What’s “the problem”?
Describe the offending behavior accurately. Don’t exaggerate.
Describe the pattern and any violated previous agreements. Avoid
inflammatory words.
Avoid generalizations or sterotypes. Be specific and avoid
adverbs and adjectives. Avoid victim words.
Specify the right behavior.
Coming to Agreement
• Review creative problem and interestbased processes, look at
http://www.ohrd.wisc.edu/onlinetraining/res
olution/step8.htm
Difficult Conversations
Stone, Patton, Heen
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Sort out the three conversations
1. The what happened conversation
2. The feelings conversation
3. The identity conversation
What happened
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Truth
– Are you really right? What about specifically? Does it really matter?
– Not about what is true, but rather what is important
– Are you fighting about right and wrong, or interpretations and
judgments?
– Therefore, offer your views in that spirit
Intentions
– Don’t assume (reporter sayings)
Blame
– Distracts us from talking about what went wrong and how to move
forward
People disagree, and arguing about it rarely helps.
– We each make sense of our own story and are visitors in other people’s
stories (Relation to framing / Rory and Aunt Bertha, p 29.)
– Arguing about who is right gets in the way of us hearing each others
stories.
– It inhibits change
• Seek to understand, not change
Why we see the worldly differently
• Different information
– We choose information differently. Even if at the same event,
we’ll notice different things based on our likes and dislikes
– We have access to different information.
• No one knows us like ourselves
• We interpret the information we have differently
– Past experiences
– Implicit rules
– Different frames, different filters
• Our conclusions about the world reflect our self interest
– Harvard biz school experiment
Certainty to Curiosity
• Instead of “how can they think that”
– What info do they have that I don’t?
– How are the perceiving the world?
• So as to explain their point of view
– “Negotiates herself to a place of curiosity” (Tony and Keiko, p.
37)
• What’s your story?
– Deconstruct your own frame
– What are your implicit rules?
• The And Stance
– Embrace both stories
– The world is complex; multiple versions of the same story can be
“true”
• What if I really am right?
• Breaking up is hard to do, p 42
Feelings conversation: What to do
about our emotions
• Instinct is to ignore
• But what if, as they often are, at the heart of the
conversation?
• Don’t assume they meant it. Disentangle intent from
impact. Hold your assumption as a hypothesis. Jahari’s
Window.
• Why are assumptions are often wrong
– We infer them from impact
– We assume the worst
– Written/electronic communications
• We treat ourselves more charitably than we treat others
Good intentions do not sanitize bad
impact.
• Just because you didn’t mean it to hurt
doesn’t mean it didn’t, doesn’t mean there
aren’t feelings that that need to be dealt
with.
• Your honestly maybe overstated (Leo and
Lori, p. 51). Human emotions are complex.
– “He is sending the message that he is more
interested in defending himself than I am in
investigating the complexities of what is
happening in our relationship.”
Tips
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Listen past the accusation for the feeling
1. Listen first
2. Focus and acknowledge their feelings
3. Then turn to intentions
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Be open to reflecting on the intensity of
your intentions
Avoiding blame
• Inhibits our ability to learn what is really causing the
problem
• Distinguish blame from contribution
– Blame judges and looks backward
– Contribution is about understanding and correcting
• How you contribute
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Avoid
Being unapproachable
Intersections
Role assumptions
• Misperceptions
– Blaming the victim?
Gaining perspective
• How would they say I contributed?
• What would a third-party say?
The feeling conversation
• Framing the emotions out of the
convesation
• Unexpressed feelings
– Can leak into the conversation
– Can burst into the conversation
– Can make listening difficult
– Take a toll on our self-esteme
Out of feelings bind
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Explore your emotional footprint
Accept feelings as normal and natural
Good people can have bad feelings
Your feelings are as important as theirs
Find the bundle behind the label (p. 96)
Find the emotion behind attributions, judgments and
accusations
– Use the urge to blame as a clue to find important emotions
• Negotiate with your feelings
• Don’t vent. Describe carefully.
– Frame back in, express full spectrum, don’t evaluate (just share),
don’t monopolize, acknowledge their feelings
The Identity Conversation
• Inward looking
• Who are we?
– Am I competent, am I a good person, am I worthy of
love?
• Who do we think we are?
• What does this conflict say about us?
• Keeping your balance
– Objective, third person, strategic, honest, ego
– Manager: They already hate you
– Professional: This is my job
• Pp 18-19 chart on learning conversations
All or nothing syndrome/Becoming
grounded
• Good/evil, competent/incompetent
• Denial/exaggeration
– Making too much or too little of feedback
• Getting grounded
– Become aware of your ID issues
– Complexify
• You will make mistakes
• Your intentions are complex
• You have contributed to the problem (and so has the other
person)
• Don’t try to control their reaction, prepare for
their response, take a break, look into the future
Clips
• Human Rights Campaign on Talking to
Farrakhan:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPIx5f5ev9E
• Heen and Stone on Dieting -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f174AaBlb3w
&feature=related
• Learning organizations -http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUP4WcfNyAA
&feature=related