Transcript Document
Caring for Yourself So You Can Care for Others Dan Crystal, Psy.D. WSBA Lawyers Assistance Program June 9, 2012 Today... How to set boundaries with high conflict personalities before they leave you drained. How to recognize compassion fatigue in yourself. Identify positive and negative coping strategies in your life and make some goals. The Dilemma Difficult clients are not why you became an attorney. A lot at stake for your clients. You may become attached to outcomes. They are likely to become attached to you as well. Clients don't generally understand what you do. HCP Assessment Bill Eddy JD, LCSW Your clients, in general, have grown up the victims of difficult circumstances. Have had to fight to get their share. Personality Disorders People who don't see the impact they have on others. HCP Disorders: Antisocial, Narcissistic, Borderline You are not going to be able to change these people. Signs of an HCP Either volatility or dependency will appear early. Cognitive Distortions: Jumping to conclusions, emotional reasoning, projection, splitting, discounting the positive. The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling & Contempt. Connecting with an HCP Use EARs: Empathy, Attention, and Respect. Acknowledging their distress rather than reacting to it. Just label what you're hearing. Show that you care: "I'd like to help you with your problem. Keep it Simple Give them small tasks to do. Reality testing. Educate about consequences. Build up their efficacy. Support their strengths. Advocates HCPs have poor problem solving skills--seek advocates. Negative Advocate--Believe lies, attack their enemies, escalate conflicts, protect from natural consequences. Often an HCP. Positive Advocate--Avoid assumptions, investigate problems, provide support and information, avoid taking all responsibility, do not work harder than their clients. Explaining Reality Depersonalize challenges in their case. Explain your responsibilities in terms of external factors: "the law requires that I..." You are not responsible for the outcome. You are responsible for the standard of care. Focus on the relationship. Boundaries The professional relationship is a win-win relationship. Practice EARs but you don't had to listen forever. No abuse. Be careful to engage with these clients professionally, but not personally. Boundaries 2 Fee agreement to structure conversation. This what I'll do, this is what you'll do. How you will respond to requests. Time frame. In conversations, notify how long you have to speak. Blamespeak Emotionally intense and out of proportion. Very personal--about your intelligence, sanity, decorum, etc. It's all your fault. The speaker has not context. Ignores all of the good work you've done for them. Often shared with others. Blamespeak pt2 Sickening on a gut level. One is often compelled to respond. Remember it's not personal. We take things personally when we agree with what's said. You don't have to defend yourself. This will exhaust you. Remain calm, flexible, and creative. They are pulling for a tete a tete. Joe vs. Jane Joe: “Jane, I can’t believe you are so stupid as to think that I’m going to let you take the children to your boss’ birthday party during my parenting time. Have you no memory of the last six conflicts we’ve had about my parenting time? Or are you having an affair with him? I always knew you would do anything to get ahead! In fact, I remember coming to your office party at the last job and witnessing you making a total fool of yourself in front of everyone – including flirting with everyone from the CEO down to the mailroom kid! Are you high on something? I think you have a personality disorder! Haven’t you gotten your finances together enough to support yourself yet, without flinging yourself at every Tom, Dick and Harry? ...” [And the email goes on like this for about 2 pages.] BIFFs Brief--Just a few sentences. You can have a friend edit it. Informative-Addresses topic at hand rather than accusations. Point out inaccuracies once. Friendly-"Thanks for your email...." Firm-the way forward "I need to know by x date...." BIFF pt2 Professional, anxiety management, doesn't sacrifice self. Don't point out everything they've done wrong. Don't nitpick inaccuracies. Be prompt, but not too prompt. Silence may be interpreted as agreement. BIFF Pt3 No admonishments: Interpreted as personal attacks. No advice: Interpreted as "talking down" to your clients. No apologies! Interpreted as admission that this is your fault. Fits into an all or none view of situations. The goal? To set boundaries, phase out, or end the relationship. Joe vs. Jane Jane: “Thank you for responding to my email request to take the children to my office party. Just to clarify, the party will be from 3-5 on Friday at the office and there will be