Transcript Anger Management

Karen Aerts
Barry Morris
Steve Cottrell
Lynda Beaton
October 2012
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Aims
 The course has two main aims
To reduce the suffering associated with anger and its effects
To help prevent violence or the threat of violence
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We will learn to …
 Manage angry impulses
 Calm ourselves in stressful situations
 Reduce our vulnerability to stress
 Regulate our emotions
 Communicate our emotions more effectively
4
We will be learning
• Mindful breathing
• Self-calming skills
• To reduce our vulnerability to stress
• To ‘surf’ our feelings
• Grounding skills
• Feeling-action statements
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Contents - session 1
 Introduction
 Groundrules
 What is anger?
 The aggression cycle
 Anger – 4 facts
 Triggers and cues
 The mood meter
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Groundrules
 Safety – violence or threats of violence will result in
discharge from the group
 Confidentiality – group members will not discuss
outside of the group what other members say
 What other groundrules do people want
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What is Anger?
 Anger is an emotion that can range from mild
irritation to intense fury
 Aggression is behaviour meant to cause harm to
another person or damage to property
 Hostility is a set of attitudes that drive aggressive
behaviour
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The Aggression Cycle
Explosion Phase
Physical and verbal aggression
Release of tension
Destructiveness
Escalation Phase
Playing down outbursts
Increased hostility and
intimidation
More frequent & intense
anger
Escalation
Violence
Post-explosion Phase
Guilt, shame
Relief
Recriminations
Punishment
Apology, repair & promises
Explosion
Post-explosion
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Four Facts – 1
1 Anger is not inherited
 People are not born with set ways of expressing
anger (different emotional reactivity though)
 The expression of anger is largely learned, so
better ways of expressing anger can be learned
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Four Facts – 2
2 Anger does not automatically lead to aggression
Anger management involves ...
 Learning assertiveness skills
 Changing negative self-talk
 Challenging beliefs
 A range of strategies & skills
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Four Facts – 3
3 You needn’t be aggressive to get what you want
 When we are assertive we express anger in a way
that is respectful of other people
 We don’t blame or threaten other people
 Being assertive doesn’t mean putting up with
things
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Four Facts – 4
4 Venting anger can be unhelpful
 Venting anger can reinforce aggressive behaviour
 People who vent their anger may just get better at
expressing anger
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Anger Cues - Behaviour
What can we see that lets us know someone’s angry?
 Clenched fists
 Raised voice
 Staring
What else
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Anger Cues - Emotions
What emotions can lead to anger?
 Fear
 Hurt
 Jealousy
 Feeling disrespected
What else might we feel that can lead to anger
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Anger Cues – Physical Sensations
What might we feel when we are becoming angry?
 Increased heart rate
 Tightness in the chest
 Feeling hot or flushed
What else might we feel that lets us know we’re angry
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Anger Cues - Thoughts
What do we think about when we’re angry?
 Negative self-talk – ‘they think they’re better than
me, I’ll show them’
 Images of aggressive acts or revenge fantasies
What else do we think about when we’re angry
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Red Flags
What are some of the events and situations that can
trigger anger for you?
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Things That Can Make Us Angry
1 of 2
 Queues
 Selfish driving
 Being ignored
 Crowds
 Jealousy
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Things That Can Make Us Angry
2 of 2
 Being falsely accused of something
 Having to clean up somebody else’s mess
 Rumours being spread about you
 Witnessing crime, cruelty or bullying
 Being lied to
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The ‘Mood Meter’
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Loss of control
Adverse consequences
You lose!
