Transcript EFTA Conference Berlin 29 September

Families, Attachment and
Separations
Prof. Rudi Dallos
Child with a Parent in Prison
Conference 2012
Dept. of Clinical Psychology,
Plymouth University
[email protected]
Dynamic Systems
“Many of the most intense emotions arise during the
formation, the maintenance, the disruption and the renewal of
attachment relationships. The formation of a bond is described
as falling in love, maintaining a bond as loving someone, and
losing a partner as grieving over someone. Similarly, threat of
loss arouses anxiety, and actual loss gives rise to sorrow;
whilst each of these situations is likely to arouse anger. The
unchallenged maintenance of a bond is experienced as a
source of security and the renewal of a bond as a source of
joy.”
(Bowlby, 1980)
First Separation
ACTIVITY : First Separation
 Remember back to the first time your were
separated from your parents as a child
 What memories come to mind : images,
scenes, words ?
 What feelings come to mind ?
 How were you comforted, prepared,
reassured about this separation?
 What was the re-union like ?
DEVELOPMENT of ATTACHMENT
STRATEGIES
Attachment system triggered by
DANGER ! !
Each Parents’ responses to child’s fear,
distress, comfort seeking .......
shapes the child’s
attachment pattern to that parent
ATTACHMENT ALWAYS TWO SIDED
Attachment always has TWO sides. Responses to
non-availability of the attachment figures:
PROTEST - anger (of hope and of despair)
and
VULNERABILITY – sadness
One may be shown more than the other, or shown in rapid
alternation.
ATTACHMENT STRATEGIES as
‘ATTEMPTED SOLUTIONS’
Secure: Parents consistently available when
needed, belief of being able to trust others,
aware that parents will be available, able to
show positive and negative feelings
Avoidant :
Parents consistently not
available when needed, belief that have to
rely on self, suppress negative/needy feelings.
Occasionally get needs met, especially by
pleasing and caring for parents. BLAME SELF
ATTACHMENT STRATEGIES
Anxious/ambivalent: Parents inconsistently
available, learn that exaggerating show of
negative feelings and needs elicits care,
Occasionally get needs met by coercing parents
BLAME OTHERS
Extreme/Disorganised: Parents
inconsistent and unavailable, neither self –
reliance or coercion work to elicit care, parents
may be frightening/frightened,
ATTACHMENT NEEDS - MUTUAL
PARENT (care-giving & seeking)
needs
attachment
needs
CHILD (care–seeking & giving)
Parents meet child’s needs but also child meets parents’ needs
MANAGEMENT OF FEELINGS : SELF CONTROL

Young infant relies on parents/carers to help regulate their feelings –
cannot do it by themselves

Attachment – is turning to parents/carers to protect us and manage our
feelings, fears, anxieties, distress

Child gradually learns to manage their own feelings:
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Patterns of self comforting – embody the attachment styles
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Internalises how parents comfort them
Internalises how parents regulate their own feelings – imitation, modelling
Develop internal conversations, images, feelings
turning inward to self ( avoidant)
outwards to others ( anxious/ambivalent)
Adult relationships – mutual source of comfort, assistance in managing,
controlling, soothing each other’s feelings. Mutual 
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Escalation
De-escalation
Challenge for Child with Parent in Prison
 Child needs both attachment figures to help deal with the loss/
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separation from the parent
Contact with the parent in prison may be sporadic
Remaining parent may be distressed and / or angry and less
available to help re-assure the child
Family belief may be that contact makes the separation worse ?
Family and wider context may be unsympathetic, so mother
and rest of family feel blamed and shamed
Feeling shame and guilt tends to close off support seeking and
promotes repression of feelings
Negative feelings – vulnerability and anger may intrude, break through
Internal Working Models
Beliefs and expectations about
 One’s own and other people’s behaviour
 Views of the SELF – How loveable, worthy
and acceptable am I?
 How available and interested are others in
me, and in caring for and looking after me?
Internal Working Models

