Transcript Authority in the family:jomo

Marriage is the foundation
of the family
Strathmore School
Parents seminar
Relationship between couples
• This is core of family relationships
• Children are greatly determined by how
spouses relate to each other
• A couple that is united and constantly
working on their relationship achieves more
than one that is not
A stable nest
• A stable, peaceful home creates
stable children
• Parents need to be committed to
each other and to their children
Children with two parents do better
• They have higher test scores and grades
• Because they have a sense of security hence are
open to learning
• They miss fewer days of school
• Eat more regular and balanced meals
• Have a higher quality of mental health
• They dream of finishing school and joining
university
• They have a 7-20% higher chance of finishing
university
• Avoid pre-marital sex and childbearing
• They are likely to avoid crime, drugs, alcohol
Children with one parent or
divorced parents
• Report less than 50% class attendance
• Have a 70% higher chance of being expelled
from school
• Their parents are called to school more often
because of indiscipline or behaviour problems
• As young adults they have a higher chance (1.52.0 times) of being out of school or out of work
• They have a higher chance of
– premarital sex
– Child birth
– Having a child out of wedlock
– Of not having a successful marriage
We need both a father and a mother
• A father can never adequately fulfill the role of a
mother
• ..and a mother can never adequately fulfill the role
of a father
• Each gender brings vitally important and unique
elements to a child’s development
• This essential mix is absent in single parent homes
We need both a father and a mother
• Parenting is a true partnership between husband
and wife
• Fathers should have an equivalent parenting role
with mothers
• Different and complementary roles
Marriage….
• is a rich personal resource for parents and
children
• ensures children have better physical and
mental health
• produces healthy children who do not
overburden the health care system
• protects children from poverty and abuse
Marriage….
• Helps them stay away from criminal behaviour
• ensures children have a better future because
they get good grades, graduate, get good jobs
• protects the society from “bad elements” in the
society
• ensures our children’s will marry and stay
married!!
The marriage myths
• The grass is greener on the other side
• I need to change my spouse
• I should have married my soul mate
• That I cannot be happy in marriage
Grass is greener on the other side
• Of course it is greener……
• ..but when you cross over you realize
it is artificial turf
• I made a mistake, I should have
married so and so
• It is the devil’s lie
I will change my spouse
• You cannot teach an ”old” dog new
tricks
• Most likely your spouse is your
opposite
• You both have different personalities
• This was what attracted you in the
beginning
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But it is hard
• Of course it is hard…
……because you are focusing on the
things you do not like about your spouse
• How about more focus on the things
that you like about your spouse more
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List of things that you cannot
change
1. Gender
2. Communication differences
3. Up-bringing/childhood/school history
4. Personality
5. Training/ career
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I did not marry “my soul mate”
• He/she would have understood me better
• Who really knows me
• I do not have to explain too much...s/he just
knows
• My soul would know her and I would know her soul
• The term soul mate as we know is
a creation of Hollywood….
20
A soul mate?
• No human being can enter your soul….only God
• A life mate is something that you become
• Be understanding, loving, available to your spouse
• Become that person you want to see in your
spouse
• ….and your spouse will become your “soul” mate
• Be present and available in your marriage
21
Are people still interested in getting
married?
• Ninety-eight percent of never-married survey
respondents said they wanted to marry
• and 88 percent said that marriage should be a
lifelong commitment
• Asked to select their top two goals, a majority of
Americans included a happy marriage as their
first goal
22
To be happy, shouldn’t you just stay
single??
Research in 17 nations found that married men and
women report significantly higher levels of
happiness than unmarried people
A survey of 14,000 adults over a 10-year-period
found that marital status was one of the most
important predictors of happiness
It showed 40 percent of married individuals said
they were very happy with their life in general
compared with just less than 25 percent of those
who were single or cohabiting
• The separated and divorced were the least happy
group
• Married people reported the highest levels of
well-being, regardless of whether they were
happily married or not
• The married had higher self-esteem, greater life
satisfaction, greater happiness and less distress
• Married people were wealthier had more financial
resources
• It is a myth that single adults lead happier lives
Women are oppressed in marriage
• Are radical feminists correct in asserting that
marriage was instituted for the benefit of men,
and that it is oppressive to women physically,
emotionally and economically?
