Transcript Making Difficult Conversations Easier An Infopeople WorkshopPresented by: Edmond Otis, M.S., M.F.T. [email protected] This Workshop Is Brought to You By the Infopeople Project Infopeople is a.

Making Difficult
Conversations Easier
An Infopeople Workshop
2008
Presented by:
Edmond Otis, M.S., M.F.T.
[email protected]
This Workshop Is Brought to You By
the Infopeople Project
Infopeople is a federally-funded grant project
supported by the California State Library. It
provides a wide variety of training to California
libraries. Infopeople workshops are offered
around the state and are open registration on a
first-come, first-served basis.
For a complete list of workshops, and for other
information about the project, go to the Infopeople
website at infopeople.org.
“Success Covers a
Multitude of Blunders.”
– George Bernard Shaw
Goals for Today
Learn how to “approach” a difficult conversation in a way that
assures success.
Learn to understand the factors that make some interactions more
uncomfortable then they should be.
Learn the basics of good interpersonal communication - that makes
all conversations easier.
Learn how timing and focus can help us make difficult
conversations - easier.
Learn how to set goals and priorities so that difficult conversations
have positive outcomes.
Learn the incredible value of reframing in difficult conversations.
Learn to recognize and deal effectively with “difficult personalities
Our Agenda
What Makes Difficult Conversations Difficult?
The Basics - Better Interpersonal Skills Make for Easier
Conversations
Turning Conflict into Cooperation
Face to Face - Walking the Walk & Talking the Talk
Comments, Thoughts, Conclusions, Evaluations
Part I
What Makes Difficult
Conversations Difficult
Let’s remember to think in terms of “individual
context.”

Different conversations are difficult, for different
people, for different reasons.
The “difficulty factor” often increases when we:


Assume that the other person thinks, or feels,
the same way about the problem as we do.
Make assumptions about their motivations.
Please remember, we’re only human.
It is impossible not to make mistakes
that may offend others.
And, if we are very diligent,
we can always manage to be offended.
So, Again, What Makes Difficult
Conversations Difficult?
Is It Difficult Subjects?
Like What?
?
?
?
Is It Difficult Contexts?
Like what?
?
?
?
Is It Difficult Roles?
Professional roles?

What roles?
Personal roles?

In what way?
Is It Difficult Personalities?
Traits? Habits? Responses?
What makes someone difficult?
Is It “Chemistry”?
What makes bad chemistry?
What makes good chemistry?
Some of It Is Fear
But of What?
The outcomes?
Reactions?
Consequences?
The conflict?
Social/conversational discomfort?
?
Exercise #1:
Your Most Difficult Three?
Your Most Difficult Three...
Do You See a Theme?
Secondary Gain
In a psychological context,
secondary gain is a term used to
describe any “less obvious” benefits
of non-productive behaviors or
conditions.
So, what are the benefits of
being difficult to talk to?
Exercise #2:
Aaaggghhh!!!
I’m Not.
But, if I were, where would I be
difficult to talk to?
I Don’t.
But if I did, where do I get a
secondary gain from being difficult?
Part II - The Basics:
Better Interpersonal Skills Make
for Easier Conversations
Attending Skills Are
65-85% of the Game
Your posture and body language create a
feeling of involvement on your part.
Appropriate body movements and attention
create a productive atmosphere.
Use eye contact appropriately.
A calm, quiet, environment allows for better
communication.
When Is Physical
Contact Appropriate?
In a professional context – perhaps shaking
hands as a type of greeting.
In a personal or friendly context (where there is
a pre-existing personal relationship).
When Is Physical Contact
Inappropriate?
Whenever there is the slightest chance that it
will make someone uncomfortable.
When it is incongruous with the social context,
situation, topic, or preexisting relationship.
Exercise #3:
First, Let’s Have
an Easy Conversation
Exercise #4:
Now, Let’s Have an Easy
Meaningful Conversation:
an Exercise of Interpretation,
Insight, and Analysis
Part III
Turning Conflict into Cooperation
Everyone hits the target they aim at,
dead center – every time.
Unfortunately, a lot of us are aiming
too low – or else we're simply shooting
at the wrong target.
Exercise #5
Let’s Identify Some Scenarios
What are some situations that are likely to be
difficult for you?
What makes them difficult for you?
Accept the Undeniable...
Wishing that the dynamics or realities of the current
situation were different from what they are will not
change or improve the reality of “what is.”
In a sense, that wish is what has made the situation
as difficult as it is.
Often what makes a difficult conversation difficult, is
that an issue WILL NOT go away on its own. We
have to do something – or it stays bad.
In a sense we can learn everything
we need to know about resolving a
problem from a sign we see at any
mall in the country...
X
You are here
The First Rule
See Solutions
We usually make two mistakes...
We convince ourselves that there is only one
perfect (usually unattainable) solution.
We get desperate and convince ourselves that
there is no solution.
...usually, neither is true.
The Second Rule
Acknowledge the Difficulties
If the conversation or subject is difficult,
say so.
It’s OK to say what aspect of the
conversation is difficult for you.
The Third Rule
Remember We Are Only
Half of Any Conversation
Ultimately, we can’t control how people feel
or what they think.
We can only do our best.
This is both scary and liberating.
Keep Light
No “Position” Is Totally Intractable
Identify the subject - this is harder than it
seems.
Often we find that the difficulty is not what
we “assumed” it was.
Use the Magic of Reframing
"Framing refers to the way a conflict is described
or a proposal is worded; reframing is the process
of changing the way a thought is presented so
that it maintains its fundamental meaning but is
more likely to support resolution efforts...
"The art of reframing is to maintain the conflict in
all its richness but to help people look at it in a
more open-minded and hopeful way."
-- Bernard Mayer, in The Dynamics of Conflict Resolution
Outcomes and Solutions
Don’t stand on principle.
Don’t make “winning” your goal. There may be
nothing to win.
The goal is to MOVE FORWARD!
Focus
Have an Outcome In Mind
Difficult conversations are not casual chit-chat.
Don’t pretend that they are.
Compartmentalize your emotions.


