Transcript Diapositiva 1 - Supporting Families in Mental Illness Taranaki

Breaking the Silence: Young
Men’s Experiences of Losing
Close Friends to Suicide
Supporting Families in Mental Illness New Zealand
Suicide: Is it Time for Openness?
Conference
31 October, 2014
Chris Bowden
PhD candidate: Graduate School of Nursing, Midwifery and
Health
Lecturer: School of Education
http://www.victoria.ac.nz/education
Victoria University of Wellington
[email protected]
The Need to Talk
• “The bereaved will always want to
talk. Most of the time they will be
disappointed” (Ironside, 1996, p.132).
• “Both sides [the bereaved and their
conversation partners] have to
overcome the ‘fear of talking’, ie, the
insecurity, awkwardness, and
constraints involved, and must be
encouraged to talk and listen”
(Jakoby, 2014, p.18).
Barriers to Accessing Help
• 94% of suicide bereaved indicated a need for help to
manage their grief, but only 44% received help and only
40% of those who received professional support felt
satisfied with it (Wilson & Marshall, 2010).
• Current support groups and programmes may not be
accessible, appropriate, or even effective in supporting
the suicide bereaved.
• Stigma and societal norms about suicide may also create
barriers for the bereaved that could prevent them from
seeking social support or mental health services (Calhoun
& Allen, 1991).
Is There a Silence around Suicide?
• Talking about loved ones is vital for
healing, but stigma poses a barrier to
healing process (Young et al., 2012).
•
•
•
•
Who’s is talking?
Who is listening?
Who’s voice is not heard?
Who is not part of the conversations
about suicide?
• Who’s narratives, accounts and
perspectives are missing from the
research?
Silent and Invisible
• “For many men, keeping their
true inner lives silent and
invisible is not a game or really
even a choice. It is a highly
ingrained way of life; a survival
strategy learned early on that
has helped them to avoid the
torrent of shame that often
rains down on young boys
(and men) when they let their
vulnerable sides show” (Addis,
2011, p.14).
Masculinity and Mental Health
• There have been calls for more:
1. qualitative research into men’s health and wellbeing, in
particular mental health (Addis & Cohane, 2005; Oliffe &
Phillips, 2008).
2. research on young adults experiences and in particular young
men’s experiences and expression of grief (McNess, 2008).
3. Research that explores traditional and alternative
masculinities and how these shape health behaviours.
• Hegemonic masculinity (traditional notions of what it means to be a man)
– prescribe that men show emotional reserve, stoicism and engage in
autonomous action. This may discourage men from talking, seeking help
or socially expressing emotion which are seen as part of femininity
(McNess, 2008).
3 Forms of Silence in Men
1. Personal silence (inability to describe emotions) “Without
words for mood”.
2. Private silence (unwillingness to discuss one’s emotional
state)
3. Public silence (discouragement from discussing emotions
through public shaming or ridicule)
•
•
These become self-reinforcing and self-destructive.
Boys are taught from an early age to follow the normative
but harmful masculine stereotype of the stoic, self-reliant
and silent male (Addis, 2011).
An Example of Men’s Silence in
the Research
• Bartik, Maple, Edwards & Kiernan (2013)
– Interviewed 10 young adult survivors of suicide (ages 18-29
years).
– 8 females and 2 males.
– 96% of suicides experienced were male (only 1 female suicide).
– Some experienced multiple bereavements by suicide.
• Findings: Meaning making, feeling guilt, risky coping
behaviour, changes in relationships with friends
• No analysis of how gender influences the process of
meaning making, emotions and their expression,
engagement with risky coping or social relationships.
Other Research Gaps
• Young people exposed to peer suicide and suicidal behaviour are more at
risk of suicide, health compromising and risk taking behaviour (Cerel et al.,
2005).
• There are a lack of studies that differentiate between peer-suicide and
friend suicide (they have mixed-relationship design or mixed-cause of
death design). Emotional closeness is an important variable in shaping
grief (Servaty-Seib, 2009).
• Few studies focus on young adults’ experiences of suicide bereavement.
• The perspectives of men (in particular young men) are often missing from
the discourse on grief, loss and suicide bereavement.
• McIntosh and Jordan (2011a) argue that a “bottom-up” approach can have
a significant impact on the development of new research questions, the
interpretation of research, and the design of intervention programmes.
Research Aim
• To collect, document and analyse the experiences and
interpretations of young men aged 18-25 years who have lost
a close friend to suicide.
