Transcript Chapter 10: Helping Couples and Families Harmful Attitudes • • • • Faultfinding attitude Winning—my way is the only way Unquenchable need for security An unforgiving spirit Positive Attitudes • • • • • • Accept personal.

Chapter 10:
Helping Couples and Families
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Harmful Attitudes
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Faultfinding attitude
Winning—my way is the only way
Unquenchable need for security
An unforgiving spirit
Positive Attitudes
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Accept personal responsibility for relationship
Learn acceptance
Remember your friendship
Yield to win
Turmoil not allowed to transcend relationship
Hold high standards.
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Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
• Gottman’s years of research
• Conclusion: Knowing what stable, happy couples
did _____ was more important than knowing what
unstable couples did _____
• Knowing how stable couples deal with conflict
will help in developing strategies for troubled
couples.
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• Helping couples develop an in-between
style—to maintain 5 to 1 ratio
• Mismatched styles - one or both partners
must make adjustments in the way problems
are addressed.
• Even stable couples have perpetual
problems.
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• ____ of problems- perpetual
• Analyzed how stable, happy couples
managed their issues
• Goal: To “make the marital magic of the
marriage ______ clear so that therapists can
teach it to other couples”.
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The Seven Principles of Happy Marriages
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Gottman - “The Sound Marital House”
House has ___ floors
Foundation is important
Floors needs to be well-constructed
House is continually under attack from
____________ .
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• How long does it take the marriage house
to crumble? Over ____ of divorces occur
in first seven years
• “The Sound Marital House” provides
1) a description of _____ marriages (the
seven floors) and
2) a prescription - what couples need to do to
________ health or rebuild that structure
(seven principles).
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The 1st Three Floors
• Based on essential ingredient of stable
marriages - a solid _________.
• Research: Stable marriages - partners like each
other, like to be together, and regard each
other highly. This creates a prevailing
________.
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• 1st floor – made up of a continuing _______ in
your partner’s life. Exhibit this interest every day
• 1st Principle: Find out about the details of your
partner’s life
• Likes/dislikes; hopes/dreams; worries/ anxieties
• Spend time together, talk to each other, Keep
details in memory bank; continue to add to
memory bank.
• Doing this updates ____ map
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• 2nd floor: made up of
___________________________
• Glue that holds relationships together
• The horseman ________ is especially
harmful to this glue
• F. & A. keep the ___________ from eating
away the foundation.
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• A clue to whether this glue still exists is
how the partners remember
• _______________
• 2nd Principle: Take time to nurture the
fondness and admiration system.
• Do this often!
• How?
• The Magic 5 Hours a Week – see handout
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How to Nurture the F. and A. System
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Show interest
Be affectionate
Be appreciative
Show concern
Be empathetic
Show you care
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Be accepting
Joke around
Share joy
Use repair attempts
during conflict
• Show understanding
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• 3rd Floor: Stable couples turn ______ each
other in _______ ways each day
• Adds to Emotional ____ Account
• Little moments when partner’s turn
_______________ are important.
• Have end of day conversations, p. 328
• 3rd Principle: Redouble your effort to turn
toward each other in support
• If first three floors are sound, the 5 to 1
ratio is intact.
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• 4th Floor: Partners experience _______________
overide
• Allows some _________ to be processed in
marriage without inferring evil intent
• With F. & A., and positive sentiment override,
partners more likely to ______________ .
• Wives – ____ startup
• Husbands who accept ________ and ______
their wives point of view - much more likely to
have happier marriages.
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• This allows ______ attempts to be successful
• Caution: Some marital therapies that just teach
couples conflict resolution fail. Why?
• Finding: A reciprocal relationship exists between a
husband’s ________________ and a wife’s use of
soft _______ during conflict.
• 4th Principle: Allow yourself to be influenced by
your partner.
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• 5th Floor: Solve your _______ problems
• Solvable – more _______, situational, no
underlying ____________ fueling the
dispute
• 5th Principle: Learn marriage masters skills
to solve solvable problems
• What are these skills?
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Skills the Marriage Masters Use
 Start conflict discussions _____
 Know about repair _______, make them,
and respond positively to them
 ______ yourself and your partner
__________ - the only resolution to
marital problems
 Be ______ of your partner’s faults.
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• Comment:
• Marital paradox - Partners change only when
they realize that
• ________________________________
• The partner must know that s/he is accepted the
way they are
• Remember: marital disagreements are about
different _____ of view, neither of which are
________ reality.
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• 6th Floor: Make Dreams Come True by
Overcoming ________.