• Stable marriage has substantial positive,
emotional and psychological benefits for women,
and it dramatically improves the well-being of
children
25
• Married women experience lower levels of
violence, poverty, depression and emotional
problems, enjoy better sex lives and live longer
than single women
• While marriage enhances well-being for both
genders, married women scored higher than
married men on measures of perception of wellbeing
• Wives typically gain greater financial advantages
from marriage
26
“… Being married is like having somebody
permanently in your corner, it feels limitless, not
limited.”
Feminist Gloria Steinem, after marrying for the
first time at age 66, People Magazine
27
Is sex outside of marriage better than
married sex?
• Surveys show that husbands and wives are more
satisfied with sex than sexually active singles
• Forty-eight percent of husbands labeled sex with
their partner “extremely satisfying emotionally,”
compared to just 37 percent of cohabiting men;
• 50 percent of married men found sex physically
satisfying compared to 39 percent of cohabiting
men
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• For women, 42 percent of married women and 39
percent of cohabiting women said they were
“extremely satisfied emotionally” by sex with
their partner
• After controlling for age and other differences,
married men and married women were
substantially more satisfied with sex than
cohabiting or single men and women
29
• Marriage provides:
• Proximity
• A long-term contract
• Exclusivity
• Emotional bonding
• Security
30
• Are couples that cohabit (live together)
similar in all respects to married couples?
• They could be together for economic gain or to
raise their children together
• However their level of commitment is not the
same and they often do not stay together for life
• This has a negative impact on their children
• Their children are also unlikely to marry
31
• Men and women are distinctly different
• they are not interchangeable units
• A father can never adequately fulfill the role of a
mother and a mother can never adequately fulfill
the role of a father
• Each gender brings vitally important and unique
elements to a child’s development
32
• This essential mix is absent in single parent homes
• Parenting is a true partnership between husband
and wife
• Fathers should have an equivalent parenting role
with mothers
• Different and complementary roles
33
I can treat him/her however I want
• No you cannot treat him anyhow
• Do you have some annoying habits that make
life miserable for your spouse like
• Being rude
• Not keeping time
• Squeezing the toothpaste in the middle
• Buying unnecessary things
• Criticizing your spouse in public
• nagging
34
How to change an annoying habit
1. Accept that you have such a habit
2.Realize it
3.Change it…be patient it takes time
4.Check it and keep working on it
• Its easier said than done….
• It takes one month to acquire a virtue
35
I should not have to ask……..
…do I need to keep repeating things????
Yes…he/she cannot read minds
•
•
•
•
Just ask the question!
But suggest it do not demand it
Give time for thought or decision making
Be willing to accept something less than you
asked for
• And give gentle reminders if they forget
36
Remember….
• The more you push the more I resist
• The more you nag the less I hear you
• The more you demand the less I feel
appreciated
• The more you command the more I resent it
• You need to actively listen
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• Listen by
• Maintaining eye contact- give full attention
• Putting away the newspaper, unplugging the
TV
• Do not make judgements
• Give your full attention
• Positive body language
When your feeling nagged to talk
• Your spouse is always asking “can we talk..”
• Avoidance is the easiest solution
• But if offers temporary relief
• It means that you have lost your friendship
• The only contact you have it to tackle
difficult situations
39
When your feeling nagged to talk
• Find time to do things you used to
enjoy together
• Ask HER when she least expects it
“what do you really need?”
• Friends communicate better than
enemies do
40
Select the right time!
Select the right time!
• Certainly not on a Monday morning
when the pressures are high
• There is a time for everything
• Likely on a Friday evening or Saturday
morning
• Maybe late night “bombs” should be
avoided
…. effective communication
• Try taking a meal away from home and
children
• Or a weekend get away
• Stressful environments are
communication killers avoid the office,
car environments
Select the right SETTING
• Genuine communication is clouded by
everyday living
• Spouses communication is limited to
talking at the spouse rather than
talking to
• Real communication is best achieved
away from the home and work setting
We have taken on more than we can
handle
We are too busy
• Do we get home late every day?
• Do we have different schedules?
