Transcript Mentor Mid-Year Training - Big Brothers Big Sisters of

Big Brothers Big Sisters of
Central Arkansas
Site-Based Staff:
Amanda May, Site-Based Manager
Email: [email protected]
We love to hear
what you do with
your Little & pass it
along to other
mentors!
Audry Stanisor, Site-Based Specialist
Email: [email protected]
Kenny May, Site-Based Specialist
Email: [email protected]
501.374.6661
We want to thank
you for the
difference you are
making!
1.
Take into account
your Little’s school schedule.
2.
Try to schedule your visit during a
time that’s convenient for both of you!
3.
Be flexible when you
can since things do come up at
schools such as field trips,
standardized tests, etc. and this
may change your visit time.
5.
If you and your Little’s
teacher cannot agree on a good
meeting time, please call your
BBBS Staff Person to assist you!
4.
Your Little may be
absent sometimes, but please
remember that it is not their fault!
One of the best ways to build trust is to help youth accomplish
something that is important to them.
Mentors must take the time to help youth identify the goal(s) they want to
accomplish, view it realistically, break it down into small steps and explore
ways of reaching the goal.
Building trust takes weeks, sometimes months.
Testing will occur.
Youth may be slow to give their trust, expecting
inconsistency and lack of commitment, due to past
experiences with adults. The mentor’s trustworthiness
and commitment may be tested, particularly when
youth are from unstable backgrounds where adults
have repeatedly disappointed them.
During the testing period,
Mentors can expect:
•Unreasonable requests
•Angry or sullen behavior
•Phone calls not returned
Once the mentor passes the test, the real
work of the relationship can begin. Mentors
should remember that the issue is not
whether you like them. Youth are
protecting themselves from disappointment.
From their perspective, not having a
relationship at all seems better than trusting
and subsequently losing someone.
These young people may come from families
where nothing can be taken for granted.
•People living in the household may
come and go.
•Frequent moves occur during the
course of a year.
•The phone may be turned on and off.
Remember, predictability breeds
trust. The mentor must be
consistent and accountable:
•On time for meetings
•Bring promised
information/materials
•Follow through on promises and
contracts that were volunteered
One misstep, though it may seem small
to the mentor, can assume great
importance to the youth. Through this
difficult process, mentors need to be
prepared, to understand, and to
refrain from personalizing the
experience.
When young people are allowed to express their feelings, particularly their
negative feelings, it offers them a safety valve, which like the safety valve on
a boiler, prevents it from exploding.
Allowing a youth to release feelings also prevents exploding. If your Little is
systematically taught to keep negative feelings bottled up, he or she cannot
get them out of his or her system.
Young people cannot discriminate and hold back only negative feelings
without putting down positive feelings as well.
If they are not allowed to express negative feelings in words, they will come
out in some form of antisocial action.
Youth who are not allowed to express their negative feelings usually grow up
to be adults who cannot express their negative feelings either.
Give them the freedom to express all of their feelings
as a child!
Youngsters very desperately want us to
understand how they feel.
Unfortunately, many do not get this understanding from their parents. Not
that the parents are cruel or unfeeling. Rather they are not able to let
their children know they understand how they feel because nobody
taught them how to convey this kind of understanding.
Many parents have not learned the importance of LISTENING to their
children and empathizing with them.
Mentors can use communication skills to help their little overcome these
barriers.
The essence of the technique is simple. You are doing three
things whenever your Little expresses his/her feelings:
1. Listening carefully to what your Little is saying.
2. Formulating in your own mind what your Little is expressing.
3. Repeating back to him/her in your own words the feelings they have
just expressed to you.
1. Make your
communication
positive.
2. Be clear and
specific.
5. Accept your
Little’s feelings
and try to
understand
them.
8. Learn to
listen.
12. Listen for a
feeling tone as
well as for
words.
3. Recognize
that each
individual sees
things from a
different point
of view.
6. Be supportive
and accepting.
9. Maintain eye
contact.
13. Ask
questions when
you do not
understand.
4. Be open and
honest about
your feelings.
7. Do not
preach or
lecture.
10. Allow time
11. Get
for your Little to
feedback to be
talk without
sure you are
interruption;
understood.
show you are
interested in
what they’re
14. Set
saying.
examples rather
than giving
advice.
The differences between these two approaches are significant; they will
affect mentors’ relationships with their Little and Little’s ability to reach
their fullest potential.
Major Differences between the two:
Giving Advice
•Little is passive, possibly resistant
•Cuts off further exploration of problem
•Often premature
•Little doesn’t learn
•Can impose mentor’s solution on little’s
problem
•Does not encourage self-esteem
Little Solving problems
VS
•Active Little
•Opens lines of communication
•Eliminates timing problem
•Little learns
•Solutions belongs to Little
•Fosters self-esteem
When is Giving Advice Appropriate:
If the mentor is an expert in a particular field, the Little may benefit from the
mentor’s specific knowledge and advice.
If the Little is “stuck” after going through the problem-solving process, mentor can
give advice about how to proceed.
How to Elicit Values, Needs &
Wants
Useful Questions to Clarify
Outcomes
•What is important about achieving this
particular outcome?
