Transcript Teenage Tango - Toronto District School Board

Teenage Tango
How to understand, talk to, support, guide and
love your teenager
Michelle Keeley
Parent, Teen & Life Coach
[email protected]
www.fruitionstrategies.com/teen
Great Expectations Coaching
416-450-0371
*my parent/teen website is under construction so you can find
Great Expectations Coaching on my Fruition Strategies business coaching
website
Main Task:
• This time of life is solely about defining themselves in relation to
others so they can choose their true self from an array of
possibilities before them.
• It is about finding and choosing their identity.
• Trying to answer the question- Who Am I?
• In order to do this teens begin a process of separating from their
parents. In order to stake out their independence, to discover who
they are apart from their parents and family. They need to start
thinking on their own, to discover their values and to make their own
decisions
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We now recognize that teens are not by nature especially focused on or
equipped to assess consequences of their actions. In the heat of the
moment the limbic system (where the amygdala is) lights up like a pinball
machine and the “good angel”-the prefrontal cortex, (in the frontal lobes)
which tamps down intense feelings & helps us navigate through emotional
situations, is essentially asleep.
Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from
bad judgment.”
-Mark Twain
What Does this Mean?
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This helps to explain teens often hair-trigger responses
They are having emotional responses essentially unmediated by judgement &
reasoning.
The prefrontal cortex is the home of “executive functions”
-planning, organizing, judgement, impulse control and reasoning.
Teens simply don’t have the pre-frontal cortex development, the judgment, to
consistently and appropriately regulate themselves. Kids know this, and know that if
their parents don’t, they simply aren’t paying attention.
In spite of the seemingly endless capacity of teens to be contrary, when parents are
clear about their expectations and set up consequences for noncompliance
then teens are actually more capable of adhering to parental standards.
Kids experience their parents’ lack of limit setting and lack of follow-though as a lack
of concern.
Sleep
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Inability to wake up in the morning is just their biology not passive aggression!
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The Circadian Rhythm (brain’s timing system) of their brain has changed from when they were young children and
their circadian rhythm dictated them to sleep at 8 or 9 p.m. Now their internal rhythm impacts them so they
can’t go to sleep before 12:00 or 1:00 a.m.
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Melatonin (the hormone which induces sleep) levels kick in much later in adolescents
& sometimes don’t peak until 1 or 2 a.m.
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Adolescents need 9.2 hours of sleep on average whereas adults need 7.5-8 hours
(1988 study from Brown Univ. Med. School.)
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The production of growth hormones is most intense at end of REM cycle of sleep.
REM stage only comes after intervals of non-REM sleep. Teens need more REM periods
because of their intense growth so therefore they need more sleep.
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Now known there is a burst of brain growth in adolescence and this impacts their need for sleep.
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Teens are chronically sleep-deprived because they are waking when the world dictates.
Sleep deprivation not only affects moods but current brain research tells us that new knowledge and skills are
committed to memory during REM sleep cycles. It also affects concentration and reaction time, motivation,
behaviourial control and exacerbates emotional issues & challenges.
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Go to school tired and unfocused. Since nobody wants to eat when they’d rather be asleep they are often unfed.
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Teachers tell you that late in the afternoon they begin firing on all cylinders!
Oh so Sleepy! It’s Not Easy To Fight Nature
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Don’t insist that they go to bed at a set hour-help them establish boundaries so they get the sleep
they so desperately need
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Slowdown activity in late evening- set a time to be in your room
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Establish a routine-hot bath/shower, listen to quiet music or read
to signal the body & mind that it is time to sleep.
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Keep technology out of the bedroom or turn it off at least
30 minutes before sleep time.
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No caffeine
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Catch up on weekends
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Don’t let them push their limits with
too early school starts, busy schedules and late night
cell phone usage.
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Check in to see if late night is the only time they can carve out for themselves.
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Make peace with long sleep-ins when they happen.
Getting them Up:
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Go in at least an hour before they have to get up and open curtains-natural light is a gentle way to
bring someone around from a deep slumber
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Very loud alarm set for 30 minutes before have to get up & place it somewhere they have to get
up to switch it off
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5 minutes before stern voice tell them it is time to get up & tell them you will not be coming in
again. Then leave them to it.
Girls in Adolescence
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Girls, in response to the call inside of them that it is totally
unacceptable to feel attached/dependent on parents choose
a different tactic than boys.
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Girls do not withdraw instead they fight.
In doing so they feel:
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“I am demonstrating, to both you and myself, that I am NOT dependent or loving
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Though she is disagreeing and criticizing she is nonetheless staying in contact
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Girls new sexuality does not work against them.
It does not have an “in the air, all the time, waiting to be attached to anything” quality.
