Transcript Quotes "Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the.

Quotes
"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at
each other but in looking outward together in the same
direction." --- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it,
but few have seen it. --- La Rochefoucauld
"When two people are under the influence of the most violent,
most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions,
they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited,
abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death
do them part.“ --- George Bernard Shaw
Thought Frequency As Pie Charts
The
relationship
Men
Women
Sports
Men
thrashing
Aging
The
relationship
Sex
Sex
Pets
Food
Things we
Having shouldn’t
to pee have eaten
Going
bald
Career
Strange ear
& nose hair
growth
Aging
Alvy's Voice Over: I thought of that old joke, you know,
this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my
brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, the
doctor says, "why don't you turn him in?" And the guy
says, “I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's
pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know,
they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and...But, I
guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us
need the eggs.
--- ANNIE HALL
Cecilia: i just met a wonderful new man. Sure, he's fictional but you
can't have everything.
---The Purple Rose of Cairo
Ike: Well, I'm old-fashioned. I don't believe in extramarital
relationships. I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or
Catholics. --- Manhattan
Cliff: Wendy and I finally decided to call it quits, you know, and even
though the last couple of years have been terrible, this kind of thing
makes me feel sad, you know, I don't know why.
Babs: But you know what you told me? You told me it's been platonic
for a year. And I say, once the sex goes, it all goes.
---Crimes and Misdemeanors
Arthur: I had dropped out of law school when i met eve. She was
very beautiful. Very pale and cool in her black dress...With never
anything more than a single strand of pearls. And distant. Always
poised and distant.
By the time the girls were born ... It was all so perfect, so ordered.
Looking back, of course, it was rigid. The truth is. .. She'd created
a world around us that we existed in where everything had its
place, where there was always a kind of harmony. Oh, great
dignity. I will say ... It was like an ice palace.
Then suddenly, one day, out of nowhere ... An enormous abyss
opened up beneath our feet. And I was staring into a face I didn't
recognize.
---Interiors
Early Attraction Factors
• Proximity (physical distance, repeated exposure)
• Anxiety
Affiliation Link (Dr. Zilstein study)
• General Emotional Arousal
Attraction Link
Results of Schachter’s “Dr. Zilstein study”
Nonanxious
subjects
Anxious subjects
# of Subjects
20
20
18
18
16
16
14
14
12
12
10
10
8
8
6
6
4
4
2
2
Choose to wait
alone
Schachter (1959) manipulated
the anxiety levels of female
subjects by having them
anticipate either painful or
innocuous shock. The
dependent variable was
subjects’ choice to wait with
others or to wait alone.
The results indicated that
anxious subjects chose to
wait with others more
than non-anxious subjects.
Also, a follow-up study
found that anxious people
preferred to wait with
other anxious people
rather than those who
Choose to wait were not anxious
with others
Attitude similarity and attraction
Attraction toward other person (range = 2-14)
Byrne and Nelson (1965) asked
to rate how much they liked a
stranger after learning he agreed
with varying proportions of their
attitudes expressed on a
questionnaire. (Higher numbers
indication greater liking.)
13.00
12.00
11.00
10.00
9.00
8.00
7.00
6.00
.00 .20 .40
.60
.80 1.00
As the graph shows, the
greater the proportion of
attitudes subjects shared
with the stranger, the
more subjects liked him
Proportion of similar attitudes held by
other person
Why such a powerful effect of similarity?
A) Cognitive Consistency
(We like ourselves, therefore we like those who are like us)
B) Social Comparison (validation of one's beliefs)
C) Anticipate/Predict other's behavior (e.G., Likes/dislikes,
interests)
D) They will like us also (reciprocal)
Application of Similarity Theory
Key Dimensions Used by eHarmony
