Transcript Slide 1
Critical Skills in Conflictual Communication
Course Objectives
Listen non-defensively in high pressure conflict situations.
Speak assertively and define boundaries in conflict.
Describe barriers to communication in conflict and identify qualities of effective communication in conflict situations.
Differentiate constructive/destructive communication patterns in conflict situations.
Conflict Cycle
Beliefs & Attitudes about Conflict
(reinforces)
Consequence Conflict Occurs Response – what we do when conflict occurs
Community Board Program, Inc. 1990
Conflict is…
an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive …
Incompatible goals.
Different processes / routes to a goal.
Interference from another party in meeting their goals.
Scarce rewards/ resources.
Win - Lose
you vs. me victory or defeat personalized narrow viewpoint poor listening judgmental independent of each other closed-minded positional compliance
Win – Win
lots of options explore interests interdependent relationship focused process valued de-personalized mutual air time active listening promoted
Common Problems in Conflict Management
Researchers have identified several problems that typically arise in conflict situations. 1. Parties will simply avoid the conflict. This can be damaging, because it can lead to greater problems in the future. It is usually best that the individuals discuss their differences.
Gouran, Dennis, W.E. Wiethoff, & J.A. Doelger. (1994). Mastering communication. 2nd ed. Boston: Allyn and Bacon.
Common Problems con’t.
2. Individuals involved in conflict may blame the other individual. Often, individuals go beyond the specific behavior in question and blame the character of the person. When people use words such as, "He's such a slob," they are engaging in blame the other behavior.
3. A final problem that is often encountered in conflict management is adopting a win-lose mentality. Focusing on each individual's goals/outcomes will help avoid using a win-lose strategy.
Gouran, Dennis, W.E. Wiethoff, & J.A. Doelger. (1994). Mastering communication. 2nd ed. Boston: Allyn and Bacon.
Win/ Win Conflict Resolution
Win/Win conflict resolution strengthens relationship and builds understanding.
Win/Win strategies of active listening and assertive expression help overcome the defensiveness inherent to problem solving.
People explore underlying interests, rather than surface positions, ‘real’ problems are addressed, and effective solutions are generated.
Win/ Win Conflict Resolution
It tends to generate many possible options, rather than two opposing positions.
People feel like they have participated in the process of problem-solving, and are committed to the solutions.
Shifting Perceptions
defend judgement legislate point of view learn curiosity educate viewpoint
Supportive Climate
Description: presenting ideas or opinions. Problem orientation: focusing attention on the task. Spontaneity: communicating openly and honestly. Empathy: understanding another person's thoughts. Equality: asking for opinions. Provisionalism: expressing a willingness to listen other the ideas of others.
Conflict Model
T
one
I
ssues
N
eeds
O
ptions
Conflict Management Model
1. Creating a Constructive Tone Goals:
To set a positive tone which will encourage collaborative behavior.
To acknowledge that differences (conflict) exists and gain commitment to work towards a resolution.
“Are we willing to work together towards a resolution?”
Conflict Management Model
2. Clarify the Issue(s) Requiring Resolution Goal:
To clarify what the parties need to resolve.
“What areas do the parties need to leave with an agreement on?”
Conflict Management Model
3. Explore Needs Goal:
To ensure both parties mutually understand each other ’ s needs on the stated issue(s).
“What is important to us?” OR “What needs do we have that we are looking to meet in a solution to this issue?”
Conflict Management Model
4. Problem-Solve Goal:
To find a solution which meets both parties’ needs to the greatest degree possible.
“ What option can we find that will meet our needs to the greatest degree possible ?”
Achieving Balance
Listening Assertion
Communication ‘Spoilers’
Criticizing Name-calling Diagnosing Praising Evaluatively Ordering Threatening Moralizing Excessive/ Inappropriate Questioning Advising Diverting Logical Argument Reassuring
Achieving Balance
Listening Assertion
Shift your internal stance from “
I understand
” to “
Help me understand
from that.
”…. everything else follows
-
Source Unknown
Shift Judgement to Curiosity
Instead of asking yourself...
“
How can they think that!?
” “
what
?
Ask yourself...
I wonder information they have that
I don’t?”
“Nature has given man one tongue and two ears, that we may hear twice as much as we speak.”
- Epictetus, 108 A.D.
“Conversation in North America is a competitive exercise in which the first person to draw a breath is considered the listener.” Nathan Miller
10 Commandments
Stop talking Put the speaker at ease Show you want to listen Remove distractions Be patient Manage your anger Go easy on argument and criticism Empathize Paraphrase Ask questions
Active Listening
Listening doesn't mean sitting still with your mouth shut. It is an active process that requires us to participate – burn some calories! To fully understand another person we usually have to: prove our understanding; ask questions; and give feedback.
Active Listening Techniques
Encouraging Paraphrasing Empathizing Open Questions Reframing Summarizing
Achieving Balance
Listening Assertion
Nonassertion
is failing to stand up for oneself, or standing up for oneself in such an ineffectual manner that one's rights are easily violated.
Aggression
is standing up for oneself in such a manner that the rights of the other person are violated in the process.
Assertion
is standing up for oneself in such a way that one does not violate the basic rights of another person. It's a direct, honest, and appropriate expression of one's feelings and opinions.
Assertiveness
Positive and neutral intent.
Equalizing or balancing power.
Acknowledging what is important to them.
Expressing what is important to me.
Workable and fair solution Honesty versus “Don’t mess with me”, or silence.
Assertive Expression
1. Your perspective of the situation (what you think or perceive).
2. Your feelings about the situation, its effect on you.
3. Your preference/ needs/ priorities regarding the situation.
“You” - Statements
Definition:
Blaming, judging, or attacking the other person.
“You” statements start with “You”, and “You” statements generally will trigger a defensive response.
“I” - Statements
Definition:
A way of giving information to someone else about your own opinions, feelings, observations, and needs in a non-threatening, non-judgemental manner.
“I” statements simply start with “I” and express a personal feeling or reaction.
‘You’ or ‘I’
“You” Statement “I” Message
1 “You’re wrong - you don’t know what you’re talking about....” 2 “Lighten up, will you?” “In my opinion, I think that....” 3 “Don’t wear that dress - it looks stupid on you.” “I would appreciate it if the stomping around the house would stop.” “I’m feeling anxious that our friends will think I’m not a good parent if you wear a short dress like that...”
‘I’ Messages
THOUGHTS
judgements, beliefs, attributions, inferences, interpretations
FEELINGS
mad, sad, glad, scared, etc.
SENSES
see, hear, touch, feel, taste
BEHAVIOURS
past, present, future actions
INTENTIONS
needs, motives, desires
Responding Assertively
The Six ‘F’ Formula
Facts
Feelings
Fallout
Fair Requests
Follow-Up
Feedback
Describing Behaviour
1. Describe the behaviour accurately.
2. Specify the right behaviour.
3. Watch inflammatory language.
4. Watch use of generalizations.
5. Watch the use of adjectives and adverbs.
Request a Change in Behaviour
1. Be specific.
2. Be clear/direct.
3. Be positive.
Responding to an Angry Person
1. Manage your responses.
2. Seek to understand.
3. Demonstrate understanding.
4. Allow the other person the right to his or her own point of view.
Nonverbally attend.
Nod affirmatively, pay close attention, do not crowd the person.
React calmly, but demonstrate concern and interest.
Say only enough to show your acceptance of and your attention to the angry person.
Self-Awareness
What causes me the most difficulty in communicating is...
Things I know that I can do to assist me with this challenge are to: Communication behaviours/skills which I need to… Stop Start Continue
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