• The study will contribute to:
– A better understanding masculine perspectives on grief
and bereavement;
– New ways of understanding how these young men are
‘being-in-the-world’;
– How young men make sense of the interpersonal loss of a
close friend to suicide;
– Help advance understanding of the health needs and
behaviours of men, and
– Inform the development of male-friendly health services.
My PhD
• What does it mean for young men (1725 years) to lose a close friend to
suicide?
•
•
•
•
Research Questions:
What are their experiences?
What is it like for them?
How do they make sense of (interpret)
their experiences?
• What meanings do they ascribe to
their experiences?
• Methodology: Interpretative
(Hermeneutic) Phenomenology.
• Data Analysis: Paul Ricoeur and
critical phenomenology
Interpretive (Hermeneutic)
Phenomenology
• Aim is to get rich and deep account
of a phenomenon.
• Focus is on uncovering the hidden
meaning rather than on accuracy.
• Amplification of meaning.
• Acknowledges difficult bracketing
and attempt to make implicit
assumptions explicit.
• Accepts the idea that there are
many possible perspectives on a
phenomenon and many possible
meanings.
How has Phenomenology Shaped Data
Collection?
• Data – the experiences of men aged 17-25 yrs.
– These can be known by listening to people’s
descriptions of what their subjective world is like for
them, together with an attempt to understand them
from the point of view of the experiencing person.
• By engaging with people who have lived through the
experience, then that experience can be better
understood by the researcher (Cutcliffe & Goward, 2000).
• Recruitment - Participants with lived experience of
phenomena (e.g., have lost close friend to suicide, 6mths
– 3 years).
Phenomenological Interviewing
• Shapes the types of questions asked (e.g., Tell me about
your experience).
– “I want to understand your world through your eyes and your
experiences so far as possible, and together we can probe your
experiences fully and understand them”.
• Entering into an intimate dialogue or conversation in order to
make the hidden meanings visible, to develop a deeper
understanding and to check understanding.
– Through this process both the participant and researcher’s
understanding of the phenomena is changed.
• Intersubjectivity – the process of several people coming to
know a common phenomenon, each through his/her
subjective experience and relating their experiences to each
other.
The Men: Participants
Participant
Age
Time Bereaved
Time Known
Friend
Ethnicity
Friend
Cam
19 yrs
1 yr
7 yrs
NZ/European
D1
Rome
19 yrs
1 yr
5 yrs
Māori
D1 & D2
Fuss
17 yrs
1 yr
12 yrs
NZ/European
D1 & D2
Jamie
17 yrs
1 yr
17 yrs
NZ/European
D1
Allan
25 yrs
3 yrs
8 yrs
NZ/European
P
Logan
25 yrs
3 yrs
10 yrs
NZ/European
P
Mike
25 yrs
3 yrs
3 yrs 4 mths
NZ/European
P
Heldane
22 yrs
2 yrs 10 mths
4 yrs
Samoan/European
K
Who They Lost
• Close Friends were
described as family or like
brothers, they shared
interests, history, activities
and experiences. They
encouraged, supported
them and were genuine
and loyal.
“I like to think that he was
more like my brother pretty
much, real close” (Cam).
“He’d stick up for you (Fuss).
Yeah (quietly) (Rome). Always
stick up for you no matter
what” (Jamie).
“He was one of those friends
that’s always there for
you…always there for support,
text, ring him, whatever. He
would always get back to you.
He was always there for me no
matter what” (Heldane).
The Experience of Loss
• The loss of their friends
led to the experience of
being gutted.
• Being gutted meant
losing access to their
friend, but also having a
part of themselves and
their imagined futures
taken from them leaving
them being changed.
• It also meant missing
their friend.
• “Gutted. Yeah, disappointed…I was
thinking this thing’s shit” (Rome).
• But with D it more was I was gutted that
I wasn’t going to be able to hang out
with him again, talk, do anything.
• “It would be kind of like losing a sibling
in a way. Just growing up with him”
(Fuss).
• “I’m not going to meet anyone like him
again” (Rome).
• “It felt like a part of my childhood was
taken from me” (Fuss).
• ‘It will never be the same” (Jamie).
Initial Grief Reactions
•
•
•
•
•
•
• “It was a shock. No one expected it…I couldn’t
get it, because he did not seem like he would do
that sort of thing. I didn’t believe it, I kept
thinking I’ll just text him he’ll text back and just
that kind of thought. I didn’t even want to believe
it” (Cam).