approximately 30 people there – including several other parents bringing school-age children. There will be no alcohol, as it is a family-oriented firm and there will be family-oriented activities. I think it will be a good experience for them to see me at my workplace. Since you do not agree, then of course I will respect that and withdraw my request, as I recognize it is your parenting time.” [And that’s the end of her email.] Role Play Practice the scenario on the attached piece of paper. Self-Care Remember it's not about you. Everyone makes them feel this way. Don't let them shape the conversation. They can speak about their needs and you can speak about yours. Remind yourself why you do this work. Mission statements do help in these moments. Vent to a friend. Caring for Yourself So You Can Care for Others Pt. 2 Your Schedule • Provides predictability and control. • The schedule is the first key to sanity. • Not just for appointments! • Schedule good things into your day. Frequently Interrupted? • Phone? Email? Staff? • Are you literally working on two matters at the same time. • Anxiety occurs when we don’t understand our arousal. This can happen when we respond to numerous signals. • Leads to impaired concentration. Procrastination? • Do you feel mistreated by your job? • The difference between avoidance and re-charging. • Replace “Have To” with “Want To” • Replace “Finish It” with “Begin It” Under Pressure? • Had a vacation in the last year? • Been to the doctor lately? • Do you have time to address your health (exercise, good nutrition, rest?) • Do you have time for those who matter to you? • Are you “sucking it up” or ignoring internal sensors telling you your life is out of balance? Hopeless? • Does work feel relentless and without solutions. • Feel powerless to change your circumstances? • Negative beliefs? • Hopelessness: one of the best predictors of depression. • Simply asking for help is a huge part of recovery. Mood • Do you discover that you’re in a bad mood only after you’ve been stressed for a while? • Knowing it is half the problem. • What calms you during the day? Going outside for lunch, or maybe taking a walk? Closing your eyes for a few minutes to recharge? Taking time to enjoy good weather? Lunch with colleagues? Attached to your clients/practice? • Do you have a take-charge or a crisis worker mentality? • Do you get confused between meeting your clients needs vs. meeting your own needs? • Therapy may be the best setting to explore these conflicts. Compassion Fatigue Do your clients and their problems exhaust you? Are you taking on your client’s stress? Thinking about their problems at the end of the day? Do you feel “numb” at the end of the day. Drained. Compassion Fatigue (cont.) • Self doubt (in your own effectiveness as a lawyer, or a person, a partner, a parent, etc). Self doubt tends to be a slippery slope. • Sleep disturbances • Chronic anxiety • Sense of futility or pessimism (about people, about “the system”) (Reasonably synonymous with “Burnout”) • Lethargy • Social withdrawal • Irritability • Higher rates of physical illness • Self medication • Compromised cognitive functioning Taking the job home? • Are you distracted? Struggle paying attention? • Quiet, crabby, or drained? • Do others get it? • Are you able to explain to those around you why you are feeling that way? It can take the pressure off. Sleep Hygiene • No exercise or eating 2 hrs before bed. • No music or television before bed. • No intense or personal conversations before bed. • Not working or spending too much waking time in the bedroom. • Are you ready for tomorrow? All packed? • Are you “winding down” your energy level before bed? Negative Coping Strategies Positive Coping Strategies Self-criticism Affirmation/Encouragement Alcohol Exercise Taking on more work Taking on more work Shopping Shopping Eating Cooking Television Finding time to unwind Too much technology Therapy Please write down 2 negative coping strategies and two positives and share them with your neighbor. The goal of this conversation is to commit to taking one thing out of your life and bringing one thing into your life? Work/Life Balance The place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet. –Frederick Buechner Balance is About Values • What’s important to you and why. • Where do you see yourself in 5--10--15 years. • When you’re nearing retirement and looking back on your career what do you want to see? How will you feel thus far about the choices you’ve made. Give Yourself a Break • Lawyers can be very self-critical. • Law school trauma? • Each person in this room, I’m sure, has been intently self-critical about some facet of their life. I encourage you to pause at some point today, identify something you’ve been very self-critical about. And give yourself a break.