Transcript Establishing a meaningful relationship CAPS Judy Neighbours, PhD SASS Coordinator Something to think about • What have been the most powerful helping relationships you have experienced? •

Establishing a meaningful
relationship
CAPS
Judy Neighbours, PhD
SASS Coordinator
Something to think about
• What have been the most powerful helping
relationships you have experienced?
• Why were they powerful?
Carl Rogers
• Early on we might ask –how can I change this
person or give them the right answer
• Now you might want to think- How can I
provide a relationship which this person may use
for their own personal growth?
• It is the person who knows what hurts, what
directions to go, what problems are crucial, what
experiences have been deeply buried
Abraham Maslow
• If the only tool you have is a hammer
• You tend to see every problem as a nail
B.F. Skinner
• A failure is not always a mistake. It may simply
be the best one can do under the circumstances.
• The real mistake is to stop trying
Albert Ellis
• Acceptance is not love. You love a person
because they have lovable traits, but you accept
everybody just because they are alive and
human.
• Feelings of worth can flourish only in an
atmosphere where individual differences are
appreciated, mistakes are tolerated,
communication is open and rules are flexible.
Essentials of a helping relationship
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You feel trust and safety
You feel heard and understood
You feel valued and respected
You are confronted
Your needs are addressed
Adjustments are made according to your
changing needs
What makes a good relationship
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Building trust, understanding and belief
Form an alliance with your student
Empathy, non-judgmental and congruent
Warmth and engaging attitude
Strength and confidence
Consistent and dependable
Honest and show integrity
Show you care
Additional requirements
Restrain you own personal needs
Be careful with self disclosure
Resonate what you sense is going on
Stay flexible
Setting the stage
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Decide who to include
Environment free of distractions
Undivided attention and concentration
Warmth communicated
Listen actively and reflect what you understood
Discuss ground rules
Work collaboratively
Honor their view and ask for feed back
Listening
• Requires trying to understand the world of the
other person
• Showing an empathetic response
• Non judgmental
• Unconditional positive regard
• Avoid interruptions
Non verbal encouragers
• Uh-huh, I see
• Non-verbal- learning forward, not of head,
appropriate facial expressions
• Being aware of postures
• Communication of acceptance
• Facilitates self disclosure
What are questions
• To find out what the other person sees as the
problem (not your interpretation)
• To discover what the other person is
experiencing
• To determine what the other person wants to do
about their situation
Use of open ended questions
• Who, what , when, where, how
• NOT WHY
• Questions are for further clarification of what
the other person said- NOT to fulfill your need
for information
• Helpful in gathering information but less
effective than communication of understanding
and person BEING HEARD
Appropriate questions
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Tell me more about…
What are your feelings about…
Who could help…
What seems to help…
How did you feel about…
Will you explain more about…
How has it felt to talk about this today?
Reflection- a better option
• Actively listening
• Clarify and paraphrase
• Reflect their content and more importantly their
feelings
• Be comfortable with silence
• What is the person really saying to you- their
thoughts and feelings
Real listening
• Paraphrase- rewording their statement to
communicate understanding and to encourage
discussion
▫ So what you are saying is--▫ I heard you say…
• Summarize- restating by integrating what the
person said about thoughts, feelings and/or
behaviors
• Responding to feelings- find the important feelings
• Confrontation- JUST a recognition of conflicting
messages or inconsistencies
Silence
• You cannot not communicate
• Learn to sit with some silence if it is helpful to
the other person
• Can be excruciating but it is useful
• Not a good idea to self disclose even if your
intentions are to help them know you had a
similar experience- we all experience events
differently
Roadblocks to listening
• Giving orders or directions
• Warning or threatening
• Giving advice or making suggestions or
providing solutions
• Persuading with logic or lecture
• Preaching
• Judging, criticizing, disagreeing or blaming
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Saying I approve
Name calling or shaming
Reassuring or sympathizing
Questioning and probing for facts
Withdrawing, distracting, humoring or changing
the subject
Summary
• The goal is to really hear what the other person
has to say
• So listen and attend
• Try to keep your own mouth shut except to
clarify and acknowledge understanding
• Find out what they want to do about the
situation
• Offer resources but not suggestions