Shock
Disbelief
Disappointment
Anger
•
Confusion
Unprepared
“From that point up to the funeral it didn’t really
register…I was thinking the whole time, this just
isn’t right. This is all wrong” (Mike)
• “Unexpected except we knew it would probably
eventually happen. He’s tried to commit suicide
several times before and he was noticeably
getting worse…we expected it but the actual
having to go through it was completely different”
(Logan).
Saying Goodbye At FuneraIs
• Funerals were
rituals and
spaces for:
– Honouring the
dead
– Showing
respect
– Sharing
stories
– And realising
the finality of
death
• “It’s all about celebrating that person’s life
and then saying goodbyes” (Allan).
• “Seeing it go and knowing he’s in there. And
you realise that once it’s in the ground, that’s
for real. He’s gone…Putting him in the car
was the hardest bit seeing him go, but it was
the best feeling every knowing I was carrying
my best mate” (Cam).
• “People were upset and in shock but it still
wasn’t really registering in a big way with
people until the funeral. I think the funeral
was where it sort of became real for
everyone” (Mike)
• “Even when he was getting buried I couldn’t
go to that eh. Because like I was just freaking
out, my mate being like in a box in the
ground you know. That shit cut me
up”(Heldane)
Lecturing at Funerals
• Funerals were
also spaces
where they, their
friends and other
survivors
experienced
disrespect from
• adults (teachers,
whaia, kuia) who
said insensitive
things and
lectured them.
•
“When they started bagging him and saying you
shouldn’t have done it. He’s done it and the family
knows that he shouldn’t have done it. But they didn’t
need to bring that up at the funeral” (Cam)
•
•
Rome: ‘Teachers eh. Real disrespectful!”
Rome: Just making it worse on the kids. Like one of
them going “he lived his life on the edge, and then he
fell”. Like this is what happens. Talking down to us”
Fuss: “Like gave us all a lecture. We were trying to
recover”
Rome: “It’s supposed to be about celebrating his life,
not blowing up and telling us like this is what you get
and shit. …Like you want to talk about him in a good
way not run him down”
Fuss: “What they were saying was making it worse”.
Jamie: “Especially in front of his mum”
•
•
•
•
Why?
• The men struggled
to understand
suicide and tried to
find out the facts
around the suicide
but often
constructed it as a
choice.
• Understanding
seemed to help
them let go of
anger towards
their friend.
• “Shit is always going through my head. I
want to know why. Always thinking about
what I said or could have done. Yeah you
can’t do anything” (Fuss)
• “Well you spend years with your friend,
you’d want to know why or what
happened to led to that. You just need to
know. It’s something you just have to
piece together.”(Allan)
• “Like why did he decide that it was his
time. He could have thought it through a
bit more. I think it was fear, he was
panicking. Prison would scare the crap
out of me.” (Cam).
• “I think he felt trapped… probably thought
that his mate got the easy way out and so
he can too” (Jamie).
Sadness & Crying
• “Kind of felt empty, like cold, don’t know
• The men found it
what to do, just sitting there fucking kind of
difficult to put into
sad” (Fuss).
words how they felt.
• Sadness came from • “Like you have moments when you forget
feeling empty and
that he’s gone and then you realise he’s
gone forever. You’re never going to hear
from a lack of
his voice or see him again, sad” (Fuss).
accessibility.
• Grief and crying was
often experienced in • “There’s sadness because there’s a lot of
things I would have liked to do with him”
private.
(Cam).
• Sometimes when you are on your own, you
just have a little cry and you feel a bit
better afterwards” (Cam).
Permission to Show Emotion
• Some of the men • “Then D was standing next to me, I didn’t
want to cry in front of him because I thought
were supported by
he’d give me shit for being sad. So like I
other men to cry
just don't want to cry in front of your mates.
and show emotion.
But then he kind of just like tapped me on
the shoulder and said “It’s all good” and
then he started crying too so I was like oh
yeah” (Fuss).
• “Like people (guys) were crying, and like
you can cry yourself. It just changed me.
Like fuck, its hard to explain man, but just
seeing other males cry I guess” (Heldane)
Anger
•
• Anger was a
legitimate
emotion for
men to show
and was often
directed at
others.
•
•
•
“More angry that he was gone. Angry that I couldn’t see
him again” (Cam).
I think about it a lot. I usually get quite defensive or I
jump on the offensive and it usually results in anger.
When she said that it was all your fault, it was all you
and [other friends], it was all you guys who didn’t help
him. You know that really pissed me off. …The way that
it was handled made me angry. The fact that P was
actually dead made me really upset (Allan).