Own sexual feelings do not intrude much on parents
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Usually the tie is stronger to the Mom and therefore requires more negativism to deny it
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It is especially with girls that parents tend to fell the supreme disruption of adolescence
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Girls can talk about their feelings-better at it, more comfortable with verbal interaction
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Argue to establish distance but takes away their security blanket & makes them so much less
confident on outside.
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They fight in order to maintain an ongoing relationship
Boys in Adolescence
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Boys seek to achieve a state of perfect passive pleasure
Go to his room, turn on music & come out 4 years later!
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Primarily because of his sexuality he chooses the absenting method
to deal with Mom & Dad
Keeps his sexuality separate from parents but it is very much a part of who he is so he keeps
HIMSELF separate
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Boys are private-do not like to talk
Boys rarely develop skills or emotional capacity to stay with strong VERBAL scenes
punch a hole in a wall instead!
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Boys learn the trick of saying “yes” but doing “no”
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Boys are often absent even when present-terminal lethargy, sleeping sickness
Answers are shortened to “ya” or “huh” or “wha”
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Future hangs over them like a dark cloud
Asks himself: “Do you really think you can make it on your own?”
These thoughts are disturbing so they seek to avoid them and you.
Boys’ & Girls’ Thinking in Puberty.
Puberty does have an impact on how teens think.
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Boys fairly predictably base their decisions on the question :
“Will this lead to sex?”
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When girls make decisions they are more likely to keep the social group and their place in it,
in their mind.
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Researchers found an onslaught of testosterone in both boys and girls at puberty
Which literally swells the Amygdala the brain centre associated with emotions
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Wild behaviour is predictable part of identity-formation process which accelerates dramatically in
adolescence
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Teens have a higher level of dopamine-the neurotransmitter connected to pleasure, movement
and sexual desire. This increases their need for extra stimulation through risk-taking
Two choices-to deal with your child turning from a
dog to a teenage cat
1. Continue to behave like a dog owner-after all your heart still swells
when you look at your dog.
•You still want its company and when you tell it to stop digging
•you expect it to behave.
•Only now you’re dealing with a cat so everything that worked before now
•produces the exact opposite of the desired result.
•Tell it to sit and it jumps!
•The more you get upset the more it moves away from you.
2. Learn to behave like a cat owner.
•Put a little dish of food by the door and wait for it to come to you.
•Do remember cat still needs affection.
•Be there to open the door for it, sit still and wait.
•Take up things that interest you and be cool as a cat yourself.
•One day someone taller than you will be in the kitchen and offer
to make you a sandwich and a cup of coffee just the way you like it.
You will realize that you raised a fine human being.
*Margaret Bonnano
Adolescence Unlike any other Period in Life
How wonderful is that!
“You don’t have to suffer to be a poet. Adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.”
-American poet John Ciardi
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Time of transformation
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Not a single event, but a number of major changes coming in a relatively short period
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Changes seem sudden- One day a child & next something quite different
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It is the start of true sexuality
Sexual feelings are unavoidable & these feelings change everything
The way they experience the world is changed forever.
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World becomes infused with incredible power & poignancy
Everything takes on a more desperate quality such as successes & failures at school & with
friends
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Thinking processes jump to a whole new level
Understand abstractions and the world becomes more complex
Feel exposed and vulnerable
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Adolescent has not had much experience in life.
See only day-to-day existence. No long term perspective-NONE
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Their feelings have undeniable power.
A power that makes adolescents, however troubling, very, very special
Your Teen’s All Consuming Task
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Your teenager’s main task is separating from you NOT offering you support.
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The continual push/pull between adults and adolescents comes not so much from disaffection
as from their chief task.
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Teen behaviour makes sense if you appreciate the role identity plays in determining that
behaviour. Understand that the way he/she behaves can be a window onto their emerging
identity-who they are. Their identity is evolving, it is not fixed in concrete, it is open to change, it is
a work-in-progress. Their behaviour is not self-destructive, crazy or dysfunctional.
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Parents may have to contend with all kinds of annoying posturing every time they ask “Where
are you going?” “When will you be back?” he payoff in terms of maintaining a healthy
connection, as well as helping to ensure their safety not only seems evident but is welldocumented.
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Actively monitoring, by parents, has shown to result in less drug use, less risky sexual behaviour,
and higher self-esteem. It is simply asking, keeping tabs and anticipating their return.
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Keep in mind that flexibility is a very important component of a healthy parent-teen relationship.
Flexibility is a form of communication not lax parenting or an opportunity to be manipulated.
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As parents, we need to hand over some of the responsibility and decision-making power to our
teens. If we do our job really well, eventually we will be out of a job!
To Promote a Resilient Identity You,
as a Parent, have to BE a Model of a Resilient Identity
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Resilient Identity
Aware of personal talents &
abilities
Accepts personal limitations.
Enjoys challenges & new
experiences.
Persists in the face of
difficulty or frustration.
Optimistic
Generally happy &
friendly.
