Transcript Eliminating Obscurity - Tulsa Community College

Eliminating Obscurity
NEC FACET Center
What is Obscurity?
 Just as clouds obscure
the sun, poor word
choices and sentence
structures obscure a
writer’s meaning.
 Careful revision can
clear up the cloudy
sentences.
Words from a Writer
Ernest Hemingway
considered clarity
“the indispensable
characteristic of a
good writer.”
Difficulty of Avoiding Obscurity
A philosopher once remarked, “It is as
hard to be clear as to be good.”
Nevertheless, writers must strive to
attain this goal.
Three Main Hindrances to
Clear Writing
The desire to impress readers
rather than serve them
Three Main Hindrances to
Clear Writing
The desire to impress readers
rather than serve them
The attempt to
communicate an
idea before
understanding it
fully
Three Main Hindrances to
Clear Writing
The desire to impress readers
rather than serve them
The attempt to
communicate an
idea before
understanding it
fully
The failure to work hard
enough to select the precise
word for the job
Types of Obscurity, Part I
Generalization
Euphemism
Cliché
Inadequate transition
Obscurity Type # 1:
Generalization
 The term generalization refers to vague,
imprecise word choice.
 When a writer uses vague words,
readers can’t be sure of the meaning.
Causes of Generalizations
A writer’s vagueness about a subject
because of his or her own incomplete
understanding of that subject
A discourteous failure to take a reader’s
needs into account.
How to Avoid Generalizations
Specific details nail down meanings and
spark a reader’s imagination and
comprehension.
Which sentence is more
specific?
 Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
Maintenance by Robert Pirsig is a terrific
book.
 Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
maintenance by Robert Pirsig is an
exciting, philosophical ghost story.
Which sentence is more
specific?
 She had a bright garden full of red tulips,
yellow jonquils, and white lilies.
 Her garden was full of beautiful, bright
flowers.
Which sentence is more
specific?
 Early American writer
Henry David advocated
social change.
 Early American writer
Henry David Thoreau
advocated a social
security system, a sixhour work day, and a
volunteer army.
Can you identify the vague
word or phrase?
In King Lear,
Shakespeare
presents a frightening view of life.
Can you identify the vague
word or phrase?
In King Lear,
Shakespeare
presents a frightening view of life.
Can you identify the vague
word or phrase?
Melville devoted a
good deal of
Moby Dick to a
description of
whales and
whaling.
Can you identify the vague
word or phrase?
Melville devoted a
good deal of
Moby Dick to a
description of
whales and
whaling.
Another Way to Avoid
Generalization
In addition to choosing your words
with care, you can also eliminate
generalizations by providing your
readers with specific examples.
The following passage illustrates this
point.
Using Examples for Clarity

As for society and confederation that
animals form among themselves to
league together and assist one
another,it may be seen in oxen, hogs,
and other animals that at the call of one
you injure, all the herd rushes up to its
aid and rallies at its defense. When the
parrot fish has swallowed the fisherman’s hook, its comrades gather in a
swarm around it and gnaw through the
line; and if by chance there is one that
has got into their net, the others offer it
their tails from outside, and it grips one
as tight as it can with its teeth, thus,
they can drag it out and take it away.
Notice how the example clarifies the
point about animals joining together.
Are examples needed?
As it turned out, the
new D.J. lacked
the necessary
experience.
Yes, examples
would help readers
understand the
problems.
Are examples needed?
 The shapes of corals often
give them their popular
names. Among the hard
corals, the brain coral with its
grooved surfaces is easy to
identify. So are the giant
mushroom coral , the elkhorn,
and the pack of cards.
Are examples needed?
 The shapes of corals often
give them their popular
names. Among the hard
corals, the brain coral with its
grooved surfaces is easy to
identify. So are the giant
mushroom coral , the elkhorn,
and the pack of cards.
 No, the passage already has
examples.
Obscurity Type # 2:
Euphemisms
Euphemisms offer a way to disguise an
idea that one considers offensive,
disagreeable, or demeaning.
