Transcript THE PAMPERED CHILD SYNDROME

THE PAMPERED
CHILD SYNDROME
Maggie Mamen, Ph.D.
Psychologist
REQUIREMENTS FOR PHYSICAL
AND MENTAL HEALTH
Sleep
Good nutrition
Exercise/fresh air
Attachment/nurturing
Safety and security
PARENTAL
RESPONSES
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But we can’t get her to go to bed …
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But he’s a very picky eater …
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But she doesn’t like sports …
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But he just won’t switch off the TV/video games/
computer/MSN …
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But we don’t like to say “no,” because she gets SO upset …
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But if he doesn’t get what he wants, he hits me …
PARENTAL GOALS …
to raise children who
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are comfortable and happy
are stimulated and enriched
have fun
can make their own choices and be independent
are included in family decisions
are given reasons for what they are asked to do
are treated equally and fairly
can express their feelings and be heard
feel loved and appreciated
have positive self-esteem
MESSAGES RECEIVED …
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I should never be unhappy
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I should never be bored
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If it’s not fun, I won’t do it
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No one can tell me what to do
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Adults should always consult me
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I won’t do anything unless there’s a good reason
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I should be treated the same as adults
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I should only do things I feel like doing
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If I want it, I should have it, and if you love me, you
should give it to me
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I should always feel good about myself
WHY WE PAMPER …
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Backlash from authoritarian parenting, parent
“blaming”
Political events in 60s and 70s
“Love is enough”
Children’s rights
Legacy of “abuse”; focus on self-esteem
Child-centred parenting/teaching philosophies
“It takes a village …”; parenting “experts”
Marketing, advertising, “nag” factor
HOW WE PAMPER . . .
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spend money, give material goods
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do everything for our children
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try to compensate with extra attention
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make excuses for poor behaviour and protect them
from the consequences of their choices
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give in; say “no” but do “yes”
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try to be their friend
PAMPERED CHILD SYNDROME
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Exaggerated sense of entitlement
Self-focussed; demanding of adult attention
No recognition of authority, boundaries
Difficulty with impulse control
Lack of self-discipline
Low threshold for discomfort
No resources for dealing with
disappointment, failure, loss
Little guilt, remorse, empathy
Signs/symptoms of major psychiatric or
psychological disorder
“DIFFERENTIAL DIAGNOSES”
 Behaviour Disorders
 Oppositional Defiant Disorder
 Conduct Disorder
 Attention Deficit Disorder
 Depression/Bipolar Disorder
 Anxiety Disorder, School Refusal
 Childhood Obesity
 Learning Disabilities
BALANCING THE MESSAGES …
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Short-term pain for long-term gain
“Out of boredom comes creativity”
Some issues are not negotiable; sometimes there is
no choice
There are times when children should be seen and
not heard
Rights, privileges … and responsibilities
Life is not a democracy
Who said life is fair?
“Because I said so”
means “You can trust me”
WHAT ELSE WE
CAN DO …
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Be careful not to judge; there but for fortune …
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DARE TO PARENT! Take back our families
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Decide what our values are and teach them
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strive for fairness, not necessarily equality
teach altruism, empathy and compassion - yes, you can!
remember that saying “no” will not damage self-worth
Set boundaries so that children are safe
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say what we mean, mean what we say – builds trust
allow chosen and promised consequences to happen
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Be on the same team – parents, teachers,
caregivers, professionals; UNITE THE “RIGHT”!
Stop being afraid of our children
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even if we are, we pretend we are not
trust children to handle their negative feelings
Be a parent, not a friend; parenting is a
vocation, not a popularity contest
So that our children can …
“Know their faculties”
“Test their strengths”
“Train for real life”
Alfred Adler
AND REMEMBER ... when it
comes to making a difference
whether you think you can
or
whether you think you can’t
YOU’RE RIGHT!