“They’d be, “Bro He’s a coward. I don’t know how you
can support him” that’s what people would say and like
Fuck them! I wanted to give them hidings…Then I’d
hang out with myself and just be angry. Fuck I would go
to course and this guy told me to fuck up and I went and
punched him in the face” (Heldane).
“No one wants to see their bullshit on Facebook. Just go
talk to someone instead. Don’t go fucking telling people
you’re going to do it if you want their attention. Just go
fucking do it” (Jamie).
Manning Up
• Manning up to the
loss and grief enabled
men to adhere to
traditional ideals of
masculinity.
• But some of the men
also challenged
traditional ideals by
giving and receiving
care.
• Strategies used to man up
and cope included:
– Withdrawal and grieving in
private (including rituals)
– Avoiding and escaping
– Blocking and burying
– Holding it in and controlling
emotions
– Staying stoical, silent and
strong
– Keeping busy
– Caring for their mates
– Carrying the pain
Withdrawal
• I just shut down, went into hibernation, I just
stayed in my room for two straight days…I
guess I was trying to forget. I didn’t know how
to take it, fuck, I just pretend like it didn’t
really happen” (Heldane).
• “In a way you kind of keep distant from
people. I feel it crazily but I wouldn’t show it.
And if I did show it, it was with myself.”
(Cam).
• “I was so pissed off and I didn’t want to talk to
anyone. I just went into my room because I
was just so angry and exhausted from all the
emotion and all the rush and the adrenaline.
And then it kind of sunk in. Yeah that’s when I
had a meltdown. You know you lose
someone who you’ve known for so many
years and you just can’t handle it” (Allan).
Avoiding, Escaping, Blocking It
& Burying It
• The men used a
number of
strategies to
escape their pain
and/or hide their
vulnerability, which
often ha negative
consequences for
them and their
relationships with
others.
• “Drink more piss. That will solve
everything” (Jamie).
• “I was basically seven days drinking, total
emotional wreck…It’s not something
that’s easy to talk about for guys. It’s a lot
easier just to bury it somewhere because
I can function better when I just bury it
and try not to think about it” (Mike).
• I just held it in and I felt it just would build
up and build up and then I just lose the
plot and (pause) just massive temper
attack (Cam).
Holding it In and Controlling Emotions
• “Holding things in because I’ve always found if
I just hold it in it will be right, it gets better”
(Cam).
• “Guys have to have control and if they cant talk
about it without any strong emotions coming
through, I don’t think they would….one of my
fears is god I hope I don’t cry at this, it looks so
bad you know” (Mike).
• “I think its just looking like a female, having
those emotions. I think that’s the main thing,
everyone’s just scared to look like a bitch. So
yeah that’s what I was scared of...My mum
always wondered what was wrong with me. I
couldn’t tell her because I knew I would cry
again and I hate crying” (Heldane).
Staying Stoical, Silent & Strong
There were times
and places for
silence and talking
and they felt the
need to stay strong
for others.
• “When we were at the cemetery everyone just
kind of kept in their own little groups and had
their head down. And you heard [their friend’s
mother’s] tears and we just all went silent. It
was horrible. I think all his close mates were
feeling it too. We didn’t say much” (Cam).
• “You just get over it sometimes. You just think
that’s enough talking. Just stubborn, I don't
know, I just felt I can cope with it by myself.
But I think it takes talking to kind of come to
terms with it” (Cam).
• “Showing emotion is showing weakness and I
don’t like getting sympathy from people. It’s
just easier for me to do it on my own” (Cam).
• “They wouldn’t want us to cry though. Just try
to keep strong so everybody else is strong”
(Fuss).
Keeping Busy and Hanging Out
• “I hung out with my mates because we all felt the
same” (Rome). “Hang out and drink” (Fuss).
• “Girls just like to be sad together. Us guys would
want to go and do stuff like he used to” (Fuss).
‘Yeah, we wont just sit at home and cry” (Jamie).
• “You don’t want to sit there being a sook all day,
you want to harden up” (Fuss)
• ‘We go do what we used to do, drive around and
shit” (Fuss). “Yeah keeping busy I reckon is the
way to go” (Jamie).
• “It gets a bit easier when you’re busy all the time”
(Cam).
