Transcript Blended Families

Children Living in Blended
Families
Presented by Jennifer Garcia
The Norm
More and more, blended families are becoming the norm
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50% of the children in the U.S. are being raised in
blended families (http://www.blendedfamilies.net/research-statistics-for-blended-families.htm)
1,300 new stepfamilies are formed every day. (Gillespie,
http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/twi_082032.cfm?cha
nnel=Relationships&topic=Blended%20Families&sssct=Background%20Info)
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By 2010, it is predicted there will be more stepfamilies
than any other type of family (Gillespie,
http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/documents/articles/twi_082032.cfm?cha
nnel=Relationships&topic=Blended%20Families&sssct=Background%20Info2005)
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At least one third of the children living in the U.S. are
expected to live in a blended family before the age of 18
(http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm)
Risk Factors
There is little that is simple
in any stepfamily
situation. One thing for
sure, blended families
suggest no fairytale
(shows like the Brady
Bunch give a false sense
of security).
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Blended children are at
greater risk of living in
high conflict homes
(http://www.blendedfamilies.net/a_abcs-forblended-families.htm)
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Over 50% of second/third
marriages that end in
divorce are caused by the
children
(http://priscillasfriends.org/studies/blended.html)
The Grieving Child
Children in blended families are grieving, and
more often not mature enough to explain
their unhappiness. Keep in mind they have
lost a biological parent and have to move
from an environment they were used to,
(i.e., school, friends, church, neighbors...).
This stress can be overwhelming.
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They feel unwanted by a stepparent
Feel alienated in the new family
Torn by tension between biological parents
Discomfort around the holidays and major
events
Feel instant competition between stepchildren
and new parent figure
Your Child’s Need
Children need permissions to mourn their loss before
embracing a new family system. Failure to accept these
feeling may lead to angry outbursts.
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Children need guidance, instruction, training,
choices, consequences, and supervision.
It is important that the child see the family as a
unit, not as separate individuals who disagree.
Parents can provide the way for bringing unity into
their blended family, without threatening original
bonds.
Guilt of Parents
Guilt is not an uncommon feeling
in divorcing parents. Most parents
want to do well by their children.
They often experience anxiety
about the repercussions the
divorce may have on their
children.
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Some stepparents want to be
seen as the “good guy.” They
want to be lenient with discipline.
The birthparent’s can be defensive
with his/her spouse’s view. The
birth parent can be blinded to
certain parts of parenting,
especially when he/she is dealing
with underlying guilt over a
broken original marriage.
The transition for children from
being the center of attention by
the guilty divorced parents to
having to conform to set rules by
the new step-parent does not go
over well.
Respect, Cooperation, and Patience
No marriage ceremony makes a
new family. An immediate
loving situation is not going to
develop overnight.
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The children need to know that,
although love is not necessary,
respect and cooperation is
expected.
Patience is the key to building
new relationships. It will take time
to build your new family, and keep
in mind, it will probably never
equal the first original family.
Bottom line is if the family is
going to stay together,
cooperation is needed.
Arrival of the New Parent
The arrival of a new parent can
cause tension, prompt conflicts
and doubts about the child’s role
in the family.
 Some children will test the
relationship between their
biological parent and their
stepparent.
 They will break rules and
challenge parents
Recognize that the stepchildren
are not yours and never will be.
You are not replacement parents.
 The children need to know
that the new spouse is not a
potential father or mother.
Although stepparents, you hold a
vital and important role in the
dynamics of the new family.
Providing Structure
Roles in step-families are not
clear. Children need to
learn/adjust to...
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New rules and routines of two
different households.
Learn how to respond to a
new father-like or mother-like
figure, sometimes in two
different household
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Set clear expectations and
consequences. Describe what
is expected of them and tell
them about the good and bad
consequences of their actions.
Remind your children that they
make the choice for
appropriate and inappropriate
behavior.
Establishing Roots
Continuality is especially important to children of blended families.
