Creating Respective Relationship in Homes and Schools

What do you want

for your children

?

Mistakes are opportunities to learn

Morning hassles Work ethics, time management Fighting Temper tantrums Lying, stealing, cheating Conflict resolution Communication skills Courage, responsibility

What have you tried?

Mr. Punishment

Long term results of Punishment Resentment:

“This is unfair” “I can’t trust adults”

Rebellion:

“They can’t make me”

Revenge:

“I’ll do what I want” “I’ll get even and hurt back

,

even if it hurts me”

Retreat: ₋ Low self-esteem:

“I must be a bad person”

₋ Sneaky:

“I just won’t get caught next time”

What else is there?

Kind

AND

Firm

Validate feeling, show understanding. and follow through •

I know you want to stay with your friend,

And it ’s time to go.

• I know you would rather

watch T.V than do your homework,

and the homework needs to be done.

• • • I know you don’t

want to pick up your toys

, and what was our agreement.

You don ’t want to go to bed,

and it ’s time to sleep. Do you want 1 or 2 stories once you put on your pajamas?

I know you don ’t want to brush your teeth,

and we ’ll do it together? What to race?

Competent Giant

When we know better, Why don’t we always do better?

What happens?

How does our brain work?

When our kids misbehave We become

AFRAID that: • • They will be

“monsters forever.”

• We are

“not doing our job.” “children will get away with it.” We cannot think rationally

Punitive time out Naughty corner

What do you think this child thinks, feels and decides?

Children do better when they feel better

To help your child cool off; you need to cool off first.

What can help you cool off ?

Cooling off time

What do you think this child thinks, feels and decides?

My Child won ’t listen ” ...

كل تلق ةرم ماك “

Asking

Vs.

Telling

•

Asking creates a process of thinking and searching in the brain

.

• Curiosity questions invites cooperation, and the child feels capable.

• Telling stagnates thinking.

• Telling creates physiological resistance in the body.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM YOUR CHILD?

5 Criteria of Positive Discipline 1. Respectful.

2. Helps the child to feel belonging and significance.

3. Effective long-term.

4. Teaches life-skills.

5. Empowers.

There isn’t any parenting tool that works every time for every child.

That’s why you need many of them.

Nurture

Help the child feel

Belonging and Significance Help him blossom

You can guarantee to do your best, but you can ’t guarantee the results!

Feelings

Using feelings effectively

Belief behind the behavior

The child tries to find the answers for 3 questions: 1. Who am I?

2. What the world looks like?

3. What should I do to survive and thrive? (how to belong and be significant?)

Then he sends us a coded message ….

Break the Code

I belong when I’m noticed

Child Belief Reminding doing things Adult Behavior Annoyed, worried, guilty Who should break the cycle ?

Adult Feeling Child Goal Child Behavior I will keep them busy Keeps asking for things

The Child’s goal is:

Mistaken Goal Chart If the parent /teacher feels: And tends to react by: And if thechild’s response is: The belief behind the child’s behavior is: Coded messages Undue Attention

(to keep others busy or to get special service) Annoyed Irritated Worried Guilty Remindin g Coaxing Doing things for the child he/she could do for him/her self Stops temporarily but later resumes same or another disturbing behavior I count (belong) only when I’m being noticed or getting special service. I’m only important when I’m keeping you busy with me.

Notice Me – Involve Me Usefully

Parent/teache r proactive and empowering responses include:

• Redirect by involving child in a useful task to gain useful attention.

• Ignore (touch without words) • Say what you will do. “I love you and ------.” (Example: I care about you and will spend time with you

Connection before Correction

No body is perfect Positive Discipline is not about being a perfect parent Sometimes you feel good about being a parent Sometimes you feel defeated and not knowing what to do

Working for improvement is healthy, perfectionism is not.

4 Rs of recovery from mistakes.

1. Recognition Realize that you made a mistake “I made a mistake” 2. Responsibility Take responsibility for your part of the conflict “I yelled at you instead of telling you my feelings ” 3. Reconciliation Apologize: “I’m sorry for treating you disrespectfully and for any hurt I may have created.

” 4. Resolution Work on an agreement of what both of you can do that will be respectful and effective if the problem occurs again, or what either of you can do to fix any damage that might have been done.

Things often get worse before they get better Usual Parenting Effective Parenting

parents can help parents

Make a Fist

Winning over Children Winning Children over

• • • • •

Creates a struggle.

Creates a winner and a loser.

Short term effect.

Negative life skill.

Produces rebellious or submissive children.

• • • • •

Invites cooperation.

Both sides are winners.

Long term effect.

Positive life skill.

Produces good character.

How can I Help my child?

Consequences

Natural Consequences

• • •

Happen naturally with no adult ’s interference.

•

When you don ’t eat; you get hungry.

Avoid saying anything that will add MORE shame, pain or blame.

Show empathy and understanding.

•

No rescuing or fixing.

I GOT WET

Logical Consequences

• •

Require adult intervention.

Should help the child learn life & social skills.

•

When appropriate; follow the Four Rs:.



Related



Respectful



Reasonable



Revealed in advance when possible

Focus on Solutions

Solutions should be: 1. Related 2. Respectful 3. Reasonable 4. Helpful

Enabling Vs.

Empowering

Enabling is ..

Getting between young people and life experiences to minimize the consequences of their choices.

You are Enabling when you: 1. Do /give them too much.

2. Bribe and /or reward.

3. Over protect (physically and emotionally).

4. Lie for them.

5. Punish / control.

6. Lecture.

7. Blame and shame.

8. Live in denial.

9. Rescue /Fix

Empowering is ..

Turning over control to your kids so they have power over their own lives and can learn from their mistakes.

Empowering is when you: 1. Show faith.

2. Respect privacy.

3. Express your limits 4. Listen without fixing, discounting, or judging.

5. Decide what you will do with dignity and respect.

6. Follow through with kindness and firmness.

Empowering continued…..

7. Let go off their issues without abandoning them.

8. Make agreements.

9. Love and encourage.

10. Ask for help..

11.Share your feelings.

12.Do joint problem solving.

13.Use respectful communication.

14.Give information instead of orders.

15.Encourage learning from mistakes.

Choices

What does giving choices teach?

Practice creating choices

Agreements first then Follow Through

Four Hints for effective Follow- Through: 1. Keep comments simple and concise. “I notice you didn’t tidy up your room. Please do it now.

” 2. In response to objections; ask, “What was our agreement?

”.

3. In response to further objections, shut your mouth and use nonverbal communication. Point to your watch. Smile knowingly. Give a hug and point to your watch again.

4. When the child conceals to keep the agreement (sometimes obviously annoyed) say, “Thank you for keeping our agreement.”

My Way You Way

Children do what you do, not what you tell them to do

.

Parents can help parents

.

Continuum of change

Labeling

Focus on strengths

A Misbehaving Child is a Discouraged Child

How to encourage my child?

Routine Chart

Love Cup

Please be seated

Cooperative Juggling

Family Meeting

Family Meeting Agenda

• • • • • • • • •

Compliments Challenges Evaluate last week ’s solutions Focus on solutions for this week ’s challenges Special Event Meal Planning Calendar Family togetherness event planning Family Fun

Family Fun

See the Change You Want to See in People…

• • • • • •

Why become a parent educator?

Changing your personal & professional life 24 hours workshop Training on how to lead workshops Reading PD book You will be assigned activities to be presented in front of your group – receive thorough feedback