Transcript LOVE, SEX & RELATIONSHIPS From A Christian Perspective

How to Love Your
Spouse — Regardless!
Love Relationships
From A Christian Perspective
Gregory J. Knapp, J.D.
(Inactive Member of California State Bar)
Email: [email protected]
Web: www.knappministries.org
© 2007 Gregory J. Knapp
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Why this Message so Important!
• Statistics seem to indicate a 35-50%
divorce rate - even among Christians!
• Many married for “love”, but that’s now gone
• Marriages are often marked by sadness,
disappointments, and pain, with both
parties now just “putting up with” their
spouse
• New trend: Young Christians living
together rather than marry, hoping to avoid
the pain prevalent in their parents’ marriage
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How’s your marriage?
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Do you have a “perfect” marriage?
Are you totally satisfied in your relationship?
Is your spouse meeting all of your needs?
Do you feel nagged or ignored?
Does your spouse love and respect you?
Is your love waning or already gone?
Is your marriage failing?
Do you feel “trapped” with no way out?
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Good News!
God can heal your marriage,
and give you happiness, joy,
love, bliss, and even more…
If you will do things His way!
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Today, through the study of God’s love,
you will learn:
1. What causes marriages to fail
2. How to spot the warning signs
3. How you can save your own marriage
4. How to help others in marriage trouble
5. How to love your spouse—regardless
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Before we get started
• Covering an incredible amount of
material in 40 minutes
• Suggestion: Only take notes on the
things the Lord is convicting you about
• All the slides are available at:
www.knappministries.org
Let’s get started!
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The Real Tragedy
Although God says in Mark 10:9: “What
therefore God hath joined together, let not
man put asunder”, the tragedy is not the
ending of the “marriage” relationship…
The tragedy is that the people never
really EXPERIENCED the incredible
marriage relationship that God intended!
They have had the “formality” of marriage,
but not its “substance”…which is true love!
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Why do marriages fail?
Apparent causes to atheist attorney were:
Sex
Alcohol
Drugs
Money
Lack of communication
Unfulfilled expectations
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The Search for Answers
• Wanted to save marriages, but how?
– Marriage counseling didn’t seem to work
• Became a follower of Jesus Christ and
discovered two different Greek words
used for English word “love” in John 21!
Could it be that people
had the wrong type of love?
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WHY MARRIAGES REALLY FAIL
• The apparent causes of divorce were only
symptoms of a deeper root cause problem
Root Cause of Marriage Failure
• People do not know what “true love” is
• People do not practice “true love” in
their marriage
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CONCEPTS OF LOVE
Our need for love drives us:
• We are all lonely, and want to be loved
• God said, “It is not good that the man
should be alone” (Genesis 2:18)
• God designed us to give and receive
love in a relationship with Him and
others
• In fact, God commands us to love
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CONCEPTS OF LOVE
GOD’S GREAT COMMANDMENTS
“Thou shalt LOVE the Lord thy God with all
thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with
all thy mind. This is the first and great
commandment. And the second is like
unto it, Thou shalt LOVE thy neighbor as
thyself”
(Matthew 22:37-39)
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CONCEPTS OF LOVE
• We want someone to love us too!
– Need to know someone cares about
us; it gives us worth
– Fills the “emptiness” inside us
– Gives us a reason to go on living
– God “wired” us so we desire it
– Suffer without it
• We want everyone to love us
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CONCEPTS OF LOVE
• Each person has a unique expression
of love for you to experience
– The love of our father, mother, spouse,
child, and friends is unique
– Not satisfied until receive it
– But seldom get the love we desire, or in
the intensity we desire
– Hurt / disappointed when people don’t
love us with the intensity we expect
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CONCEPTS OF LOVE
BUT WHAT IS LOVE?
• Is it an intense form of like?
• Is all love the same?
• Is love what we think or what we do?
• Is love forever and always?
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CONCEPTS OF LOVE
WHY DO WE “FAIL” IN “TRUE LOVE”?
