Transcript Different causes and Crisis in family matters

Different causes and Crisis in family
matters
Reason is either both couples or one of them:
1. Divine punishment
2. Difference in religion or sects
3. Psychological elements
4. Not abiding with clause of marriage
5. Discovery of an ailment in spouse
Reason for crisis are others (parents)
1. Parents
2. Others
Divine
Punishment
Punishment for illegal carnal
desires before marriage and not
having a chaste spouse
Punishment for lack of knowledge
about the commands of God and
not acting upon it.
Punishment for straying off from
the remembrance of Allah
Punishment for sins and disliked
acts
Difference in
religions or sects
Compromise in
religious practices
Psychological Elements
• ‫ شھوت جنس ی‬Carnal Desires
• ‫ بے غیرتی یا غیرت بے جا‬overzealous
• ‫حرص و عدم قناعت‬Not being content
• ‫ لجالت‬Stubborn & Unreasonable
• ‫ زود رنجی‬Low temperament
• Unapologetic behavior
• ‫ توقعات زیاد‬High Expectance
• ‫ سوء ظن و وسواس‬Suspicion and obsession
ُ
• ‫ سوء خلق‬Bad behavior
• ‫خسیس‬Miserly
• ‫تکبر‬Arrogance
Not abiding with the
clause of marriage
contract
• One can add extra
conditions in the
contract, and its wajib
to abide with it.
• For ex: a woman can
stipulate that
husband can’t marry
another without
permission.
Discovering ailments in
spouse after marriage
• In certain cases it
nullifies the contract
on its own.
Parents
Other than
Parents
For your
betterment
For your
betterment
Not for your
betterment
Not for your
betterment
God has devised laws for everything
• Laws exceed from before birth until after death
• There are about four thousand laws ٓ pertaining to ṣalāt
)۲۷۲ ‫ ص‬۲‫ ج‬،‫ للصالة اربعۃ االف حدود (الفروع من الکافی‬:)‫• قال الصادق (ع‬
• Zurarah ibn Ayun narrates: Once I said to Imam Sadiq (as)
that I have been asking about Hajj related issues for almost
forty years and you keep answering them. Imam replied:
Sacred center which has existed two thousand years prior to
the existence of Adam, you want its laws to end in forty
years?
ٓ
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َ
ٌ ‫• یا زرارۃ‬
َ
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‫بیت ُح َّج الیہ قبل ادم بالفی عام ترید ان تفنی مسائلہ فی اربعین عاما (وسائل‬
)۱۲ ‫ ص‬۱۱ ‫الشیعۃ ج‬
• For eating there are more than one hundred laws in Islam
• For sleeping there are more than thirty recommendations
• Going to washroom there are about thirty laws.
Reason is either both couples or one of them:
Divine punishment
َ َ
َ
َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َّ َّ ‫َ َ َ ُ ُ َ ُ ُل‬
َ
َ
َ
ُ‫اج‬
َ
ْ ‫ك ْو تعالى لمْ ي ْدعْ شيئاْ يحت‬
ْ ‫ال سمعت ْه يقو ْ إ ْن الل ْه تبار‬
ْ ‫• َعنْ ُع َم َْر بنْ ق َيسْ عنْ أبي جعف ْر ع ق‬
َ َ َّ ُ َّ ُ
َ
ََ َ َ َ َ َ
َ ُ َ َ َ َ
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ْ‫يال يدل‬
ْ ‫سولهْ ص ْو جع ْل لكلْ ش يْءْ حداْ ْو جع ْل ع ْليهْ دل‬
ْ ‫إليهْ اْلم ْۃ إ ْال أنزل ْه في كتابهْ ْو بين ْه لر‬
َ
َ
َ
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)59‫ ص‬1‫ك ال َح َّ ْد َحدا (الكافي ج‬
ْ َ ‫َعليهْ َْو َج َع َْل َعلى َمنْ ت َع َّدى ذل‬
• Person by the name Umar ibn Qays said I heard Imam Baqir (as)
mention: Allah has not left out anything unaddressed which is a
necessity for the people. It is either mentioned in Quran or explained
through His Messenger. He has explained the limits of everything and
mentioned its reasoning. Moreover, He has mentioned the punishment
for those who transgress these limits.