They provide a less direct way of
expressing an idea but are considered
less distasteful or less offensive than
the straightforward way.
Examples of Euphemisms
The word death can be
dressed up with such
euphemisms as “passing
away,” “expiring,” or
“going to one’s reward.”
Additional Examples
 Dog catchers become “animal control
officers.”
 Used cars become “pre-owned vehicles.”
Problem with Euphemisms
Like generalizations, euphemisms
can also cloud the meaning.
Example of Confusing
Euphemism
 Johnny’s teacher told
his parents, “He needs
help learning to
respect the truth.”
 His parents may not
realize the teacher is
calling Johnny a liar.
Find the least and most
elegant word in each grouping
wealthy, rich, loaded
used car, old car, pre-owned car
Find the least and most
elegant word in each grouping
wealthy, rich, loaded
– least elegant = loaded
– most elegant = wealthy
used car, old car, pre-owned car
– least elegant = old car
– most elegant = pre-owned car
Identify the Euphemism.
Students were shot
during the American
presence in Vietnam.
Identify the Euphemism.
Students were shot
during the American
presence in Vietnam.
This serves as a
euphemism for war.
Find the Euphemism.
 The Newton School provides classes for
exceptional children.
Find the Euphemism.
 The Newton School provides classes for
exceptional children.
 Although this term can apply to very bright
children, it also frequently refers to
disabled children--to any children who are
different from others.
Find the Euphemisms.
The senior citizen passed away and
was laid to rest in a memorial park.
Senior citizen = old person
passed away = died
laid to rest = buried
memorial park = cemetery
Types of Obscurity
Clichés
Inadequate transitions
Unclear pronoun
reference
Misplaced, dangling
modifiers
Obscurity Type # 3:
Cliché
 Clichés are outdated, overused expressions such as
“Love makes the world go around.”
Reason to Avoid Clichés
Fresh writing uses lively, original words
and avoids worn out, trite expressions
that readers have heard repeatedly.
Although they may have been original
years ago, cliches have lost their power
today.
Examples of Clichés
 Work like a dog
 free as a bird
 red as a rose
 stubborn as a mule
 slow as a tortoise
 like there’s no tomorrow
 last but not least
 in this day and age
 better late than never
A Few More Clichés . . .
 The early bird
catches the worm.
 Keep your eye on
the ball.
 The shoe’s on the
other foot.
 If you can’t beat
‘em, join ‘em.
 My heart sank.
 tighter than a drum
 make tracks
 ugly as sin
 more fun than a
barrel of monkeys
 pull a fast one
 the blind leading the
blind
 flat as a pancake
How to Avoid Clichés
As a general rule, if
you have heard an
idea expressed in
the same way many
times before, avoid
saying it that way
yourself.
Cliches
Obscurity Type # 4:
Inadequate Transition
 The word transition
means “change.”
 Transitions guide a
reader from one idea to
the next, showing
change of ideas.
 Transitions resemble
street signs guiding a
reader from place to
place.
Where to Use Transitions
As you move from
paragraph to
paragraph-As you move from
point to point within
a paragraph--
Functions of Transitions
 Showing the order in which actions,
steps, or thoughts take place
 Showing the relationship that one
thought or action has to another
 Helping to introduce each item in a
series of details or thoughts on the
same subject
The First Type of Transition
 If you want to sell your used car, first get it in
the best shape possible. Wash and clean the
interior, shampoo the carpet, and have the
engine tuned up. Then, place a classified ad
in the paper and put “For Sale” signs with
your phone number on the inside of the
window.
 These transitions show time sequence.
Examples of Transitions
Showing Time Sequence
first, second, third, etc.
next
now, then
before, after, afterwards
last, finally
The Second Type of Transition
It is cold and windy.
Nevertheless, I’m going
to run ten miles this
afternoon.
This transition shows the
contrasting relationship
between two ideas.