• Perpetual problems: deeper ______ - differences
relating to personality, ______ of origin (chap. 5,
p. 127), or _______________
• Couples must not _____ up. They must continue
to ____ about their perpetual issues
• Many couples are not able to do this without
putting their marriage in jeopardy.
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• Marriage masters - satisfying relationship in
spite of _________
• Perpetual conflicts exist because partners
have important dreams which are not
understood by their partner
• Uncover these dreams—dreams ______ the
conflict
• Listen to and understand the dream.
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• Yet, understanding is not enough
• Must see both partners’ dreams as ________
• Must work together so that both partner’s
dreams can be realized as much as possible
• To achieve this, partners must be understanding
and willing to accept influence
• They must accept each other for what they are
and communicate this acceptance.
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• Couples motto: “Your dream is my dream and if
it is important to you, then it is important to me”
• Must learn to _____ for the sake of the marriage.
Yielding to win.
• 6th Principle: Learn to live with unsolvable
problems. How?
 Detect underlying dreams, where these
dreams come from, and why they are
important.
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 Discuss dreams in _____________ way
 Respect partner’s dream - differences relating to
dreams may no longer be perceived as______, but
rather as important _____
 Couples learn to: a) define area on which they
cannot _____, b) define where they can be
______, and c) find temporary __________ that
respects each partner’s desires
• Remember: This approach is based on what happy
couples (the marriage masters) did.
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• 7th Floor: Value Shared Meanings by Creating
“Family Culture”, Rituals, Customs, Common
Goals, Etc.
• This top floor strengthen the marital ________
• Talk to each other about beliefs, values,
traditions, dreams, and things of importance
• All dreams may not be in sync, but partners
know about and respect differences.
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• When couples learn to carry out shared goals,
they become a ____. There is a ________ which
strengthens their ties together
• 7th Principle: Create customs, rituals, common
goals etc. that are shared, important, and enjoyed
by everyone (shared meanings) so that family
members feel they are working together as a
team to achieve common objectives and goals.
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7th Floor: Structure – Value Shared
Meanings
Principle: Create shared meanings
6th Floor: Structure - Making Dreams Come True
Principle: Learn to live with unsolvable problems
5th Floor: Structure - Solve Solvable Problems
Principle: Learn the 5 steps (helping strategies)
4th Floor: Structure - Positive Sentiment Override
Principle: Allow yourself to be influenced by your partner
3rd Floor: Structure - Healthy Emotional Bank Account
Principle: Learn to turn toward each other
2nd Floor: Structure - The Fondness and Admiration System
Principle: Nurture your fondness and admiration
1st Floor: Structure - Continuing Interest in Your Spouse
Principle: Expand cognitive maps/love map for your spouse
THE SOUND MARITAL HOUSE
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Developing a Conscious Marriage:
Harville Hendrix and Imago Therapy
• Initial agreements: Stop blaming and
criticizing, come to 12 sessions, practice
new ways of behaving
• Creating a positive vision of marriage
• The couple’s dialogue—mirroring,
___________________.
• Parent-child dialogue—seeing the ________
child.
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• The Behavior Change _______ - tell your
partner what s/he can do to help you heal:
should be positive, specific & measurable
• If partner can do these things it will lead to
his/her growth
• Re-romanticizing the marriage—ask what they
have appreciated in spouse.
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• Solving a puzzle: how can our marriage help us
heal when our partner exhibits negative char.of our
early caretakers who wounded us?
• Pay attention to criticisms. Why?
• One spouse given chance to stretch into new beh.
on request list that are growth producing & helpful
to spouse.
• The difficulty of change and getting through the
power struggle.
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Helping Families…
• Understand how patterns of behavior are passed
down from generation to generation
• Understand they are too enmeshed in the affairs of
each other
• Understand that rules are too inflexible
• Communicate directly with each other rather than
through a third person: don’t triangle in.
• Establish healthy boundaries to the outside world
and negotiate healthy boundaries within the family
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Helping Families…
• Work as a team to achieve common goals
• Restructure rules so that unhealthy rules are
eliminated
• Resolve difficult problem issues so that
each member’s needs are taken into
consideration
• Own the family problem
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Healthy Families…
• Develop flexible, healthy, and age-appropriate
rules
• Respect each member’s needs
• Support the mental and emotional growth of
family members
• Treats individual members with dignity and
respect
• Communicate in direct, clear, and honest ways
• Listens to each other and attempts to understand
(empathic understanding)
• Shares responsibility in a fair way
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Healthy Families…
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Forgive and learn from mistakes
Know the importance of play and humor
Have a moral belief system
Foster and enjoy time together
Value rituals and traditions
Encourage service to others
Admit problems and know when to seek help
Behave in emotionally intelligent ways
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