• According to Quran sin (‫ )ذنب‬means that which has repercussion.
• A sinner thinks after his sin he is done, but according to Awliya Allah,
with sin start the evil consequences which sometimes affect that
person, his family, his society and continues in Hereafter.
• Some sins have worldly punishments along with after Resurrection.
Sins that result in the wrath of the Hereafter
1. Not keeping up with prayers
2. Not paying poor rate (khums & Zakat)
3. Causing corruption in society
َ َّ
ٌَ َ ََ َ َ
َ‫َ َّ َ َ َ َ ُ ن‬
َ ُ
َ
َ
َ
﴾٤٠﴿ ‫﴾ في جنات يتساءل ْو‬٣٩﴿ ‫﴾ إال أصحاب اليمین‬٣٨﴿ ‫كل نفس بما كسبت رهينۃ‬
َْ ‫صل‬
ُ‫﴾ َو َلم َنك‬٤٣﴿ ‫ین‬
َ ُ‫﴾ َق ُالوا َلم َن ُك م َن اْل‬٤٢﴿ ‫﴾ َما َس َل َك ُكم في َس َق َر‬٤١﴿ ‫َعن اْلُجرم َین‬
َ
ُ ‫﴾ َو ُك َّنا َن ُخ‬٤٤﴿ ‫ُنطع ُم اْلسك َین‬
)‫وض َم َع الخائض َین (مدثر‬
•
•
About the criminals, (41) [And asking them], "What put you into Saqar?"
(42) They will say, "We were not of those who prayed, (43) Nor did we
used to feed the poor. (44) And we used to enter into vain discourse with
those who engaged [in it],
4. Killing a soul [except when it’s permissible and done for
justice]
ُ َ
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)93 ‫َو َمن َيق ُتل ُمؤمنا ُم َت َعمدا ف َج َزاؤ ُه َج َه َّن ُم خالدا فْ َهيَا (نساء‬
•
But whoever kills a believer intentionally - his recompense is Hell
Sins that result in the wrath of the Hereafter
5. Usurping the wealth of an orphan
ُ ُ َ ُ ُ َ َ َّ ُ ٰ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ ُ ُ َ َ َّ َّ
َ‫َ َ َ َ ن‬
َ
َ
)10 ‫إن الذين يأكلون أموال اليتامى ظلما إنما يأك ْلون في بطوَِم نارا ۖ وسيصلو سعْیرا (نساء‬
•
•
Indeed, those who devour the property of orphans unjustly are only
consuming into their bellies fire. And they will be burned in a
Blaze.
6. Consuming interest
َ َ َٰ
َ َ ُ َ َّ ُ ُ َّ َ َ َ َّ ُ ُ َ َ َ َّ ‫َّ َ َ ُ ُ َن َ َ َ ُ ُ َن‬
َّ
ُ
‫اْلسْ ۖ ذلك بْأَِم‬
ْ ‫الذين يأكلو الربا ال يقومو إال كما يقوم ْالذي يتخبطه الشيطان من‬
َ َ َٰ ُ َ َ َ َ َ
ُ َ
َ‫ُ َ َ ُ ن‬
َّ
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ْ ‫…ومن عاد فأولـئك أصحاب النارْ ۖ ْهم فهيَا خالدو‬.. ۖ ‫قالوا إ َّن َما ال َبي ُع مث ُل الرَبا‬
•
Those who consume interest cannot stand [on the Day of
Resurrection] except as one stands who is being beaten by Satan
into insanity….But whoever returns to [dealing in interest or usury] those are the companions of the Fire; they will abide eternally therein.
(2:275)
7. Committing Adultery (Surah Furqan 68-70)
•
Some intangible worldly punishments
1. Age of person is decreased (No Qiyas)
ٓ
‫ من يموت بالذنوب اکثر ممن یموت باالجال و من یعیش باالحسان اکثر ممن‬:)‫قال الصادق (ع‬
‫یعیش باالعمار‬
• People who die early because of their sins are more than those who die of natural
death, and people who because of their good deeds live longer are more than
those whose long life was predestined.
