Transcript Creating Close Connections ICA Pre

Having close connections is vital to every
aspect of our health – mental,
emotional, and physical.
 Hawkley – U. of Chicago
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Calculates that loneliness raises blood pressure to
the point where the risk of heart attack and
stroke is doubled.
House – U. of Michigan
› Emotional isolation is more dangerous health
risk than smoking or high blood pressure.
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Case Western Reserve U.
› Men with a history of angina and high blood
pressure
› Those who reported “no” to the question
“does your wife show her love” suffered
twice as many angina episodes during a five
year period.
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Women who have had a heart attack
stand a threefold higher risk of having
another if there was discord in their
marriage.
Patients with congestive heart failure –
the state of their marriage is as good a
predictor of survival after four yeas as the
severity of the symptoms.
 Conflict with and hostile criticism from
loved ones increase our self-doubts and
create a sense of helplessness
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› These are classic triggers for depression
› We live in a epidemic of anxiety and
depression
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The California Divorce Mediation Project
reported that the most common reason
given for divorcing given by close to 80%
of all men and women was gradually
growing apart and losing a sense of
closeness, and not feeling loved and
appreciated.
› Severe and intense fighting were endorsed
by only 40% of the couples.
Hundreds of studies now show that
positive loving connections with others
protect us from stress and help us cope
better with life’s challenges and traumas.
 Simply holding the hand of a loving
partner can affect us profoundly
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› Research has found that this act literally
calms jittery neurons in the brain.
People we love are “hidden regulators”
of our bodily processes and our
emotional lives.
 In 1939, women ranked love fifth as a
factor in choosing a mate
 By the 1990s, it topped the list for both
women and men.
 College students now say that their key
expectation from marriage is “emotional
security.”
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High levels of conflict in a marriage often
precipitate behavioral and emotional
problems in children (depression).
 Emotional distancing between parents
also frequently leads to distancing from
the kids.
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› This is especially true of fathers and their
children
› When men withdraw from their wives, they
also often become unavailable to their
children.
When we feel securely attached to our
partner, we tend to find it easier to be
good parents.
 Kids learn positive ways to deal with their
emotions and connect with others.
 Securely attached children are happier,
more socially competent, and more
resilient in the face of stress.
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Moms who are anxious and insecure
about closeness, if they are married to
responsive men who provide them with a
safe connection, are able to be positive
and loving with their kids.
 When we love each other well, we help
each other parent well.
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The idea that one of the best things you
can do for your child is to create a loving
relationship with your partner is not
sentimental, it’s a scientific fact.
 When we love our partner well, we offer
a blueprint for a loving relationship to our
children and their future partners.
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Gottman’s research on patterns that
predicts later divorcing:
1. An affectlessness, the relationship
appears to be emotionally dead. There
is no joy, no affection, no humor. They
are unresponsive to one another.
2. People are like passing ships in the night.
They miss each other, no connecting
affectively. No passion. They are
emotionally unavailable.
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3. They do not seem like close friends.
4. There is a lot of tension. There are low
levels of negative affect, but they do not
escalate.
5. They keep saying everything is okay, but
they appear to not feel entitled to their
complaints about the relationship
6. There is little attempt on the part of
either person to soothe the other.
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No Connection
› Lack of emotion
› Unresponsive
› Emotionally
unavailable
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Connection
› Emotion is key
› Are responsive to
one another
› Are emotionally
available to one
another
Building blocks of a secure bond.
 Partner can be physically present but
emotionally absent.
 Emotional engagement and the trust
that this engagement will be there when
needed is crucial.
 When there is no engagement, no
emotional responsiveness, the message
reads “you don’t matter to me.”
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Emotion is central to individuals being
accessible and ‘emotionally’ responsive
to one another
› Any response, even anger, is better than
none.
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It is in our closest relationships where our
strongest emotions arise and where they
seem to have most impact
Emotion tells us and communicates to
others what our motivations and needs
are
 They can be seen as the ‘music’ to the
relationship dance
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This means staying open to your partner
even when you have doubts and feel
insecure.
 It often means being willing to struggle to
make sense of your emotions so these
emotions are not so overwhelming
 You can then step back from
disconnection and can tune in to your
lover’s attachment cues.
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This means tuning into your partner and
showing that his or her emotions have an
impact on you.
 It means accepting and placing a priority
on the emotional signals your partner
conveys and sending clear signals of
comfort and caring when your partner
needs them.
 Sensitive responsiveness always touches us
emotionally and calms us on a physical
level.
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The dictionary defines engaged as being
absorbed, attracted, pulled, captivated,
pledged, involved.
 Emotional engagement means the very
special kinds of attention that we give
only to a loved one.
 We gaze at them longer, touch them
more.
 Often we talk of this as being
“emotionally present.”
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In these moments of safe attunement
and connection
› Both partners can hear each other’s
attachment cry and respond with soothing
care,
› Forging a new bond that can withstand
differences, wounds, and the test of time.
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Often found in small moments of time
› Its in these moments of safe connection that
change everything
› They provide a reassuring answer to the
question “are you there for me”
› Once partners know how to speak to their
need and bring each other close, every trial
they face together simply makes their love
stronger.
These moments of connections create
new patterns in the relationship – a new
dance
 If you know your loved one is there and
will come when you call, you are more
confident of your worth and your value.
 The world is less intimidating when you
have another to count on and you know
that you are not alone.
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Vulnerability  Compassion
› One becomes vulnerable and the other
responds with compassion.
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Vulnerability  Vulnerability
› One becomes vulnerable and the other
responds with becoming vulnerable as well.