Transcript DIAGNOSTIC AND STATISTICAL MANUAL OF MENTAL …

Personal and Professional Perspectives
from an Adoptive Journey:
Lessons Learned
Presenters: Kathryn Biddle, LISW-S
& Sharon Biddle
This presentation will share:
Kate & Sharon Biddle will describe their personal
experience of what the adoptive journey has been for
each of their perspectives
From this experience the lessons learned about:
• Promoting meaningful attachment
• Working with Emotional Regulation
– your own and child’s
• The importance and means for self care
Kate’s Experience
My “Her-story” that lead me to adopt
• Dysfunctional family growing up
• Married with 2 sons
• Lead to interest in healing as professional –
over 35 years as social worker focused on
working with traumatized children
• How adopting Sharon has shaped what I have
learned about meeting the needs of these
children and the families that are raising
them.
Sharon’s Experience
• Here is my story…
Why adopt?
HOPE
Parent’s adopt for multiple reasons:
• Good hearted desire to provide a child with a loving home
• To live life fully with the gift of raising, sharing and and caring
for children
• May not be able to have biological children
• Philosophical/humanitarian reasons
• Single and want a child
• Fill one’s own loneliness – to have someone who will love you
• All your friends are having children
• Parents are pressuring for grandchildren
• Feel life won’t be complete unless you have a child
• “Save a child”
Reasons Children Need Adoption
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Biological parents were not able to raise them
Neglect
Abuse
Drug Addiction
Incarceration of parents
Mental Illness of parents
Illness
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Death
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Abandonment
It starts with Altruistic Heart
• With a birth child, there is a synchronized metronome
from the start between parent and child.
• With adoption you are dealing with a different DNA and
the earliest of circumstances.
• When it is your child from birth, you just suck up the
differences and problems that are part of raising a child,
but when it isn’t your biological child, you may find that
you have more challenges and limits.
Lessons Not Told When Adopting
• There is no way to be prepared for the changes you
will face in adopting a child
• You will have no clue for how this will change your
life – and whatever you think it will be like, you will
be wrong!
• As much as it is humanly possible let of expectations
when you adopt
Dynamics that
Impact Adoption
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Reason child is not with bio-family
Age
Bio-genetic factors
Special Needs
Attachment or lack of attachment
Previous placements
Family preparedness and resources
Trauma
1. “The person experienced, witnessed or was confronted with
an event or events that involved actual or threatened death
or serious injury, or a threat to the emotional, mental,
spiritual, or physical integrity of self or others.”
and
2. “The person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness or
horror. In children this may be expressed by disorganized
or agitated behavior.”
“…Complex Trauma is the experience of
multiple traumas that occur within the
caregiving system. Frequently include
simultaneous or sequential occurrences of child
maltreatment/neglect and domestic violence that
is chronic and begins in early childhood.”
(NCTSN
Complex Trauma in Children and Adolescence White Paper 2003)
Complex Trauma
Brain Development
Brains of children who have been abused are 7-8% smaller than
children with healthy development
Amygdale is enlarged stimulating fight, flight, freeze
responses more quickly
Hippocampus (sorts memory and experience) and Cortex
(judgment function- categorizes and processes info from the
senses) are diminished in size and become slower to process.
Broca (part of the brain responsible for speech) is smaller and
deactivated.
Corpus Collasum, the bridge for the brain hemispheres is less
developed.
Domains of Impairment
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Biology
Attachment
Affective regulation
Dissociation
Behavioral Control
Cognitive
Self Concept
Biology and Adoption
• Subtle variation in biology between parent
and child make a difference in bonding –
smell, taste preferences, voice differences, eye
contact, bio-rhythms
• Chronic stress manifests in psycho-somatic
symptoms
Attachment Issues
Attachment provides a model for all other relationships
Children who have not had consistent, nurturing, &
protective caregivers often develop problems with their
how they attach to others
Impacts core beliefs & relational schemata of:
• Self
• Others
• World
Problems with Poor Attachment
• Child is unable manage their emotions so they rely on
primitive and frequently ineffective coping skills so
they act more immaturely in the face of distress
• Children may become frightened by or guarded against
emotional experience in general so all feelings may be
perceived as overwhelming or as a threat
Celebration for Child
– Think Again
Celebration yes, but also Grief
Child has lost:
• Birth family
• Other placements
• Sense of history/lineage disrupted
• Community – friends, schools, place
Parent’s Celebration?