Examples of Transitions
Showing Relationships
 for example, for instance
 consequently, therefore
 however, nevertheless
 on the contrary, on the
other hand
 in fact, in spite of
The Third Type of Transition
Housing options abound at Clark
College. Students can live in dormitories
on campus and in off-campus housing
run by the college. Also, many
apartment complexes have sprouted up
near the campus in addition to the new
duplexes being built across from the
library.
Type Three Continued
Finally, a number of families rent
bedrooms along with bath and kitchen
privileges.
These transitions--also, in addition to,
and finally--introduce a series of
thoughts about the same point.
Transitions Indicating Series
Supporting One Point
in addition,
additionally
first,
second,
next, etc.
also,
furthermore
Main
Point
Obscurity Type # 5:
Unclear Pronoun Reference
 Pronouns substitute for nouns as in
“After Josh intercepted the ball, he
passed it to his teammate positioned
near the basket.”
 The pronoun he takes the place of
Josh, and it takes the place of ball.
 Misused pronouns can result in
obscure writing.
One Pronoun Clarity Problem
Sometimes a pronoun can refer to two
previous words and the reader cannot
tell which meaning the writer intends.
We call this an ambiguous pronoun-one with 2 meanings.
The words referred to are called the
antecedents of the pronouns--the words
the pronoun is renaming.
Example of an Ambiguous
Pronoun
 When Marcie set the vase on the
glass table, it broke.
 What broke--the vase or the
table?
 When Marcie set the vase on the
glass table, the vase broke.
 When Marcie set the vase on the
glass table, the table top broke.
Example of Unclear Pronoun
Reference
 Monica told Celeste that her gift was best.
 Whose gift was best--Monica’s or Celeste’s?
A Second Pronoun Clarity
Problem
 Sometimes the writer uses the pronoun
without providing any antecedent.
 Rather than having two possible
antecedents, the pronoun now has no
antecedent.
Example of Pronoun without
Antecedent
 After braiding Jessica’s hair, Sarah decorated
them with flowers.
 Notice that the pronoun them has no
antecedent.
 Revised: After braiding Jessica’s hair, Sarah
decorated the braids with flowers.
Another Example
 Sometimes energy-
saving tips are provided
with the gas bill. For
example, they suggest a
moderate hot water
heater setting.
 Who are they? (Notice
the writer has not
provided an antecedent.)
The Example Revised
 Sometimes money-saving tips are
provided with the gas bill. For example,
the gas company suggests a moderate
hot water heater setting.
Cause 6: Misplaced or
Dangling Modifiers
 Modifiers are words or phrases which
describe other words.
 Modifiers should come directly after or
directly before the words they modify.
Modifiers can identify.
 The man taking pictures
 The children playing ball
 Notice that these modifiers tell what’s
happening and come directly after the
words they modify--man and children.
Modifiers can locate.
the man seated at
the desk
the pyramids at Giza
 Notice that the
modifiers tell where
and, again, come after
the words being
modified--man and
pyramids.
Modifiers can show time.
The river freezes in the winter.
At dawn, the rooster crows.
Notice that both modifiers
indicate time. One comes after
the modified word (freezes)
and one comes before the
modified word (crows).
Modifiers can tell how
something happened.
 The clown juggled with great skill.
 The champagne bottle cork launched like a rocket.
 Notice that one modifier comes after and one before
the modified words--juggled and launched.
Two Types of
Modifier Problems
misplaced modifiers
dangling modifiers
Misplaced Modifiers
Placing a modifier too far from the word
it modifies can result in a confusing or
misleading sentence.
We call this a “misplaced modifier.”
Example of Misplaced
Modifier
 Racing around the corner, I saw a school bus.
 According to the placement of the modifier, the
person (not the car) was racing around the corner.
Example of Misplaced
Modifier
 I saw the school bus racing around the corner.
 Notice how changing the position of the
modifier can totally change the sentence’s
meaning.
Dangling Modifiers
Dangling modifiers have no
word in the sentence to
modify.
The writer needs to revise,
adding the word.
Example of a Dangling
Modifier
 Enjoying sports, a tennis game filled the
afternoon.
 Notice that “enjoying sports appears to
modify game, but a game can’t enjoy sports.
