Transcript Congregations as Emotional Systems “By far most of the difficulties leaders experience is in relationships.” “If they learn to ‘think systems’ leaders don’t need.

Congregations as Emotional
Systems
“By far most of the difficulties leaders experience is
in relationships.” “If they learn to ‘think systems’
leaders don’t need typical classes or books on how
to be a good leader. Family systems theory points
the way, and if they take it seriously, applying it in
their lives, they automatically become better and
better leaders, on a continuing basis, the rest of
their lives.” Roberta Gilbert Extraordinary
Leadership page 5
“This is not saying that applying the ideas is easy.
The human changes only slowly and with much
kicking and screaming. That is why it takes time,
effort, teaching, reading, & coaching.” “Learn
theory, learn theory, learn theory – if you learn
theory you can use it. If you don’t you can’t.”
(Gilbert page 5)
Individual Model/Thinking:
• There is little sense of people’s
interconnectedness or of how one’s
own behavior can affect that of others.
People are seen as acting on their own
as if they were in vacuum.
• We see particular individuals as “the
problem.”
• We never include ourselves when
thinking of “the problem.”
• The problem is out there not in here.
• We blame others, diagnose, and
question motives and intentions.
• We personalize everything – we take
things personally and we make things
personal.
• It’s this focus on others as problem
people that is the real problem
Systems Model/Thinking:
• We recognize the connections between
people.
• No one lives or acts in isolation.
• We are all affected by each other’s
behavior. It is an emotional system.
• Each person both influences and is
influenced by everyone else.
• “Every change – changes everything.”
• “The past is always present.”
• Each of us lives in multiple systems. (family,
work, church, community, denomination,
etc.)
The emotional system is one of the most powerful
forces in any church or in any group of human
beings. The health of the emotional system
determines how well the other systems work.
It is essential that leaders in a church be
aware of how the emotional system
operates in their own congregation. They
need to be aware of the part they play in
the emotional system and how they can
become a more constructive force for
improving the emotional life of the church.
What does it mean to say the
congregation/family is an emotional
unit?
• Whatever affects one affects each one in the
systems. That is, anxiety moves easily form
person to person in a group.
• Family members trade “self” into the family
relationship togetherness in a family “fusion” of
selves. (The Eight Concepts – Gilbert – page 6)
Most leadership difficulties come
about as a result of the way the
leader interacts with others.”
(Gilbert p. 174)
“Pastors have been ill prepared for
their encounter with the emotional
side of the congregation.” (Gilbert
p. 178)
There will always be times of imbalance in the
church’s emotional system, times when there are
conflicts and problems in the church that challenge
the leadership.
When the emotional system becomes unbalanced,
the response of leaders is crucial to how things
turn out in the end. If the leaders think in
individualistic terms rather than in systems terms,
they are likely to respond to attacks as though they
personally were being attacked, rather than seeing
the attack as part of an imbalance in the system.
1. Take responsibility for yourself.
2. Be thoughtful and rational in the midst
of anxiety. Think rather than react
emotionally. When our anxiety rises we
quit thinking and then make poor
decisions.
3. Become a calm observer of the system and what
is actually going on. “Observation requires
stepping outside of our own subjective responses
to what we ‘feel’ is happening, and learning to
watch what is actually going on: who is doing
what, when, where, and how. Many of us spend a
good deal of our time living in a kind of fantasy
about what is going on around us. We observe a
few things that happen ‘out there’, fail to see or
even ignore other things, and create a story for
ourselves explaining what it is all about.
The individual model of human behavior
leads us to speculate about other people’s
motives.
We are focused on how things impact us
and whether we feel good or bad. Then we
react to what we imagine they are doing to
us and then they react to us in the same
way.
We tend to personalize other people’s
behaviors. We think the behavior is about
us. We get stuck in believing that it’s
always about us.
We must also learn to become good
observers of ourselves. What is going on in
me and how am I behaving?
