THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

A book by Gary Chapman

IMPORTANCE OF LOVE

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Isolation

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Solitary Confinement

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Marriage designed to meet need for intimacy & love

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EMOTIONAL TANK

• • • Needs to be filled with love.

Then will grow & develop normally If tank is empty, will misbehave.

• Key – figuring out how to fill your mate’s emotional tank.

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FALLING IN LOVE

First meet “Love Alert” system goes off Become emotionally obsessed Under illusion all is perfect

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AND THEN...

Romantic obsession lasts about 2 years Reality sets in Must learn to love mate So, love is a rational volitional choice

LOVE IS...

 The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love.

 Love grows and develops. It is a process more than a product.

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FIRST TRUTH

Actions before marriage aren’t the same as after marriage • Before marriage – “in love obsession” • After marriage – influenced by our parents, personality, perceptions, personal needs, etc.

SECOND TRUTH

Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.

LOVE IS A CHOICE

 Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs.

 Can’t change past.

 Just confess & ask for forgiveness.

 The partner has the option of justice or forgiveness.

LOVE IS A CHOICE

 Choose justice = getting revenge = no intimacy

OR

 Choose forgiveness = restored intimacy  Forgiveness is:  A feeling  A choice  Expression of love

THIRD TRUTH

Listen to your partner’s criticisms for a clue about their language.

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

 Words of Affirmation  Quality Time  Receiving Gifts  Acts of Service  Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation

 Verbal compliments, words of appreciation, and encouraging words are powerful communicators of love.

 They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation.

Words of Affirmation

 Encouragement requires empathy and seeing the world from your loved one’s perspective.

 If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants.

Words of Affirmation

   Love makes requests, not demands.

Requests affirm your loved one’s worth and abilities. You are in essence indicating that she has something or can do something that is meaningful and worthwhile to you.

However, when you make demands, you become a tyrant. Your loved one will feel belittled.

Words of Affirmation

 Requests imply choice. Your partner may choose to respond to your request or to deny it, because love is always a choice. That’s what makes it meaningful.

 To know my partner loves me enough to respond to one of my requests communicates emotionally that I am cared for, respected, admired, and he/she wants to please me.

Words of Affirmation

   If a partner complies to a demand, it is an act of fear or guilt or some other emotion, but not love.

Thus, requests create the possibility for an expression of love, whereas a demand suffocates that possibility.

When we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate.

Quality Time

    Wanting attention, focus on me, give me time, do things with me.

Togetherness not just proximity but focused, undivided attention. Not watching TV together…, but taking long walks… Includes quality conversations - a sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.

Seek to understand and sympathize, not to solve their problems.

Quality Time Listening Tips

 Maintain eye contact.

 Don’t listen while doing something else at the same time.

 Listen for feelings.

 Observe body language.

 Refuse to interrupt.

Quality Time

 Quality conversation requires not only sympathetic listening but also self revelation.

 Must be able to express what you are thinking and feeling. Difficult for some people because of how they grew up. Also depends on personality types. For example the “Dead Sea” and the “Babbling Brook”.

Quality Time

Essential ingredients in a quality activity are:  At least one of you wants to do it  The other is willing to do it  Both of you know why you are doing it - to express love by being together One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory bank from which to draw in the years ahead.

Receiving Gifts

    Gifts are visual symbols of love. These symbols are more important to some people that others. For example: differing attitudes to wearing wedding rings.

Gifts come in all sizes, colors, and shapes.

Gifts can be purchased, found, or made.

May require a change in attitude about money - spending vs. saving.

Receiving Gifts

 Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your partner’s primary love language is receiving gifts.

Acts of Service

   Doing things you know your partner would like you to do. You seek to please him/her by serving them, to express you love by doing things for them.

Examples: cooking, cleaning, painting a bedroom, maintaining the car… They require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.

Acts of Service

 Acts of service can be negative if they are coerced by fear (You will do this or you will be sorry” or manipulated by guilt (“If you were a good partner, you would do this for me”). These will lead to resentment.

 Acts of service may mean overcoming stereotypes of traditional gender roles.

  

Physical Touch

Numerous research studies have shown the importance of physical touch, especially in child development. Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love.

Holding hands, kissing, embracing, cuddling, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love. Must discuss which touches bring physical pleasure and which are irritating and annoying. (Blowing in ear.)

Physical Touch

  In time of crisis, more than anything, we need to feel loved. We cannot always change events, but we can survive if we feel loved.

If your partner’s primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding them as they cry. Words may mean little, but tender touches will be remembered long after the crisis has past. Failure to touch may never be forgotten.

Physical Touch

 Many males automatically assume that physical touch is their primary love language because their desire for sexual intercourse has a physical root.

 But if he doesn’t enjoy physical touch at other times and in nonsexual ways, it may not be his love language at all.

 Sexual desire is quite different from the emotional need to feel loved.

Physical Touch

 For females, sexual desire is emotionally based. If she feels loved and admired and appreciated by her husband, then she has a desire to be physically intimate with him.

 Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs.

DISCOVERING YOUR PRIMARY LOVE LANGUAGE  What makes you feel most loved?

     What do you desire above all else?

What does your partner do or say or fail to do or say that hurts you deeply?

What have you most requested of your partner?

How do you express your love to your partner?

If I could have the ideal partner, what would they be like?

ASSIGNMENT  Write down your primary love language and tell what led you to that conclusion.

 List the other four languages in order of importance.

 NOTE: It is possible to be bilingual.

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

 Words of Affirmation  Quality Time  Receiving Gifts  Acts of Service  Physical Touch