Win-Win in Conflict Settings

NEGOTIATION

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Conflict

Power

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Legitimate (degree, certification) Referent (consistent values = trust) Charisma Expertise (language) Situational (post office clerk) Sharing information = bond

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Overlapping Power Bases

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Lack of role clarity Attempts to increase power or influence

HOW TO DEAL w/ Adult Aggression

1.

Listen, use a warm tone, and don’t judge 2. Match pace and intensity — 3. BUT as they speak louder, you speak softer 4. Focus on the here and now

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Write down what they say

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When they slow down ask what else is of concern to them

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Ask for clarification Show them the list and ask them if there are more concerns.

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Ask them for suggestions for solving any of the problems

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Help them prioritize problems, identify options and resources

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Irrational Thinking

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Ability

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I must do well and get approval I or my child must have one talent People must achieve their full potential or they are of little value

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Their must be one correct solution to my problem(s)

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Interactions with others

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Others must treat me well and be fair I must have approval from sign. Others I need other to rely on Others control events that make me feel anxious, dependent, depressed, incompetent I can’t stand these emotions Things like justice,democracy, fairness must prevail.

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Life Patterns

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Life must be easy, comfortable If events are too stressful, I must continue to make myself upset about this

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It is easier to avoid facing difficulties than to face them

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I can do little to alter my problems My life should have a special meaning

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I should be able to live as long as I want to live

Negotiation

1. You are negotiating all the time--structure it so they get what the want and you get what you want--relieve stress in your life 2. Everything that you want is currently owned of controlled by someone else- learn how to get it without dominating or controlling 3.

Don’t narrow to one issue—win/lose 4.

People don’t want the same thing

Negotiation cont.

5. Whatever we do to help others get what they want, doesn’t take away from what we need 6. Get as much info about what the other wants as possible 7. Don’t assume you have a weaker hand 80% in last 20% 8. Don’t assume that what they can’t give you means that there isn’t something they CAN GIVE YOU.

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Nibbling Hot potato

Negotiation Moves: Win Win

Appeal to higher authority Set aside issue Good guy/bad guy Never say yes to the first offer Don’t argue; always agree Be modest

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Ask for more than you want Visually react to the first offer Ask for something in return right away People believe what they see in writing Congratulate the other negotiator; encourage other to split difference Decoy or red herring Puppy dog technique Reluctant buyer or seller

Applications

ROLES: 1. CONFLICT GENERATOR (parent, teacher, child)--you determine problem 2. CONSULTANT and CONFLICT RESPONDER 3. OBSERVER/RECORDER and SUMMARIZER

Applications

1. Parent who doesn’t want the child to receive any positive recognition at school because he isn’t doing well at home. Parent comes to school to ask you to stop using positives (i.e., she is a tough love proponent).

2. Johnny’s 5th grade teacher has been told to use cooperative groups. S/he blames Johnny for the fact that the groups flop. Johnny is on your case load and the teacher has come to talk with you about ‘your student.’