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8
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6
5
4
Distress tolerance and
emotion regulation skills
3
2
1
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Contents Session 2
 Stress vulnerability
 Building resilience – five ways to wellbeing
 ‘Raising the bar’
 Surfing emotions
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Stress Addition
1 of 2
A stressful event has happened, resulting in a peak of
stress at time ‘A’. Stress then slowly reduces over
time to a low level at time ‘B’
Stress
Time ‘A’
Time ‘B’
Time
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Stress Addition
2 of 2
Another three stressful events occur resulting in
three more peaks of stress. Our average level of
stress has gone up significantly and we don’t have a
chance to ‘wind down’ before another stressful
event comes along
Stress
Time
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Stress Vulnerability
Time ‘A’
Event ‘Z’
Stress
Event ‘X’
Event ‘Y’
Improved stress tolerance
Stress tolerance
Ambient stress
Time ‘B’
Time ‘C’
Time ‘D’
Time
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Key Skills
1. Emotion surfing
1
2. Reducing stress vulnerability
3. Mindful breathing
4. Self-calming
5. Grounding
6. Feeling-action
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Emotion surfing
1 of 6
 Emotions are waves – they come, rise to a peak, then
subside
 If we can ‘surf’ the wave our emotions will settle
more rapidly
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Emotion surfing
2 of 6
‘Waves’ of emotion, showing how a
feeling increases over time, peaks &
reduces again
Emotion
Time
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Emotion surfing
3 of 6
 Imagine a confident swimmer. They’re confident of
their ability in the water, come what may
 Imagine them standing up to their chest in the sea. In
the distance they see a larger than normal wave.
They’re confident of their swimming ability, they are
curious about the wave, perhaps a little excited by it,
but not scared
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Emotion surfing
4 of 6
 Imagine the wave rolls in and washes around them.
They’re not scared, because they are confident of
their abilities and know the wave will pass
 Imagine the wave lifts them slightly, so their feet lose
contact with the seabed
 They’re not scared, they just ‘tread water’ for a little
while, experiencing the ride
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Emotion surfing
5 of 6
 If they were less confident they may have begun to
panic as their feet left the sand and they might have
‘splashed about’ making themselves more frightened
 Finally, the wave passes and their feet return to the
seabed
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Emotion surfing
6 of 6
 Strong emotions don’t cause us any harm, although
they might leave us feeling a bit ‘wrung out’
 Even the strongest emotion will pass in time. As we
learn to ‘surf’ our emotions, we learn to trust them
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Five Ways to Wellbeing
 Five ways to help ‘raise the bar’
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Key Skills
1. Emotion surfing
2
2. Reducing stress vulnerability
3. Mindful breathing
4. Self-calming
5. Grounding
6. Feeling-action
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1 - Connect
 With people around you
 With family & friends, colleagues & neighbours
 At home, work, school or your community
 Think of these as the cornerstones of your life and
invest time in developing them
 Building connections will support & enrich you every
day
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2 - Be Active
 Discover a physical activity you enjoy that suits your
level of mobility and fitness
 Go for a walk or a run
 Go outside
 Cycle: exercising makes us feel good
 Play a game
 Garden
 Dance
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3 - Take Notice
 Notice beautiful things
 Remark on the unusual
 Notice the changing seasons
 Savour the moment, whether you are walking to
work, eating lunch or talking to friends
 Be aware of the world around you and what you
are feeling
 Reflecting on your experiences will help you
appreciate what matters most to you
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4 - Keep Learning
 Try something new
 Rediscover an old interest
 Sign up for a course
 Fix a bike
 Learn to play an instrument or learn how to cook
your favourite food
 Set a challenge you will enjoy achieving
 Learning new things will make you more
confident as well as being fun
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5 - Give
 Do something nice for a friend or a stranger
 Thank someone
 Smile
 Volunteer your time
 Join a community group
 Look outwards as well as in
 Seeing yourself as linked to the wider community
can be very rewarding and creates connections
with the people around you
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Session 2 Recap
 Key messages
 Raising the bar
 Five ways to wellbeing
 Surfing emotions
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Contents Session 3
 Wise mind
 PLEASE MASTER - resilience
 Understanding emotions
 Warranted and unwarranted anger
 Dropping the rope
 Mindful breathing
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The Amygdala & Neocortex
Information flow between the
prefrontal cortex and the amygdala
regulates emotions such as fear
and anger
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Emotional Mind
Wise Mind
Reasonable Mind
Thinking and behaviour are
controlled by our emotional
state
Integrates Emotion Mind and Intellectual, scientific
Reasonable Mind
logical and rational thinking
Thoughts are unhelpful and
distressing
Adds intuitive knowing to
Factual thinking based on
emotional distress and logical evidence
analysis
Difficult to think rationally
Sees something directly and
clearly
Able to plan how to respond
Focuses attention
‘Facts’ are distorted to fit with
current distress
Strong emotions drive strong
behaviour
Grasps the ‘bigger picture’
Ensures needs of both
Emotion Mind and
Reasonable Mind are met
‘Cool’ in approaching
problems
‘What I should do’
‘What I want to do’
‘What's the most appropriate
and effective thing I could do
in this situation?’