 The writer has not told who enjoys sports.
The Dangling Modifier
Revised
 Enjoying sports, Joe and Ted filled the
afternoon with a tennis game.
 Notice that the words being modified
now appear directly after the modifier.
 The modifier is no longer “dangling” without
a word to modify.
Another Dangling Modifier
 Listening to the sad news,
my eyes filled with tears.
 Notice that the eyes seem
to be listening to the
news.
 Again, the sentence has
no word for the modifier to
describe.
The Dangling Modifier
Revised
 Listening to the sad news,
I felt my eyes fill with
tears.
 As I listened to the sad
news, my eyes filled with
tears.
 Notice that both revisions
insert the word I; now the
modifier has a word to
modify.
Types of Obscurity
Misused Passive Voice
Misplaced Emphasis
Obscurity Type # 7:
Misused Passive Voice
Voice refers to the relation of the
subject to the action:
– whether the subject is the doer or the
receiver of the action.
We commonly use two types
of voice.
Active voice
Passive voice
Active Versus Passive Voice
To distinguish between active
voice and passive voice, think
of the difference between active
and passive people.
Illustrating the Difference
 A passive person does very
little; he or she lets others do
the work, make the decisions,
etc.
 The passive person may be
acted upon by others.
Illustrating the Difference
 An active person keeps
busy; he or she does the
work, has the fun, makes
the decisions.
Passive Voice Sentences
 In passive voice sentences,
the subject performs no
action. It is acted upon.
 Example: Five buildings
were toppled by an earthquake.
 The subject (“buildings”) does
nothing. The earthquake acts
upon the subject.
Active Voice Sentence
 In active voice, the subject
performs the action.
 Example: The earthquake
toppled five buildings.
 The subject is now
“earthquake,” and the
earthquake now does
something--topples the
buildings.
Using Active Voice to
Strengthen Style
Active voice strengthens your writing
style:
It adds action to your sentences.
It helps reduce wordiness by expressing
ideas in a shorter, more direct manner.
Wordiness Reduction
Notice the decreased wordiness:
Passive voice: Traffic was directed by
the police. (6 words)
Active voice: The police directed traffic.
(4 words).
Another Example
 Passive voice: It was recommended by our
mother that the tree be placed upright in the
stand by us before any ornaments were hung
on the branches by us. (28 words)
 Active voice: Mother recommended that we
place the tree upright in the stand before
hanging any ornaments on the branches. (19
words)
When to Use Passive Voice
Use passive voice in the following two
circumstances:
When the performer of the action is
unknown.
When you want to keep the focus on
someone or something important that is
acted upon--when the receiver of the
action is more important that the doer.
Example of Unknown or
Unimportant Performers
 His new car was stolen during the night.
(unknown performer of action)
 According to legend, King Arthur was
betrayed by his nephew Mordred.
Determined to avenge the wrong, Arthur led a
band of loyal knights against the traitor and
his followers. (The passage uses passive
voice in 1st sentence to keep the emphasis
on Arthur.)
Rules to Follow
Do not use passive voice when
active voice would be stronger.
Do not switch from active voice to
passive in mid-sentence without a
good reason.
Identify and Revise the
Passive Voice.
 As soon as the flames
were seen by Derrick,
the alarm was sounded.
 Revised active voice
version: As soon as
Derrick saw the flames,
he sounded the alarm.
Identify and Revise the
Passive Voice.
The living room is
being painted by
Sam.
Identify and Revise the
Passive Voice.
The living room is
being painted by
Sam.
Revised active
voice version:
Sam is painting
the living room.
Identify and Revise the
Passive Voice
 The hotdogs were
grilled for dinner.
 Caution: Notice that
the doer isn’t
identified. You will
need to create a
performer for the
action.
Identify and Revise the
Passive Voice
 The hotdogs were
grilled for dinner.
 Revised active voice
version: Ted grilled
the hotdogs for
dinner.
Obscurity Type # 8:
Misplaced Emphasis
Misplaced emphasis results from a
conflict between the idea the writer
wants to communicate and the
sentence structure he or she uses.