1. Never taught what it is or the differences
in love types
2. Not instinctive to understand or practice
3. Not an intense form of “like”
4. Mistake romance or sex for “true love”
5. Mistakenly think “falling into love” with
the “right” person is “true love”
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CONCEPTS OF LOVE
English doesn’t distinguish types of love
• Words are just symbols for something else
• A word/symbol can represent anything
In English, “love” has to cover everything!
No wonder so much misunderstanding!
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The Revelation
• Found three primary types of love
– Eros
– Phileo
– Agape
• Each are dramatically different
• Each have different results
• Understanding them gives you power:
– To identify and predict types of relationships
– To chose type of love relationship you want
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CONCEPTS OF LOVE
• GOD'S HIGH CALLING FOR US
AGAPE
• Need to fully understand “Agape”
and practice it to follow God’s
command
• Will now learn to distinguish it from
Eros and Phileo
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EROS LOVE
• English: “Erotica”, but not limited to sex
• Eros is a “taking” action to fulfill oneself
Person A
Person B
• You need to look out for your own needs
• Self-oriented, natural, and instinctive
• As single person, you are on throne of
your life and you live to serve yourself:
Man
Woman
Man
Woman
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EROS LOVE
• Life is all about YOU and YOUR fulfillment
and enjoyment -- the ultimate selfishness
• Taught this as grow up by a whole series
of questions…what do YOU want?
• Movies and advertising feeds on this –
pampers to ego, desires, urges
Attitude: If you’re not fulfilled, happy,
content, and satisfied, life is gypping
you and you are depressed and/or
angry!
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EROS
• In an Eros love relationship, each person
looks to their own fulfillment
• They “size up” the other person,
looking for that “Mr./Mrs. Right” that
has all the right qualifications to satisfy
them
• When they find someone to try out, and the
other party agrees, the Eros relationship
begins: Person A
Person B
Person B
Person A
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EROS
• The parties move in together and start to
live:
M W
M W
1
1
• “No Promises” given – Just try each other
out
• Feels good to hear “I love you”; much better
than “I promise to use you for my pleasure”
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EROS
• Because each party is looking for that
“perfect person”, and no one is perfect,
disappointment sets in quickly and the
relationship terminates – “Sorry, you’re
only a “4” out of “10”). Each party then
continues the search for a new possible
“10”
M W
M W
2
2
W
W
1
1
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EROS
• Because needs and wants are always
changing, the relationship can end
abruptly at any time, at the other’s whim
• For each party, it’s a simple question of:
Are YOU meeting ALL MY needs, or,
are YOU sufficiently pleasing to ME,
at this particular moment?
• If not, one/both/all three ends the “love
relationship” and again searches for
“Mr./Mrs. Right”
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EROS
• No one can meet this standard of
perfection (not the world, government,
church, pastor, or spouse) so Eros
relationships are short
• Feels like you’re free and in control, you
do whatever pleases you, until it ends
• Tends to be abusive – the other person is
just an object of pleasure or satisfaction
• On the receiving end, Eros feels cold,
empty, and uncertain
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EROS
In Eros Love, there are:
• No promises
• No pretense of commitment
• No caring
Net result of Eros Love:
• Short-term unstable “Live together”
relationship
• Over time, leaves a wake of painful
broken relationships, or, it evolves into
another type of love, Phileo Love
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PHILEO
• English: Philadelphia; philanthropy;
brotherly love
• A conditional “give and take” relationship
Person A
IF
Person B
• Civilized, dependent on an implied
promise that each will do their part
• Taught this all our life; to “get along”
• Friendship; sharing; duty
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PHILEO
• Phileo Love is an exchange of
conditional promises:
“If you will take care of ME
and MY needs, then I will take
care of YOU and YOUR needs”
• A “Performance Oriented” relationship
Woman
Man
IF
Man
Woman
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PHILEO
• Feels and looks more like “true love”
because focus is now on satisfying
the other person
W
M
IF
M
W
• But the “hook” is still there…it still
demands perfection and is never really
satisfied, so always uncertain how
long it will last
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PHILEO
• Lasts only so long as YOU meet each
and every one of your spouse’s
needs
• Really, just a contract…you have a
DUTY to perform or you’re in breach
and the contract can be terminated!
