Heart of the Problem

by Mark Hamby

Dear Mark, I had hoped to see you again before I was transferred to the State Prison. I am the guy who played the guitar in the prison chapel after you shared what I conceived as a very powerful message. In fact, I was and have been very much moved and inspired by the presentations. On two occasions you didn’t even have a black board to illustrate your teachings, yet I can visualize so vividly what you clearly showed me on the invisible, make believe black board. You also gave me a book,

The Hedge of Thorns

, I believe this was the title which was also inspiring to me. I also believe now that God, in His amazing wisdom has taken me out of the world that I was suffering in with temptation, sins and desires. These prison walls do not imprison me, the steel bars and razor wire are actually God’s hedge of protection so that I might grow, strengthen, and learn in the ways of his word before I face the challenges of the world again. And so I believe you are right. What a terrible prank God has pulled on me, to get me to see, listen, and learn; his methods are ingenious. He did the only thing He could in his effort to protect and save me!

I was looking very much forward to seeing you again. I had written a song to play and sing. Please do not stop in your efforts to bring the word to prisoners. I’m a hard case Mark, I spent 23 years of my life in prison. If I heard you and your message touched and moved me. Believe when I tell you, you did move a mountain! The rest should be easy pickins for you. Thank You Mark! J.L. Prisoner of the Lord

Just wanted to let you know I finished reading "Giant Killer" to my kids last weekend and started Basket of Flowers Sunday Night. We are really enjoying these books. Last night my kids had the choice of watching a half an hour of TV, playing video games for half an hour or having me read an extra half an hour to them and they chose reading a Lamplighter book. They knew I was going to read to them at bedtime anyway, but still chose the extra half hour of "story time". I was very excited to have my 9, 7, 5 and one of our neighbors kids (also 5) all want to sit around my living room while I read a couple chapters of Basket of Flowers. If they could have stayed awake, we would have read until midnight. They love this book and so do I. Lamplighter ministry is having a tremendous, positive effect on me and my family. Grace is flourishing in our home.

George

The Presence precedes the plan. Younger people have asked me how they could know God's plan for their life. The saints of old were concerned not with the plan but with the Presence. When we have a guide, all we need to do is follow. Without the Presence we attempt work for God instead of letting God work through us. Fénelon said: Put aside your self-interest and simply let God's will unfold around you. Everything he does for you is for your good. Worship him without having to know and see everything. Continue doing the good things that you do since you feel that you should and you can do them so easily. Be careful that all your extra energy does not lead you into trouble and, above all, live in the present moment and God will give you all the grace you need. God's glory and his purpose are the end of all things. You will find happiness and deliverance but not as an end in itself. It is all for God.

Give grace to yourself and others.

"Do not be surprised to find yourself overly sensitive, impatient, proud, and self-willed. Realize that this is your natural disposition. Bear with yourself, but do not flatter yourself into thinking you are better than you are but wait on God's timing to transform it. Stop at once when your activities become too hurried. Guard against placing responsibility above relationship.”

Self-love is subtle.

"You will be tempted to speak out in a humble tone of voice to tell others of your problems. Watch out for this. A humility that is still talkative does not run very deep. When you talk too much, your self-love relieves his sense of shame a little."

Suffering is useful.

Suffering is necessary for all of us. You will be purified by dying to see your own desires and will. Let yourself die. You have excellent opportunities for this to happen. Don't waste them. . . . God never makes you suffer unnecessarily. He intends for your suffering to heal and purify you. The hand of God hurts you as little as it can. The yoke that God gives is easy to bear if you accept it without struggling to escape.

but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men.

Lamentations 3:32-33

For they persecute him whom you (God) have struck down, and they recount the pain of those you (God) have wounded.

Psalm 69: 26 (see Ps. 119)

"Peace and comfort are to be found only in simple obedience.

”

“There never is peace in resisting God . . . . Allow yourself to be humble. If you are silent and peaceful when humiliating things happen to you, you will grow in grace."

Growth and change are the work of the cross.

The work of the cross--redemption- is the constant tension of growth and change as the old nature gives way to the new. It is a putting off of the flesh and putting on of the fruits of the spirit daily. Fruit is the Spirit’s work; it is our work to die to self on the cross He has given us to bear.

