Quotes

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it. --- La Rochefoucauld "When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.

“ - - George Bernard Shaw

The relationship

Thought Frequency As Pie Charts Women Men

Sports The relationship Sex Men thrashing Aging Pets Sex Having to pee Food Things we shouldn ’ t have eaten Career Going bald Strange ear & nose hair growth Aging

Alvy's Voice Over

: I thought of that old joke, you know, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, uh, most of us need the eggs.

“ Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, the doctor says, "why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, “ I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and...But, I guess we keep going through it because, ---

ANNIE HALL

Cecilia: i just met a wonderful new man. Sure, he's fictional but you can't have everything. ---

The Purple Rose of Cairo

Ike: Well, I'm old-fashioned. I don't believe in extramarital relationships. I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. ---

Manhattan

Cliff : Wendy and I finally decided to call it quits, you know, and even though the last couple of years have been terrible, this kind of thing makes me feel sad, you know, I don't know why.

Babs : But you know what you told me? You told me it's been platonic for a year. And I say, once the sex goes, it all goes. ---

Crimes and Misdemeanors

Arthur: distant.

I had dropped out of law school when i met eve. She was very beautiful. Very pale and cool in her black dress...With never anything more than a single strand of pearls. And distant. Always poised and By the time the girls were born ... It was all so perfect, so ordered. Looking back, of course, it was rigid. The truth is. .. She'd created a world around us that we existed in where everything had its place, where there was always a kind of harmony. Oh, great dignity. I will say ... It was like an ice palace.

Then suddenly, one day, out of nowhere ... An enormous abyss opened up beneath our feet. And I was staring into a face I didn't recognize. ---

Interiors

Early Attraction Factors

•

Proximity

and attraction (Propinquity Effect) (The more you see and interact with people, the more likely you ’ ll become friends with them) Role of physical distance and functional distance (e.g., common paths, web) Related to the “ Mere Exposure Effect ” (the more you are exposed to a stimulus, the more you will like it)

Role of the Internet in Dating

Role of the Internet in Dating

Attitude similarity and attraction

13.00

12.00

11.00

10.00

9.00

8.00

7.00

6.00

Byrne and Nelson (1965) asked to rate how much they liked a stranger after learning he agreed with varying proportions of their attitudes expressed on a questionnaire. (Higher numbers indication greater liking.) .00 .20 .40 .60 .80 1.00

Proportion of similar attitudes held by other person

As the graph shows, the greater the

proportion

of attitudes subjects shared with the stranger, the more subjects liked him

Why such a powerful effect of similarity?

A)

Cognitive Consistency

(We like ourselves, therefore we like those who are like us) B)

Social Comparison

(validation of one's beliefs) C)

Anticipate/Predict

interests) other's behavior (e.G., Likes/dislikes, D) They

will like us

also (reciprocal)

Application of Similarity Theory

Key Dimensions Used by eHarmony [http://www.eharmony.com/singles/servlet/about/dimensions] Stated goal: “ eHarmony … creates compatible matches based on 29 dimensions scientifically proven to predict happier, healthier relationships ”

Core Traits -- Social Style

(

Character, Kindness, Dominance, Sociability, Autonomy, Adaptability

): How do you relate to other people? Do you crave company, or prefer to be alone? Are you more comfortable leading, or do you prefer to go along with the group?

Cognitive Mode

(

Intellect, Curiosity, Humor, Artistic Passion

) How do you think about the world around you? Are you motivated by an insatiable curiosity about the world and events around you? Are you constantly looking for intellectual challenges? Do you find humor to be your favorite coping strategy when dealing with the world?

Physicality

(

Energy – Physical, Passion – Sexual, Vitality & Security, Industry, Appearance

). How do you relate physically with the world? How do you relate physically with yourself? Are you energetic, athletic and constantly in motion? Or are you more comfortable and happy walking than running?

Application of Similarity Theory (cont.) From eHarmony Relationship Skills

(

Communication Style, Emotion Management – Anger, Emotion Management – Mood, Conflict Resolution

) The amount of effort and skill that you devote to making a relationship work are key elements of who you are, and what type of person you are most likely to succeed with in a relationship Values and Beliefs (Spirituality, Family Goals, Traditionalism, Ambition,

Altruism).

