Transcript Not good enough

Letting Go: Steps to
Self Acceptance
Melissa Taylor, LMFT
Kim Passmore, RD
Center for Change
Perfectionism vs Excellence
Perfectionism
obsessive
rigid
unreachable
secretive
productivity
guarded
sensitive
critical
Excellence
consistent
flexible
obtainable goals
self-disclosing
process
open
approachable
kind
Profile of Eating Disorder Psyche
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Hypersensitivity
Perfectionistic
Pleasing others
Externally focused
Talented
Intelligent
Gifted in Arts
Athletic
Consequences
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Cognitive: distorted thoughts regarding worth, hard on
self, black and white thinking
Spiritual: starts to distance themselves from God, sees
God as punishing, sees themselves as a failure
Emotional: starts to shut down, rigid thinking, feels
depressed and anxious
Social: isolate from important relationships, feels that
others will judge them as they judge themselves
Perfectionism & Self-esteem
Clients report a clear and destructive voice in
their head that is
 Hypercritical
 Despair-confirming
 Tyrannical
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 Ex:
“everyone hates you,” “you are a burden,”
“things will never work out for you”
How to Accept Self:
Look internally
Worthiness does not equal worth
Worth versus worthiness
 Worthiness
is about action, intent to follow
righteous principles of gospel
 Worldly value versus eternal perspective
Stay at home mothers
 Teachers
 Service professionals
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 The
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American Culture validates
the tan, the thin, the rich, the well-dressed, the body
“perfected by surgical enhancements and reductions”
Sum of Our Actions
 American
society grades and measures us on the
activities that we do
 Learn this from birth… congrats you took your first
step, grades in school
 How many goals did you make in the soccer game,
how fast did you run the mile, what college are you
attending, how much money you make at your first
job, what type of house do you live in, which
neighborhood that house is in….
Worth from an LDS Standpoint
 Heavenly
Father states the worth of a soul is great in
the sight of God (D&C 18:10)
 Our Savior gives examples of this worth by
Leaving the 99 and finding the 1 lost sheep (Matt 18:12)
 Teaching us through the prodigal son how to treat the
sinner and the penitent soul (Luke 15)
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Worth and LDS (cont’d)
-Our worth is a constant
Cognitive restructuring in therapy
-We are giving weaknesses to become strong (Ether 12:27)
Accept your weaknesses and acknowledge them
-We learn line upon line
Have patience with yourself, this is a lifelong experience
-Find your identity through exploration and struggle
There are many gifts of the Spirit and every man is given a
gift, but we aren’t given all the gifts
Combating the Negative Voice
Write down the negative thoughts you have
about yourself
 Be reasonable, ask someone you trust to look
over your thoughts
 Use a therapist to help you become aware of
your self-defeating patterns
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Negative
Rational
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I am fat
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I am a failure
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I am unlovable
I worry that others judge
me before seeing who I
really am
I need to show myself
kindness when I don’t
meet my expectations,
others do
People tend to like me
even when I don’t
The Gift of Progression
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Vulnerability
 Brings
us closer to others
 Show weaknesses, energy in other things than not
being perfect
 Trust builds, learn how to do relationships
 Search for the Savior
Gifts of Self-Acceptance
 When
we are kind to ourselves we learn how to get
up after falling
 We learn that exploration is good
 We learn a sense of humor
 We learn kindness towards self
 We learn tolerance and forgiveness for ourselves, we
love and let others have that same courtesy
 We can love others as we love ourselves
Develop your identity
Accept self for inner qualities
 Give yourself permission to make mistakes and
learn
 Adopt the principle of being perfectly imperfect
 Challenge yourself to do something scary, face
your fears
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Objectifying our bodies
never gives us joy
Accepting our body
The Myth of the Perfect Body
(nationaleatingdisorders.org)
The average American woman is 5’3.7” and
weighs 152 lbs, and wears a size 14.
 The average model is 5’11” and weighs 117 lbs,
and wears a size 2.
 The average male is 5’9” and weighs 180 lbs.
 Although the ideal figure has become thinner,
the average woman’s figure has become larger.
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Media, Youth, and Body Image
Average teen watches 3 hours of TV/day
 All media combined is 6 hours 32
min/day (Nielsen Media Research)
 68% of Children have TV in bedroom
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(Kaiser Family Foundation, 2003)
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1 hour day watching websites, music,
chat rooms, sending messages (D. Roberts,
2005)
Objectification of Body and Healthy
Sexuality
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Sexualization (defined in APA 2007 report)
 Personal
worth and characteristics are
overlooked in favor of sexual behavior or
physical attraction
 Narrow definition of attractiveness, based on
“thin mentality”
 Person is for others’ benefit, rather than a
person with the independent worth
Relationship Consequences
Girls/women displeased with self makes it
hard for boys/men to find partners
healthy (Schooler & Ward, 2006)
 Men who view pornography see partners
as less attractive, sexual intimacy is not as
enjoyable, show decrease in affection
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(numerous studies, see APA 2007)
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Objectifying people lack of empathy leads
to less stability and satisfaction in
relationships
(numerous studies, APA 2007)
The Bottom Line
“If the image maker and pharmaceutical
companies and fashion designers have their
way, we will always be made to feel that we
don’t fit. Either we don’t fit the clothes, or
we don’t fit the ideal, or we don’t fit the
lifestyle. We just don’t fit, period.”