- No common dinner time
- N o common tea time
- No common bed time
• No time to talk about our work or day
- very important de stressor
Practicalities
• Spend quality time together
• The irony of the family Sunday bonding
session
• Create time to be alone with your spouse
• Create bonding sessions
• Be interesting-read up on topics that
interest them
• Be loving
• Be patient
Why does one spouse find
communication a form of torture
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Talking about sensitive issues
1. Avoid conflict at any cost
2. Keep eye contact
3. Watch your body language
4. Avoid the familiar road that leads to
chaos
5. Be principle centred-do not ask who is
right but What is right
6. You are partners not prosecutors
the marriage comes first before issues of
who was right or wrong
7. Respect your spouse during “the talk”
How to begin a conversation
1. Identify what you want to talk about
2. Stick only to this and do not bring up old
agendas
3. Get the right timing
Is your spouse tired, hungry, sick,
stressed?
4. Keep to the point, do not keep repeating
allow time for feedback
5. Get the right setting
not in front of children, house help,
others
6. Use the correct body language
Keep eye contact
Be loving
Be respectful
Speak calmly
Check the tone of your voice
Non verbal communication
7. Accept views and opinions of your
spouse
8. Be appreciative-have they listened to
you? Tell them you value their opinion
9. Actively listen
Listen
Understand the person
Feel the person
Nil by mouth!
• Silence can be one of the loudest forms of
communication
• What are you saying when your not talking?
• I do not want to talk because it is going to
end up with a fight?
• Or do not bother me
• Or I do not care about you at all
My marriage is over
• I have tried everything
• We have talked over this issue
• Your suggestion will not help
• Nothing you suggest will work
My marriage is over
• People in crisis have difficulties
differentiating things as they are and things
as they seem to be
• Even during the heaviest darkest rainstorm
there is always hope
When to get help
• When your problem is no longer big..it is huge
• When its become unmanageable, unhealthy
• When you are stressed
• When you are emotionally wiped out
• When you have become resentful
So can we do it
• Of course we can!!!!
• So lets do it!!!!
Question 1 LOVE NEVER DIES A
NATURAL DEATH
• Love never dies a natural death but is
neglected leading to “lost” or “dull” love
• What efforts do husbands need to
make to revive “lost” or “dull” love in
marriage?
• What efforts do wives need to make to
revive “lost” or “dull” love in marriage?
Question 2: COMMUNICAING ABOUT
FINANCES
• Research has shown that lack of
communication regarding finances
is one of the biggest causes of
friction in marriage
a)Why in your opinion do spouses
find this topic difficult to
discuss?
b)What are the possible solutions
for avoiding this type of friction?
Question 3: INTERNET AND SOAP OPERAS
Social network has had a great effect on our entire
society and has affected how most people perceive
various issues
1. Facebook and twitter are some of the trendiest
way of interacting with people. What are some of
the negative effects of the social media a married
couple who frequently use it?
2. Recently local TV stations have been airing
Mexican or Spanish soap operas, which they say is
due to public demand. What notions do these
soaps portray about marriage? What influence if
any do they have on our marriages?
Question 4: Fostering communication
• Often couples find that they have
stopped communication
• a) what are the possible reasons for
this?
• b) What suggestions do you have to
jump-start stalled communication?
GROUP FIVE: COMMUNICATING WITH
RELATIVES AND IN-LAWS
Often couples find communicating with
relatives and in-laws challenging. They
also find it difficult to discuss issues
that crop up concerning their spouse’s
relatives.
1. What issues do couples need to
discuss concerning their relatives?
2. Communication between a wife and
her husband’s relatives or between
a husband and his wives relatives
could be challenging. How can these
challenges be dealt with?
3. In order to enhance family unity
and cohesion, communication with
relatives needs to be very good.
How can communication with such
relatives be enhanced?
GROUP FIVE: COMMUNICATING WITH
CHILDREN
How a couple communicates to each other has a
very big impact on how they will communicate
to their children.
1. Teenagers should be able to ask their
parents any question about what they are
going through, especially on matters to do
with their sexuality. However parents
often are unable to answer such questions
or resort to telling white lies when they
find the topics “embarrassing” or
“difficult”.
• What is the best way of answering
questions that you may not be too
comfortable discussing with your child?
2. Children often imitate what they see
their friends doing. How can you
discourage your child from following
trends or fashion that you do not
consider appropriate for them e.g
hairstyles, earrings, and sagging
trousers etc?