Transcript Midwest District Presidents March 2004

SAFE HAVEN
Sharon Hart May, Ph.D.
Safe Haven Relationships
Understanding the Impact of
Relationships on Our Lives
Psalm 91

God promises to be our safe place
“Those who go to God Most High for safety
will be protected by the Almighty. I will say
to the Lord, “You are my place of safety &
protection. You are my God and I trust
you.”
“This is my prayer for you: that your love
will grow more and more; that you will
have knowledge & understanding with
your love…” Phil 1:9
“Love your neighbor as you love
yourself. If you go on hurting each other
and tearing each other apart, be careful, or
you will completely destroy each other.”
Gal 5:15
HAVEN OF SAFETY

Importance of Emotional Attachment Bonds
– the connection between two people is an
attachment bond
– we need these bonds in order to grow and thrive
– we were designed by God to live in community
Without Bonds We Wither and
Die…Physically, Emotionally,
Psychologically
Predicts Whether You’ll Be Dead or
Alive 9yrs From Now
Impacts our Healing and Dealing
With Stress
Shapes How we Make Sense of Life
In Our Relationships we:
are born and grow as a person
 learn who we are, how lovable or unlovable
we are
 how trustworthy others are
 how safe the world is
 whether or not we can depend upon others
to be there for us

Relationships Over Our Life

Temperament
+ Genetics
+ Experiences
= Who We Are
Importance Of Your
Attachment Bond In
Marriage
Research * predictor of divorce *
emotional connection
more vip than fighting
 Crucial to your marriage = perceive spouse
to be a haven of safety
Our Bonds are A Safe Place
when:
we know we are loved, valued, accepted
 we know someone will be there to love us,
take care of us, be there

ATTACHMENT BOND
1.
2.
3.
Closeness – physical proximity –
Safe Haven
1. Trust
2. Available emotionally & physically
3. Responsive in considerate manner
Attachment Alarm System
i. Protest ii. Despair iii. Detach
Attachment Styles: Ways of
Being in Relationship
Secure Attachment Bond
2. Insecure Bond = Anxious Preoccupied =
‘you love me, you love me not’
3. Avoidant = uncomfortable with closeness
yet long for it
‘you’ll reject me so I’ll be self-sufficient’
4. Fearful Avoidant = ‘fear without solution’
‘come close, come close, get away’
1.
Ways We Respond When We
Feel Our Loved One Is Not
There
1. Secure, Safe, Assured
2. Unsure, Anxious, Pre-occupied
3. Avoidant, Non-dependent
4. Fearful, confused, hyper-vigilant
“I Know You Will Listen and
Care for Me and Consider Who I
Am Along With Your Own
Perspective. You Know Me, and
You Love Me. I Feel Safe
Sharing Who I Am With You.
You Will Be There for Me If I
Reach for You. And I’ll Be There
for You.”
But “Yesterday’s Feelings Color
Today’s Experiences.
Be Aware of the Filters of Past
Experience Through Which You
View Current Experiences.
Be Aware of Where You Go to
Feel Validated and Loved.”
“I pray that Christ will live in
your hearts by faith and that your
life will be strong in love and be
built on love”
Ephesians 3:17
THE END
WHAT IS AT THE HEART OF
EVERY ARGUMENT?
Dr. Sharon Hart May
When Your Safe Haven Doesn’t
Feel So Safe
Something happens – event triggers
dragon 1. You are not emotionally available
2. You do not respond to me in a
considerate & caring manner
3. I want what I want & I want it
now (selfish desires)
Attachment System Alarms
Sound Off
“Danger, danger, he/she is not your safe haven
get him/her to see your perspective”

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Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
Withdrawal
Harsh Start up + Failed Repair Attempts
NEURO-BIOLOGY OF FIGHTS
Senses take in information
Thalamus (receives, disperses)
Neocortex (evaluates, reasons)
Limbic system (emotions)
Amygdala (responds quickly-fear, anger)
Responds by priming body for action
Fight-Flee-Freeze-Please
Sense other is not available, responsive
 Issues are triggered, dragons raise their
heads
 Strong emotions fuel rigid cycles
 Negative sentiment over-ride + failed repair
attempts + strong emotional response
 Emotionally disconnect = not so safe