Children need to have a sense of connection to their new family
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Show them a family tree – knowing where the new family
comes from and understanding that they have a special
personality helps your child develop a personal identity.
Show pictures – familiarize your children with the new parent’s
family in order to make that more real.
Tell stories – describe special events that you can share to help
them gain a sense of pride.
Establish new traditions. The new family has not shared history.
Although honoring some existing rituals, look for uniqueness in
your new family
Identifying Strengths
Every member has a unique quality in the family. Do not expect the
blended family to function as the natural family. Recognize that the
stepfamily will not and can not function as the natural family. The
blended family has its own unique qualities. Once learned, these
aspects can become positive. A sense of ownership to the new
family will be gained.
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Identify everyone’s strengths
Ask each member of the family to use their skills to benefit the
family
Make your step-child feel just as important as a natural child.
Your stepchildren will know when you are playing favoritism.
When the interest of the stepchildren, or spouse, are found
down the list, this is a formula for disaster.
Consistency
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Strong commitment during tough times is a must for parents. It
may be tempting to try to please your child, but freedom may not
be what your child may need at the time. It’s a balancing act for the
birth parent.
Stick to your guns – do what you said you would do. Follow
through. Explain to your children that you love them enough to set
boundaries and hold them to those boundaries.
Discuss rules and consequences of inappropriate behavior.
Establish a unified parent approach that is evenly applied to
everyone.
Creating a Marital Bond
Don’t forget your marriage. Make time for each other. Having a
strong marriage will help your blended family.
New married couples do not have the usual first few months to
bond. Instead, they are more consumed with their own children
than with each other.
It is important for the couple to build a bond. Couples should set
aside time for each other. This will ultimately benefit in creating
stability.
Age Factors
Parents need to
understand basic child
development so not to
mistake normal behavior
as inappropriate
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Children under 10 years find
adjustment easier. The forces that
draw the stepfamily together
coincide with the child’s needs.
Younger children are typically
more accepting. Nevertheless,
they are quick to feel a sense of
abandonment and competition if
they feel threatened.
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Adolescents (10 -14) – have the
most difficult time adjusting.
Stepparents need to be sensitive
to needs before playing the role of
disciplinarian.
Teens (15 or older) – need less
parenting. Older children prefer to
separate form the family to form
their own identity; they are less
interested in bonding.
Nevertheless, they are more
sensitive to the expression of
affection and sexuality in the
family.
Support
Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Studies show that children
in blended families are less resilient in stressful
situations. They face higher risk of emotional and
behavior problems.
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Recognize underlying issues that need to be taken care
of (i.e., guilt from the break up of the original marriage
or fear of abandonment).
Call on grandparents, clergy, and support groups to
help with adjustments.
Although most parents are able to resolve their own
problems, don’t try to tough it out on your own. Seek
help.
Compromise and Agreements
So many blended families constantly disagree on child rearing issues.
 Each side of these families come with their own established norms,
traditions, and rules. You must parent your child and at the same time
communicate effectively with your spouse.
Set ground rules
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Do not make threats or correct each other when you negotiate. Spend time
thinking about both perspectives
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If you reach an impasse, stop and discuss the issues in private. Children do
not need to know who was for or against an issue. Don’t leave room for
them to play one against the other.
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Choose the solution that appeals the most to both of you
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The adults must agree in advance about discipline, rules, and the
consequences of unacceptable behavior
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Explain the rules to the children
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Each adult must support the other
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Never make any decisions without your partner’s consent
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Hold family meetings. Give each member a chance to express their opinion
on rules
Respect for Prior Spouse
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It not a good idea to speak
negatively about ex-spouses. This
undermines a child’s love for
his/her parent and can effect their
self-esteem or put them in a
position of defending their parent,
as well as, undermines the
authority of your prior spouse.
Handle prior spouse responsibly –
there are no ex-parents, only exspouses.