--Emme, model and author, True Beauty
Stop The Madness
What you can do
Spring to Action
Fighting “Fatism”
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Be aware of how you view beauty
Boycott products that objectify bodies (men and
women)
Look people in the eye instead of comparing
Don’t participate in fat talk
Stop dieting
Get to know others
Reject the thin ideal
Acknowledge that we can’t see on the outside
the beauty someone has on the inside.
Elder Holland
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First of all, I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of
what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of
heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. That surpassing truth
should be fixed deep in your soul and be fundamental to every decision you make as
you grow into mature womanhood. There could never be a greater authentication of
your dignity, your worth, your privileges, and your promise. Your Father in Heaven
knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows
your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what
you can become through faith in Him.
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Be a woman of Christ. All of this is to try to tell you how your Father in Heaven feels
about you and what He has designed for you to become. And if for a time any of you
are less visionary than this or seem bent on living beneath your privilege, then we
express even greater love for you and plead with you to make your teenage years a
triumph, not a tragedy. Fathers and mothers, prophets and apostles have no motive
except to bless your life and to spare you every possible heartache we can spare
you.
Elder Holland
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I plead with you young women to please be more accepting of
yourselves, including your body shape and style, with a little less
longing to look like someone else. We are all different. Some are
tall, and some are short. Some are round, and some are thin. And
almost everyone at some time or other wants to be something they
are not! But as one adviser to teenage girls said: “You can’t live your
life worrying that the world is staring at you. When you let people’s
opinions make you self-conscious you give away your power. …
The key to feeling [confident] is to always listen to your inner self—
[the real you.]”
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As one Hollywood actress is reported to have said recently: “We’ve
become obsessed with beauty and the fountain of youth. … I’m
really saddened by the way women mutilate [themselves] in search
of that. I see women [including young women] … pulling this up and
tucking that back. It’s like a slippery slope. [You can’t get off of it.] …
It’s really insane … what society is doing to women.”
Elder Holland
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In terms of preoccupation with self and a fixation on the
physical, this is more than social insanity; it is spiritually
destructive, and it accounts for much of the unhappiness
women
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One would truly need a great and spacious makeup kit to
compete with beauty as portrayed in media all around
us. Yet at the end of the day there would still be those “in
the attitude of mocking and pointing their fingers” as Lehi
saw, because however much one tries in the world of
glamour and fashion, it will never be glamorous enough.
Accepting Ourselves (Bodies)
Question the media; recognize the
madness!
 Fighting the Diet Downfall
 Accept our Genetics
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Question the Media
Why do you feel compelled to “live up” to
unrealistic standards? (Know your worth)
 Talk back to the TV
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 Weight
Watcher’s commercial (“Diets don’t
work…”)
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Avoid magazines/articles/shows that make
you feel bad about yourself: pay attention
to your feelings!
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1891: don’t look like the
poor unfortunate on the
left who, shorn of her
artificial inflationary
devices & pads must, in
the confines of her
bedroom, through
shame, try to cover her
poor thin frame from the
gaze of her beloved
spouse.
End despair!
Are we obsessed with other’s bodies?
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Media says: “They’re
too thin!”
 Disparages
celebrities
for having eating
disorders one
minute….and then
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Media says:
“You’re too fat!”
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Better not
have an
eating
disorder and
be “too thin,”
but you better
not be too
big, either!
We need to look
at people as
individuals
rather than
having their
weight dictate
our
actions/beliefs.
Impact of Consumption
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In a recent 2008 survey, 88% of women
report trip to the dressing room made
them re-evaluate their bodies
42% would change their waist
23% hips and thighs
10% rear
10% chest
4% arms
Impact of Consumption
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64% of women said shopping for
clothes is bad for self-confidence
80% reported they wanted to lose 30
lbs or more
10% reported they had cried in the
dressing room
39% reported they have purchased
something too small, hoping to lose
weight
Imagine not knowing
your dress size
“There were no standardized sizes for
women’s clothing until the late nineteenth
century. Imagine never being asked your
size.”
Jane Hirschmann & Carol Munter in When women stop hating their bodies
The Diet Industry
Dieting is a BIG business
1970- 10 billion dollars in revenues
 1996- 33 billion dollars in revenues
 2002- 40 billion dollars
 2006- 63 billion dollars
 2008- estimates over 100 billion
 The Diet Industry Targets Girls and
Woman
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Downside of Dieting:
Losing Self-Esteem
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In 2006:
 Only
2% of Women in World call themselves
“beautiful”
 0% - Japan
 6% - Brazil
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86% of women are dissatisfied with their
appearance.