Be Wise: Is it your fears &
dragons that need to be dealt with
so you can love freely – or is this
person not your Adam/Eve?
Marriage is hard work – but is
this the right person for you to
commit to for a lifetime?
Woman – Pursuers
feels that if they don’t pursue, talk louder,
they will not be seen/heard
 “I nag because I feel he won’t listen to me.
He’s just emotionally flat”
 feels out of control, unlovable, rejection,
abandonment, lonely

Pursue – Withdraw Cycle

She comes over to his house and boyfriend
is watching game with buddies – she
thought they were going out. She ups the
anti – he shuts down and withdraws
Man – Withdraws
Overwhelmed by pursuer’s emotion
 Feels helpless, not good enough, devalued,
disrespected, inadequate
 Physiologically reduce by getting away
from anxiety, shut down

CYCLE SET IN MOTION

Something Happens and It Means “You Are
Not There For Me”
– don’t mean to
– let you down in the past
– triggers familiar past hurt when parent/friend
was not there for you
– differences in personality, life style seems to
mean they don’t care for you
» He didn’t bring flowers, only took you to dinner
Cycle Is Triggered - Get Stuck

Fighting is not always bad
– If you are able to emotionally connect
– Still feel loved, valued and respected
Impact Of Your Cycle On Your
Relationship

When pursuing or withdrawing – don’t have
emotional space to be there.
– “My boyfriend does not understand me. They
don’t care how I feel.”
– “There’s no way my girlfriend would
understand me. I learned not to put my heart
out there. Risking that would mean I’d be hurt
again.”

No longer turn toward each other for
comfort, support.
Breaking The Cycle
What is your cycle? What happens when you
and you & date fight/argue?
What is your part in the cycle?
Who pursues?
Who withdraws?
Understand what triggers your cycle
Withdrawers: Understand
what you are feeling – share
your heart emotions rather than
shutting down & withdrawing,
Risk to Stick With It
 Pursuers: Learn to ‘Soften’
Remember that underneath your
strong reaction is a heart longing
to be heard, understood, loved
BOTH = Learn to Talk With
Your Hearts, Not Your Dragons.
- Share Your Heart Needs and Longings
- Emotions (Emotional Literacy)
Be Able to Name,
Understand,
Regulate Them
- Keep Them in
- Explode
- Wear Them on Your Sleeve
- Slow Down, Understand Them,
Express Them in a Way That Draws
(You And) Your Date in !
Listen To Each Other’s Hearts
Talk From Your Heart
Identify the emotion under the statement
 Listen to it
 Look beyond and look at your partner’s
heart
 Respond to the heart

Healing Past Attachment
Injuries
“You Were Not There for Me
When I Needed You”
“You Abandoned, Betrayed Me,
Now I Won’t Risk to Trust You
With My Heart”
Emotionally reconnect
 Risk to be vulnerable again
 Offer understanding, caring, this time ‘be
there’
 Forgive

Understand Each Other’s
Perspective & Pain
(Not Defending, Blaming
Criticizing)
Creating Connections
1.
2.
3.
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Give your partner your full attention
Listen with your heart, not your “to do list”
“sensible list” “critical thing list”
When you want to be defensive….It means you
need to understand partner more
So ask him/her to share: “tell me more about
what you are thinking”
Then: listen until you understand (you may not
necessarily agree)
Pray for a Softer, More Genuine Heart
“This is my prayer for you: that your love
will grow more and more; that you will
have knowledge & understanding with
your love…” Phil 1:9
“Love your neighbor as you love
yourself. If you go on hurting each other
and tearing each other apart, be careful, or
you will completely destroy each other.”
Gal 5:15