• Attitude of the lovers: You owe me!
• Easily leads to fear / domination
• Can notice the uncertainty and coldness
• It’s really “maximizing your selfishness by agreement”
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PHILEO
• So why get involved in Phileo?
• Because it is natural…like friendship; a
challenge; you “work at it”; adventurous!
Person A
Person B
40%
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PHILEO
• Usually “size up” the other person to
see if they are “worthy” of you, after
all, you’re “fantastic”; and entitled to be
fully satisfied!
• Unfortunately, even in the relationship,
Phileo lovers often look around for
“more worthy” lovers; never satisfied!
• Can sense in your heart that it’s “not
really love”; you shouldn’t have to put
out 100% plus to keep the relationship
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PHILEO
• Phileo relationships can last forever, but
usually only because one side caves in to
the pressure from the other and agrees to
live an unfulfilled life
• Makes for a “good live together,” but a
poor marriage, as it lacks life-time
commitment, can end at any time, and
still focuses on fulfilling self
• Unfortunately, most marriages are Phileo
love relationships…conditional
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TRUE LOVE = AGAPE LOVE
• No English equivalent; closest: “divine
love” “true love” “really, really love you”
• Defined: “Giving, without thought of
return, for the other person’s highest
good”
Person A
Person B
• Focuses only on other’s highest good
• Unnatural; unselfish; doesn’t make any
sense to the natural man
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AGAPE
Agape love sacrifices self for others,
whether they are “worthy” or not
Person A
Person B
Others
Others
• Always work for the highest good of
others regardless of their wealth, beauty,
“goodness”, or what they can do for you
• You could be married to anyone and
have a good relationship!
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AGAPE
• Unlike Phileo, there is no “IF”; so knock
the “IF” out of your thoughts/relationships!
Person A
Person B
• God intended marriage to be where each
Agape’d the other person unconditionally
W M
M W
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CHARACTERISTICS OF AGAPE
Charity (Agape) suffereth long, and is
kind, charity envieth not; charity
vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
Doth not behave itself unseemly,
seeketh not her own, is not easily
provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not
in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
Beareth all things, believeth all things,
hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Charity never faileth…
(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
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CHARACTERISTICS OF AGAPE
Agape is giving:
• “Greater love (Agape) hath no man than
this, that a man lay down his life for his
friends” (John 15:13)
• Are you laying down your life, your
desires, your wants, your needs for
your spouse?
• Would your spouse agree?
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AGAPE IN MARRIAGE
• Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love
(Agape) your wives, even as Christ also
loved the church, and gave Himself for it”
• Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit
yourselves unto your own husbands, as to
the Lord”
IN EFFECT, EACH SPOUSE IS
TO SERVE THE OTHER!
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KEY TO AGAPE: UNCONDITIONAL
• “But God commendeth his love toward us,
in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ
died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
• Your spouse not perfect and does not
have to be for you to agape them!
• In Agape, it does not matter if you will
get something back; it is unconditional
giving!”
• Do not make your giving love to spouse
conditional on their giving to you!
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AGAPE
QUESTION YOU MUST ANSWER:
If I sacrifice myself for my spouse, and
my spouse doesn’t for me, who will
take care of ME and MY needs?
ANSWER:
GOD WILL! Trust God to supply all your
needs! Your ability to Agape totally
depends on this!
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AGAPE
• God says:
“…(for after all these things the gentiles
seek) for your heavenly Father knoweth
that ye need of all these things. But
seek ye first the kingdom of God, and
his righteousness; and all these things
shall be added unto you!”
