Transcript Creating Happiness Lawyers Assistance Program Facilitated by Robert Bircher What Makes us Happy? • If only I were rich, famous and beautiful-then I would be happy •

Creating Happiness
Lawyers Assistance
Program
Facilitated by Robert
Bircher
What Makes us Happy?
• If only I were rich, famous and
beautiful-then I would be happy
• When I get/achieve/complete
____ then I will be happy
• Many people have these thoughts
and recently psychologists are
researching happiness and finding
out what really works
• Their results may surprise many
Happiness Research
• Happiness researchers have determined
that about 50% of the variance in
happiness is genetic,10% relates to
circumstances and 40% is as a result of
intentional activity i.e. changeable and
totally within our control
• For most people it is hard to accept that
wealth, health, beauty, or marital status
have such little influence
• The research is extensive and has been
done in many cultures
Happiness Tests
• Complete happiness tests,
exercise, discussion- think- pair –
share
• Happy people leave clues-in a
nut-shell happy people are: very
relational, express gratitude, are
helpers, optimistic, live in the
now, are physically active,
committed to goals that are
meaningful to them and are
resilient in the face of crises
Hedonic Adaptation
• Most people believe that changing
some life circumstance will make
them happy-a new job, new car or
house
• These things do work temporarily,
but people quickly adapt to the
change. This is similar to coming
into a warm house after being out
on a cold winter day-you quickly
get used to it and may soon
complain of being overheated
Hedonic Adaptation
• Even marriage only increases
happiness for about 2 years then
people go back to their old set
point!!
• Even lotto winners are happier
only for about a year, then go
back to their previous set point!!
• This also works for negative
events like disease-people adapt
to the limitation after a period of
time and go back up to their set
point
Happiness Set Point
• Research of twins shows that
about half of the variance in
happiness is genetic. Identical
twins, even those separated at
birth and raised by different
families, have similar levels of
happiness-whereas happiness in
fraternal twins are uncorrelated
What Works?
• What can you change to influence your
own happiness?
• We will look at 12 things you can do to
increase your own happiness
• Many of these require a change in
thinking or attitude, in other words
they are cognitive behavioral changes
• You are as happy as you make your
mind up to be-unfortunately few
people actually believe this and fewer
still do what it takes to change their
thinking
Expressing Gratitude
• Gratitude: a felt sense of wonder,
thankfulness, and appreciation for life
• Gratitude is the antidote to negativity
and depression-you can’t be grateful
and depressed at the same time
• Daily gratitude by way of journal or
writing a list of 10 things you are
grateful for are some of the ways to do
this-also being grateful for everyday
things-someone brings you coffee etc.
• Shifts focus on what you have -not
what you lack
Cultivating Optimism
• Looking at the bright side, noticing
what is right with the world-assuming a
positive outcome
• Can be big “I have a great future” or
small “I’ll do great in my interview”
• It is really positive spins on any given
event-reframing in a positive way
• Best possible future exercise: if
everything went super well for you in
10 years what would your life look
like?
Avoiding Overthinking
and Social Comparison
• Self focused rumination does not solve
problems-it makes them worse
• Sustains sadness, fosters negatively
biased thinking, impairs problem
solving, saps motivation, interferes
with concentration and initiative
• It is negative, repetitive and useless
• Fairly common with lawyers
• Comparison with others is a losing
game-there will always be people with
more or less of what you have.