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Wise Mind
Emotion Mind
Wise Mind
Reasonable Mind
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PLEASE MASTER
 Things you can do to help yourself – taking control
 Reduce emotional vulnerability
 Treat Physical Illness
 Balance Eating
 Avoid Mood-Altering drugs
 Balance Sleep
 Take Exercise
 Build MASTERY and pleasure – do something that
makes you feel good every day
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Emotions & Action Impulses
1 of 2
Emotion – to Elicit Motion
Emotions are important – why we can’t just not feel
 Sadness
 Fear
 Happy
 Angry
–
–
–
–
To recognise, reflect & mourn
To flee from or to avoid
All is well, enjoy
Approach, attack or change
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Emotions & Action Impulses
 Shame
 Guilt
 Surprise
 Disgust
 Interest
–
–
–
–
–
2 of 2
Hide away
Make amends, repair
To notice
To learn quickly, to communicate
To explore, find out more
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When Anger is Unwarranted
1 of 2
 When is anger ‘warranted’
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When Anger is Unwarranted
2 of 2
 Acting opposite
 Gently avoid (both ‘being with’ and ‘thinking about’)
 Distract self
 Do something kind
 Notice the positive
 Self calm
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The Rope
1 of 2
 Imagine you’re in a tug of war with a monster
 You’ve got one end of the rope; the monster has the
other. In between you there’s a bottomless pit. You’re
pulling as hard as you can, but the monster is winning
It keeps pulling you closer and closer to
the edge …
 What do you do?
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The Rope
2 of 2
 Dropping the rope might mean the monster’s still
there, but you’re no longer in a struggle with it
 You’re free to do something more useful than fight a
losing battle
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Key Skills
1. Emotion surfing
3
2. Reducing stress vulnerability
3. Mindful breathing
4. Self-calming
5. Grounding
6. Feeling-action
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Mindful Breathing
1 of 4
 Sit comfortably with your eyes closed and your back
comfortably straight
 Centre your head over your spine
 Place your feet flat on the floor if it is comfortable to
do so
 Some people prefer to close their eyes for this
exercise though it is not essential to do so
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Mindful Breathing
2 of 4
 Direct your attention to your breathing. Just notice
your breath
 When you notice thoughts, emotions, physical
sensations, simply accept them, giving them the
space to come and go without judging and without
getting involved with them
 Just notice the experience - notice without getting
caught up in the experience
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Mindful Breathing
3 of 4
 When you notice that your attention has drifted off
to thoughts or feelings or when you realise you are
attending to something other than your breath, just
notice that your attention has drifted away and
gently bring your attention back to your breathing
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Mindful Breathing
4 of 4
 It's absolutely natural for our attention to wander;
this is what our minds do. No matter how many times
this happens, just keep bringing your attention back
to your breathing
 With practice we can allow feelings, thoughts and
experiences to move on without ‘sticking’
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Session 4 Recap
 Self calming
 PLEASE MASTER - resilience
 Understanding emotions
 Warranted and unwarranted anger
 Dropping the rope
 Mindful breathing
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Key Skills
1. Emotion surfing
4
2. Reducing stress vulnerability
3. Mindful breathing
4. Self-calming
5. Grounding
6. Feeling-action
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Self Calming
 What do you do already to soothe yourself
 What else could you do
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Self Calming
1 of 5
 Soothe each of your five senses – Vision
 Find one beautiful thing, make one space in a room
restful, light a candle & watch the flame, read a good
book, go for a meal, go to the beach, go for a bus or
train ride and watch the world go by, go for a run, go
to a museum with beautiful art, sit in a quiet old
church, go to the cinema or other performance or
watch one on TV, be mindful of each sight that passes
in front of you, without lingering on any one