"You and I are nothing without the cross. I agonize and cry when the cross is working within me, but when it is over I look back in admiration for what God has accomplished. Of course I am then ashamed I bore it so poorly."

Cursed is he who does the work of the LORD with slackness, and cursed is he who keeps back his sword from bloodshed. Moab has been at ease from his youth and has settled on his dregs; he has not been emptied from vessel to vessel, nor has he gone into exile; so his taste remains in him, and his scent is not changed. Therefore, behold, the days are coming, declares the LORD, when I shall send to him pourers who will pour him, and empty his vessels and break his jars in pieces.

Jeremiah 48:10-12

Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and perform your vows to the Most High, and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me."

Psalm 50:14-15

But I fear, lest somehow, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, so your minds may be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.

II Corinthians 11:3

But He gives more grace. Therefore He says:

“ God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.

James 4:6-10

For where envy and self seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

James 3:16-18

…Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for

“ God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.

I Peter 5:5b-8

God’s healing love can transform the most miserable life into one of comfort, joy, and deep personal peace.

For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Matthew 6:14-15

Do not underestimate the cleansing power available when anyone approaches God as a repentant sinner who has seen his sin and wants to be restored and renewed. It doesn’t take God long to transform a humble person.

Cast your burden on the LORD, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

Psalms 55:22

(read page 26)

Time magazine featured an article entitled “The Burnout of Almost Everyone.” “They describe the stages of burnout, progressing from intense enthusiasm and job satisfaction, to exhaustion, physical illness, acute anger and depression. Even the best worker, when thwarted, will swallow his rage; it then turns into a small private conflagration, an internal fire in his engine room.” According to these authors, the consequences to adults of being thwarted (i.,e. not getting their own way) by other adults (i.e.. Husbands and wives) are rage and hostility, resulting in physical illness, depression, and tension headaches.

Given proper alteration in people, circumstances, and social conditions that surround an individual, changes can occur without giving God a thought. Counseling, done by trained, caring, kind people, followed by appropriate changes, can bring great relief to an anxious confused person. If you want relief, you can find it. A change of location or the removal of a troublesome person can give relief to an anxious person. That is relief, not healing. Alcohol can quiet a hostile, bitter heart, but it only gives relief, not healing.

(read page 36 & 37)

Finding relief from sin instead of obtaining cleansing is a cruel trap. Relief from sin allows me to be comfortably separated from God.

There is a cure for sin.

Peace does not come in capsules!

(read page 43) If you want relief, you can find it in this world. If you want a cure, only God can help you.

(read page 44 & 45)

Fenelon says “You asked for a remedy, that your problems might be cured. You do not need to be cured. You need to be slain.”

This is the Christian miracle of the cleansed life —a great mystery —why, after years of fighting, would Malcolm and Dorothy submit to these biblical guidelines?

But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth.

Colossians 3:8

Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering.

Colossians 3:12

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 4:31-32

Not that we are in any way confident of doing anything by our own resources: our ability comes from God. It is He who makes us competent administrators of the new agreement…,

II Corinthians 3:5-6

• • • • I am at my wits end. My wife and I cannot even talk to each other without it turning into a blame session. Understand that this letter will be colored with my opinions, personality, theology and flesh. I believe that my wife has a view of me that is made up more from the residue or reaction to the incest by her Pastor/Missionary father and two brothers from ages 4-18 than from who I really am.

I must make a big point of saying that I am not a good husband. I am quiet, reserved, prefer to be alone, and my flesh is drawn to negativity and criticism. These are some of my less appealing qualities. I have been insensitive to her over the years to be sure.

• • • • • She has read many books in the Christian/pop-psychology genre. Whenever a new book comes out she reads it. Joyce Meyer is a fave. She freely gives me her analysis of why I am how I am and why I do what I do. I do not welcome unsolicited psycho-analysis. She listens daily to the 'New Life Live' radio program with John Townsend and Henry Cloud. I believe the program gives self centered and ungodly advice. It is a repackaging of Freud, Fromme and Rogers in a "christian" wrapper. If I bring this up it is proof of how abusive I am.