4. Learn to manage yourself. Become
self-regulated. Manage your own anxiety
and reactivity.
5. One way to become healthier is to go
back to your family of origin.
Anxiety is what unbalances the
system.
Chronic anxiety is any sense of threat we have
that is perceived, imagined or interpreted. Our
anxiety is below the surface and so normally we
are unaware of it. Over time we develop a
heightened sensitivity to potential threat. We
are threatened by the behavior and actions of
others. There is a threat to the loss of self - of
who we are – our individuality. There is the
threat of being dominated – being taken
advantage of – of being hurt, or rejected, or
overlooked – not appreciated or not included.
We become more concerned with how
other people are behaving toward us than
we do with how we are behaving toward
them. We question motives – we blame –
we criticize. We get consumed with anger
and resentment
We develop typical ways of dealing with our
anxiety and we use our preferred methods
consistently. As a result, we repeat the same
mistakes over and over again. Though we feel
“safer” in the short term, long term we develop
less than ideal relationships, we lose intimacy, and
we lose opportunities for leadership and
advancement. Ultimately our patterns of chronic
anxiety set our default future. Unless something
changes we will end our lives with the same issues
that we have now.
“The job of effective church leaders is to
help keep down the level of anxiety in the
emotional system of the congregation.”
Creating a Healthier Church – (page 51)
Ronald Richardson
1. Manage your own anxiety. Bring your
own calmness to the situation.
2. Stay in meaningful contact with other
key people involved in the situation.
Stay calm & stay connected.
Typical Ways People Deal With
Anxiety
Self-Differentiation
Self-Differentiation deals with the effort to
define oneself, to control oneself, to become
a more responsible person, and to permit
others to be themselves as well.
Differentiation is the ability to remain
connected in relationship to significant
people in our lives and yet not have our
reactions and behavior determined by them.
We are connected but emotionally separate.
There is a difference between telling people
what I think and telling them what they
should think. Defining self means that we
consistently and calmly tell others what we
think, believe, and value without demanding
that they think, believe, or value the same
things.
“One simple way of defining differentiation is as
an ability to be closely connected with just
about anyone we choose and still be a self, still
maintain a sense of one’s own functional
autonomy within the close relationship. It is the
ability to be close to an emotionally important
other while neither being dependent on gaining
the other’s acceptance and approval nor fearing
the other’s disapproval, rejection, or criticism of
how we are.
It is also being comfortable with the differences
in the other person, particularly in times of
higher anxiety, and not letting those differences
cause emotional distance on our part. It means
not needing to change the other to meet our
expectations, or change ourselves to meet the
other’s, in order to be close.” Ronald Richardson
Becoming a Healthier Pastor page 56
• Most people remain at the level of
differentiation attained by the time they left
home.
• We are likely to marry a person whose degree
of emotional maturity matches our own.
• Take responsibility for yourself. The only
person you can change is you
Two Basic Life Forces
Individuality
Togetherness
“An essential part of connectedness, is
individuality.”
Richardson page 61
Jesus – Luke 2:41-51
As anxiety rises in our lives there is
greater pressure for togetherness.
We are pressured to fit in and be the
same as everyone else in the group.
“During times of higher anxiety, the less
mature people in the church seek to
promote sameness and conformity as the
way to achieve unity and togetherness in
the community.”
Creating a Healthier Church
Ronald Richardson page 63
“More mature individuals who have a stronger
sense of their own self or their individuality,
experience mature togetherness as attraction
to, interest in, and curiosity about others,
especially about getting to know others’
differences. In this form of unity, there is
greater comfort with diversity, variety, and
uniqueness.”
Creating a Healthier Church
Ronald Richardson page 63
Two Extremes in Behavior
One Extreme:
Pressure to conform in order to stay together:
I give up some of myself in order to keep the
peace. I discount my own feelings and beliefs,
I give in too easily, & I give up leadership and
ultimately choose peace over progress. I’m
emotionally needy and demanding
A Second Extreme:
In order to feel secure and maintain my
individuality – I demand compliance, I bully.