Rituals and Remembering
• “We were at the skate park most of the night,
• Remembering
just lighting fires and that because that’s what
their friend was
he was in to, he liked to skate” (Fuss).
painful but the
• “It’s not so much sad feelings any more it’s
men engaged in
more the just memories and kind of coming to
activities/rituals
terms with him going. Yeah, you can go and
see him [at the cemetery] and have a chat, tell
that helped them
him stuff if you want. I just sit down, talk, go see
remember and
him. I tell him that I miss him, bring up old
maintain
times, mostly. Most of the time I just sit there in
continuing bonds
silence too, sitting there thinking, put my music
– these often
on. I tried remembering the good memories
instead of letting the “he’s not going to be here
occurred in
anymore” memories take over.” (Cam).
private and were
considered ‘men’s • I just keep the memories close, got photos, got
videos, I just keep the memories in my head.”
business’ .
(Allan).
Care and Protection
• “Because we all go through the same shit,
• Part of the men’s
there’s five of us. So we all relied on each other.
experience was
We stayed at this house for like a week or two
and just started talking about him, that just made
caring and being
us tighter” (Heldane).
cared for by other
• “I told my cousin and I stayed with him for a
men.
week and we just chilled and I was alright”
• This often involved
(Rome).
hanging out with
• “Yeah it’s simpler “Are you good? Man”. And
mates, talking
yep. Leave it. It gives them an opportunity to
say if they’re all good or not.” (Cam).
about their friend,
• “I talked about it with all these guys that I didn’t
and checking in
even know. I trusted them with something that’s
with each other.
so big in my life and then they didn’t break up
• This challenges the [laugh] or anything. It was all good because all
ideal that men don’t of them were there to support me. Yeah it was
just being around the boys” (Heldane).
show they care.
Talking to Family
• “I don’t want to tell them anything about
me because my family is hard out
judgemental. And that’s pretty shit. Id
rather tell my friends because I don’t
think my family would get where I’m
coming from”(Heldane).
• “My parents, they don’t really like to talk
about (pause) they did talk to me when it
• The men wanted to talk
initially happened but then as time went
to family but often
on they kind of (pause) stopped talking
found it hard to. Not
about it. So I didn’t. I’m not one to bring it
talking protected their
up so I stopped talking to them about it”
mums and partners
(Cam).
(from worrying too
• I talked to him [his cousin] because I had
been thinking all of that shit and it was
much).
getting to me. He was just like “Oh just
• Being with family
come over and stay with me”. So I stayed
members was easier
with him for like a week. And we just
than talking.
chilled and I was alright (Rome).
Talking to Friends
• The men found it easier •
to talk to a select group of
friends who they trusted •
and who knew their
friend.
• They will share up to a
point.
• They found other friends •
soon stopped talking
about their friend and
wanted to moved on.
“If I was going through a tough time
I’d talk to my close friends. Not like
some f*cking random person” (Fuss).
“They need to know him. They need
to, because if they knew him then
you can kind of talk about how you’re
feeling and then maybe they’re
feeling the same too and they’ll tell
you that” (Cam).
“You talk about it a little but after the
funeral it kind of went down and
everyone just didn’t want to talk
about it. People are like “We’ve
already talked about this. What’s
wrong with you?”, you know. “Why
are we still talking about this?”
(Allan).
Talking to Counsellors
• The men found it
easier to talk to
counsellors and
support people who
understand traditional
ideals of masculinity
and:
– Demonstrate
genuineness
– Participate in a
conversation
– Get to know them
and their friend
– Focus on solving
problems
• “You don’t know if their concern is genuine…if
someone’s getting paid to ask questions, I
don’t know if they care or not. I don’t think I can
open up to someone unless they happen to
reveal a piece of their own history” (Mike).
• “You know get that vibe some people they just
think of show that they’re listening but they’re
not really. Talking to some else or you need to
know the person to understand it” (Cam).
• “I just don’t like talking about what I think or
feel” (Logan).
• “I don’t like counsellors. They don’t do anything
for me. I’d rather talk to my mates or family.
They [counsellors] always ask how do you feel.
What do you want to do? And all that shit. Get
the fuck out of here!” (Jamie).
Talking to Counsellors
• The men
appreciated
counsellors who,
helped them deal
with guilt, who
listened or
helped them take
control of their
emotions and
took a problemsolving
approach.
•
“At the same time she kind of annoyed me about
what she said about P, about the reason he killed
himself. I just didn’t think that was true….but once we
got past that, she was more helpful …and she said
Do you blame yourself” and I said “I did” and she said
“Don’t blame yourself if you feel you could have
stopped it. It was still going to happen. So she put a
lot of things into perspective” (Allan).