[http://www.eharmony.com/singles/servlet/about/dimensions]
Stated goal: “eHarmony … creates compatible matches based on 29 dimensions
scientifically proven to predict happier, healthier relationships”
Core Traits --Social Style (Character, Kindness, Dominance, Sociability, Autonomy, Adaptability):
How do you relate to other people? Do you crave company, or prefer to be alone? Are
you more comfortable leading, or do you prefer to go along with the group?
Cognitive Mode (Intellect, Curiosity, Humor, Artistic Passion)
How do you think about the world around you? Are you motivated by an insatiable
curiosity about the world and events around you? Are you constantly looking for
intellectual challenges? Do you find humor to be your favorite coping strategy when
dealing with the world?
Physicality (Energy – Physical, Passion – Sexual, Vitality & Security, Industry,
Appearance). How do you relate physically with the world? How do you relate
physically with yourself? Are you energetic, athletic and constantly in motion? Or are
you more comfortable and happy walking than running?
Application of Similarity Theory (cont.)
From eHarmony
Relationship Skills (Communication Style, Emotion Management – Anger,
Emotion Management – Mood, Conflict Resolution)
The amount of effort and skill that you devote to making a relationship work are
key elements of who you are, and what type of person you are most likely to
succeed with in a relationship
Values and Beliefs (Spirituality, Family Goals, Traditionalism, Ambition,
Altruism). Values and Beliefs are at the center of most of our life experiences.
How we feel about spirituality, religion, family and even politics for a enormous
part of how we think about the world, and who we are going to be most
comfortable sharing our lives with.
Key Experiences (Family Background, Family Status, Education) All of your life
experiences combine to affect who you are and how you relate to the world.
Although many of the effects of these experiences are represented by the other
Core Traits and Learned Attributes, the following components of the 29
Dimensions are considered separately as part of your Key Experiences in your
compatibility profile
Repulsion Hypothesis
Basic premise: Differences are disliked; perceived as threatening
“Lab” studies
Avg. attraction score
• Similar attitudes
5.5
• No information regarding attitudes
5.2
• Dissimilar attitudes
2.1 (less attraction)
No
difference
Iowa Caucus Study (Democratic)
Democrat
Description of person
No party affiliation
Republican
No
difference
Disliked
D S S D S
DS
S D D
DDD S
S D
Reject those who are
dissimilar
DDSDDD
S D D S D
S
S
S
End result is that we are
left with similar people to
interact with
S
S
S
S
S
The motivational value of dissimilarity is various other
theories in social psychology:
•
Balance Theory
Imbalance is motivating
•
Congruity Theory
Incongruity is motivating
•
Dissonance Theory
Dissonance is motivating
•
Equity Theory
Inequity is motivating
Naturally discovering similarity/dissimilarity (rather
than being given other’s attitudes is quite different
Active search process
The “Bridge” Study
Misattribution of Emotional Arousal
• Tilted, swayed (6 ft.), wobbled
• Low handrails (3 feet)
• 230 foot drop to rocks and rapids
Misattribution of Emotional Arousal
versus
Misattribution of Emotional Arousal (cont.)
Measures: 1) TAT (men wrote stories) scored for sexual content
2) % of men who called female back
Higher TAT sexual content scores scores and greater
percent called back when on the dangerous bridge
Why??? --- Arousal (anxiety) misattributed as partly due to sexual attraction
Eating Lightly and Self-Presentation
Basic Premise: People are motivated to behave in ways to enhance their image
• Females have greater number of eating disorders and dieting than males
(emphasis on thin as attractive)
“Undesirable”
Male
Equal intake of candy by
males and females
“Desirable”
Male
• Females ate significantly less food when interacting with a
desirable male
Amount of
attitude
conformity
Self-Presentation Through Ingratiation
5
4
3.7
3
2
1
0
0
Undesirable
man
Desirable man
Conversation Style and Relationship Type
Intimate Friend (versus Casual Friend)
Voice Quality
Trait Ratings
Feminine
Babylike
High pitch
Relaxed
Pleasant
Submissive
Scatterbrained
Approachable
Sincere
