Transcript Who’s Driving the Bus? Have you noticed how often our reaction to anxiety drives the bus of our lives?

Who’s Driving the Bus?
Have you noticed how often our reaction
to anxiety drives the bus of our lives?
There are two kinds of anxiety: acute & chronic.
They differ in both intensity and duration.
Most of us can adapt to the challenges of acute
anxiety. We feel it in actual threatening
situations. Acute anxiety has a time-limited
quality to it. Our automatic responses like
fight/flight are designed to deal with the
immediate, real situation and then eventually
we get on with life.
Chronic anxiety is any sense of threat we have
that is perceived, imagined or interpreted. Our
anxiety is below the surface and so normally we
are unaware of it. Over time we develop a
heightened sensitivity to potential threat. We
are threatened by the behavior and actions of
others.
There is a threat to the loss of self - of
who we are – our individuality. There
is the threat of being dominated –
being taken advantage of – of being
hurt, or rejected, or overlooked – not
appreciated or not included, not
heard, or maybe abandoned.
When Anxiety rises we become
predictable.
We react and quit thinking.
We get stupid!
Who’s Driving the Bus?
We develop typical patterns of dealing with
our anxiety when it emerges.
We develop typical ways of dealing with
our anxiety and we use our preferred
methods consistently. As a result, we
repeat the same mistakes over and over
again. Though we feel “safer” in the short
term, long term we develop less than ideal
relationships, we lose intimacy, and we
lose opportunities for leadership and
advancement.
Ultimately our patterns of chronic
anxiety set our default future.
Unless something changes we will
end our lives with the same issues
that we have now.
Fight
Flight
Caretake
Freeze
We become more concerned with how other
people are behaving toward us than we do
with how we are behaving toward them.
Anxiety
always
shows up
in a
physical
form.
How does anxiety show up in you?
Who’s Driving the Bus?
Typically when anxiety emerges we try
everything in our power to make the anxiety to
away.
Take Responsibility for Your Own Life.
The only person you can change is you.
• Chronic Anxiety – (A perceived
sense of threat)
• Anxiety Relief – (Fight, Flight,
Freeze, or Caretake)
• Repeated Patterns of Behavior (5
Typical Ways.)
• A Trail of “Less Than” Relationships.
• Loss of Confidence, Self,
Opportunity, & Satisfaction.
• A Future Determined by Default
• Are you o.k. with that?
Five Typical Ways People Deal With
Anxiety.
Conflict
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Become critical of others.
Blame & accuse others for perceived issues.
People insist that their way is the only way.
Focus more on others than self.
Behave abusively.
Argue, debate, and fight.
Verbally attack.
Distancing
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Excessive periods of non-communication
Workaholism
Excessive time with hobbies
A tendency to get quiet when anxiety arises
Talk that stays shallow – with nothing of personal
importance
• An inability to relate to some people in one’s
immediate or original family
Cutoff is a distance posture
carried to the extreme,
resulting in a
nonfunctioning relationship
Overfunctioning
• Advice-giving
• Doings things for others that they could do for
themselves
• Worrying about other people.
• Feeling responsible for others, knowing what is
best for them.
• Talking more than listening
• Having goals for others that they don’t have for
themselves.
• Experiencing periods of sudden “burnout”
Underfunctioning
• Asking for advice rather than thinking things
through independently
• Getting others to help when help really isn’t
needed
• Acting irresponsibly
• Listening more than talking
• Letting others think for you
• Floating with no goals most of the time
• Setting goals but not following through with them
• Becoming mentally or physically ill frequently
• Tending to become addicted to substances
“Don’t just do something – stand
there!”
What’s your preferred style?
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With your spouse?
With your children?
When you’re in a position of leadership?
When you’re not the one in charge?
With your friends?
With your co-workers?
With your siblings & parents?
When you’re pushed into a corner?
Buttons – Vows - Lies
“Our default future consists of our expectations,
fears, hopes, and predictions, all of which are
ultimately based on our experience in the
past. Incidents from our past live on as
prediction, giving us our default future.”
The Three Laws of Performance
by Steve Zaffron & Dave Logan.
We develop a defensive routine to protect
ourselves from being hurt again.
We react when our buttons get pushed.
What is the threat?
What are you afraid of?
All of us have key moments from our past
that continue to impact our lives today.
What vows have you made?
Reflect on your childhood – your
family of origin. Is there:
A vow about being hurt?
A vow about being dominated?
What lies do you believe about
yourself?
Is there a lie about your significance or
importance?
Is there a lie about your capability?
What is the Truth?
We must work to identify - to bring
into out awareness - to bring into
the light - the unsaid.
This process of self-awareness is
hard work. It takes a lot of
courage. It is a process that
takes time.
What is Possible?
There are very few things that I
can’t choose to change.
Anxiety is contagious – but so it
calmness.
Become Self-Regulated
• Take responsibility for your own life. Don’t blame
others or take a victim mentality.
• The only person you can change is you. Face
yourself.
• Recognize & manage your anxiety. Take
responsibility for identifying your feelings &
processing them.
• Manage your emotions. Avoidance is a way we
minimize anxiety and choose to not take
responsibility.
• Learn to calm yourself and become a less anxious
presence.
Ask yourself:
“What is my role in keeping this
problem in place?”
“How can I change my role?
Manage Reactivity
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Stop
Think – Be self-aware.
Calm yourself – Manage your own anxiety.
Listen to understand.
Clarify your thoughts & your values.
Stay connected. Stay in the conversation.
Say what is “so” for you.