Transcript Personal Narrative - Mr. L's 5th Grade

Please
CLEAR your
desk except
for a pencil
and your
notebook
opened to a
blank page.
I remember…
In your notebook brainstorm a
list of at least 10 “I remember”
statements. They should be
memories from YOUR own life.
They can be about a funny,
scary or serious event, as long
as it’s true. Perhaps you could
write about a time you
overcame a challenge like the
characters in our unit.
Ex: I remember the time my family and I went to Dorney
Park in Pennsylvania, and I finally dared to go on the
roller coaster.
Personal Narrative
•Tells a story about YOUR life that only YOU can tell
•From YOUR point of view
•Special memory
•Specific event
•Journal or diary
When you make your list of “I
remember” statements, you should
be writing specific events.
For example, writing about “My Trip
Florida” is usually too general (  ).
to
When you make your list of “I remember”
statements, you should be writing specific
events.
For example, writing about
“My Trip to Florida” is usually too general (  ).
Instead, you can write about
certain parts of your trip,
such as these…
I remember when I was afraid to go on Space Mountain,
but I finally did it.
I remember when the rental car broke down
on the highway.
I remember finally being brave enough to jump
off the diving board n my grandparents’ pool.
There are many things to write about. Following, are more
examples. Notice that they are specific  , not general .
I remember seeing a bear wander into our
campsite.
I remember falling out of a tree and
breaking my arm.
I remember being out fishing in a boat with
my father and getting lost in the fog.
I remember the day we got our puppy.
Number you page 1 – 6.
Next to each number write G for general or S for specific.
1.
My dog
2.
The time my brother taught me how to skate
3.
When I got lost in a huge mall
4.
When I went to California
5.
Being in elementary school
6.
Winning a spelling bee in third grade
Let’s pause to look at
some personal narratives
that other 5th graders
wrote…
Category/Trait
Focus/Ideas
4
3
well focused; sticks focused; mostly
to topic; plenty of sticks to the topic;
supporting details some supporting
details
2
often off topic
1
no focus; always off
topic
Organization and
Paragraphs
clear sequence of
events; uses
transitions
mostly clear
confusing sequence no attempt to put
sequence with one of events
events in order
or two mistakes
Voice – Does your
personality shine
through?
honest, engaging
voice; reader wants
to keep reading;
sounds like “you”
pleasant voice, but
doesn’t make the no clear, original
reader want to
voice
keep reading
Word Choice
vivid descriptive
words that show
instead of tell
some vivid words
that show instead
of tell
Sentences
clear sentences
mostly clear
with a lot of variety sentences with
some variety
Conventions
(rules)
few or no errors
several minor
errors
few vivid words
flat writing; no
voice at all
no attempt to
show instead of tell
some sentences
fragment or run on
unclear, confusing; sentences
little variety
many errors
too many errors
that make the
paper hard to
understand
4
Swimming to the Other Side
Narrative is focused and well paced. Paragraphs are organized and connected with
transitions. Writer’s voice is enthusiastic. Word choice is specific, with similes.
Sentences are varied and include compound sentences. Conventions are good.
Last summer at Camp Wilderness I decided to swim across Lake Wonder. I knew it wouldn’t
be easy. Lake Wonder is wide, deep and always ice-cold. When you jump in the frigid water, your body
feels like a popsicle!
First I needed to plan to reach my goal. The camp physician, Dr. Curtis, helped me design a training
schedule. This included both swimming longer distances to build endurance and exercising on land to
build strength. Next, I assembled my training team of camp counselors. Max trained me in the water.
He gave me tips on my stroke and showed me an awesome way to kick my feet like propellers. Judy was
my “on-land” coach. Every day I swam, ran, lifted weights, and stretched my muscles for greater
flexibility. When I got in bed at “lights out,” my aching muscles begged me to stop. Would it be worth it?
They don’t call if Lake Wonder for nothing!
After four weeks of training, I finally felt ready to dive in! The water was cold, but I
concentrated on the Moved that Max taught me and thought about reaching the other side. I could hear
the loud cheers of my friends. “Come on!" they shouted. You’re almost there!”