• Imam told a person who was walking ahead of his father and had his hands on
َ ‫ال‬
his shoulder, that: ‫ ال تدعہ باسمہ‬،‫ ال تجلس قبلہ‬،‫تمشی َّن امام ابیک‬
• Allah just took thirty years from your life
2. Tawfiqat (some good omens are taken away)
َ
َّ ُ ُ َ
ُ ‫نب َف ُی‬
َ ‫الذ‬
‫حرم صالۃ اللیل‬
‫ ان الرجل لیذنب‬: ؑ ‫امام صادق‬
3. Insan is unable to taste the pleasure of worship/prayers
َ
ٌ
‫صانع بعالم غیر عامل بعلمہ اشدْ من‬
‫ ان اھون ما انا‬:‫• خدا بہ حضرت داود (ع) وحی کرد‬
َ
َ ‫سبعین ُع ُقوبۃ ان ُا‬
‫خرج من قلبہ حالوۃ ذکری۔‬
Some tangible worldly punishments
• Some sins decrease sustenance (‫)روزی‬
• One who taunts others will َ be taunted back
َ َ َ َّ
َّ ُ َ َ َ َ َ
َّ ُ ُ َ َ َ
ُ َ
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‫قال رسول الله ص ال تظهر الشماتۃ بأخيك فیرح ْمه الله و يبتليك‬
Do not taunt anyone for their work because Allah will give excuse him from that and
give it to you.
Unlawful relationship before marriage
• Good people are attracted by good people
َّ َ ُ َّ َ َ َّ ُ َ َّ َ
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ْ‫يثات والطيبات للطيبین ْوالطيبون للطيبات‬
ْ ‫الخبيثات للخبيثین والخبيثون للخب‬
)۲۶ ‫(نور‬
• Indecent woman are for indecent men and indecent men are
for indecent woman. Decent women are for decent men and
decent men are for decent women.
َّْ ‫الزاني َال َينك ُح إ َّال َزان َيۃ َأو ُمشر َكۃ َو‬
َّ •
َ‫الزان َي ُۃ َال َينك ُح َها إ َّال َزان َأو ُمشْر ٌك َو ُحرم‬
ُ َ َ َ َٰ
َ
)۳ ‫ین (نور‬
ْ ‫ذلك على اْلؤمن‬
• No one should marry a fornicator except a fornicatress or a
pagan woman. No one should marry a fornicatress except a
fornicator or a pagan man. Such (marriage) is unlawful to the
believers.
• Here we run into a question about the marriage of Prophet Lut and
Nuh, why did they marry such women?
ُ َ ََ َ ُ َ ََ
َ َ َّ َ َ ُ َّ َ َ َ
َ َ
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‫صالحین‬
ْ ‫ين ك َف ُروا امرأت نوح وامرأت ل ْوط كانتا تحت عبدين من عبادنا‬
‫• ضرب اللـه مثال للذ‬
َ
ُ َ َ َ َّ َ َ ُ َ َ ُ َ َ َ ُ َ َ َ َ
َ‫ین‬
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ْ ‫فخانتاهما فلم يغنيا عنَما من اللـه شيئا وقيل ادْخال النار مع الداخل‬
•
God has told the disbelievers the story of the wives of Noah and Lot as a
parable. They were married to two of Our righteous servants but were
unfaithful to them. Nothing could protect them from the (wrath) of God and
they were told to enter hell fire with the others. (Tehrim 10)
 Here its obvious that these two wives were not unfaithful from the point of
illegal relationship, rather they spied on their husband and worked in the favor
of unbelievers.
َ َ
َّ َ َّ َ َ َ َ
َ َ َ ََ
َ َ َّ َ
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‫ن‬
‫ك بيتا في الجنۃْ ونجني من‬
ْ ‫ت فرعو ْ إذْ ق ْالتْ ربْ ابنْ لي عند‬
ْ ‫ين َآم ُنوا امرأ‬
ْ َ ‫ب الل ُْـه َمث ْال للذ‬
ْ ‫• وضر‬
َّ
َ
َ
َ َ
ْ َ ‫ن القومْ الظاْل‬
‫ین‬
ْ ‫فر َعو ْن َو َع َملهْ َونجني م‬
•
To the believers, as a parable, God has told the story of the wife of the Pharaoh
who said, "Lord, establish for me a house in Paradise in your presence. Rescue
me from Pharaoh and his deeds and save me from the unjust people.