Respect former spouses
parenting. Make sure your child
spends quality time with him/her
Avoid conflicts when children are
present
Advice
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Don’t come on too strong. Don’t push your children in
creating bonds. Give them time for it to happen
naturally.
Don’t expect you stepchildren to call you mom/dad. Let
them select a name they feel comfortable with.
Recognize you are not perfect. Be open to changes and
don’t be afraid to admit to mistakes. Be honest without
being defensive.
Reassure children that divorce/death was not their fault.
Invite questions
Set aside time alone with each child and stepchild.
Connect one-on-one to each. This will help establish a
sense of belonging.
References
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Blended Families 2001, Creating Harmony as You Build a New Home Life. (n.d.).
Research and Statistics Affecting Blended Families. Retrieved June 23, 2005
from http://www.blendedfamilies.net/research-statistics-for-blendedfamilies.htm.
Blended Families 2001, Creating Harmony as You Build a New Home Life. (n.d.). The
ABC’s for Blended Families. Retrieved June 23, 2005 from
http://www.blendedfamilies.net/a_abcs-for-blended-families.htm
Croucher, R. (October, 2001). Blended Families. Retrieved June 23, 2005 from
http://priscillasfriends.org/studies/blended.html.
Deal, R.L. (2004). Blended Families. When Your’re the Stepparent. Retrieved June 24,
2005 from
http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledwith/docu
ments/articles/twi_013499.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic=Blended%20Fam
ilies&sssct=Life%20Applications
Dobson PhD., J. (2003). Blended Families. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from
http://www.troubledwith.com/Web/groups/public/@fotf_troubledwith/docume
nts/articles/twi_topic_008599.cfm
References
Deal, R.L. (2003). Blended Families. Is Remarriage a Step in the Right
Direction? Retrieved June 24, 2005 from
http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledw
i
th/documents/articles/twi_013498.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic=
Blended%20Families&sssct=Background%20Info
Gillespie, N.N. (2004). Blended Families. Portraits of a Stepfamily. Retrieved
June 24, 2005 from
http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledw
ith/documents/articles/twi_082032.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic=
Blended%20Families&sssct=Background%20Info
Gillespie, N.N. (2003). Blended Families. Disciplining as a Team. Retrieved June
24, 2005 from
http://www.troubledwith.com/stellent/groups/public//@fotf_troubledw
ith/documents/articles/twi_082095.cfm?channel=Relationships&topic=
Blended%20Families&sssct=Life%20Applications.
Referencies
Harley PhD., W.F. (2005). How to Raise Children in a Blended Family and Keep
Love in Your Marriage. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5008_qa.html.
Helpguide 2005, Expert, Non-Commercial Information on Mental Health &
Lifelong Wellness (n.d.). Blended Families/Stepfamilies. Retrieved June
24, 2005 from
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm
McChristie, P. (2005). Blended Family Becomes the Normal Family. Retrieved
June 23, 2005 from http://www.cyberparent.com/blendedfamily/blended-family-normal.htm
Ross, E. (2003). Discipline in the Blended Family. Retrieved June 24, 2005 from
http://www.momsvoice.com/pages/articles/discipline_families.html
References
Stevens, J. (2005). New Stepparent in Your Blended Family. Retrieved June 23,
2005 from http://www.cyberparent.com/blended-family/new-step-inblended-famly.htm.
Suite University. (2005). Blended Families– Agreeing to Joint Parenting. Retrieved
June 25, 2005 from
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/blended_families/56250
Suite University, 2005, Real People Helping Real People (n.d.). Blended Family
Challenges. Retrieved June 25, 2005 from
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/blended_families/60018.
Wilson, J. (2005). Family Trees and Roots are Kids’ Identities. Retrieved June
23, 2005 from http://www.cyberparent.com/blended-family/roots-arekids-identity.htm.
Wilson, J. (2005). Myth: Blended Family Equals Instant Family. Retrieved June 24,
2005 from http://www.cyberparent.com/blended-family/myth-blended-family.htm.