Respects adults
Tends to be a leader or
an “individual.”
Trusts others.
Believes life has meaning &
purpose.
Able to prioritize needs and desires &
willingly makes sacrifices at times.
Regards personal crises as a
normal part of life &
does not take them
personally.
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Fragile Identity
Aware of personal limitations
& failures.
Ashamed of personal
limitations.
Fears challenges, avoids
new experiences.
Gives up easily.
Pessimistic.
Angry or depressed much of
the time.
Alienated from adults.
Tends to be a follower
or an “outsider.”
Distrusts others
Sees little meaning or purpose
in life.
Tends to perceive all needs
& desires as equal and finds
sacrifice painful.
Tends to feel victimized.
*In handout
Adolescence is an entirely different game.
•The rules and goals have changed drastically.
•You cannot do more of what got you through the previous 13 years of your child’s growth-functioning as a
manager.
•Often continue with more gusto and fervour which is met with resentment
•or become passive & virtually abandoning any role with the teen. No role=Minimal conflict
•Many of the adversarial aspects of the relationship stem from both the parent and the adolescent not
understanding and appreciating the essential shift in roles.
•You are simply fired, without notice or consensus, as a manager.
•You must work your tail of to get hired as a consultant and that is how it should be!
•It is a vital and essential shift as they embrace their independence.
•The shift to the consultant role will allow you to have a meaningful influence on your teen’s life.
Manager:
Arranging rides, appointments, play dates
Planning activities
Ensure child makes best decisions
Helping and checking with homework
Closely informed about school life
First person your child seeks out for answers
*now no longer focus of their admiration rather a scapegoat
for their confusion
*Michael Riera from: Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers
Consultant:
-offer advice & give input about decisions
when asked, don’t take over their
business
-help to develop their “decision-making
muscles”
-willingly give up the illusion of power
in favour of real influence
-consulting parent is NOT laissez-faire
often consulting is more demanding
& time consuming yet rewarding for
both the adolescent & parent
-do not take feedback personally, it is
more about them than it is about you
Parenting Styles
Moderate Coach:
• Support teen’s decisions to take on challenges & even encourage
him/her to do so
• Leave final decision to teen
• Offer advice or suggestions but usually only when asked
• Keep eye out for potential problems that might place your child at
risk
• Can be aggressive at times about protecting teen when you
perceive a dangerous situation brewing
Two Most Common Errors in Parenting Teenagers:
1. Treating them like children(over-parenting or over-managing)
2. Treating them like adults (under-parenting or abandonment)
Avoid #1 by understanding your new role involves much less
doing.
Avoid #2 by being present and actively listening.
Tips for Getting Your Teens to Talk
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Listen more talk less (10 x’s more)
*1200 teens asked: If your parent did one thing
differently that would make the greatest
positive difference what would that be? Most
common answer from 13-19 year olds
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Ask specific questions (particularly about
feelings) e.g. How do you feel about___?
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Make eye contact with girls and talk
sideways with boys
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Soften your voice
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Ask for more information
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Get curious, not defensive-if they say
something negative about you “I want to
understand you but to be honest I am not
sure I do YET.
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Empathize with how they are feeling.
Don’t challenge how they are feeling.
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Offer empathetic body language-nod your
head, put hand on shoulder
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Don’t attach your meanings to their
words.
“You’re so mad all the time Mom”-teen
“Well, sure I’m a terrible parent!”-parent
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Get comfortable with silence
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Restate what you are hearing-ask if you’ve
got what they are saying right.
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Ask them if they feel understood
Once they feel understood, let them know how
you feel-only after they feel fully understood.
Ask if they agree/disagree to keep them
engaged not tuned out.
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Thank them-affirm your appreciation of
them sharing with you
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Show affection
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Talk solutions-THIS IS THE LAST STEP!
Encourage them to think of ways to resolve their
problems. Negotiate a boundary with them.
You have final veto but you want them as
involved as possible in developing solutions
to their problems.
*Karyn Gordon, The Teen Years
*IN HANDOUT
Who Were You When You Were a Teen?
This exercise will help you come up with a thumbnail sketch of the identity that was forming inside of
you when you were a teen.
For each of the following dimensions, make a mark at the point between the two extremes that best
describes your sense of who you were: *in handout
Competitive_______________________________________Noncompetitive
Athletic___________________________________________Nonathletic
Aggressive________________________________________Docile
Rebellious_________________________________________Compliant
Confident_________________________________________Anxious
Social____________________________________________Loner
Risk-taker_________________________________________Cautious
Popular___________________________________________Unpopular
Attractive_________________________________________Unattractive
Optimistic_________________________________________Pessimistic
Adventurous_______________________________________Homebody
Strong____________________________________________Fragile
Special___________________________________________Ordinary
Happy____________________________________________Sad
Energetic_________________________________________Sedentary
Motivated_________________________________________Unmotivated
Creative__________________________________________Uncreative
Talented__________________________________________Untalented
“As you think about it, connect that emerging identity with how you
behaved, with your expectations for yourself, your goals and aspirations.