 Whereas wife of Firon didn’t accept Moses at the time she married Firon,
actually Musa wasn’t even born at that time, later she brought Iman in him.
Some sexual deviations
•
•
•
•
Self gratification
‫( ناکح البھیمۃ‬involves animal)
‫ لواط‬same sex marriage
‫ زنا‬Adultery
Some elements which drag Insan towards sexual
deviations
1. Dealing with haram music (listening, playing)
dealing with haram music leads to adultery ‫ الغناء ُرقیۃ الزنا۔‬:)‫• قال الرسول (ص‬
2. Thinking about unlawful sexual desires
‫• فقال عیس ٰی بن مریم إن موس ی نبي هللا ع أمركم أن ال تزنوا و أنا آمركم أن ال تحدثوا‬
‫أنفسكم بالزنا فضال عن أن تزنوا فإن من حدث نفسه بالزنا كان كمن أوقد في بيت مزوق‬
)۳۳۱ ،۱۴ ‫فأفسد التزاويق الدخان و إن لم يحترق البيت (بحار االنوار‬
• Its like building a fire in a house painted white, even if he doesn’t
burn the house least it will affect the white paint.
3. ‫ خلوت با نامحرم‬Being alone with non-Mehram
4. Looking at non-Mehram and watching indecent movies
ؑ ‫• قال‬
‫ العین برید القلب‬: ‫علی‬
• ‫ برید‬in Arabic literally means mailman/postman, here it does the
job of a spy, transferring information.
َّ ‫صاحب ََا‬
َّ ‫ َو إ َّي ُاكم َو‬:)‫• عیس ی بن مریم (ع‬
َ ‫الشه َو َة َو َك َفى بْ ََا ل‬
َ ‫النظ َر َة َفإ َِّ ََا َتز َر ُع في َْقلب‬
‫صاحب ََا‬
‫فت َنۃ‬
• Beware of looking at non-mehram as it plants a seed in the heart, which
paves the path َ for corruption
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‫وم َو كْم من نظ َرة أو َرثت َحس َرة طْويلۃ‬
‫ النظر سهم من سهام إبليس مسم‬:)‫• امام صادق (ع‬
• A stare is an arrow from the arrows of Iblees thrown towards you, a stare
which will be followed by a long grief.
َ
ُ ََ ََ َ
َ ‫س في ال َب َدن َش يْ ٌء أ َق َّل ُشكرا م َن ال َعینْ َف َال ُتع ُط‬
َ ‫ َلي‬:‫• امام علی‬
‫وها ُسؤل َها فتشغل ْكم َعن ذكر‬
َّ
‫الله َع َّز َو َجل‬
• Nothing is more greedy and thankless than the eyes among organs,
therefore beware and not fulfill all of its requests. It will derive you away
from the remembrance of Allah.
Some related issues
Q1: Conversation between a boy and a girl in order to become friends and if it is a prelude
for research in order for them to get married, is it permissible?
A: It is not permissible, except the amount which is necessary for marriage. For example, telephone
conversation or a meeting along with chaperon which is enough to get to know one another.
Q2: To what extent sitting and speaking with a non-Mehram is permissible? Is there any
difference if they are related and family members?
A: Speaking with non-Mehram; when there is a danger of joy and pleasure or falling into haram, is
not permissible. In fact one should avoid even if there isn’t any such danger.
Q3: Is shaking hands with cousins allowed?
A: It is haram, it is a first step in becoming a victim of shaitan.
Mixed gathering
Mixed gathering is not allowed except for the
people advanced in age
Educational institutions; such as school and college, where boys and girls
sit together, is it allowed?
Gathering of males and females when there is a danger of
haram, is not permissible.
It is not permissible for a woman to expose the top part of her feet to a
non-mahram onlooker. However, she is allowed to keep her feet —top as
well as sole— exposed during salãt, if she is in a place where she is
immune from the looks of a non-mahram person.