Emotions are not thoughts! They tell us something
important is going on – but they don’t tell us what or
what to do about it.
That’s what thoughts are for.
... A quick word about emotions...
FEAR – throws you into an anxiety filled future
ANGER – drags you into a revenge colored past
Exercise #6
Master the Zen of “No”
Separate the People
From the Problem
Helping “Difficult Personalities”
Don’t be a slave to the emotions/tactics of others.
The Bulldog
The Liar
The Bully
“Ms Fragile”
The Blamer
The Easily Insulted
The Martyr
The Instigator
“Mr. Teflon”
And Other
Favorites...
The Big Question
Confront or Avoid?
Timing is everything: the “Broken Window
Theory” tells us to address problems quickly...

Before incidents turn into patterns.

Before small problems become large problems.

Waiting is guaranteed to turn a molehill into a
mountain.
It’s Usually Not “Fact or Fiction”
It’s More Like Rashomon – there are often
several interpretations to every story.
Hidden Issues? You Bet! Frequently what you
are arguing about is never the actual problem.
Part IV
Face to Face
Walking the Walk & Talking the Talk
Use Good Following Skills
to Keep Track of the Conversation
Get started - calmly identify the subject
Acknowledge your own difficulties in addressing
the existing problem – speak for yourself and
not for them
Ask useful questions – don't assume you know
someone else’s motivations or thoughts
Silence is golden – allow them to speak. Don’t
speak for them.
Acknowledge, don’t challenge their feelings.
Don’t Know How to Start?
Try Something Like This...
•
"I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work
together more effectively.”
•
"I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I’d like to get your
point of view.“
•
"I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to
talk?“
•
"I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)?" If they say,
"Sure, let me get back to you," follow up with them.
•
"I think we have different perceptions about _____________________. I’d
like to hear your thinking on this.“
•
"I’d like to talk about ___________________. I think we may have different
ideas on how to _____________________.“
•
"I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about
___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my
perspective as well."
Feelings Before Facts
Feelings carry more weight than facts.
Address your feelings in the dialogue – be open
and honest.
Ask them about their feelings and acknowledge
them – don’t make assumptions.
Recognize, acknowledge, and verbalize that
feelings are very important – but realize they don’t
necessarily dictate actions or outcomes.
Be Honest. Be Honest. Be Honest about yourself.
Making a Difficult Conversation
Successful
Is the Sum of All Its Parts.
Even When Done Correctly
It Is Still Difficult.
Exercise #7
Difficult Conversation:
Step by Step Practice
Take turns role playing a difficult conversation
using the scenarios you created.
Discussion, Questions,
Observations...
DON’T FORGET…
Please fill out an evaluation
before you leave.
Thank you and best wishes!