•What do you really want in this
situation?
•What is important about this outcome
to you?
•What are all the ways you can go
about getting what you want?
•Who/what can you use as resources to
get what you want?
•Who do you know that has already
achieved this outcome, and how do
they do it?
•Is this outcome possible to achieve?
•Can the outcome be initiated and
sustained by you?
•Is this outcome consistent with who
you are?
•Considering what it will take and the
possible consequences, is the outcome
worth doing?
•How will you know that you have
achieved your outcome? What will you
see, hear, feel or experience to know
that you have achieved your outcome?
•If you get what you want, what will
this do for you?
Your Little may be unsure whether the feelings
and information they disclose to their mentors
will be passed on to teacher, parents, etc. Early
in the relationship, mentors must provide
reassurance:
•Nothing that the Little tells the mentor will
be discussed with anyone else except the
BBBS Staff Person
•If the mentor feels it is important to involve
another adult, it will be discussed first with
the Little.
•If there is threat of physical harm to the
youth or to others, the mentor must break
confidentiality to seek protection for the
endangered person (including the threat of
suicide).
1.
Talk to your Little about your
time together and explain that hanging out
together and being friends doesn’t mean you
buy things for each other.
2.
Make sure you don’t “give in”
and buy/give things to your Little on a
regular basis because they may come to
expect that and this is not your role.
3.
Talk to your BBBS Staff Person so that
they can remind your Little that you are not there to
buy things for them every week. We talk to your
Little on a regular basis and we’re comfortable
talking to them about these types of issues.
*ACTIVITY SUGGESTION*
Talk to your Little about money in a
way they can understand and explain
to them about budgeting, bills and how
money isn’t an unlimited supply.
Create a pretend budget with your
Little to help them understand the
concept better!
1st Step:
Is this an ongoing situation or do you just need to miss one
week?
This is
ongoing. I
don’t think
I can go
every week.
2nd Step: Can you visit
your Little 2 times a
month?
YES
NO
3rd Step: Consistency is
the key! Call your BBBS
Site-Based Staff to
discuss other options to
prevent your Little from
being let down.
I just can’t
make it one
week, but it
won’t
happen
again.
2nd Step: Call the BBBS SiteBased Staff to let them know and
explain to your Little why you
can’t be there that
particular week.
3rd Step: Contact your BBBS Site-Based Staff to let them know
and do one of the following:
1. Switch to our Community-Based Program.
2. Schedule your closure meeting with your Little before your
match is officially closed. (This helps our Littles understand
that the closure is not because of something they did.)
1st Step:
Do you do the same activity with your Little every week?
YES
2nd Step: Try mixing things up!
Kids can get bored easily,
especially kids suffering from
ADD/ADHD. Do you want to
know how to mix things up?
No, I
have
my own
ideas.
NO
2nd Step: Do you do schoolwork
with your Little for the entire
hour or most of it?
YES
NO
YES
3rd Step: Ask your Little what their interests are. If they don’t have
much to say, name off a few activities to see which ones interest them.
*ACTIVITY SUGGESTION*
Make a list of activities you both would like to try & cross them off
as you do them. You could select a new activity per week or per
month to try new!
1st Step:
Is your Little suspended?
YES
2nd Step: Contact your BBBS
Site-Based Staff to make them
aware. They will contact the
school to get details about why
your Little was suspended and
notify you when your Little has
returned to the school.
NO
2nd Step: Was the situation an isolated
incident?
YES
3rd Step: Spend part of
your visit talking with
your Little about their
behavior, the incident and
discuss ways they could
have acted more
responsibly/appropriately.
Discuss “consequences”
with them!
NO
3rd Step: Contact your
BBBS Site-Based Staff
to set up a meeting
with them and the
Little’s counselor so
that we can develop a
plan to assist the Little
in improving or
eliminating their
behavior(s).
1st Step: Ask your little:
“do you want to share our time with your friends/classmates?”
YES
2nd Step: Explain to your Little:
“This is special time for just you
and me to hang out so your
friends/classmates can’t come
along every week. Maybe once a
month we could invite one of them
along if you want to do that, but
not every week.”
NO
2nd Step: Ask yourself: “Do my
Little’s friends/classmates try to
come along with us every week?”
YES
3rd Step:
•Let your BBBS SiteBased Staff know
•Move to a location
where the
friends/classmates
are not
NO
3rd Step: Tell the
friends/classmates:
“This is my special
time with your
friend and the rule
is that it can only
be the two of us
together.”
1.
Exchange phone
numbers with your Little!
2.
Write letters to your Little
and provide them with stationary
and stamps to write you!
3.
Exchange email
addresses if your Little has access
to it; but do not forward emails to
them!
Stay in touch with your
Little over the breaks
(winter/spring/summer)
by phone or mail!
This will help strengthen
your friendship!
*ACTIVITY SUGGESTION*
Give your Little a journal to write
about what he/she does when the
two of you are apart and you can
do the same. Then exchange them
and read about each others’
adventures the next you’re apart!
We hope that you found the information helpful
as you continue your journey as a
Big Brother or Big Sister!
Thank you for all that you do!
Please take a moment to let us know
you completed this training, by
emailing:
[email protected]