Difference in religion or sects
• A Muslim woman cannot marry an unbeliever regardless if
that person is Ahle Kitab, apostate (Fitri or Milli)
Husband and wife were Christians at the time of their marriage, now wife has accepted
Islam, but husband remains Christian. She performs all wajibat, but when husband is asked
why he doesn’t accept he says may be later, what is the Hukm of this woman?
In the case where husband doesn’t convert, this woman can leave him
without divorce, keeps Iddah. Unless the husband is hiding his faith.
What is the ruling on the marriage of a woman by a person who
believes in one of the sects of Islam?
Since non-Shia is not considered kafir, there is nothing wrong in marrying
that person. Unless there is a fear of going astray, one must avoid.
Differences for not adhering to the religion
Can a woman seek divorce through Hakim if the husband doesn’t allow her
to observe Islamic Hijab? Or forces her to wear makeup in public.
If this action is repeatedly done by husband and results in hurting
woman’s self esteem, Hakim can dissolve their marriage.
A woman married a guy who prayed and fulfilled all the necessities of
religion, but after a while has become ‫تارک الصالۃ‬, moreover denounces
Salat, paradise, and hell. What is the ruling on that?
If he denies Allah and His Apostles or one of the necessities of
religion [like salat], he has become an apostate. She must leave him,
as he has become non-mehram for her, and there is no need of Talaq.
Psychological elements: Carnal Desires
• Illicit relationships before marriage
• Lack of piety after marriage in controlling carnal
desire
• Some causes of decreased carnal desires:
1. Economic issues: Financial problems, unemployment, overtime
all result in destabilizing healthy relationship between husband
and wife. Fear and anxiety make their way in the house because
of financial insecurity. As a result spouses become aggressive
towards each other.
2. Physical and mental fatigue
3. Negative thoughts
4. Being Unfaithful
5. Fear and debate over having children
Nerveless and ill-fitting honor
What is ‫?غیرت‬
• Allah has given us a power called anger. Which can react in
different places where it should defend from that which
should be defended. Reaction to this defense in specific
matters is called ‫ غیرت‬in religion.
Levels and stages of ‫غیرت‬
1. ‫( غیرت خاص‬Specific honor): Anger in places where honor
‫ ناموس‬is at stake, Allah as given this power to the people so
that relations are preserved.
2. ‫( غیرت عام‬Common honor): Getting angry for everything
which belongs to him. Defense from wealth, honor, life,
city, boundary…
3. ‫غیرت عام تر‬: Aside from the abovementioned, becoming
angry for the loss of others, others’ rights, religious
rulings. Defending the rights of weak and oppressed.
• Example of ‫غیرت‬from honorable people:
‫• کانت زینب اذا ارادت الخروج لزیارۃ جدھا رسول هللا ﷺ تخرج لیال والحسن عن‬
ُ ‫یمینھا والحسین عن شمالھا و امیر اْلومنین امامھا فاذا‬
‫قربت من القبر الشریف‬
ُ
ُ
‫سبقھا امیر اْلومنین فاخمد ضوء القنادیل فسألہ الحسن مرۃ عن ذلک فقال اخش ی‬
ٌ ‫ان ینظر‬
‫احد الی شخص زینب‬
Q: If Imam Ali was so brave and ‫ با غیرت‬why did he allow people to
enter his house by force, and in result Hazrat Fatima got injured?
A: Although Allah says: ‫ ال تلقوا بایدیکم الی التھلکۃ‬and protecting ones life
is wajib, but if another wajib which is more important—protecting
the religion—it must be given priority.
• Dispraising lack of honor:
‫ الغیرۃ من االیمان و اْلذاء من النفاق‬: ‫• رسول هللا ﷺ‬
‫ اور بے غیرتی عالمت نفاق‬،‫• غیرت عالمت ایمان ےہ‬
• Effects of ill-fitting honor ‫بی غیرتی‬
• Imam Sadiq (as): A house in which haram music is played for forty
days, religious honor and respect from the household is taken away.
