Transcript SATISFYING RELATIONSHIPS - COMN 2111 @ York University

COMMMUNICATION IN
EVERYDAY LIFE
Romantic Love,“Real Love”And
The Cycle of Relationships
Lecture 21a
KEY EXPECTATION OF A ROMANTIC
RELATIONSHIP
Experience a mysterious and
inexplicable "magic" in one
another's presence.
FALLING IN “LOVE”
SEX-LINKED EROTIC EXPERIENCE -THE
CHEMICAL COCKTAIL.
 EFFORTLESS -TALK IS EASY
 COLLAPSE OF EGO BOUNDARIES
ALWAYS PASSES
 NO EXTENSION OF SELF - NO REACHING
BEYOND GOOD FEELING
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The Language of Romantic
Love
The Phenomena of
 Recognition
• We’ve just met, but I feel like I already know you.
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Timelessness
• Feels like I’ve always known you.
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Reunification
• When I’m with you I feel complete. I’ve found my other half.
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Necessity
• I can’t lie without you.
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H. Hendrix, getting the Love You Want
Romantic Love is an
“emotional brain” Phenomena
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Falling in love
• Emotional brain - fuses image of lover with primary
caretaker
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Intimate love is the ultimate in caretaking
• Illusion of safety and security
• Total absorption
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Instinctual bonding
• The way a mother bonds with infant
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Not the same as mature or “real” love
• That requires consciousness
“REAL” LOVE (COMMITMENT):
SCOTT PECK
THE WILL TO EXTEND ONESELF FOR THE
PURPOSE OF NURTURING ONE’S OWN
OR ANOTHER’S SPIRITUAL GROWTH
 TIES SELF-LOVE WITH LOVE FOR OTHER
 REQUIRES EFFORT - D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.
 ACT OF MINDFULNESS -WILL, CHOICE
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MYTH OF ROMANTIC LOVE
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THERE IS ANOTHER “MEANT FOR YOU” TRUE LOVE
RECOGNITION OF THIS OTHER -YOU “FALL
IN LOVE”
PERFECT MATCH - SATISFY EACH OTHER
FOREVER
FALL OUT OF LOVE - DREADFUL MISTAKE
SEARCH AGAIN
CULTURAL BURDEN
MASS MEDIA AND ROMANCE
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TRADITIONAL FORMULA:
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THE ENCOUNTER: COURTSHIP
THE CONFRONTATION: LOVER’S QUARREL
THE SEDUCTION: SEXUAL- INTELLECTUAL
CONFESSION OF LOVE: AFTER FIGHTING
MARRIAGE: NO DRAMA AFTER THIS
REALITY TV HAS IMPROVED ON THIS SITUATION THROUGH SHOWS LIKE “JESSICA AND NICK” or
DR. PHIL
• WHERE THE DRAMA IS IN THEIR INCOMPETENCE
RE DAILY LIFE SKILLS
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
 1. COMING TOGETHER
5
SUB-STAGES
 2. COMING APART
5
SUB-STAGES
 MAINTAINING
RELATIONSHIPS
COMMMUNICATION IN
EVERYDAY LIFE
Romantic Love,“Real Love”And
The Cycle of Relationships
Lecture 21b
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
 COMING
TOGETHER
 ANSWERING
THE THREE KEY
QUESTIONS
 REDUCING UNCERTAINTY
THE THREE KEY QUESTIONS
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What’s going on?
• The purpose of the talk, are we going to get through this
conversation smoothly?
. Who am I to you and who are you to me in
this situation?
• Particularly noticeable at moments like the first time you meet
someone
• We let others know about the kind of people we are and how they
are (in our eyes)
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What is going to happen next?
• Are we going to do something together (instrumental), or simply
connect in the moment (relational). Discovering what we are
going to do next also shapes our communication in the moment.
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
 COMING
TOGETHER
 1. INITIATING
INVITATIONAL COMMUNICATION: SCAN
EACH OTHER FOR INTEREST - WATCH
RESPONSE
 CONNECT TALK: RITUAL
CONVERSATION STARTERS
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CAUTIOUS VS. CONVENTIONAL - AR
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
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2. EXPERIMENTING
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TRY DIFFERENT TOPICS - CONNECT TALK-LOOKING FOR
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SIMILARITIES - SOMETHING IN COMMON
ANY PERCEIVED RECIPROCITY OF LIKING
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3. INTENSIFYING
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INCREASE RELATIONSHIP DEPTH THRU PERSONAL
KNOWLEDGE - self-disclosure - opening “box 3”
PHYSICAL CLOSENESS
CREATING A PRIVATE CULTURE
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LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
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4. INTEGRATING
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THEY AND OTHERS CONSIDERS THEM A COUPLE
SYMBOLIC ID - RING, OUR SONG, PLACE
VALUE MORE OF SAME THINGS, FOCUS ON SOME PARTS OF
PERSONALITY-MINIMIZE OTHERS
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REINFORCES THE CONSISTENCY PRINCIPLE: The more we communicate with
someone similar to us on the surface, the more similar we become to them in deeper
ways, e.g. in our attitudes towards particular issues.