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Self Calming
2 of 5
 Soothe each of your five senses – Hearing
 Listen to beautiful or soothing music or to
invigorating and exciting music, pay attention to the
sounds of nature (waves, birds, rainfall, leaves
rustling), sing to your favorite songs, hum a soothing
tune, learn to play a musical instrument, call 0800 or
other information numbers to hear a human voice,
be mindful of any sounds that come your way,
hearing them and letting them go …
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Self Calming
3 of 5
 Soothe each of your five senses – Smell
 Use your favorite perfume or after shave or try them
on in the shop, spray fragrance in the air, light a
scented candle, put polish on your furniture, put
potpourri in a bowl in your room, bake bread or
cake, make fresh coffee, smell wild flowers, freshly
cut or wet grass, smell sea air, freshly washed linen,
walk in a wooded area and mindfully breathe in the
smells of nature …
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Self Calming
4 of 5
 Soothe each of your five senses – Taste
 Make a special meal, have a soothing drink such as
herbal tea or hot chocolate (no alcohol), treat
yourself to a dessert, put whipped cream in your
coffee. Sample flavours in an ice cream shop. Suck on
sweets. Chew your favourite gum. Get a little bit of a
special food you don't usually spend the money on,
such as freshly-squeezed orange juice. Really taste
the food you eat; eat just one thing mindfully …
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Self Calming
5 of 5
 Soothe each of your five senses – Touch
 Have a bubble bath, put clean sheets on the bed,
stroke your pet, have a massage, soak your feet, put
lotion on your body, put a cold compress on your
forehead, sink into a really comfortable chair, play an
active sport, hug someone, experience whatever you
are touching; notice touch that is soothing …
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Session 5
 Half-smiling
 Grounding
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Half-smiling
1 of 3
 If we’re angry all the time the body will be tense
 Tension can lead to pain, high blood pressure and
other symptoms
 Relax (by letting go or by just tensing and then letting
go) your face, neck, and shoulder muscles and halfsmile
 Relax your jaw and facial muscles
 Try to adopt a serene facial expression - because your
body communicates with your mind
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Half-smiling
2 of 3
 Sit quietly. Breathe and smile a half-smile. Imagine
the image of the person who has caused you the
most suffering. Regard the features you hate or
despise the most or find the most repulsive.
 Now try to examine what makes this person happy
and what causes suffering in his or her daily life.
Imagine the person's perceptions; try to see what
patterns of thought and reason this person follows.
Examine what motivates this person's hopes and
actions
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Half-smiling
3 of 3
 Finally, consider the person's state of mind. See
whether the person's views and thoughts are open
and free or not and whether or not the person has
been influenced by any prejudices, narrowmindedness, hatred or stress. Notice whether or not
the person is master of himself or herself
 Continue until you feel compassion rise in your heart
and your anger and resentment disappear
 Practice many times on the same person
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Key Skills
1. Emotion surfing
5
2. Reducing stress vulnerability
3. Mindful breathing
4. Self-calming
5. Grounding
6. Feeling-action
69
Grounding in the Moment
1 of 8
 The following exercise uses our senses to help ensure
we are, as far as possible, in the present moment.
Approach the exercise in an unhurried manner,
simply notice any sensations and move on
 The exercise is best done sitting or lying down with
your feet in contact with something solid
 Simply notice your experiences and let them go
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Grounding in the Moment
2 of 8
 This exercise can be done at any time of day, or night
 Many people find it especially useful when they
notice the early signs of anxiety or panic
 It takes less than 10 minutes and with practise many
people are able to ground themselves in a minute or
less
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Grounding in the Moment
3 of 8
 Pay attention to the world around you
 Have a look around you, and notice what you can see.