Sentence Arrangement
Generally, you should place the most
important idea in the main clause and
less important idea in a subordinate
clause.
What is a main clause?
A group of words containing both
subject and verb and expressing a
complete idea.
Also known as an independent clause
because it can stand alone as a
sentence.
Example of a Main Clause
Dramatist George
Bernard Shaw felt
that in heaven an
angel is nobody in
particular.
The Main Clause Examined
Dramatist George Bernard Shaw felt
that in heaven an angel is nobody in
particular.
Notice that the clause has a subject
and a verb and that it can stand as an
independent sentence.
What is a subordinate clause?
A subordinate clause also contains
a subject and a verb, but it cannot
stand alone as a separate sentence.
It is dependent on--and must be
attached to --a main clause
Example of a Subordinate
Clause
Although dramatist
George Bernard
Shaw felt that in
heaven an angel is
nobody in particular.
 The clause can no
longer stand alone. It’s
dependent on some
completion of the idea.
A Cause of Obscurity
Although dramatist George
Bernard Shaw felt that in
heaven an angel is nobody in
particular, . . .
Notice how a subordinate
clause leaves you hanging in
mid-air waiting for the main
idea.
Interpreting the Main Idea
Although the Beautiful and the Damned
is credited to F. Scott Fitzgerald, Zelda
Fitzgerald claimed much of it was
plagiarized from her.
Here the main clause talks of the
plagiarism, suggesting that the charge
is plausible.
Shifting the Main Idea
Although Zelda Fitzgerald claimed that
much of the Beautiful and the Damned
was plagiarized from her, the novel is
credited to F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Notice that the main clause now talks
about credit going to F. Scott, thus
making Zelda’s claim seem doubtful.
Which is the Main Clause?
1
 Poet Edna St. Vincent Millay loved humanity
2
although she hated people.
Which is the Main Clause?
1
Poet Edna St. Vincent Millay loved
2
humanity although she hated people.
The first clause is the
main (independent)
clause.
Which is the main clause?
1
After becoming a famous
Indian fighter, Andrew
Jackson became the seventh
2
President of the United
States.
The main clause
is clause # 2.
Which is the main clause?
1
Andrew Jackson was a
famous Indian fighter who
2
became the seventh
President of the United
States.
The main clause
is clause # 1.
Summary
To make your writing clearer, take
the following steps:
Avoid generalizations.
Use specific words
and phrases that
convey the precise
meaning you want.
Watch out for euphemisms
Unless in a particularly delicate
situation, say what you mean, using
straightforward vocabulary with
unmistakable meaning.
Stay clear of clichés.
Avoid using worn-out
language to convey
your meaning.
Clichés are the old,
worn out phrases you
have heard so many
times.
It’s raining cats and
dogs.
Try transitions.
Carefully chosen transitions can make
your ideas flow smoothly and convey
the relationship between points.
Use words such as however,
consequently, first, next, finally, most
important, beside, behind, after, in fact.
Perfect your pronouns.
Make sure each pronoun has a clear,
unmistakable antecedent.
Dad ordered my brother to
paint the garage because he
didn’t want to do it.
Who didn’t want to do it--the
dad or the brother?
Move your misplaced
modifiers.
 Locate your modifiers near the word they
describe.
 Wrong: Roger visited the old house still weak
with the flu.
 Right: Still weak with the flu, Roger visited
the old house.
Do away with danglers.
Add a word for them to describe.
Using binoculars, the hawk was clearly seen
following its prey.
Using binoculars, I could clearly see the hawk
following its prey.
Activate your writing voice.
 Don’t use passive voice when you can use
active.
 Wrong: The marathon was finished by John.
 Right: John finished the marathon.
Determine your emphasis.
Place your main idea in the main clause
of your sentence.
Place less important ideas in a
dependent (subordinate) clause.
Although she only studied an hour, Meg
made a high grade on the exam.
Remember . . .
Following these important
guidelines will help you strengthen
your writing skills!