Transcript Difficult Conversations

Difficult Conversations
2009
Presented by
Mary M. Rydesky
Transition Management Consulting
“Disagreements, poorly handled,
lead to poor decisions, strained
relationships, & eventually to
disastrous results.”
– K Patterson, et al
What Makes Conversations Difficult
DCs are difficult for diverse reasons & are
affected by the social power positions of
those engaged
The “difficulty factor” rises when we


Assume that the other person thinks, or feels,
what we think/feel
Make assumptions about motivation
What Drew You Here?
Exercise #1
With a partner, describe a situation that
required or involved you in a difficult
conversation (“DC”)
What would you have liked to have
known then?
Your Experience
When have you experienced a DC?

Recall where (setting)

Recall issue

Recall your role

Recall emotions & thoughts
Difficult Subjects
?
?
Difficult Settings
?
?
Difficult Roles
Professional roles?

What roles?
Personal roles?

In what way?
Personalities
Traits? Habits? Responses?
What makes someone difficult?
“Difficult Personalities”
Have you met…
The Bulldog
The Liar
The Bully
“Ms Fragile”
The Blamer
The Easily Insulted
The Martyr
The Instigator
“Mr. Teflon”
And Other
Favorites...
Which One?
Exercise #2
With a partner, describe a “DC” with a
difficult personality
What was the hook?
“The Vibes”
What makes bad chemistry?
What makes good chemistry?
Fears
The outcomes?
Reactions?
Consequences?
The conflict?
Social/conversational discomfort?
?
Another Perspective
Exercise #3
With a partner, describe a difficult
conversation (“DC”) in which you
were not the ‘heavy’
What would you have liked the
‘heavy’ to have altered in the
handling of it?
Non Verbals: A Review
Posture & body language create a
feeling of involvement on your part
Appropriate body movements &
attention create a productive
atmosphere
Appropriate eye contact creates
openness
Calm, quiet, environment…full attention
The First Rule: See Solutions
We usually make two mistakes...
We convince ourselves that there is only
one perfect (usually unattainable)
solution
We convince ourselves that there is no
solution
The Second Rule:
Acknowledge the Difficulties
If the conversation or subject is
difficult, say so
It’s OK to say what aspect of the
conversation is difficult for you
The Third Rule:
We Are Only
Half of Any Conversation
Ultimately, we can’t control how
people feel or what they think
We can only do our best
This is both scary & liberating
Keep Light
No Stance Is Totally Intractable
Identify the subject - this is harder
than it seems
Often we find that the difficulty is
not what we “assumed” it was
Reframing
Framing - the way a conflict is described or a
proposal is worded
Reframing - changing the way a thought is
presented, maintaining its fundamental
meaning but is more likely to support
resolution efforts...
"The art of reframing is to maintain the
conflict in all its richness but to help people
look at it in a more open-minded & hopeful
way” -- Bernard Mayer, The Dynamics of Conflict Resolution
Focus
Prepare an Outcome
DCs are not casual chats
Compartmentalize your emotions


Emotions are not thoughts! They reflect
something important– but they don’t tell us
what or what to do about it
That’s what thoughts are for
Impact
Preparing for Outcomes & Solutions
Worksheets by
Triad
www.diffcon.com
Reflect & write
What Happened?
Multiple Stories
Evaluate
Feelings
Impact/Intent
Identity Issues
Contribution
Difficult Conversations by D Stone, B Patton & S Heen
Step 1 Preparation
What happened?

All sides, all perspectives
What feelings
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Unspoken feelings are treacherous
What affect on identity
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What is at stake for me about me?
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Treat your views as fallible, not as certain
Step 2 Purpose Check
What is to be accomplished?
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All sides, all perspectives
Decide whether to have the conversation


Is it the best way to accomplish your
purpose?
Chart costs & benefits vs. have & not have
Task & Relationship Value
High task
importance
Low task
importance
Force the issue and
Progress and integrate
sacrifice the relationship the task & relationship
(non-learning
(learning conversation)
conversation)
4
1
Leave things alone
(non-learning
conversation)
Sacrifice the task (nonlearning conversation)
3
2
Low relationship value
High relationship value
Step 3 Compare
Describe the problem as the difference
between your stories

Share your purposes
Invite joint exploration of the problem

Create a partnership environment or
agreement – & hold to it
Step 4 Explore
Listen – understand

