Transcript Confrontation Some Guidelines for Confronting Others

The Portable Mentor Presentation Series
Confrontation
Some Practical Guidelines for
Confronting Others Effectively
A Presentation for SOMC Physician
Leaders’ Forum
Kendall L. Stewart, MD, MBA, FAPA
April 25, 2002
SOMCPress
A manipulative preacher asked all the righteous people to turn around and face sinners.
What’s in this for me?
• Most people find it easier to talk about others
than to talk to them.
• People don’t read our minds nearly as well as
we wish they would; Subtle hints rarely work.
• Failure to confront others leads to resentment,
misunderstanding and frustration.
• Angry confrontation rarely helps.
• Effective confrontation is an art.
• You can learn to confront others more
effectively.
• The quality of your life will improve as a
result.
An arrogant surgeon reminded me that other perspectives always exist.
What strategies will promote more
effective confrontation?
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Clarify the issues
Specify the problem
Explore your options
Decide whether
confrontation is the best
option
Prepare to confront
Deal with your own
feelings
Ask permission to
confront
Confront in love
State your position
• Seek to understand
• Know when to abort the
mission
• Invite suggestions
• Be prepared to suggest
some solutions
• Specify next steps
• Document the
confrontation
• Follow through as
promised
• Accept the consequences
• Practice, model and
mentor others
I once asked an angry physician if she would like to hear my perspective.
Deal with your feelings.
• Why?
– A variety of unpleasant
feelings are normal
during the preparation
stage.
– Dread, apprehension
and frustration are
usually part of the mix.
– Few of us long to hurt
others.
– All of us want others to
like us.
– Unrecognized feelings
are the most dangerous.
– Uncontrolled feelings
always distort
communication.
• How?
– Identify, accept and
express your feelings.
– Writing and then
destroying a letter
detailing how you feel
can be very helpful.
– Allow intensity of
feelings to fade over
time.
– Stop pointless
rumination and
obsessive stimulation.
– Employ healthy
distractions.
– Consider meditation.
Before marriage, prepare a list of what you like and don’t like about each other.
Prepare to confront.
• Why?
– It is easy to get
distracted
– Impulsive speculations
about the other person’s
motives will derail the
entire process.
– Lack of preparation
encourages
defensiveness and
directs attention to
current feelings and
away from critical
perceptions.
• How?
– Write out your position
beforehand.
– Document what was
observed.
– Prepare to explain how
the observed behavior
made others feel.
– Come up with some
acceptable options.
– Identify some suggested
next steps.
I once confronted administrators who had discriminated against my patients.
Ask permission to confront.
• Why?
– It is a courtesy you
would appreciate if the
tables were turned.
– It gives the other person
time to prepare to listen,
to hear and to
acknowledge your view.
– This approach
encourages an exchange
of perceptions instead of
accusations.
– Respectful discourse
increases the odds to
making some lasting
change.
• How?
– Wait until your emotions
cool so that your request
will not come across as
a demand.
– Be brief and direct.
– Identify the issue and
express your concern.
– Set a definite time for a
more complete
discussion.
– Resist being drawn into
a premature discussion
before both of you are
ready.
An admired college professor confronted me about an unethical speech.
Confront in love.
• Why?
– The underlying message
is usually lost in the
blinding flash of an angry
attack.
– An angry confrontation
leaves permanent
emotional scars and
stands little chance of
producing lasting change
or sustained relationship.
– People are more likely to
pay attention to those
they believe admire and
respect them.
• How?
– Everyone possesses
strengths and
weaknesses.
– Reflecting on these
strengths will put you in
the proper frame of mind.
– Open the confrontation
with sincere
acknowledgement of this
person’s strengths.
– Focus on behavior.
– Assume the best of
intentions and a lack of
malice on the offender’s
part.
An angry woman confronted me about my consultation on her father’s case.
Try to understand.
• Why?
– Misunderstandings are
at the heart of many
conflicts.
– People always have
what they believe are
good reasons for
behaving as they do.
– Those who feel
understood are more
willing to take
responsibility for their
actions.
• How?
– Listen nonjudgmentally to their
point of view.
– Listen to what they
mean, not what they
say.
– Accept their feelings.
(This does not mean
their actions are
acceptable.)
– Focus on patterns of
behavior, not
individual incidents.
You may have to state the obvious. A man came in complaining of silent gas emissions.
Follow through as promised.
• Why?
– Confrontation is only the
first step in the change
process.
– The pain of the
confrontation behind us,
we don’t want to rock the
boat again.
– Without being held
accountable, all of us will
slip back into our old
ways of doing things.
– Improved behavior that is
reinforced is more likely
to continue.
• How?
– End every confrontation
with plans for specific
next steps.
– Nobody’s perfect. Cut
people some slack–but
not too much.
– Avoid the ambush. Make
an appointment to
evaluate progress.
– Invite comment about
whether you are keeping
your end of the bargain.
– A written note for the
opportunity to be open is
generally well-received.
What are some of the take home
points?
• Confrontation is hard.
• Effective confrontation is even harder.
• This vital interpersonal skill can be learned
and improved with practice.
• The ability to confront others effectively will
improve the quality of your life.
Where can I learn more?
• Stewart, Kendall L, “Confrontation: Some Guidelines for
Effectiveness.” A SOMC White Paper, SOMC Press, 1999. This
White Paper can be downloaded from http://www.somc.org.
• Stewart, Kendall L, The Portable Mentor: Guidelines for
Organizational Effectiveness. (In Press)
• Stewart, Kendall L, “Confrontation: Some Practical Guidelines
for Confronting Others Effectively,” The Portable Mentor
Presentation Series, SOMC Press, 2002. This presentation can
be downloaded from http://www.somc.org.
How can we contact you?
Kendall L. Stewart, M.D.
Medical Director
Southern Ohio Medical Center
1805 27th Street
Portsmouth, Ohio 45662
740.356.8153
[email protected]
www.somc.org
What questions do you have?
Southern Ohio Medical Center
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