Values and Beliefs are at the center of most of our life experiences. How we feel about spirituality, religion, family and even politics for a enormous part of how we think about the world, and who we are going to be most comfortable sharing our lives with.

Key Experiences

(

Family Background, Family Status, Education

) All of your life experiences combine to affect who you are and how you relate to the world. Although many of the effects of these experiences are represented by the other Core Traits and Learned Attributes, the following components of the 29 Dimensions are considered separately as part of your Key Experiences in your compatibility profile

Repulsion Hypothesis

Basic premise : Differences are disliked; perceived as threatening “ Lab ” studies Avg. attraction score • Similar attitudes 5.5

• No information regarding attitudes 5.2

No difference • Dissimilar attitudes 2.1 (less attraction) Iowa Caucus Study (Democratic) Description of person Democrat No party affiliation Republican No difference Disliked

D S S D S D S S D D D D D S S D D D S D D D S D D S D Reject those who are

dissimilar

End result is that we are left with similar people to interact with S S S S S S S S

The motivational value of

dissimilarity

is various other theories in social psychology: • • • • Balance Theory

Imbalance

is motivating Congruity Theory

Incongruity

is motivating Dissonance Theory

Dissonance

is motivating Equity Theory

Inequity

is motivating Naturally discovering similarity/dissimilarity (rather than being given other ’ s attitudes is quite different Active search process

Role of Emotion and Affiliation

Nonanxious subjects

4 2 20 18 16 14 8 6 12 10

Choose to wait alone

4 2 20 18 16 14 8 6 12 10

Anxious subjects Choose to wait with others Schachter (1959) manipulated the anxiety levels of female subjects by having them anticipate either painful or innocuous shock. The dependent variable was subjects ’ choice to wait with others or to wait alone.

The results indicated that anxious subjects chose to wait with others more than non anxious subjects. Also, a follow-up study found that anxious people preferred to wait with anxious other anxious people rather than those who were not

The “ Bridge ” Study

Misattribution

of Emotional Arousal • Tilted, swayed (6 ft.), wobbled • Low handrails (3 feet) • 230 foot drop to rocks and rapids

Misattribution of Emotional Arousal

versus

Misattribution of Emotional Arousal (cont.)

Measures: 1) TAT (men wrote stories) scored for sexual content 2) % of men who called female back Higher TAT sexual content scores scores and greater percent called back when on the dangerous bridge Why??? -- Arousal (anxiety)

misattributed

as partly due to sexual attraction

Eating Lightly and Self-Presentation Basic Premise : People are motivated to behave in ways to enhance their image • Females have greater number of eating disorders and dieting than males (emphasis on thin as attractive) “ Undesirable ” Male Equal intake of candy by males and females “ Desirable ” Male • Females ate significantly less food when interacting with a desirable male

2 1 0

Amount of attitude conformity

5 4 3 Self-Presentation Through Ingratiation 0 Undesirable man 3.7

Desirable man

Conversation Style and Relationship Type

Intimate Friend (versus Casual Friend)

Voice Quality

Feminine Babylike High pitch Relaxed Pleasant

Trait Ratings

Submissive Scatterbrained Approachable Sincere • Much better than chance

identification

of who was being spoken to, a casual versus intimate friend. • No difference in what was said (transcript analysis). Focus on

how

things were said, paralinguistic cues.