Ask questions

Acknowledge feelings
Secondly, share your view

Include thoughts on how & where various
stories arose
Step 5 Problem Solving
Gather information

Ask questions
Invent options with value to each party

Separate inventing from selection options
Create ways to keep channels open

Use “By when?” for accountability
Separate People & Problems
• Refer to a resource
• ombudsman approach
• Breath deeply
• avoid tactics that engage
• Emotional response?
• walk, take a break
Confront or Avoid?
The “Broken Window Theory” tells us to
address problems quickly...
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Before incidents turn into patterns
Before small problems become large
problems
Waiting is guaranteed to turn a molehill into
a mountain
Types of DCs
Bad news message
Conflict – emotion or style based
Conflict – fact or ethics based
Bad News DCs
Prepare & practice
Talk in private
Come to the point quickly – no preamble
No surprises – keep staff informed

‘nature abhors a vacuum’ & the recipe for
gossip
It’s Usually Not “Fact or Fiction”
Often several interpretations to every
story
Hidden Issues? You betcha!
Frequently what you are arguing about is
never the actual problem
Keep Track of the Conversation
Get started - calmly identify the subject
Acknowledge your own difficulties in
addressing the existing problem – speak for
yourself, not for them
Ask useful questions – don't assume you
know someone else’s motivations or
thoughts
Silence is golden – allow them to speak
Acknowledge, don’t challenge their feelings
How to Start
• "I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think
will help us work together more effectively.”
• "I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first
I’d like to get your point of view.“
• "I need your help with what just happened. Do you have
a few minutes to talk?“
• "I think we have different perceptions about
____________. I’d like to hear your thinking on this.“
• "I’d like to talk about _______________. I think we may
have different ideas on how to __________________.“
• "I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding
about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings
about this & share my perspective as well."
Feelings Before Facts
Feelings carry more weight than facts
Address your feelings in the dialogue – be
open & honest about yourself
Ask them about their feelings & acknowledge
them – no assumptions
Recognize, acknowledge, & verbalize that
feelings matter– but realize they don’t
necessarily dictate actions or outcomes
Give TIME for feelings to be verbalized
Virtual DCs
Email? Blogs? Other media?
Performance issues, HR conflicts are
clearly not appropriate
Use email for stating purpose, agenda,
desired outcome, & time, date, place
Frame all issues as a shared
responsibility to understand & address
Practice ‘ambulance writing’
Virtual DCs II
Videoconferences?
Offset time & distance
Place cameras for tight view with good
front lighting
Telebehavioral health findings: the
Remote Control effect
Recording & ethics
Summary
Prepare (use templates)
Practice
Just Do It
Reflect on Outcomes
What Will You Try
Exercise #5
On your notes, write the following:
What one new idea or new perspective
on an old idea occurred to you?
What one idea will you agree to
implement in the next 7 days?
Discussion, Questions,
Observations...
For More Information
www.transitionmanagement.us
[email protected]
[email protected]
Resources
Crucial Confrontations (Patterson, 2004)
Crucial Conversations (Patterson, 2002)
Difficult Conversations (Stone, 2000)
http://www.nationwide.com
Mary M Rydesky, MLS, MBA
Mary M. Rydesky has experience in for-profit, not-for-profit, voluntary, academic,
and healthcare sectors as well as small business entrepreneurship. She has
operational, consulting, and clinical backgrounds, specializing in knowledge
management systems, planning and operations, organizational development, and
distance learning. Her perspective as an HR professional has proven beneficial to
clients and employers whose goals include sustainability through quality
improvement, customer satisfaction, internal communications, and procedural
efficiency.
As Human Resources Director for a telecommunications research firm, Ms. Rydesky
directed three massive reductions in workforce – truly, a setting for difficult
conversations! Her experience as a manager with expertise in organizational
development and personal mentoring has yielded comparatively positive situations:
but even in better times, talking about change can be challenging.
Ms. Rydesky operates Transition Management Consulting, established in 1975, with
offices in Anchorage and Dallas. Transition Management has served clients whose
businesses or careers are experiencing change. Visit www.transitionmanagement.us
for additional information or to contact her there following today’s presentation
entitled Human Resources: Difficult Conversations. Contact: [email protected]