(Matt. 6:32-33)
• By whom? By God
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AGAPE
God
You
You
God
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AGAPE
• But Jesus warns you to count the costs:
“…if any man will come after me, let
him deny himself, and take up his
cross, and follow me.” (Matt. 16:24)
• The key to Agape is YOUR willingness
to NOT look to your spouse for your
needs, but to trust God to supply them!
• This takes all pressure off your spouse
• Are you willing to completely trust God?
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AGAPE
• IF you chose NOT to trust in God to
supply your needs, you will be preoccupied with self and will never
progress beyond Phileo to Agape!
• Notice, this has nothing to do with
your spouse, or how good/bad they
are!
• This is a “God thing”, not a “spouse
thing;” it solely has to do with YOU
trusting God!
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AGAPE
If chose to be an Agape lover, you are set
free to serve:
1. Free to Agape all you want!
2. You give security to your spouse; all fear
is gone…peace reigns!
3. Become spouse’s #1 fan club member!
They will feel, know, and enjoy it!
4. Constantly look for ways to serve
spouse – it’s really fun to bring them joy
and see them glow!
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AGAPE
4. You place no demands on spouse
(unless for their highest good)
5. You are set free and relieved of
worrying about taking care of yourself,
because you are trusting God to take care
of your needs!
6. No more worries about life “gypping”
you; no one owes you anything, and God
will give you what’s best for you!
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AGAPE
• Your ONLY concern is serving God, by
being an Agape lover to your spouse
• You begin to learn and experience what it
is to fulfill the great commandment!
• Suddenly, instead of being critical of
spouse all the time, you are THANKFUL
for ANYTHING they do for you!
• Your life becomes filled with gratitude and
“Thank You’s”; you begin to experience a
Good Marriage!
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AGAPE
• People will notice how pleasant you
have become; they feel your genuine
warmth
• Because you trust God and His plan to
satisfy your needs, gone are the pity
parties, envy, greed, or lust
• The more your spouse ages and
needs you, you actually rejoice in
having more opportunity to serve
them!
• Result: Life of joy; Good Marriage
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Caution!
• Agape does not mean being a doormat
or doing whatever the spouse wants
• Ultimately, Agape is doing what is for the
highest good of other person, the
marriage entity, and yourself
• Agape does not mean you endure an
abusive situation, because the Lord
commanded you to Agape others as you
do yourself, and no one deserves to be
abused!
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PRACTICAL APPLICATION
• Agape expressed many ways; maybe
you’re an Agape lover in only a few:
– Physical
– Financial
– Sexual
– Psychological
– Emotional
– Mental
– Spiritual
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PRACTICAL APPLICATION
• Your love varies in type minute-byminute – Keep yourself in Agape!
Agape
Phileo
Eros
I 1 Hour I
Continuous
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PRACTICAL APPLICATION
• Your love constantly varies in focus
– A balancing act:
Job / TV / Sports / Spouse / Dog
Friends / Newspaper / God / Hobbies
Church / Each Child / Yourself
AND MORE
_________________________________________________
Person A
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PRACTICAL APPLICATION
Let God set your priorities:
• “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;
and lean not unto thine own
understanding. In all thy ways
acknowledge him, and he shall direct
thy paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
• “If any of you lack wisdom, let him
ask of God, that giveth to all men
liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall
be given him.” (James 1:5)
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PRACTICAL APPLICATION
• Common Question: What happens if my
spouse is a different type of lover?
Such as:
Or:
You
(Agape)
Spouse
(Phileo)
You
(Agape)
Spouse
(Eros)
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PRACTICAL APPLICATION
• Your job remains the same: to
steadfastly serve them in Agape love
regardless of their response
• Spouse will feel your sincerity and
warmth. Spouse will feel secure
• Usually spouse responds positively
• Eros Spouse may remain clueless
• Phileo Spouse may wonder what you
want in return, or be uncomfortable with
putting more into the relationship
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PRACTICAL APPLICATION
NET RESULT: Normally, everyone happier
• Spouse usually raises output/kindness
level or even chooses Agape
• But no long term guarantees if spouse
not satisfied
• May be difficult and Agape spouse may
endure much suffering, but there is hope
that you might win spouse over by your
actions (1 Cor 7:16) – So model Agape!