Physical Attractiveness

[Reflects the

“

What is beautiful is good

”

stereotype]

• Greater overall liking (

best

predictor of desire to date) • More desirable character traits (e.g., sensitive, warm, intelligent) • Higher income • Higher evaluation of work performance • More lenient treatment in the legal system • Better mental health • Matching Short Length of relationship Long Often different in physical attraction

Couple is equal in physical attraction

Impression of man 7.5

7.0

6.5

6.0

5.5

5.0

5.5

6.1

Romantically linked Strangers 7.1

Low Female ’ s attractiveness High 5.9

Attractiveness as a Business

• In 2002, 6.9 million spent on cosmetic surgical and non-surgical procedures in the U.S. --- a 22% increase from 1997 (

American Society for Plastic Surgery, 2003

) • Most common procedure (Botox injections) was performed 1.6 million times in 2002 • Across the world, the cosmetic industry makes 20 billion/year • Nearly 1 million adults wear braces (mostly to improves smiles) • 35 billion is spent on weight loss programs, diet foods, and health club membership per year in the U.S.

Routine Conversation

Misattributions of Friendly Behavior

Female Male Viewed female as promiscuous; were attracted to the female; saw themselves as flirtatious and seductive Female Observers Male Viewed males as behaving in a sexual manner; females as promiscuous Sexual lens Interaction

Long-Term Relationships

Equity Theory

Person Comparison Other

(Forms a ratio

(Standard)

of costs/inputs to (Another couple, rewards and yourself in the past, compares this an idealized image) ratio to a standard

Costs/Inputs

(e.g., income, status, , education, personality, time, money, effort)

Rewards

(e.g., companionship, sexual fulfillment, stability, benefits, flexibility, autonomy, responsibility, promotion) • Comparison process results in relationship being viewed as either over benefitted (“getting more than you deserve”) or under benefitted (“getting less than you deserve”) • Best relationships are those that are perceived as equitable or fair

Social Exchange Theory

[We “ buy ” the best relationship we can get, one that gives us the best value for our emotional dollar – From Aronson et al. Social Psychology, 2010, p. 299] •

Perceived Rewards

•

Perceived Costs

Companionship, sexual fulfillment, status, greater income, friendships, etc.

Loss of freedom, $, time, effort, annoying habits, etc.

Outcome (Rewards minus Costs) •

Comparison Level

What we expect the outcomes of a relationship to be in terms of costs and rewards (e.g., a standard) •

Comparison Level for Alternatives

Expectations about the level of rewards (benefits) and punishments (costs) they would receive in an alternative relationship When outcomes (rewards – costs) match one ’ s comparison level, satisfaction and commitment are higher – Alternatives are viewed as less desirable

Gender Differences in Mate Preferences

% Money spent 40

High Budget

% Money 40

Low Budget

Men Women 30 30 20 20 10 10 0 Physical attractiveness Social status 0 Physical attractiveness Social status

~ Exchange Theory ~

The Role of Investments

~ Exchange Theory ~

Relationship Satisfaction and Commitment

The life cycle of a relationship

Buildup Communication/ consolidation Deterioration and decline Relationship continues Attraction Ending Important variables influencing attraction Emotion Triggering factors: Proximity, Similarity, Erotic love etc… Social-exchange and equity: Communication, Self disclosure, Communal concern, External supports High: Heady feeling of romantic love Low: Relationship in stable state Social-exchange and equity/inequity: Relative attractiveness of alternatives, Barriers to dissolution High: Upset of deterioration and trauma of disruption

Marital Satisfaction over Time In a longitudinal study that spanned ten years, married couples rated the quality of their marriages. On average, these ratings were high, but they declined among both husbands and wives. As you can see, there were two steep drops, occurring during the first and eighth years of marriage. (Kurdek, 1999.) 1 2 3 4 5 6 Years of marriage Wife Husband 7 8 9 10

Ending Intimate Relationships

The current American divorce rate is nearly 50% of the current marriage rate and has been for the past two decades Countless romantic relationships between unmarried individuals end every day. So, social psychologists are now beginning to explore the end of the story—how it dies.

Changes in Life Satisfaction Before and After Divorce In this study, 817 men and women who were divorced at some point rated how satisfied they were with life on a scale of 0 to 10 every year for eighteen years. Overall, divorcees were less satisfied than their married counterparts-a common result. On the question of whether time heals the wound, you can see that satisfaction levels dipped before divorce, rebounded afterward, but did not return to original levels. It appears that people adapt but do not fully recover from this experience. (Lucas, 2005.) 0.00

-0.50

-1.00

Divorce -8 -6 -4 -2 0 2 Years Before and After Divorce 4 6

Balance Theory (Fritz Heider ) Betty

(-) +

Sue

+ (-)

Joan

+ (-)

Balance in Relationships

Sue

+

Balance Theory (cont.) Betty

+ -

Joan Imbalance in Relationships

Liking Liking Separate constructs or along a continuum?