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WE ARE CREATING AN “US”
CAN LEAD TO A COMMITMENT TO PERMANENCY
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5. BONDING
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FORMAL RITUALS -ENGAGEMENT, MARRIAGE, LIVE TOGETHER
GAIN SOCIAL SUPPORT - ESTABLISH RELATIONSHIP RULES
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LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
 COMING
APART
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1. DIFFERENTIATING
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NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES
TALKING ABOUT COMING APART
COMMMUNICATION IN
EVERYDAY LIFE
Romantic Love,“Real Love”And
The Cycle of Relationships
Lecture 21c
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
 COMING
APART
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1. DIFFERENTIATING
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NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES
TALKING ABOUT COMING APART
COMING APART: REVIEW OF KEY
FACTORS
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UNRESOLVED TENSIONS
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AUTONOMY/CONNECTION
INCOMPLETE SELF
DISCLOSURE
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SHARING OF SPACE VS.DISTANCE TO MAINTAIN INDIVIDUAL
IDENTITY
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NOVELTY/PREDICTABILITY
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BALANCE ROUTINE WITH NEW EXPERIENCES
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OPENNESS/CLOSENESS
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SHARED THOUGHTS
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SHATTERED
EXPECTATIONS
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1. TRUST
2. INTIMACY
3. ACCEPTANCE
4. SUPPORT
5. PRACTICAL ASSISTANCE
AREAS OF SELF: OPEN, HIDDEN,
BLIND, UNKNOWN
PROBLEMATIC FIGHTING
STYLES
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“ VOICES” USED
PARENT, CHILD, ADULT
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TYPE OF TALK
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LIGHT - HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. - ACTIVE VS. PASSIVE
D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E.
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CONFLICT RESOLUTION
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Forcing-Accommodation-AvoidanceCompromise-Collaboration
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
 COMING
APART
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1. DIFFERENTIATING
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NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES
COUPLE “NEEDS SPACE” SO,
 FIGHTING INCREASES
 MORE USE OF MUTUAL HEAVY
C.O.N.T.R.O.L.
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HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L
R.
H
E
0.
A
V
Y
L.
RIGHTEOUS
ANGER
RIGHTEOUS
INDIGNATION
OVERT
AGGRESSION
OVERT
PASSIVE
AGRESSIVE
PUT DOWN
LABEL
MINDREAD
COMMAND
VENT-YELL
DEMAND
THREATEN
CRITICIZE
RIDICULE
USE SARCASM
LIE
INTENSE
COMPLAINT
DISQUALIFY
WORDS
WHINE
PLAY MARTYR
WITHHOLD
DENY
LAY
BLAME
LAY
BLAME
PUT DOWN SELF
GIVE EXCUSES
PROCRASTINATE
THREE KEY QUESTIONS:
RENEGOTIATING THE ANSWERS
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Question number two is key:
Who am I to you and who are you to me in this
situation?
• “You’re not the person I married….I thought I knew?” “What’s
happened to you…” “I thought you liked my cooking, mother,
father, ideas on…..” “When did you start getting interested in ….
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What’s going on?
• “What do you mean…you need your space?”
• “What are we really talking about here?”.
• REMEMBER, HEAVY CONTROL IS ABOUT INTENTION, TRUTH,
BLAME.
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What is going to happen next?
• Are we going on together or not? Are we adjusting, changing,
struggling some more, leaving?”
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
COMING APART
 2. CIRCUMSCRIBING
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REDUCE FREQUENCY- INTIMACY OF COMMUNICATION
“HOT” TOPICS AVOIDED TO REDUCE FIGHTS
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INCREASED FORMALITY
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3. STAGNATING
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“HOLDING ON” FOR OTHER REASONS
RELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED
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THE MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION
CASCADE
Repeated
• Complaining and criticizing leads to
• Contempt, which leads to
• Defensiveness, which leads to
• Listener Withdrawal from
interaction (stonewalling).
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See Gottman in Additional Reading 15
MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE:
Flooding and Contempt
VIDEO EXAMPLE
MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE:
Flooding and Contempt
VIDEO EXAMPLE
LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS
COMING
3.
APART
STAGNATING
“HOLDING
ON” FOR OTHER REASONS
RELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED
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4. AVOIDING
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PHYSICAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL SEPARATION
SEEK SUPPORT FROM FRIENDS/FAMILY
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5. TERMINATING
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LONGER THE RELATIONSHIP MORE PAINFUL
SPECIFIC SEPARATION MESSAGES
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MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS
 PROSOCIAL
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BEHAVIORS
POLITE, CHEERFUL, FRIENDLY; AVOID CRITICISM;
COMPROMISE EVEN WHEN IT INVOLVES SELFSACRIFICE.
TALKING ABOUT A SHARED FUTURE
 CEREMONIAL
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BEHAVIORS
CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS,ANNIVERSARIES
DISCUSSING PAST PLEASURABLE TIMES
EAT AT FAVORITE RESTAURANT
MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS
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“TOGETHERNESS” BEHAVIORS
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DOING THINGS AS A COUPLE, JOINT ACTIVITIES,
CONTROL “EXTERNAL-TO-RELATIONSHIP” ACTIVITIES
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COMMUNICATION BEHAVIORS
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CALL JUST TO SAY, "HOW ARE YOU?"
LISTENING ACTIVELY, USING D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ABOUT SHARED
FEELINGS, ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP.
RESPOND CONSTRUCTIVELY IN A CONFLICT: FAIR FIGHTING
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Four Effective Problem-Solving Skills
in a Long-Term Relationship
1.
Physiological soothing
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2.
3.
Softened start-up
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Descriptive I-Messages
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Open Acknowledgement
Repair and De-escalation
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4.
Basic to all other skills
Calming self
Metacommunication
Accepting influence
Compromise
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Based on common ground
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See Textbook