• Parent may need to grieve loss of “dream”
• Problems with attunement to child because of
challenging behaviors
• Parent may struggle their own self concept
“Well functioning” people, not functioning so well…
• Cannot fix the problems
• Struggle to maintain own self regulation
Attunement Challenges
Challenges that adopted children present
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Triggered responses to caregivers
Demands for attention - Clingy/ Needy
Angry/Oppositional
Patterns of approach/avoidance
Extreme emotional responses or shut down
Understanding Triggers
Any stimulus that acts a reminder of past
overwhelming experiences
• External
• Internal
Common Triggers
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Unpredictability or sudden change
Transition
Loss of control
Feeling vulnerable
Feeling rejected
Confrontation
Loneliness
Sensory overload
Intimacy (safety, love. Security, family)
Peace, calm, quiet
Triggered Behaviors
Pain based/Fear based Behavior
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Avoid/withdraw from caregivers
Over clingy, but unable to take in support
Freeze
Appear “manipulative” or attempt to control
caregiver
• Engaging in conflicting approach/avoidance
behaviors
Common Caregiver Responses
Emotionally
• Reduced sense of efficacy – feeling rejected
• Guilt and shame
• Anger and Blame
Behaviorally
• Shutting down – ignoring or minimizing child’s needs
• Punitive or authoritative over reacting - try to control or protect
• Overly permissive to prevent escalation
Caregiver Trouble Spots
• Usually specific situations that keep being challenging
• Areas of insecurity for parent
• Child behaviors in past that have been associated with crisis or
significant problems
• Caregiver’s own trauma history & triggers
• Areas of discrepancy between child and parent – values, cultural,
generational
• External stressors of parent
Co-regulation
Your modeling is essential –must walk, the walk
• Must regulate self before can help child
develop the capacity for regulation
• Build a plan of coping strategies
Understand Attention Seeking Behaviors
as Attachment Seeking Behaviors
Must Address:
1) A dysregulated nervous system- when the
children get on the fast track to
fight/flight/freeze (survival mode)
2)The need for the caregivers to be able to
support the child to feel and act safe.
Spiritual Masters
• Children are always teaching us about
ourselves and challenging us to live up to our
highest values
• Challenge is how much we have to be self
aware and regulate ourselves to skillfully and
constructively respond to real needs of child
Emotional Regulation
All Feelings are OK
Feelings may comfortable or uncomfortable
But they are guides to us pay attention to what is needed
Feelings come and go –
Feelings that arise are normal given what we are dealing with
We are not responsible for what we feel, but…
Behavioral Regulation
Our Own
Behaviors can be OK and Not OK
Does our behavior solve the problem and take
care of the need?
Must Not Do More HARM!
Behavioral Control – YOURS!
Self Discipline is TOP PRIORITY!
Discipline should focus on safety
& well being
Take your time:
• What is the purpose of child’s behavior?
• What do you want to child to learn?
• Not punitive - this is a challenge because of our own
deeply engrained reactivity
All behavior serves a purpose
How we understand the behavior makes a
big difference in our response
Must :
• Not Personalize
• Be aware of how realistic expectations are
for child’s capabilities
• Tune into and show respect for child’s feelings
before addressing behavior
Regular Routines & Rules
Creates sense of safety and predictability
Decreases power struggles
Must be flexible so child can be successful
Self Concept
Inherit web of child’s life forever
May be enriching but complicated
Reunification with Bio-parents?
Have Fun!
ABC’s of Self Care
A. Awareness
B. Balance
C. Connectivity
Awareness
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Requires time and quiet for
reflection
Claim the space you need
Mindfulness
Grounding
Cultivating Self Awareness
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Physical sensations
Emotions
Thoughts
Limits
Resources
Sets the stage for responsiveness and self care
Attend to Mind
? Reality
It’s impossible to have a good
relationship with my child!
I am doing the best that I can
and so is my child! This too shall
pass and we can grow from this
with patience.
How does each statement make you feel in the body?
How does each statement make you feel emotionally?
How does each statement effect your ability to move through
changes?
Which statement is helpful?
Which statement is accurate?
Pessimism
Optimism
To change your thinking from thinking from one of pessimism
to optimism you need to
Notice the P’s of your thinking:
- Pervasive
- Permanent
- Personal
And look for the C’s of optimism:
- Challenge
- Control
- Commitment
So in other words, you must quit P-ing on yourself
& start C-ing things in new ways!
Balance is the Aim
Between both life activities and within self
Play
Work
Rest
Discipline
Compassion
Action
Reflection
Practice Self Care
Take Care of:
• Body
• Emotions
• Mind
• Environment
What do you look for?
Cultivate an Attitude of Gratitude
On Purpose
Connection to Others
It takes a village:
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Need support from our families, partners, friends, colleagues,
and organizations, to maintain our commitments
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Supports by showering us with encouragement and holding us
accountable
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We are constantly creating the culture we live in by the attitudes
we hold, the choices we make.
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Need to actively and regularly get together with others to buffer
the challenges we face.
Loving Kindness Meditation
Final Thoughts
The Good outweighs the Bad 10 fold!
We are all enriched and grow in this process!