• Much better than chance identification of who was being spoken to, a
casual versus intimate friend.
• No difference in what was said (transcript analysis). Focus on how
things were said, paralinguistic cues.
Physical Attractiveness
Advantages:
• Greater overall liking (best predictor of desire to date)
• More desirable character traits (e.g., sensitive, warm, intelligent)
• Higher income
• Higher evaluation of work performance
• More lenient treatment in the legal system
• Better mental health
• Matching
Length of
relationship
Often different in
physical
attraction
Short
Long
Couple is
equal in
physical
attraction
Romantically linked
Impression
of man
Strangers
7.5
7.1
7.0
6.5
6.1
6.0
5.5
5.9
5.5
5.0
Low
High
Female’s attractiveness
Attractiveness as a Business
• In 2002, 6.9 million spent on cosmetic surgical and non-surgical procedures in
the U.S. --- a 22% increase from 1997 (American Society for Plastic Surgery, 2003)
• Most common procedure (Botox injections) was performed 1.6 million times
in 2002
• Across the world, the cosmetic industry makes 20 billion/year
• Nearly 1 million adults wear braces (mostly to improves smiles)
• 35 billion is spent on weight loss programs, diet foods, and health club
membership per year in the U.S.
Misattributions of Friendly Behavior
Routine
Conversation
Female
Male
Viewed female as
promiscuous; were attracted to
the female; saw themselves as
flirtatious and seductive
Female
Observers
Male
Sexual
Interaction
lens
Viewed males as behaving
in a sexual manner;
females as promiscuous
The life cycle
of a
relationship
Communication/
consolidation
Buildup
Attraction
Important
variables
influencing
attraction
Emotion
Triggering factors:
Proximity,
Similarity, Erotic
love etc…
High: Heady
feeling of
romantic love
Relationship
continues
Deterioration
and decline
Ending
Social-exchange and equity:
Communication, Selfdisclosure, Communal
concern, External supports
Low:
Relationship
in stable
state
Social-exchange and
equity/inequity: Relative
attractiveness of
alternatives, Barriers to
dissolution
High: Upset of
deterioration and
trauma of
disruption
Social Equity Theory
• Costs (Inputs)
Loss of freedom, $, time, etc.
• Benefits (Outputs)
Companionship, sexual
fulfillment, etc.
• Comparison Level
(e.g., a standard)
Other person in a relationship,
yourself in the past, an ideal
• Comparison Level for
Alternatives
Evaluation of the value of
other partners
Gender and the Personal Columns
Males
Females
Offer
Seek
Offer
Seek
Money
Young
Money
Status
Physically
attractive
Physical
attractiveness
Career
Job information
Personality traits
(e.g., sincerity)
Relationship Breakups
U. S. Divorce Rates per 1,000 population
1990
2000
2004
4.7
4.2
3.7
U.S. totals for the number of divorces is an estimate which includes states not reporting
(California, Colorado, Indiana, and Louisiana).
Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States: 2006.
• Who identifies more problems?
• Who initiates most breakups?
• When are the partners most likely to remain friends, when the male of
female initiates the breakup?
Relationship-Enhancing and Distress-Maintaining Attributions
Relationship-Enhancing
Attribution
Distress-Maintaining
Attribution
Positive Event
My partner takes me
out to an expensive
dinner
My partner is
sweet and
thoughtful
My partner took
me out to write the
cost off on taxes
Internal, stable,
global
External, unstable,
specific
Something
unexpected must
have come up
External, unstable,
specific
My partner is
always uncaring
and selfish
Internal, stable,
global
Negative Event
My partner forgot my
birthday
Liking
Love
Separate constructs or along a
continuum?
Liking
Loving
Sample Liking Scale Items
When I am with _____, we are almost always in the same mood.
I think that _____ is unusually well-adjusted.
I would highly recommend _____ for a responsible job.
In my opinion, _____ is an exceptionally mature person.
I have great confidence in _____’s good judgment.
I think that _____ is someone one of those people who quickly
win your respect.
_____ is one of the most likeable people I know.
_____ is the sort of person whom I myself would like to be.
I would vote for _____ in a class or group election.
Sample Love Scale Items
I would do anything for _____.
I feel responsible for _____’s well being.
I feel very possessive toward _____.