• After a counseling session about a year ago, while driving home, I asked Sharon "how would you describe the role of a wife?" She said 'to get her needs met and show her husband where he is wrong". She has told me that 95% of the problems in our marriage are because of me and the five percent dont' count because it's just her reacting to my craziness. When I told her recently that I felt very hurt by what she had said and are you open to discuss it. She said " what a baby, you should be beyond getting hurt."

• • • • • • • • • When I ask her if she can understand, given the circumstances how I'd be hurt she responds with " yeah I can see how you would be hurt." (when I asked for clarity it was that 'a dysfunctional emotional basketcase such as yourself would quite naturally get hurt. Any normal person would not, but you, I can understand. Bottom line for me is that I feel rejected. I feel as though she doesn't see me as a legitimate person.

My feelings, sadness, loneliness etc. are a threat to her. She says it is an abuse. This is one of her frequent words. Abuse. Everything is abuse. She says I am a misogynist, abusive, worse than her father. She focuses on the past to a great extent. If we have a discussion about a current issue it soon goes back ten years or more, the notebooks come out and she wraps it up with an analysis of my behavior which she then supports with quotes from contemporary Christian authors or radio personalities and even Dr. Phil.

Yesterday I tried to express my desire to start all over, to apologize for the past and forgive her for the ways she has hurt me. She said she didn't want to hear it. Just do it. When I attempt to discuss something that she has said to me that is hurtful she will not hear it. She says my sins greatly outweigh hers and so there's no point discussing something as insignificant as what she said. And furthermore any normal person never would have been hurt. I can't tell you how deeply this one thing affects me. It really is devastating for me to hear this. WHat I hear is " you are irrelevant. you and your context don't matter. What you feel is unimportant." It is as though ALL of the trouble is because of me and NONE of it is attributable to her. I can't bear this.

Recently her brother and his family were over. (the one who did not incest her) Afterwards he told me that he and his wife and two daughters were appalled at the way Sharon talked to me. The level of disrepect. I had felt it but only mildly because I am used to it. It struck me that it made such a stong impression on them. My parents see the same thing. My co-workers as well. She has had people tell her "you think your perfect don't you". Truthfully, I don't think I have a normal context to compare all of this to. I don't know what it is like to have a supportive wife. One who believes in me. One who says "yeah, you can do it!" If I mention a dream or desire it gets squelched with the "more important" issues like how I am so abusive. Now after years of this I am quite distraught. Last winter she had a hysterectomy that is taking an unusually long time to recover from. This is hard on her. It is painful still today. I find it hard to show compassion. I know she is hurting but how to be tender with a spitting cobra?

• • • • • • • • • • • For some reason it is important to me that she acknowledge that she does in fact hurt me. It is important to me that I have sex.(which she says will not happen because a wife needs to feel loved before she can feel like having sex and it would be a violation of her boundaries and also abusive for any husband to "demand sex". This of course is substantiated by James Dobson, Henry Cloud, Dr. Phil and others. how can I argue with that?) I must say that my thought life in this area is a struggle. • I need her to believe in me and not see me as an emotional cripple. ( although with her I probably do act that way. but with anyone else in my life I don't and I say it's because nobody else talks to me that way she does. Now I don't engage. I keep to myself and just try not to initiate anything. As you can imagine things are a mess. When I bolster enough courage to try again she brings up the past and chews me out for not initiating. So I give up anew. It is truly an endless cycle. She maintains that she has done everything she can do.

I have not and that if I would everything would be fine. I don't agree. The problem is that we cannot discuss it because according to her my sins are so much more severe that it would be an act of abuse to even bring up hers. There are times I think I must be crazy. That I am nuts. I don't know what to do. Add to all of this four teenagers and an old house that needs repair and you'll get the picture. I realize that this letter is only one side of the coin and it's always hard to get a true perspective in this way but if you have any advice for me I'd welcome it. I have never met you nor you I but please don't hold back. Don't censor yourself for fear of offense.

I am a Christian and am coming to understand that I am warring against my flesh and the enemy daily. Perhaps she is right and I am a train wreck of a person who needs to have his head examined. Thank you for your time.

Do all in the knowledge of His coming.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • You can be certain that I will not hold back. After reading your > > email, I must say that it has left and imprint of > a > > smile on my face. Now I > > know that this might puzzle you, but I thought you were writing > > about my wife! Welcome to life.