SECURE: able to use feelings and cognitions to make sense of events

INSECURE:
AVOIDANT: Shut down and deny feelings, display of distress is expected to
annoy the caregiver so engage in pretending - put on false front – distrust
of feelings
AMBIVALENT: Expect carer to be inconsistent, not able to predict their
availability or verbal promises. Develop clingy and coercive strategies to
secure attention and caring - distrust of words
DISORGANISED/EXTREME : Carer may be confusing, frightened and/or
frightening, abusive, child finds it difficult to develop and predict a consistent
pattern – distrust of words and feelings
Change and Re-Organisation:
Triangulation
MOTHER
FATHER
Conflict/stress
Child also has an
attachment relationship
with the parents’ relationships
CHILD
Relationship with each parent
Pulled in to take sides
Conflict in construing relationship with each parent
Conflict in understanding impact on parent’s relationships ‘is it my
fault?’
Father Arrested: Separation Anxiety Test Pictures
OK so the next one in this picture the young persons father is being
arrested by the police.. what do you think that the young person might
feel ?
YP: Um really upset (pause) and maybe confused
Yeah and why do you think they might feel like that?
YP: Cos she may not know what’s going on why her dad’s been arrested
(long pause)
And what do you think the young person in the picture might do next
YP: She may want, she might go, she might go in (pause) with her dad to
make sure he’s gunna be alright
Ok so she might go in after him mhmm is there anything else the
young person might do ok and what do you think the parent in the
picture might feel like?
YP: Um embarrassed
Can you say a bit more about that why might he feel embarrassed ?
YP: Cos his daughter’s there seeing him getting arrested and (pause) he
may not want her to know why he’s being arrested
Yep ok and have you got any ideas about what might happen
after the picture was taken?
YP: He err (pause) she may be just too embarrassed to speak to
him anymore, anymore
So they might not speak anymore uhuh.. ok and then I want
you to think about if you were the young person in this
picture what do you think you might feel like ?
YP: I would feel pretty embarrassed and angry about it
Yeah and what would make you feel like that?
YP: Seeing her dad getting arrested
Ok and what do you think you would do next if it was you in
the picture ?
YP: I’d probably try and stop them
Father Arrested: Separation Anxiety Test Pictures
The young person’s father is being arrested by the police.. what do you
think that the young person might feel ?
YP: Embarrassed that his dads being arrested .. angry that his dads being
arrested um what’s the word I cant think of it (pause) I’ll just have to say
betrayed cos his dad would have said him not to do anything stupid not to get
arrested and there he is getting arrested
uhuh yeah
YP: Setting a bad example
And what do you think the young person might do next ?
YP: I’d go up and hit hi for being so stupid and getting arrested and, go back
home and (pause) I don’t know what he’d do it would be alright if I knew him
mmmmm
YP: Um he’d probably cos he looks quite angry at the police and making a fist
with his hand so he might go and hit something
And what do you think the dad in the picture might feel like ?
YP: He’d probably feel stupid um (long pause) embarrassed as well cos he’s
seeing his son seeing him get arrested (pause)
Mmmm and what do you think the dad might do next ?
Y P: not a lot he can do next cos he’s gunna be in prison (going jail) in jail
you don’t know how long he’s been arrested or what he’s been arrested for or
how long (pause)
Andrew Family
Andy
Sylvia
George
Andy’s
adult
children
Claire (9)
Dave(9) Eddie(9)
George convicted of
looking at photos of
young girls, waiting
sentence at this time.
Eddie very loyal to him
but also seen as a ‘very
difficult’ child
Suggested Reading:

Dallos R (2005) Attachment Narrative Therapy. Maidenhead: OU Press

Dallos R and Vetere A (2009) Systemic therapy and Attachment Narratives;
Applications in a range of clinical settings. London: Routledge

Dallos R and Vetere A (2010) Emotions, Attachments and Systems. Context,
107, 8-10
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Dubois-Comtios,K and Moss, E.( 2008) Beyond the dyad: do family interactions
influence children’s attachment representations in middle childhood. Attachment
and Human Development. 1094): 415-431

Vetere A and Dallos R (2008) Systemic therapy and attachment narratives.
Journal of Family Therapy, 30, 374-385