•
‘Even is someone just listens to you. They don’t have
to give you an explanation or a solution. It’s just
venting” (Allan).
•
Talking to someone who, I went to EAP. They don’t
know what kind of person he was. Even when you
explain that to them they didn’t get quite get it. I
wanted to switch counsellor because I didn’t feel like
this person as getting it. Eventually she just said ‘OK
we’ll just deal with the problem at hand” (Allan).
Silence is Not Always Bad
• The men found talking
about their inner world and
experience difficult
because they don’t have
the words.
• Silence can be a strategy
for avoiding painful
emotions and maintain
control.
• But silence can promote
intimacy.
• The presence of others can
communicate ‘mattering’.
• “Just nodded at them and
then just do it back. And it’s
like yeah we’re alright”
(Rome).
• “I hung out with my mates. I
just stay with my mates
because we all felt the same”
(Rome).
Changes & Transformation
• The men
experienced a range
of changes:
– In peer
relationships and
social network
composition.
– The experience
brought friends
closer or tore
them apart.
– Changed their
view and focus
towards life.
• “Yeah, we don’t see Zak any more”
(Jamie).
• “All the group has fallen apart. He did
bring some glue to the group” (Allan).
• “It makes you stronger” (Jamie).
• “It’s part of our lives now. I never thought I
would be doing it though” (Jamie).
• “When I saw the impact it had on his
family and his friends, I thought I cant do
this to my family. So I felt like in a way, he
kind of saved me…I feel really bad that it
took his life to save mine” (Allan)
Greater Appreciation of Life
• The experience
meant the men
developed a
greater
appreciation for
life, increased
sensitivity and
empathy towards
others.
• “Like if we have a bad day look at all
those fucking little kids in Africa and
shit with no money. We should be
grateful for what we have, we don’t
have a disease or mental illness or
nothing. Got it sweet at home, got
Mum and that” (Fuss).
• “You pay slightly more attention to
what’s going on with people” (Logan).
• “I didn’t really think much of it until it
happened and then I knew what he
went through…then I thought, fuck,
now I know what you’re talking about”
(Jamie).
Growing Up and Autonomy
• “It’s bad because he’s like killed himself and you’ve
lost a real good friend. But it’s good because it makes
you realise that you haven’t got that much time on
earth to fulfil what you’re meant to fulfil. You’ve got to
go get it now because you never know when anything
will happen to you or if you will ever feel like this. You
know it made me grow up a lot” (Heldane)
• “Now you know that the world is not all a bunch of
beautiful colours. The world is not a pretty place.
When someone close to you just thinks the world’s
not good enough anymore it just paints a picture for
you.” (Allan).
• “It’s time to grow up eh. I came back different eh.
Like I just started looking at everything different. Like
everything was still there from how I left it with D and
that, it was still there when I got back. But I realised
I’m the only one that can change. I can’t change what
happened but I can change myself” (Rome).
Carrying On
• “We still get up to the same, but without
him. You’ve just got to enjoy it while
you’re young and keep doing what
you’re doing. Just do it for him, carry
his legacy on. Just keep going” (Fuss).
• Carrying on involved
accepting loss,
integrating grief into
their life story and
personal narrative.
• “Coming to terms, just realising there’s
• It meant continuing to
nothing you can do. It happened and
live life the way the
move on. I can deal with it now, like I
always miss him but I can carry on
dead would want them
now, can keep going.” (Cam).
to.
• Taking active role and
• “I still miss him. You still get upset but
not being positioned
at the end of the day you just got to
as a passive victim.
move on. Just remember that he was a
good friend” (Allan).
Carrying Them Forward
• An important part of their
experience was carrying the
memory of their friend with
them into the future and this
meant holding onto pain.
• For these young men being
able to bare the pain of
losing a close friend to
suicide through manning up
is an integral part of their
transition to adulthood what it means to grow up
and become a man.
Meeting the Needs of these Young Men
• Respect as young people and respect as men –
someone who understands stoicism, anger and
rationality (and marginalised masculinities such as
being emotional, crying and caring) (e.g., good male
role models who can model healthy grieving).
• A safe space in which to be themselves, to talk or
maintain silence.
• To be heard - someone to actively listen to them
without judging what they have to say or not say.
• Expert companioning vs. treatment.
• Presence - someone who can ‘be with them’ in their
grief and communicate that they ‘matter’ in their
presence.
• Someone who can join a conversation with them and
help make sense of their experience (Neimeyer,
2006; Neimeyer, Burke, Mackay & van Dyke Stringer,
2010).
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