Suddenly, I looked ahead and saw the shoreline. I felt a little spurt of energy. I kicked my feet
harder and thrust my arms deeper into the water. When I reached the shore, I felt exhilarated. My fans
cheered and swarmed around me. Wow! I felt like I could turn right around and swim back.
1
Let me Sleep
There is no clear beginning, middle and end. Even though the writer’s
voice comes through loud and clear, the topic is not developed enough.
There are also too many errors in conventions. This is a good start, but
should not be considered a final draft just yet.
Let me Sleep
Waking up in the morning is a problem. I don’t like to get up. My mom
likes the morning. She comes in my room at the crake of dawn saying Tony, time to
get up the bus will be hear soon. I think the bus should come at noon, then the bus
driver could also sleep. I think life should start at noon. Just think, no crabby people
because they are tired. Late TV and video games. I wish the bus and everyone else
would start alter for my friends and I.
3
Multiplication Wizard
Narrative captures a challenging experience and the writer’s feelings about it.
Voice is involved and compelling. Word choice is often specific (flip-flops, wizard,
swirled pictures). Sentences are varied and fluent. The final sentence in
paragraph three is off topic-. Many sentences begin with I. There is a pronoun
error. Did you find it??
In third grade I struggled with multiplication. My stomach did flip-flops on tests. Mom called
me “math-challenged.” I just couldn’t learn the multiplication tables! I decided to face my enemy and
become a multiplication wizard.
I met with Ms. Eagan after school to learn strategies for mastering multiplication. She told
me to practice the multiplication tables every day (even on weekends!). I created multiplication
flashcards. I flipped thought them whenever I had a free moment. I quizzed myself at the bus stop, in
bed, and in the waiting room at the dentist’s office. My friend Jean and I composed a rap song about
the multiplication tables by putting the formulas to music. I don’t think we’ll ever get a record deal, but
who knows!
Finally the day of the test came. My mom quizzed me at breakfast, Jean and me sang the
multiplication song all the way to school, and I whizzed through my flashcards one last time before
class. I went to work when I got the test. In my mind swirled pictures of flashcards and the melody of
the multiplication song. Thirty –four minutes later, I handed in my exam. I couldn’t wait to get outside
and relax with my friends because it was Melissa’s birthday.
The next day Ms. Egan handed me my exam. Wow! I missed one problem. Next to my
name, Ms. Egan had written “Multiplication Wizard.”
2
My Creative Solution
This lively narrative has an attention grabbing voice and several details. The
problem is solved and the ending is funny. Word choice is generally good,
except for “lots” and “guy”. Sentences are smooth and varied. However all the
spelling errors, missing commas and lack of paragraphs take away from this
piece of writing.
My Creative Solution
Last year on my birthday my dad put a basketball hoop in our driveway, but it was
too high for me to dunk. Mom said to eat my vegetables and grow. After several
plates of broccoli and asparagus (I think asparagus tastes like snakes), I decided
vegetables were NOT the answer. Then I tried stretching exercises like jumping jacks
and lunges and drinking lots of water. I read about a guy in Arkansas who drank a
galleon of water a day and grew a foot when he was in eighth grade. No luck
though. My sister said I was crazy. I was still 5 feet 1. Finally, I found two tires in the
garage. I stacked them next to the hoop. Than I would run to the hoop jump on the
tires and slam the ball in the net. It was COOL! My mom sed that I still have to eat
vegetables. No broccoli or snakes though.
Which memory would make the
best choice for my personal
narrative?
• You have a clear memory of it and remember lots of sensory
details
• It recalls a specific event
• It’s important enough to write about – you need to have enough
information
• You want to write about it!
Now go through your list and choose ONE that meets all these
requirements and can be used for your personal narrative. Once you
made your choice, get it approved and come up for a planning sheet.
Happy
writing!
I’ve made my plan, now what??
• Brainstorm
•Plan for each paragraph
•First draft – actually get your ideas into paragraphs
•Second draft – improve each paragraph ONE at a time
•Look at each paragraph separately and see how you can
expand your ideas and add details.
•You may want to write each paragraph on a separate piece of
paper to leave room for your changes…
•Revise – add transitions, improve verbs, add adjectives and adverbs, include
similes…
•Edit – check spelling, punctuation, sentences…
You may need to write another draft if you’ve made a lot of additions
•Final draft