> > Your situation is no different than a myriad of husbands--most of > > which have given up the battle long ago. All that you have said > > about your wife may be true, but this doesn't really matter because > > it is God who has CALLED you both to this marriage and to these > > circumstances. Some are "called" to die as martyrs, some to prison, > > some > to > > illness, some to > > torture, some to lose their jobs and wealth, some > to > > be falsely > > accused...you get the picture. First let's understand the concept, > > "What God has joined together..." Indeed, God joined > you > > are your wife together.

> > Somehow, by God's miraculous grace, that can only > be > > received at his throne > > as we humble ourselves, must take your eyes off of your needs and > > place them on to the needs of your apparently needy wife.

>

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Now > > that she is recovering > > from the hysterectomy, her emotional needs are greater than ever. > > Let's say that she is exactly as you say (I doubt that she > is> > because women like that > > don't take the time to listen to Christian radio searching for > > help)--but let's say that she is--THEN this is God's calling for > > you! She is a sister in need. Need sex? What if she was mentally > > impaired in a hospital for years? What would you do then? Clay, > > God's grace is sufficient and for those of us that cry that it is > > too painful, too difficult, clearly reveal that our right is not > > right before God. I have walked in your shoes far too often, and > > more times (and recently) than I would like to admit. I have fallen > > more times than I can count, but one thing > is> > certain, if I cry out > > to him and begin to walk in humility, He lifts me up, every time!!! > > Yes it would be wonderful for our wives to encourage us > and> > back us and partner > > with us, but sometimes the hurts of the past, > block> > their ability to honor > > us the way they should. Is this OK? Of course not...but this is in > > God's hands. We as men are to act like men...soldiers

> of> > the cross. A couple of > > my friends are in Iraq and Afghanistan. Today is was 145 > > degrees--he has to carry 60 pounds of supplies and two layers of > > clothing. The Scriptures state, you have not resisted unto blood. > > In other words, you and I are not bleeding for our "calling." No, > > we are called to love AND NOT BE BITTER This may be harder than > > fighting in Iraq--yes indeed, I believe that it is harder and the > > pain no less hurtful than getting a bullet. I would imagine that > > you would rather take a bullet any day--correct? But this is God's > > calling for both of us--To love as Christ loved!!!

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • Wow...how did he love?

> > And gave himself for the church, his wife. A wife who continues to > > dishonor and turns her back on him often, yet in spite of this, he > > loved and gave and does not become bitter. Clay this is our > > calling--to be made conformable to His image. There is no other > > way.

> > > about There are a few comments I would like to make > > your email.

> > Concerning the work of New Life, it does reveal > that > > you must battle your > > critical spirit. I have listened to them many > times > > and though there are > > many things I would disagree with, I believe they are being used of > > God.

> > You are probably slanted negatively because your wife listens to it > > and uses it against you. You must not put down things that your wife > > finds good.

> > Encourage her, and yes, even learn from her. What would it take to > > ask her advice in what she sees in your life and what > needs > > to change? Then listen > > and implement. If you become bitter, then it is evident that your > > pride, keeps you from experiencing God's grace. Without his grace, > > you are done for! You need a miracle and God is in the > business > > of miracles. There is > > so much I would like to say, but I need you to follow my advice if I > > am going to help you. I need you to order the book, Heart of the > > Problem by Dr. Brandt. You can find on the web for cheap.

> > After you read one or two > > or even three chapters, I need you to email me and let's talk about > > what you are learning. I need you to also order the books Let Go by > > Fenelon, and How to Act right when your Spouse Acts Wrong. You can > > order these from our ministry. Lastly, I need you to read > > Ecclesiastes > 3 > > and Lamentations 3 and > > then we can also discuss this. Clay, by God's grace, I can help > > you. Are you willing to give this a try?