If I could never be with _____, I would feel miserable.
If I were lonely, my first thought would be to seek _____ out.
I would forgive _____ for practically anything.
In would greatly enjoy being confided in by _____.
When I am with _____, I spend a good deal of my time just
looking at him/her.
I would be hard for me to get along without _____.
Liking & Loving for Dating Partners and Same-Sex Friends
Index
Women
Men
Love for Partner
89.5
89.3
Liking for Partner
88.7
84.6
Love for Friend
65.3
55.1
Liking for Friend
80.5
79.1
Interpersonal Relationship --- Newer
Approaches
• Individual subjective reactions to cues in
an interaction
Relationships
• Active search/detection process for cues
• Timing and sequencing of cues (e.g.,
baking a cake example)
Interpersonal Relationship --- Newer
Approaches (cont.)
Thoughts about
interpersonal
interactions
Narratives/stories
about
relationships
Evaluation of
interaction as good,
average, poor
• Future
possibilities
• Strategies
• Who is told? When they are told?
What is said? Why they are told?
• Difference in perceptions; memory for facts
Intimacy
Intimacy
rating
5.3
5.5
5.0
4.5
4.5
4.4
2 women
best friends)
Man & woman
(platonic)
4.0
3.5
3.5
3.0
2 men
(best friends)
Man & woman
(romantic)
Marriage, Health and Longevity
Health &
Longevity
High
Happily married
Unhappily married
Unmarried
Low
Men
Women
Playing Hard To Get
Liking for
woman
9.4
9.5
9.0
8.5
8.0
8.4
8.6
7.9
7.5
No one
Only the
participant
Any (all)
the eligible
men
Woman’s Interest
Control
Gender Differences in Mate Preferences
% Monet
spent
40
Men
% Monet
spent
High Budget
40
30
30
20
20
10
10
0
0
Physical
attractiveness
Social status
Women
Low Budget
Physical
attractiveness
Social status
% “yes”
100
Gender Differences in
Sexual Behavior
Females
Males
90
80
70
60
50
40
30
20
10
0
0
Go on a date
Go to
apartment
Sexual
invitation
“No man or woman really knows what love is until they have been
married a quarter of a century.” --- Mark Twain
Love marriages
Arranged marriages
90
80
70
60
50
40
0-1
1-2
2-5
5-10
Years of marriage
10+
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
Intimacy
Liking
Companionate
Romantic
(Intimacy &
Passion)
Passion
Infatuate
(Intimacy &
Commitment)
Consummate
Fatuous
(Passion &
Commitment)
Commitment
Empty
Sample Question Based on Sternberg’s Triangular
Love Theory
˜ Intimacy Component ˜
I am actively supportive of _____'s wellbeing.____
I have a warm relationship with _____.
I am able to count on _____ in times of need.
˜ Passion Component ˜
Just seeing ________ excites me.
I find myself thinking about _____ frequently during the day.____
My relationship with ___________ is very romantic.
˜ Commitment Component ˜
I know that I care about _____.
I am committed to maintaining my relationship with _____.
Because of my commitment to ________, I would not let other people
come between us.
Sternberg’s 8 Components of Love
Non-Love
Liking
Infatuated
Empty
Romantic
Companionate
Fatuous
Consummate
Intimacy
Passion
Commitment
x

x
x
x

x
x
x
x


x

x

x



x



Sternberg’s Love Story Approach*
[Based on past experience and personality]
• Business Story --- 2 partners in a business endeavor, power issues
• Collector Story --- Impossible for any one individual to fill all
one’s love needs; find combination of other people to meet all
needs
• Fairytale Story --- Idealized story, unrealistic (e.g., prince and
princess)
• War Story --- Love as war, combatants, winner and loser
* Approximately 24 different love stories are included in the model
Sample Items --- Adult Attachment Scale*
• I find it difficult to allow myself to depend on others [Trust]
• I often wonder that my partner does not really love me [Anxiety]
• I am nervous when anyone gets too close [Closeness]
• I know that others will be there when I need them [Trust]
• I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like [Anxiety]
• I am comfortable having others depend on me [Closeness]
* Source: Collins & Reid (1990)
Relationship Conflict --- Some Issues
• Jealousy --Men
Sexual infidelity (60%)
Women
Emotional infidelity (83%)
• Communication --Demand-withdraw interaction pattern (Females wish to
discuss problems, men avoid/withdraw from such discussions)
• Sex
• Children
• Money
• Different expectations
Relationship Closeness
Self
Self
Self
Other
Other
Self
Self
Other
Other
Other
Self
Other