Look for shapes, colours, patterns and textures. Look
for light and shade
 Now, listen to the world around you. Tune into the
sounds in your world. What can you hear?
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Grounding in the Moment
4 of 8
 Now use your sense of touch, what are you touching,
what is touching you?
 Can you feel the way your skin meets your clothing,
and the way your body touches the world around
you?
 Now, use your sense of taste and smell, can you taste
anything right now? What smells can you notice?
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Grounding in the Moment
5 of 8
 Pay attention to what's happening inside
 Start by imagining yourself looking inside your body -
what can you see? Lights, colours, patterns, images?
 Your task is simply to notice these things, not dwell
on them or analyse them, just notice them. When
you've done this, listen to the sounds inside of your
body
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Grounding in the Moment
6 of 8
 What can you hear? Now transfer your attention to
your sense of touch. Become aware of any physical
sensations inside your body. These might be feelings
of heaviness or lightness, of relaxation or of tension.
Now become aware of any smells or tastes you notice
from inside of yourself
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Grounding in the Moment
7 of 8
 Pay attention to both inside and outside at the same
time
 Notice experiences and events outside of yourself
and sensations and experiences within you at the
same time. This can be a little difficult at first but it
becomes easier with practise
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Grounding in the Moment
8 of 8
 Notice what you can see, inside and outside of
yourself
 Now notice what you can hear, again, inside and
outside of yourself
 Now what sensations can you feel, physical
sensations from inside and things you can feel
touching you from outside. Finally, notice smells and
tastes you can notice from both inside and outside
yourself
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Grounding
 What do you do to keep yourself grounded
 What else could you do
 How do you remind yourself of what is important
 What will help you let go of the rope
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Grounding
 The main thing is to keep the main thing, the main
thing!
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Session 6
 Communicating feelings – feeling-action
 Tips for expressing feelings
 Summary and recap
80
Key Skills
1. Emotion surfing
2. Reducing stress vulnerability
6
3. Mindful breathing
4. Self-calming
5. Grounding
6. Feeling-action
81
Feeling – Action
1 of 4
 State your feelings
 We might say ‘You make me so angry’, which can
cause a defensive reaction from the other person
 A feeling-action statement keeps the focus on the
feeling
 Much better to just say ‘I feel’. Better still, try ‘when
you do (x), I feel (y)’
82
Feeling – Action
2 of 4
 Connect the feeling to an issue
Once the feeling is stated, connect it to an issue or an
event: ‘I feel angry, when you walk in without wiping
your shoes’. Although there is some mention of the
other person’s behaviour, the focus continues to be on
the uncomfortable feeling experienced by the speaker
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Feeling – Action
3 of 4
 Say what you want to happen
 A possible solution can now be offered: ‘I feel angry,
when you walk in without wiping your shoes, I would
like you to take off your shoes when you come into
the house’
 The focus stays on the feeling, the goal continues to
be alleviating the uncomfortable feeling
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Feeling – Action
4 of 4
 When you do …
 I feel …
 And I imagine …
 I would like you to …
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Tips for Expressing Feelings
1 of 2
 Pick your moment
 When relaxed
 Not in the middle of an argument
 Count to 20
 Choose your place - neutral may be better than at
home
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Tips for Expressing Feelings
2 of 2
 Listen to the other person’s point of view
 Practise tolerance
 Remember that we rarely get it right first time
 It might not be intentional / personal
87
We Did ...
1. Emotion surfing
2. Reducing stress vulnerability
3. Mindful breathing
4. Self-calming
5. Grounding
6. Feeling-action
88
Most Useful …
 What have you found most useful over the course
 What do you want to keep with you
 What skills will you use most
 What will you do to remember your new skills
 What can we do to help you
89
Thank
You!
90
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