I’m willing to give up community in order to
get my way. Disagreement is seen as
disloyalty. I end up arguing and debating.
Fusion
Individuality
Self-Defined
• Clear self-boundaries. – This is who I am – this
is where I stand – this is what I will do and this
is what I won’t do. I take responsibility for my
own ideas and decisions. I can say no and set
limits. I don’t demand that others conform to
my way of thinking. Don’t take responsibility
for the feelings or decisions of others. Don’t try
to control others.
• Clear thinking, inner guidance system. Beliefs,
values, life goals, purpose & priorities. Well
thought through principles.
Self-Regulated
• I take responsibility for myself – I don’t blame and I
don’t take on a victim mentality. The only person I
can change is me – and I can change me.
• I become less emotionally reactive. I face myself. I
am self aware. I know what my buttons are and why
they are my buttons. I am a calm & less anxious
presence. I learn calming practices. When
emotions/anxiety rises we quit thinking & listening.
• Learn to think systems and watch process. The
observing, thinking, leader becomes curious,
engaged, and open to new learning. What counts is
the leader’s presence and being.
Self-Expressed
• I give myself permission to be me. I am
comfortable in my own skin.
• I learn to say what “is so” for me. Speak
the truth – calmly – and in love.
Self-Confident
• I like who I am
• I care less & less about what others think
of me.
• I’m able to take a stand at the risk of
displeasing.
• I denounce the lies I’ve believed about
myself
Keys In Coaching
1. Calm Anxiety
• The coach must be calm. Become an observer
and develop a strong curiosity.
• Ask individuals to speak only to the coach.
• Guide the process so that individuals think
and manage themselves. Bring logic and
theory to the conversation.
• The more a person thinks, the more he or she
is able to think.
2. Connecting with the emotional
system
•
•
•
•
Remain emotionally neutral.
Don’t imply blame.
Don’t take sides.
Ask questions so that the person is able to
clarify his or her thinking.
• Give up having to have the answers.
• Have confidence that people have the ability
to figure things out and work toward
resolution on their own.
3. Observe the systems.
• Just watch.
• “Observing, with its wonderful ability to calm
the emotional centers of the brain, actually
produces relaxation, objectivity, and a quick
way to get to constructive thinking.”
4. The coach manages self.
• “It is paradoxical that people who need help,
get more assistance from someone who can
refrain from helping, staying out of their
emotional field, emotionally, yet connect with
it intellectually.
• Observing is part of managing self.
• Continue to think.
• Calm is catching, as is anxiety, though it
happens slower.
5. Define yourself through the lens of
theory.
• Define through the lens of theory how you see
the situation.
• Use teaching moments to present the theory.
• The faster people learn theory, the more they
can use it.
The longer a person works with and
thinks systems the better he or she
becomes at it.
• Continue to get training and exposure to these
principles.
• Continue to practice the principles in your
own life.
Blessed are the Peacemakers
Basic Self & Pseudo-Self
The Eight Concepts of Bowen
Theory
1. The Nuclear Family Emotional
System
• The family is an emotional unit.
• Whatever affects one affects each one in the
system. That is, anxiety moves easily from
person to person in the group.
• Family members trade “self” into the family
relationship togetherness in a family “fusion”
of selves.
2. The Differentiation of Self Scale
• The goal is to differentiate self from one’s
emotional system.
• The degree of individuality each has depends
on how fused we were/are in our family
relationships.
3. Triangles
• When two people become anxious, they
triangle in a third.
• In an emotionally intense situation it is useful
to ask “where is the triangle?”
• Stay calm, stay thoughtful, stay connected,
and stay neutral.
• Say what is “so” for you directly to the other
person involved.
4. Cutoff
• Cutoff is a “process of separation, isolation,
withdrawal, running away, or deny the
importance of the parental family.”
