Transcript Its not easy saying NO!

Its not easy saying NO!
Dr Raja Roy Choudhury
Founder & Managing Director
MindCare Counseling Center P Ltd.
Truth behind my findings
It is no more a man’s world, it’s a woman’s
world, who knows more than me with a wife
and three daughters.
Dr Raja Roy Choudhury
“I can’t begin to keep up with all that should be
known, should be done, all the battles that
should be fought, all the worthy causes that
should be supported…”
“It’s not easy saying no as we are from a whole
culture that values expansion and perceives
contraction as defeat”
“We are in exponential times, with accelerating
everything.. The trickle became a creek, a
stream, a river, a delta, a flood, an ocean, and a
tsunami…”
“I’ve been hearing neighbours and friends say
things like Sorry, my plate is full…”
as a winner—a high status, high-achieving,
widely read person I know now that its time to
pull back, re-prioritize, focus, accept that it’s
really enough to do what I can do without
getting strung out and spread thin
With the various commitments, at times, people can feel like
they are getting ripped in a million different directions
the trigger for balance
• The search for a balanced life begins when people seek to
change things in accordance with changes in their own
priorities
• This can either be physical or psychological
• The ability to effectively manage the juggling act between
paid work and the other activities that are important to
people
– Family/Friends
– Recreation
– Spiritualilty
– Health and Wellness
striving for balance can look like imbalance
• When one strives for balance it could often result in tiredness,
low energy, anxiety, feeling tense
• It can impact work performance and even result in people
missing work more often than before
• It certainly effects workplace relationships
struggle for balance
• Many people are caught in the middle of inner conflicts that
make it hard for them to make changes to create the healthier
and happier balance they would like
• Situational factors pose challenges to efforts to create the
balance wanted
• Women still take prime responsibility for caring and domestic
work
• Women’s employment patterns remain much more affected
than men’s by the need to care for children or family
members
how to achieve balance?
• Robert Ellis – Rational Emotive Therapy A, B, C’s of cognitive
therapy
– “If I continue to think as I have always thought, I will
continue to act as I have always acted. If I continue to act
as I have always acted, I will continue to get what I have
always gotten.”
• Change of thought, changes the behavior and leads to a new
consequence
what is the typical thought process?
• Using Ellis’s ABC (Activating event or thought will trigger a
Behavior which leads to the Consequence)
• I am so behind at work, I’ll never get everything done….
(thought)
• I continue to stress over my work but can’t focus and get
easily distracted (behavior)
• the consequence is that my thought becomes the truth
because I leave without getting my work done
what does balance mean to you?
• What are your values?
• What’s important to you?
• What makes you happy ?
• What are the barriers?
– time, stress, dual career family, lack of support from family,
supervisor, peers
exercise 1
• Suneetha is 45-years old and an only child whose elderly,
widowed mother has Alzheimer's disease
• She needs to aid her mother with personal needs as well as
such things as cooking, housework, buying groceries, etc.
• Suneetha is also a sales representative and must put in
endless hours at the office in order to get a promotion to
district sales manager
• What can Suneetha do to balance her work and non-work
lives?
• What can Suneetha’s organization do to help her balance her
work and non-work lives?
exercise 2
• Rita is a 26-year old wife and a new mother
• She has just returned to work after a 6-week maternity leave
and found out that her husband, Prashant, was laid off
•
Rita and Prashant are both paying off student loans, they just
put their new baby into a great daycare facility and bought a
new car after the old one broke down
• How can Rita work toward balancing her work and non-work
lives?
• How can Prashant help?
• How can Rita and Prashant work together so that they each
have balance?
learn to say No
• There are many times when we need to say "No" but find it
hard or do not say it well enough to convince the other
person
• This can include saying "No" to a guy who is after your heart,
saying No to a kid who wants more sweets or even saying
"No" to a lovers demand
• Saying yes to a demand when you were supposed to say no
can be so dangerous and in many times, people say No in a
way which is not convincing
• For example, many men have continued to pester women
who do not love them simply because such women do not
have good refusal skills
learn to say NO!
Being a good spouse, parent, daughter, employee, and friend
doesn't mean blindly giving into these roles
Saying "no" is not just about being assertive; it is about
discovering what is most important in your life, what you value,
what you want to give your time and energy to.
why we find it hard to say No?
• You want to help. You are a kind soul at heart. You don’t want
to turn the person away and you want to help where possible,
even if it may eat into your time
• Afraid of being rude. I was brought up under the notion that
saying “No”, especially to people who are more senior, is rude
• Wanting to be agreeable. You don’t want to alienate yourself
from the group because you’re not in agreement. So you
confirm to others’ requests
why we find it hard to say No?