Love Loving

Sample Liking Scale Items

When I am with _____, we are almost always in the same mood.

I think that _____ is unusually well-adjusted.

I would highly recommend _____ for a responsible job.

In my opinion, _____ is an exceptionally mature person.

I have great confidence in _____ ’ s good judgment.

I think that _____ is someone one of those people who quickly win your respect.

_____ is one of the most likeable people I know.

_____ is the sort of person whom I myself would like to be.

I would vote for _____ in a class or group election.

Sample Love Scale Items

I would do anything for _____.

I feel responsible for _____ ’ s well being.

I feel very possessive toward _____.

If I could never be with _____, I would feel miserable.

If I were lonely, my first thought would be to seek _____ out.

I would forgive _____ for practically anything.

In would greatly enjoy being confided in by _____.

When I am with _____, I spend a good deal of my time just looking at him/her.

I would be hard for me to get along without _____.

Liking & Loving for Dating Partners and Same-Sex Friends Index Women Men

Love for Partner 89.5

89.3

Liking for Partner 88.7

Love for Friend

Liking for Friend

65.3

80.5

84.6

55.1

79.1

Interpersonal Relationship --- More Dynamic Approaches

Relationships

• Individual subjective reactions to cues in an interaction • Active search/detection process for cues • Timing and sequencing of cues (e.g., baking a cake example)

Interpersonal Relationship --- Newer Approaches (cont.)

Thoughts about interpersonal interactions Evaluation of interaction as good, average, poor • Future possibilities • Strategies Narratives/stories about relationships • Who is told? When they are told? What is said? Why they are told?

• Difference in perceptions; memory for facts

Health & Longevity High

Marriage, Health and Longevity

Happily married Unhappily married Unmarried Low Men Women

“ No man or woman really knows what love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.

” --- Mark Twain Satisfaction 90 80 70 60 50 40 0-1 1-2 2-5 5-10 Years of marriage Love marriages Arranged marriages 10+

Sternberg

’

s Triangular Theory of Love

Intimacy

Liking Romantic

(Intimacy & Passion)

Consummate

Companionate

(Intimacy & Commitment)

Passion

Infatuate Fatuous

(Passion & Commitment)

Commitment

Empty

Sample Question Based on Sternberg

’

s Triangular Love Theory ˜ Intimacy Component ˜

I am actively supportive of _____'s wellbeing.____

I have a warm relationship with _____.

I am able to count on _____ in times of need.

˜ Passion Component ˜

Just seeing ________ excites me.

I find myself thinking about _____ frequently during the day.____

My relationship with ___________ is very romantic.

˜ Commitment Component ˜

I know that I care about _____.

I am committed to maintaining my relationship with _____.

Because of my commitment to ________, I would not let other people come between us.

Sternberg

’

s 8 Components of Love

Non-Love Liking Infatuated Empty Romantic Companionate Fatuous Consummate Intimacy Passion

x  x    x x x x  x  x  

Commitment

x x x  x   

Sternberg

’

s Love Story Approach*

[Based on past experience and personality] • Business Story --- 2 partners in a business endeavor, power issues • Collector Story --- Impossible for any one individual to fill all one ’ s love needs; find combination of other people to meet all needs • Fairytale Story --- Idealized story, unrealistic (e.g., prince and princess) • War Story --- Love as war, combatants, winner and loser * Approximately 24 different love stories are included in the model

Relationship Conflict --- Some Issues

• Jealousy -- Men Sexual infidelity (60%) Women Emotional infidelity (83%) • Communication ---

Demand-withdraw interaction pattern

(Females wish to discuss problems, men avoid/withdraw from such discussions) • Sex • Children • Money • Different expectations