> > Sincerely, > > Mark Hamby

• • • Hello again Mark, I have ordered, received and read the Heart of the Problem. Due to my desperate and hungry condition I read it through in just a few days. I am now re-reading more slowly for proper digestion. THere is a story in the first part of the book about a family with a twenty year old son in college. I find many parallels to our situation in this story. WHen I read it I had the thought that if my wife read this story she would ball me out and say "see!!! I told you so! You need to change!" THis morning I went into the kitchen to find her with the book and it happened just so. She also told me that if our son gets in trouble it'll be my fault. • I accept the premise of the book. We are dealing with sin as a condition. I sin. No one makes me sin. I choose it. One of my problems is that I don't want the pressure to sin to come from my wife. Why is it 'out of bounds' to talk about how she speaks harshly and disrespectfully to me? (this is how it plays out for us when I bring up her hurtful words) I am going to make it my goal to apologize when I sin. I am going to say; I was wrong, I am sorry. And then I think I am going to have to keep my mouth shut because I anticipate a wild reaction. It is very hard to say these words for me. When I reflect on the matter I find that I think I can act with impunity. I think I can do anything I want to do. I think I have no responsibility to defer to anyone. I don't know that I have ever acknowledged this about myself. • I will say that over the last four days while reading the book I have been in control of my tongue moreso than in the past. I have been aware of my responsibility for my own behavior. I have become aware of how little I really love Christ. I say that because he tells us if we love him we will obey him. I have obeyed myself. I have not obeyed him. I have obeyed him indirectly in that his will at times coincides with mine and as such I will obey him at these times. WHen it is expedient to ignore Him I do so freely. The longer I sit writing this letter the more I see my depravity. I need to be restored. Thanks for listening,

• Hello again Mark, • This whole week I have been acutely aware of my behavior. My speech, my thoughts, my attitudes, my level of patience, my irritation level, on and on. It is unprecedented. I praise His name for the Holy Spirit who has been doing this. I am realizing that a lot of my wife's complaints are legitimate. I am, in many ways, a jerk. I have printed out the third chapter of Colossians from StudyLight.org and have been reviewing it daily. I am going to work on memorizing parts or perhaps the entire chapter. I have also noticed how good I am at being a hypocrite. I have told many people how the Word is alive, that is is powerful, that the Word itself is something living.

• And yet, I have neglected to make this living Word a part of my daily life. Truly I have lived a long time "in the flesh".

Behold, the LORD's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear dull, that it cannot hear; But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear.

Isaiah 59:1-2

It has been discovered that if we could eliminate our sins, we would solve most of our own problems and most of the ills of society, including the breakdown of the family, domestic violence, child abuse, rape, murder, violence, political deception, and personal misery.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

I John 1:9

(read page 70ff)

But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.

I John 1:7

(And this is condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone that does evil hates the light, lest his deeds should be reproved.

It is important to understand that I could acknowledge being wrong on all points without agreeing that I have sinned against God. It is important to comprehend that being wrong and being sinful are not interchangeable words. We must be clear on what we mean by being wrong.

For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.

II Corinthians 7:10

The End

Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish.”

Isaiah 38:17

It is more important to know the presence of God than to seek the will of God, because when you walk in His presence you will more easily find and understand His will.

Romans 12:2

Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.”

Psalm 9:10

In “the providence of God” is that we either unconsciously or deliberately imply that God intervenes at specific points in our lives but is largely only an interested spectator most of the time. When we think this way, even unconsciously, we reduce God’s control over our lives to a stop-and-go, in-an-out proposition. Our unconscious attitude is that the rest of the time we are the “master of our fates” or conversely the victims of unhappy circumstances or uncaring people that cross our paths.

Theologian J.I. Packer defines providence as, “The unceasing activity of the Creator whereby, in overflowing bounty and goodwill, He upholds His creatures in ordered existence, guides and governs all events, circumstances, and free acts of angels and men, and directs everything to its appointed goal, for His own glory.” Note the absolute terms Packer uses: “unceasing activity.” “all events…all acts,” “directs everything.”

Who is he who speaks and it comes to pass, when the Lord has not commanded it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that woe and well-being proceed?

Lamentations 3:37-38

Who can speak and have it happen if the Lord has not decreed it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both calamities and good things come?

Lamentations 3:37-38

Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.

Jeremiah 33:3

He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me. The LORD dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he rewarded me. For I have kept the ways of the LORD, and have not wickedly departed from my God. For all his rules were before me, and his statutes I did not put away from me.

Psalm 18:19-22

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!

Romans 11:33