• Fear of conflict. You are afraid the person might be angry if
you reject him/her. This might lead to an ugly confrontation.
Even if there isn’t, there might be dissent created which might
lead to negative consequences in the future.
• Fear of lost opportunities. Perhaps you are worried saying no
means closing doors. For example, a lady was asked to
transfer to another department in her company. Since she
liked her team, she didn’t want to shift. However, she didn’t
want to say no as she felt it would affect her promotion
opportunities in the future.
• Not burning bridges. Some people take “no” as a sign of
rejection. It might lead to bridges being burned and
relationships severed.
it’s about how you say “no”, rather than the fact
you’re saying no … you have your own priorities
and needs… saying no is about respecting and
valuing your time and space … its your
prerogative
exercise 3
Write about a time when you said yes to something when you
really wanted to say no
• Why did you say Yes?
• How did you feel about it?
• On a level of 1 to 10, how much stress did it cause you?
• How much stress would it have caused you to say "No?"
• How did it turn out in the end?
• Brainstorm three ways you could have said 'no' in a
professional and assertive manner
how to say No?
“I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at the
moment”
• If you are too busy to engage in the request/offer, this will be
applicable. This lets the person know your plate is full at the
moment, so he/she should hold off on this as well as future
requests
• If it makes it easier, you can also share what you’re working on
so the person can understand better.
how to say No?
“Now’s not a good time as I’m in the middle of something. How
about we reconnect at X time?”
• It’s common to get sudden requests for help when you are in
the middle of something. Sometimes we get phone calls from
friends or associates when we are in meetings or doing
important work
• This method is a great way to (temporarily) hold off the
request. First, you let the person know it’s not a good time as
you are doing something. Secondly, you make known your
desire to help by suggesting another time (at your
convenience). This way, the person doesn’t feel blown off
how to say No?
“I’d love to do this, but …”
• This is a gentle way of breaking ‘no’ to the other party
• It’s encouraging as it lets the person know you like the idea
(of course, only say this if you do like it) and there’s nothing
wrong about it
• We often get collaboration proposals from business associates
which we might be unable to participate in and this method is
a gentle way to say no
• Their ideas are absolutely great, but I can’t take part due to
other reasons such as prior commitments or different needs
how to say No?
“Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you”
• This is more like a “Maybe” than a straight out “No”
• If you are interested but you don’t want to say ‘yes’ just yet,
use this. Sometimes we are pitched a great idea which meets
our needs, but we might want to hold off on committing as
we would like some time to think first
• There are times when new considerations pop in and we want
to be certain of the decision before committing ourselves
• If the person is sincere about the request, he/she will be more
than happy to wait a short while. Specify a date / time-range
(say, in 1-2 weeks) where the person can expect a reply
• If you’re not interested in what the person has to offer at all,
don’t lead him/her on. Use methods which are definitive
how to say No?
“This doesn’t meet my needs now but I’ll be sure to keep you in
mind”
• If someone is pitching a deal/opportunity which isn’t what
you are looking for, let him/her know straight-out that it
doesn’t meet your needs
• Otherwise, the discussion can drag on longer than it should. It
helps as the person know it’s nothing wrong about what
he/she is offering, but that you are looking for something else.
• At the same time, by saying that you’ll keep him/her in mind,
it signals you are open to future opportunities
how to say No?
“I’m not the best person to help on this. Why don’t you try X?”
• If you are being asked for help in something which you (i)
can’t contribute much to (ii) don’t have resources to help, let
it be known they are looking at the wrong person
• If possible, refer them to a lead they can follow-up on –
whether it’s someone you know, someone who might know
someone else, or even a department
• Its good to make it a point to offer an alternate contact so the
person doesn’t end up in a dead end. This way you help steer
the person in the right place
how to say No?
“No, I can’t”
• The simplest and most direct way to say no. We build up too
many barriers in our mind to saying no
• These barriers are self-created and they are not true at all
• Don’t think so much about saying no and just say it outright
• You’ll be surprised when the reception isn’t half as bad as
what you imagined it to be
a few things to remember …
• Be firm -- not defensive or overly apologetic -- and polite. This gives the
signal that you are sympathetic, but will not easily change your mind if
pressured
• If you decide to tell the person you’ll get back to them, be matter-of-fact
and not too promising. If you lead people to believe you’ll likely say "yes"
later, they’ll be more disappointed with a later "no"
• If asked for an explanation, remember that you really don’t owe anyone
one. “It doesn’t fit with my schedule,” is perfectly acceptable
• Remember that there are only so many hours in the day. This means that
whatever you choose to take on limits your ability to do other things. So
even if you somehow can fit a new commitment into your schedule, if it’s
not more important than what you would have to give up to do it
(including time for relaxation), you really don’t have the time in your
schedule