• “Cutoff is one of the ways people attempt to
resolve the relationship tension that results
from that unresolved attachment (fusion or
undifferentiation) and the anxiety it
engenders. Fusions do not feel comfortable,
so people have a tendency to want to get
away from them, to cut off.”
5. Family Projection Process
• “If one worries excessively about one’s child
(or reacts to an overload of anxiety by neglect,
or over-focuses in an over-positive manner)
one transmits – or projects – that anxiety
directly onto the child.”
• “The more a child is on the receiving end of a
worried, over- positive focus (or around a
parent so anxious as to be neglectful) the
greater the anxiety transmitted, and thus the
fusion of selves with the parent(s).
6. Multigenerational Transmission
Process
• “If we follow the most impaired child through
successive generations, we will see one line of
descent producing lower and lower levels of
differentiation.”
• “The effort to understand one’s heritage as
fully as possible is one of the most beneficial
efforts it is possible to make for self.”
7. Sibling Position
• “All things being equal, people show certain
characteristics, depending on where they landed
in the their family constellations, according to the
mix of rank and genders there.”
• “The different positions make it quite clear that
no two children experience the family in the
same way.”
• Each position is so different from any other that it
is as if no two children have the same family.
• More fused families will be more affected by
sibling position characteristics. Less fused
families, less so.
8. Emotional Process in Society
• Regressive society or societal regression.
• Regressions to a lower level of functioning.
• “Society is more or less anxious, orderly and
organized at different times in history. In these
times of societal regression, there is more
anxiety in all people, firing chaos and
irresponsible behavior.”
• Less emotional maturity and less ability to
relate well with others.
Five Characteristics of a Regressive
Society.
1. Reactivity: intense reactions to
events and to each other
Reactivity
– We diagnose and label
– We take things personally
– We take ourselves too seriously and lose
our playfulness
– Reasonable dialogue becomes a waste of
time
– We go from crisis to crisis just putting out
fires. We lose imagination & vision.
2. Herding: Forces for
togetherness overpower forces
for individuality and we adapt to
the least mature members.
Herding
– Feelings are more important than
ideas. We choose peace over progress
– Dissent is discouraged
– Comfort is preferred over adventure
– Either/or – black/white – all or
nothing thinking takes over
– Leaders become indecisive
3. Blaming: We take a victim
mentality rather than taking
responsibility for self.
Blaming
– We find fault with others
– We focus on weaknesses rather than
strengths
– We have an obsession with “Monday
morning quarterbacking” criticizing and
second guessing
– Litigiousness
– We change leaders or change our
leadership location frequently
4. A Quick Fix Mentality: we
seek symptom relief rather
than substantive change.
A Quick Fix
– We are impatient
– We have a low threshold for pain
– We want easy answers and certainty
– We give in easily to the demands of
others including our children
– We avoid struggle of any kind and
aren’t challenged to grow
“Raising our own threshold for
the pain another is experiencing
can often motivate the other to
take responsibility for his or her
life.”
5. A Lack of WellDifferentiated Leadership:
Leaders have a failure of
nerve
A Lack of Well-Differentiated
Leadership
•
•
•
•
•
We are anxious and feeling driven
We become peacekeepers
We’re reluctant to take a stand
We need the approval of others.
We lack any ability to adequately face
and deal with sabotage
The Helping Professions Role
•
•
•
•
Permissiveness in childrearing
The pleasure principle
The sexual revolution
Blaming parents
The Eight Concepts by Roberta Gilbert
Stop the Regression
• Connect with your generations,
eradicating any personal cutoffs.
• Educate yourself about the facts in
societal regression.
• Become clear about your guiding
principles, being guided by them instead
of political correctness or groupthink.
• Take a stand , after careful
consideration.
The Eight Concepts by Roberta Gilbert
Stop the Regression
• Clearly define a self in your family. This
is who I am and this is what I think &
believe.
• Become a principle-guided parent,
rather than projecting a worried focus.
One person can make a huge difference!
The Eight Concepts by Roberta Gilbert