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PRACTICAL APPLICATION
In any mixed love type relationship:
1. Pray to God for Wisdom (James 1:5)
2. Turn from your own Eros/Phileo ways
3. Trust God to provide for your needs
4. Give, without thought of return, for
spouse’s highest good
5. Share what you have learned
6. Wait patiently (Ps. 37), in thankfulness
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PRACTICAL APPLICATION
Key to Agape: Focus on God’s will in
everything
• Train yourself to Agape
• Realize type of love you are in
• Realize it’s a life-time struggle
• Realize it takes (1) understanding,
(2) will and (3) time to change
• Don’t become discouraged
• Let God’s love fill you!
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CHOOSE AGAPE!
WHAT DOES GOD WANT YOU TO DO?
• “This is my commandment, that ye love
(Agape) one another, just as I have
loved (Agape’d) you” (John 15:12)
• “Head Knowledge” not enough; God
says in 1 John 3:18: “…(Agape)… in deed
and in truth.”
• Your actions will prove your sincerity
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CHOOSE AGAPE
• Do not discriminate or be selective based
on another person’s worthiness!
• God says “…love (Agape) your enemies, do
good to them which hate you, bless them that
curse you, pray for them which despitefully
use you.” (Luke 6:27-28)
• As your resources are limited, be wise,
guided by God (Proverbs 3:5-6; James 1:5)
• Bottom Line: Agape, trusting in God that
He will guide you and provide for you!
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CHOOSE AGAPE!
WHAT IF YOU DECIDE NOT TO BE
AN AGAPE LOVER?
“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of
angels, and have not charity (Agape), …
have no charity (Agape), I am nothing.
(1 Corinthians 13:1-3)
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HOW TO BECOME AN AGAPE LOVER
ASK GOD, “MAKE ME AN AGAPE-LOVER”
1. Admit to God that you have violated His
Commandment to Agape one another
2. Repent, turn control of your life over to God;
submit body to God's control (Luke 13:5;
Rom. 12:1-2)
3. Trust that Jesus Christ died on the cross
and shed His blood to pay the price for your
sins and that He rose again (1 Cor. 15:1-4)
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HOW TO BECOME AN AGAPE LOVER
4. Ask God to come into your life, to save
you from your sins, to give you eternal life,
to take control, and to fill your life with
Agape, and save you from a life of Eros
and Phileo (Romans 10:9-10)
5. Trust God for the fulfillment of His
glorious plan for your life (Jeremiah 29:11;
Ephesians 2:10; Philippians 1:6)
6. Follow Jesus. “…if any man will come
after me, let him deny himself, and take
up his cross daily, and follow Me” (Luke
9:23, Matthew 16:24)
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CONCLUSION
1. We now understand / can identify Eros,
Phileo, Agape love
2. We now understand the consequences
of each
3. We know we are to give for others’
highest good without thought of return
4. We know we must trust God to do this
5. We now know it is possible to truly love
our spouse—regardless!
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CONCLUSION
So now… THE CHOICE IS YOURS!
• The way of Agape brings life, joy, and
peace
• The way of Eros/Phileo brings death,
sadness, and bitterness
• Therefore, trust God and choose life
(Agape)!
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CONCLUSION
Your future, and the success of your
marriage, is in your hands…
Trust God and
choose to be an Agape lover
YOU will then be a blessing to God,
your spouse, and others from this
day forward!
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How to Love Your
Spouse — Regardless!
Love Relationships
From A Christian Perspective
Gregory J. Knapp, J.D.
(Inactive Member of California State Bar)
Email: [email protected]
Web: www.knappministries.org
© 2007 Gregory J. Knapp
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