Transcript Where the Boys Are: Self

What About the Boys?
How [Sex] Education Ignores Males and
What You Can Do About It
Elizabeth Schroeder, EdD, MSW
National Middle Schools Forum
Nottingham, UK
October 2008
Who IS the Sex Lady?
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International Sexuality Educator/
Consultant
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Executive Director, Answer
Sex, Etc. (www.sexetc.org)
 Trainings & Online Professional Development
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University Professor/Author
Today’s Presentation
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Combination of research and professional
experience working with adolescent boys
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Will focus on BOYS… not specific
populations of boys & compare to girls
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Will make generalizations
Today’s Presentation
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May sound like stereotypes/sexist at times,
but…
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Will go into areas that feel like digressions,
but…
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Some data from US: applicability to UK
To teach boys…
...we must first UNDERSTAND boys
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How do they learn?
From where/whom do they get support?
What do they know about sexuality?
What is the “boy code”?
How do THEY feel about sex and sexuality?
To begin with…
Education in general is failing
boys…
Boys Are More Likely Than Girls
To…
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Have discipline/behavior problems
Be diagnosed with a Learning Disability or
Attention-Deficit Disorder
Be placed in special education
Drop out of school
Score lower grades; usually behind in
reading/writing
Boys have a unique learning style that is
different from that of girls.
Many girls may prefer to learn by watching or
listening; boys generally prefer to learn by
doing, engaging in some action-oriented
task.
What Do Boys Tell Us?
When teased or bullied they have to:
 "keep a stiff upper lip"
 "not show their feelings"
 "act real tough"
 "not act too nice"
 "just laugh and brush it off when someone
punches you."
The “Boy Code”
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Are not suggestions about how they
"might" deal.
Are strict rules they had absorbed about how
they "must" behave
Genuine fear of what will happen if they
break them.
Why does this happen to them?
How does this affect how they
learn/interact with others?
Adolescent Male Brain Development
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Changing quickly, especially around
abstract learning
Pre-frontal cortex (rationality) developing
more slowly
Basically, learning academics more
effectively, but not learning how to calm
himself down or not be impulsive or
aggressive
What does this mean?
Boys negotiate through rules; girls through
relationships
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Are trying to figure out the “moral order” – know
rules, but curious about consequences for breaking
them; notices inequality in how they are applied
Thinks he’s smart enough to determine which
rules apply to him and which don’t.
Morally sensitive right now – got sick “because I
did something wrong”
How does this play out?
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Key Developmental Task of Adolescence:
Determining Identity
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Needs to look like he knows what he’s doing – “I
know, ok?” – when he doesn’t.
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For girls: appearance important; for boys:
appearances important (video games = private
defeat)
What’s the “normal” range for an
adolescent boy?
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May “one-up” people, especially peers:
MALE BONDING  prep for the “real
world”
Roughhousing
Humiliate and be humiliated
Feelings he was able to previously express in
words now expressed through competitive
activities he talks little about
What’s the “normal” range for an
adolescent boy?
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Wants to be HIMSELF – different from
parents, different from past
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Eventually, different from peers
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Looking to gain respect for what HE does
and who HE is.
What Does This Mean
In Terms of Sexuality?
Everything in an adolescent’s life
revolves around sex and
sexuality
Boys “tell” us that…
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NEED to be heterosexual.
NEED to have sex.
Want desperately to be good lovers. Consumed
with giving partners orgasms.
Obsessed with penis size
Concerned about statutory rape laws.
Experience love in extremes.
#1 Source of Sex Info
PORN
From Sex, Etc.
“Hi. I'm very confused. I don't know if I'm
gay, bi, whatever. I need you to tell me some
signs for straight and gay or even bi boys.
Please. I need to know; and I need to know
now.”
-- 15-year-old boy
From Sex, Etc.
“I am considering suicide because I do not
now what to do after my girlfriend left me.
She is the only one I love and I cannot go on
without her”
-- 14-year-old boy
From Sex, Etc.
“Is there anything i can eat, drink or buy to enlarge
my penis? Like that pump thing, does it really
works? I hav difficulties since young like u know
getting undress in front my friends... My first lov
broke up wif me... Sometimes i just wish i wasn't
born at all. Suicidal thoughts often cross my mind.
i really need ur help...pls”
– 17-year-old male
Boys and Body Image
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an alarming increase in obsessive weight
training and the use of anabolic steroids
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toy action figures' increasing muscularity
setting unrealistic ideals for boys just as
Barbie dolls have been accused of doing the
same for girls.
Boys and Body Image
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Boys who think they are overweight much more
likely to try smoking
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Like girls, not exercising for HEALTH, but for
appearance (and performance)
So What Can We Do?
Focus on GENDER before SEX
Nearly every aspect of sexuality is tied to
gender, especially for males
(e.g., being a “real man”; not being perceived
as gay, etc.)
Activity:
Gender Brainstorm
Activity:
Hamilton’s Sons
Activity:
Media Messages
Teaching Techniques
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Consider separating genders (pros and cons)
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Spend MORE time with boys… bridge the
gender gap in sex ed
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Speak their language – “waiting” vs.
“abstaining”
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Gender less important than respect
More Techniques
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Speak frankly… acknowledge pros and cons of
waiting vs. sexual behaviors
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Speak frankly… alternatives to sexual behaviors
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Don’t avoid emotions; are taking your lead
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Don’t try to scare, won’t work… PERSONALIZE
but maintain boundaries
And finally…
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Use inclusive language, and remember diversity
within diversity
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Be consistent and REPETITIVE – one-shot
sessions ineffective with boys (learn from media)
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READ… get to know the RESEARCH, and adapt
your existing activities/programs