Attachment of your identity to
“winning” or “being the best” is always
doomed to failure
Overcoming Overthinking
• Detachment from your thinking
• You are not your thoughts-you are the
observer of your thoughts
• You can stop thinking! You are not
destined to be tortured by your own
thinking
• Focus on the now –this moment, not
past or future
• Be present and refer to past and future
only when required for practical
purposes
• Many teachers focus on this: Eckhart
Tolle and many eastern philosophies
teach how to live in this moment and
not obsess about past and future
Kindness
• The outcome of kindness is
happiness for the giver!! Helping
others out creates positive feelings
• The happiest person I know in
Vancouver is a chronic “do
gooder” and does many acts of
kindness each week
• Bill Gates has given half of his
money away-he is smart and
realizes helping is better than
hoarding- benefiting him and the
world
Nurturing Social
Relationships
• Happy people are very good at
nurturing their relationships with
friends family and partners
• Happy people are relational people
• Great partners have several things in
common-they spend 5 or more hours a
week talking, they express a lot of
gratitude, admiration, appreciation and
affection for each other, they manage
conflict well, they share their deep
inner life
• Lawyers need to create time for their
relationships or face the inevitable
consequences
Coping Strategies that
Work
• Life is rarely free of problems, healthy
coping creates happiness
• What works is to accept what is and
solve the problem-skip the part about
poor me or self blame
• Finding the blessing in the curse-all
events have a positive side even
disease and death
• Anything that doesn’t kill you will
make you stronger, almost all personal
growth is through suffering
• Recall a negative situation you have
transformed into a positive one
Developing Strategies for
Coping
• Your life situation will always be
complicated and problematic-if all of
your problems were solved today you
would have a totally new set of them
within 6 months-problems are in fact,
interchangeable-trying to solve them in
hopes your life will improve puts the
locus of control outside of yourself
• What can be changed is your
consciousness or attitudes towards your
problems and adapting healthy ways to
deal with them as they arise
Cognitive Behavioral
Systems
• These are forms of reframing events as
they occur in life, a death for example
can be framed as a total disaster or
some value or meaning can be derived
from it
• People who reframe quickly and
automatically are much happier-they
can put a positive spin on almost
everything
• There are many ways you can react to a
life event-one explanation is as good as
another, why not pick the most helpful
Cognitive Behavioral
Systems
• What prevents most people from doing
this is their egoic need to be “right”
about their thoughts
• As anyone who has done CBT knows
many of our thoughts contain serious
distortions and are very inaccurate (we
are talking here about judgments about
ourselves and others not factual
thoughts like -today is Wednesday
• In many cases in life you can be “right”
(about your judgment about a situation)
or you can be happy-one must make a
fundamental choice here
Learning to Forgive
• Hanging on to past resentments is
certain to increase unhappiness
• “Love thine Enemies” which
means have no enemies-is ancient
wisdom
• There are many good reasons for
forgiveness-the obsessive
rumination of hate only burns the
person doing it-in essence you
torture yourself with your
ruminations-it makes good
practical sense to forgive
Learning to Forgive
• You do it for yourself, not for the
person who wronged you
• Resentment often causes much more
damage than the original act did-i.e.30
years of resentment and anger for
sexual abuse occurring as a child
• Forgiveness can be in the form of a
letter, may require therapy, and can be
enhanced by talking to others who
made a major forgiveness (Bill Clinton
talked to Nelson Mandela)
Learning to Forgive
• The reason most people have trouble
with forgiveness is that there are huge
benefits in not forgiving-you get to be
“right”, you can “revel” in your victimhood, you get to relive the problem and
blame the other forever, it's easy,
everybody agrees with you, you don’t
have to change etc.
• Forgiveness is not condoning or
erasing what happened-it starts with
“acceptance of what is”
• Exercise-examples of people you have
forgiven-and those yet to be forgiven
Savoring Life’s Joys
• Really means enjoying the present moment or
activity fully, not considering the present
moment or activity as a means to an end
• Smell the roses rather than rush by-takes
conscious attention to do this-most of us
habitually are so busy in our rush to the next
moment we don’t savor much of this moment
• Celebrate good news, be open to beauty and
excellence, practice mindfulness-Zen
Buddhism-you can savor with your camera or
by writing
• Exercise: Is it possible to be too much in the
now? i.e.-most homeless people and
Alzheimer's patients live for the present.
What is the difference between living for the
now and living in the now?
Committing to Goals
• Self absorbed and aimless people are
chronically unhappy!!
• People who are striving for something
personally significant are happier than those
who don’t-working toward a meaningful life
goal is almost certain to increase happiness
• The following 6 types of goals work best
• Authentic goals: are consistent with our own
values and skills, we actually “want to”
achieve them-ideal self goals are what we
think we “should do” what the culture or
mom and dad want-getting a law degree can
be motivated by either
Committing to Goals
• Intrinsic Goals: are those that are personally
involving and rewarding to you-it is
pleasurable and meaningful to you i.e.
training for a marathon; these tend to be much
more effective than extrinsic goals• Extrinsic goals reflect more of what other
people approve or desire for you-goals that
are ego boosting-making money, seeking
power or fame
• Nothing wrong with extrinsic goals if they
allow you to achieve your intrinsic goals i.e.
making money to travel the world-but if you
believe the extrinsic goal is the end result you
will be disappointed-the classic “Christmas
Carol” story by Charles Dickens beautifully
illustrates this
Committing to Goals
• Approach goals: involve a desirable
outcome (learning to play an
instrument)-avoidant goals seek to
avoid an undesirable outcome (not to
be fat)
• Research shows that approach goals
work better and result in happier
people that avoidant goals i.e.- “I eat
healthy meals” vs. “I will avoid junk
food”
• Consistent goals: goals need to
complement each other rather than
conflict-spend more time outdoors vs.