Perhaps you saw yourself as a creative, adventurous and competitive
person, and this led you to try new things and take chances. Conversely, if
you saw yourself as someone who was not particularly creative,
uncompetitive in most situations and cautious you may have chosen to play
it safe most of the time, regardless of whether that strategy really worked
well and made you happy, or left you feeling empty and frustrated.
As you reflect on it, you may also see how your view of yourself along any
of these lines was not fixed in concrete, but was something that evolved
over time. Your teenage daughter or son now is where you were then;
his or her identity is open to change.”
*In handout
*Taken from: Joesph Nowinski’s
The Identity Trap
6 Critical Life Messages to Pass onto Your Child
I believe in you
I trust in you
I know you can handle life's situations
You are listened to
You are cared for
You are very important to me
*In handout
What I Know for Sure
*In handout
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Adolescents need space to play things out in & a private life.
Give it to them
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Let them brood!
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They have to fall down and get hurt in order to learn.
Let them experience adversity.
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Need to stretch themselves in sometimes risky ways in order to grow
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It is important to be around a lot even though they push you away.
Stick around in the background & be available.
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Be reliable. Be consistent. Keep your word.
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Modelling your own resilient identity is crucial. It’s what you DO not what you say.
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It is not about you (the parent) Our children are not a reflection of us.
A child is someone to which we belong not a commodity belonging to us
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They are who they are in their own right. Respect that!
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You have to work at remembering what it felt like to be an adolescent.
What else I know for Sure
*In handout
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You must listen more than you talk.
Listen has Ten in it; listen 10 times more than you talk!
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Select your moments for talking-girls like eye contact, boys respond better if you are sideways i.e. in the
care
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It helps to be light hearted about their behaviour
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Cut them some slack- laugh a lot!
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Watch for the signs of derailing. Pay attention
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A family is a magnificent place for a child’s life to take hold and flourish
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The one central reality is that they need you.
Great Expectations Coaching
Michelle Keeley
Parent, Teen & Life Coach
[email protected]
416-450-0371
www.fruitionstrategies.com/teen
Teen & Parent Coaching Testimonial:
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“Michelle taught both of my boys for only brief periods of time during their primary
school years yet made an enormous impact on us all so quickly; we are no strangers
to her magical qualities. Her enormous emotional and intellectual intelligence,
wonderful sense of humour, as well as her genuine passion and talent for connecting
with young people are just a few of her traits that we were all touched by in a very
short time. Many years later, she was still the first person I thought of when facing
difficult sibling issues with my boys as teenagers, remembering that she was planning
to put her amazing skill-set to use as a coach. Her personal and professional
knowledge of the “teenage brain” was a crucial component in our progress, a quality
which I feel is sadly lacking in much of the family counseling profession.
Owing to her calm, compassionate demeanour and her ability to genuinely listen and
let the coaching session unfold without a rigid agenda, Michelle was able to guide the
boys to develop, and more importantly to own, their own unique practical solutions for
progress, an approach which made my kids feel like valued, invested participants in
their own conflict resolution. Michelle offers a rare combination of wit, wisdom and
respect, which any teen can and should embrace, if given the gift of opportunity.”
Lindsey Bickert
Parent of two teenage sons
PARENTING COACHING TESTIMONIAL
As soon as our son went into grade 8 we could sense the 'winds of change' coming in our direction.
Towards of the end of grade 8 (and his transition to grade 9) was a most challenging time for us. I
experienced a sudden power shift, rebellious arguments, chaos and no amount of reasoning
would make things better. Mornings would just start with arguments from choice of clothes, music
and hair styles that were not acceptable to me. I could feel a big wide gap coming in between my
son and me.
In the middle of this rift I met Michelle, who made me realize I had totally forgotten to LOVE my son.
She helped me to accept the change....today I am not as full of doubt as I was. Things are
gradually getting better. I am loving the new found relationship with my 14 year old son. We go
out for movies, SOMETIMES, we both enjoy each other's company - because Michelle coached
me to respect his point of view.... today he walks with me along with the funky hair cut with
grooves in the side (which to me is so too brassy) but at least I am comfortable that he is closer to
me.
Michelle helped me find a medium accord, she indicated how to pick battles: choice of Mohawk hair
cut or tattoos on the arms!!
My mental well being is much better, and though he wears (those awful) low-riding trousers, I still feel
as if I have the control of the relationship...because we have started talking to each other.
Today, I am committed to my children and understand and respect their space and needs. I might not
be quite there yet but at least I know when and where to stop and then when to pickup myself and
GO!!
Michelle, you are a God-Send for the Khan Family.