Only 7% of women expressed little concern
with their appearance.
92% of girls want to change 1 aspect of
their appearance
The Price of Dieting
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Diagnosis of eating disorders has
increased significantly in the past 20 years
Onset is between age 13 & 18 years old
One out of every four college aged women
have an eating disorder.
8 of 10 college women have disordered
eating.
Anorexia has the highest mortality rate
(up to 20%) of any psychiatric diagnosis.
Don’t Diet!
No Scales, no measuring cups
 No label reading, no counting calories
 No Good and Bad Foods
 Exercise vs. Movement
 Taste and Enjoy Food
 Honor Hunger/Fullness
 Eat 3 meals per day
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Accept Genetics
Many aspects of your body cannot be
changed
 Do not compare your body with your
friends, family, media images, roommates,
etc.
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 No
two bodies are ever the same
Reality of Weight: Set Point
You have a genetically predetermined setpoint (weight).
 Dieting often causes your set point to raise
 Fighting your body/set point leads to
frustration and often leads to weight gain,
eating disorders
 You need to have normal eating patterns
to maintain your set point
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“HEALTHY WEIGHT”
Weight at which a person’s body
settles as they move towards a
more fulfilling, meaningful
lifestyle
NAME
George W. Bush
Will Smith
Yao Ming
George Clooney
Johnny Depp
Matt LeBlanc
Tom Cruise
Shaquille O’Neil
Arnold Schwarzenegger
BMI WEIGHT STATUS
26.3
Overweight
27
Overweight
27.7
Overweight
29
Overweight
29.8
Overweight
30
Obese
31
Obese
31.6
Obese
33
Obese
BODY MASS INDEX
“Although BMI is a generally convenient
measure, it lacks a theoretical foundation
and may be compromised by ethnic,
cultural or lifestyle differences”
QJM, Association of Physicians in Great Britain, 2000,
Sep;93(9):589-96
CREATING THE EPIDEMIC
Tues. June 16, 1998: Overweight =
BMI > 27.3 for women, > 27.8 for men
Wed. June 17, 1998: Overweight =
BMI > 25
RESULT:
30 million people woke up
overweight on Wednesday !
Size Acceptance
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Focus on the day-to-day decisions to get good, tasty fuel
and fun physical activity, have friends, express yourself.
These are the elements of a good life no matter what a
person's body size. People of all sizes do it and should
be recognized for it.
Notice how people are feeling and the quality of their
lives rather than their weight.
Practice "weight neutrality" - focus on what you would
focus on if weight was not an issue (in the culture, or to
the person), whether you are a therapist, a friend, a
clinician, or family member.
Work to change the discrimination and weight
preoccupation in our culture
THANK YOU
FOR NOT TALKING
ABOUT YOUR DIET
Please be considerate of others.
Please don't obsess about your weight
in this area.
© 1994-2007 Linda Baker and Miriam Berg for the Council on Size & Weight Discrimination, Inc
P. O. Box 305, Mt. Marion, NY 12456. www.cswd.org
Befriending the Body
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A gift from our Heavenly Father
 “He
gave me my eyes that I may see the color of
butterfly wings,
 “He gave me my ears that I may hear the magical
sounds of things…”
 “I thank Him reverently for all His creations of which
I’m a part. Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.”
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What does your body do for you?
 What
are you grateful for?
 How has it helped you?
 Write a letter to your body
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An ESSENTIAL part of our progression
 It
is not our enemy; it’s on our side!
Steps to Developing Self-Esteem
 Accurate
self-awareness
Loving self-acceptance
 Reasonable self-improvement
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Self-esteem- the kind that really countscomes from a relationship with Jesus
Christ and Heavenly Father that is real
and solid and alive. Not a secondhand
relationship of listening to someone else
talk about them, but a firsthand
relationship of talking with them, of
experiencing their love, of being their
hands in serving others.
Chieko Okazaki
Young Women’s Values
 Faith
 Divine
Nature
 Individual Worth
I refer to the humility that comes with inner
strength and peace. This is the humility
that helps us to accept and live with our
own warts without cosmetics to hide them.
It is important to learn to live with our
incorrectable physical and mental defects
without comment and without explanation.
James E. Faust
Steps to Developing Self-Esteem
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Accurate self-awareness
 Loving
self-acceptance
Unbalanced Self-Concept
Balanced Self-Concept
We need to learn to be
dissatisfied enough to
improve but satisfied
enough to be happy.
Attachment Model of Self-Esteem
View of Others
View of Self
+
-
+
Secure
Preoccupied
-
Dismissing
Fearful
Steps to Developing Self-Esteem
 Accurate
self-awareness
 Loving self-acceptance
 Reasonable
self-improvement
“Contentment and progress
contribute to peace.” McKay
contentment
progress
4 Areas of Balance
 Intellectual
 Physical
 Spiritual
 Social
Focus on the Circle of Influence