build my business
Goals that Work
• Flexible Goals: goals tend to
change over time depending on
our stage of life
• Activity Goals: for example
joining a gym or yoga class tend
to produce more happiness over
the long term than a change in
circumstance goal i.e. buying a
flat screen TV or a new car-due to
hedonic adaptation
Achieving Goals
• Having goals is one thing, achieving
them is another
• Some tips follow
• S.M.A.R.T acronym is a good start
• Small steps work best even if the
overall goal is big-you climb a
mountain one step at a time
• Measurable-”I want to lose weight” is
too vague “I will lose I pound a week
for 15 weeks” is specific and
measurable
Achieving Goals
• Achievable-being grandiose usually
results in abandonment and failure
• Realistic-is the goal something you
have passion for and is it realistic for
you? Trying to become the
heavyweight boxing champ of the
world at 40 is a delusion not a goal
• Time bound-if you say exactly when- it
changes from a dream to a goal
• Activity-what are your goals in each of
the 6 goal types as described above?what are your SMART plans to achieve
these ?Wheel of Life exercise
Religion and/or
Spirituality
• Much research shows
Religious/Spiritual people are happier
and healthier than non R/S people arein some cases the differences are huge
(i.e. if you are recovering from heart
surgery you are three times more likely
to be alive 6 months later!!!)
• Spirituality-a search for the sacred or a
felt assurance of life
• Religion is the same but with a formal
doctrine or institution
Religion and/or
Spirituality
• One reason may be healthier lifestyles,
another may be more social support
and connection
• It may be due to having a big picture
view –in order to be depressed you
must be self centered with a focus on
“me and my problems” rather than
being part of an inconceivably large
picture and divine plan-also the focus
is outside of yourself
• It may be due to cognitive behavioral
reasons-if you believe God will take
care of you and loves you and has a
plan for you-this is a very comforting
base or ground
Religion and/or
Spirituality
• Non R/S people say these beliefs can’t
be proven or that such beliefs are an
“opiate for masses” but the research is
clear -if they want to believe that, then
they will pay a heavy price-more
unhappiness
• The paradox; from a cognitivebehavioral view point it is utterly
irrelevant whether a belief is “true” or
not-you will always act or react as if it
is true-you can believe you are part of a
divine and beautiful plan or a carbon
based organic life unit that will live a
short time
Taking Care of Your
Body
• If you don’t take care of your body
where will you live?
• Meditation is one of the most
extensively research proven ways of
creating inner peace
• It is based on the idea of cultivation of
attention or consciousness-watching
your thinking-it is based on Eastern
thinking, not Judeo-Christian, and is
thus hard to grasp for most westerners
• Basic principles:
• Be nonjudgmental -evaluating creates
problems-comparing yourself to others
is always egoic
Meditation
• Be non-striving- wanting only begets
more wanting, you can be in the
moment and still accomplish thingsliving for the moment and living in the
moment are opposites
• Be patient -one moment is the same as
any other moment
• Be trusting, have faith that the
universe will unfold as it should
• Be open -beginners mind, as if you
were seeing something for the first
time
• Let go -nonattachment, free of
obsessive ruminations
• There are many methods and ways of
meditating-check it out!!
Physical Activity
• One of the most bullet –proof
ways to overcome depression is
physical fitness-studies show
conclusively it is as effective as
antidepressants or most forms
of therapy
• There are so many proven benefits
to fitness that it is as close to a
miracle cure as anything out there.
• If you are unhappy, job one is to
find a fitness regime that works
for you
Physical Activity
• Why is it so effective?
• It gives a sense of being proactive in
your life-whereas taking drugs to
improve mood is totally passive
• Vigorous exercise puts focus on your
body and away from your mind
ruminating or obsessing-who ruminates
in a 100 yard dash?
• It blows off stress and tension without
therapy
• It allows for an experience of presence,
consciousness without thinking-it is
easy to be hooked on it –a positive
addiction!
Physical Activity
• It is one of the few remedies for
unhappiness that is virtually
guaranteed-I recommend a fitness
regime to all lawyers-it is one of the
most positive things you can do for
your career
• These are just the psychological
benefits-the physical health benefits are
equally impressive
• Some tips: start slow, do what you love
to do, do what you will do, make it fun
and easy, book time for it like it is an
important client, try and do 30 minutes
five days a week
Acting Happy
• As they say in AA “fake it till you
make it”-act happy and you will be!
• Acting happy actually makes you
happy-if you fake a smile for 5 minutes
in the morning it will change your
mood
• As people age their usual state
becomes frozen on their face as a
caricature-a happy person will have a
happy expression etc.
• Even faking laughter works!
• Lets try it now for a few minutes