َّ
َ َّ َ َ ُ َ َ َ َ َ
ُ َ َ َ َ ُ َّ َ
ُ
َ
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‫• َر ُس َول الل َه ص أنه قال الغیرة َ من َاْليمانْ َ و أ َيما رجل أحس بش يْء َ مْن الفجور‬
َّ َ َ َ ُ َ ُ َ
َ ‫الل ُه إليه بْطائر َيظل أرَبع َین‬
َ‫ص َباحا َْي ُقو ُل ل ُه ُك َّل َما َد َخل‬
‫ث‬
‫ع‬
‫ب‬
‫ه‬
‫ر‬
‫ی‬
‫غ‬
‫ي‬
‫م‬
‫ل‬
‫و‬
‫ه‬
‫ل‬
‫ه‬
‫أ‬
‫ي‬
‫ف‬
َ
َ
َ
َ َ َ ََ
َ َ َََ َ
َ
ُ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
‫َو خرج غیر َفإن لم يفعل مسح بجناحهْ على عينيه فإن رأى حسنا ْلم يره و إن‬
ُ‫َرأى َقبيحا لم ُينكر ْه‬
• Anyone who feels a misconduct in his family and does not
address it, Allah sends down different means by which he is
given indication to correct that for forty days. Even after that
he doesn’t understand and does nothing to change it, his eyes
can no longer see good and evil doesn’t seem bad to him.
• Places where ‫ غیرت‬is not needed:
- In relation to things that are Halal
• Ahkam of Defense:
1. Defending ones wealth
2. Defending ones soul
3. Defending ones prestige and honor
ٰ ‫• احکام دین ناموس‬
‫الھی ھستند‬
‫ ان سعدا لغیور وانا اغیر من سعد وہللا اغیر منی‬:‫• قال رسول ہللا‬
‫• اگر انسان بر ضد نوامیس ی که خدا قرار داده عمل کند هتک ناموس الهی کرده‬
‫ چنانکه هر غیوری وقتی که ناموسش‬،‫ وقتی انسان هتک ناموس الهی بکند‬.‫است‬
‫هتک میشود عکس العمل شدید نشان میدهد خدا هم عکس العمل شدید نشان‬
.‫میدهد‬
• Everyone protects their ‫ عزت‬and honor
1. Nobody reproaches the Gardner who puts barbwire and
thornes around his garden.
2. Nobody—out of freedom—leaves the door of their
house open all night long.
3. No treasurer leaves his treasure without protection.
4. Everything which has more value, requires more
protection.
5. Everything which is delicate , is prone to theft.
6. Is it not that antique art hanging on the walls of a museum
always says: “do not touch”?
7. All of these laws and commands are result of sound intellect,
and experience.
8. If you leave a bottle of perfume open it will be gone soon.
9. If you don’t put your valuables in a box and lock it and keep
it away from non-Mehram’s eyes, it might get stolen.
10. If you don’t put a net in front of the window, unwanted bugs
would fly in the house. When you close the entrance of these
insects you have protected yourself, not limited or
imprisoned.
11. When you put a barrier or veil in front of your house or
room, you have protected your house from the view of nonMehram, it doesn’t mean you have confined yourself.
َ َ َّ ُ َ َّ َ َ َ
َّ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َّ ُ َ َّ
َ
َ
َ
‫يا نساء النبي لستن كأحد من النساءْ ْۖ إن ْاتقيتن فال تخضعن بالقولْ فيطمع الذي في‬
َ َ َُ ٌ ََ َ
َّ
ُ
‫و‬
‫قلبه مرض وقلن قوال معر فا‬
•
12. Quran also orders us: “Wives of the Prophet, you are not like
other women. If you have fear of God, do not be tender in
your speech lest people whose hearts are sick may lust after
you.”
13. If you keep yourself protected from dangers, hide yourself
from the eyes of onlookers, no one should question you,
why? And if they do, then you know what they are saying is
illogical.
14. People say: “Ones heart should be clean” ‫ دل پاک ہونا چاہیے‬is
only an excuse to cover up for ‫ ال قیدی‬or lawlessness. From
the pure heart nothing but pure should sprout out.
ٓ
ٓ
‫در میوہ ی ان طمع کند راھگذر‬
‫ برون ارد سر‬،‫ ھر شاخہ کہ از باغ‬:‫بقول شاعر‬
 What is ‫?قذف‬
• It means to blame someone for adultery or sodomy
• Punishment for the person doing ‫—قذف‬man or woman—80
lashes.
• Even if someone slanders a dead person, the same ruling will
apply.
َّ ُ ُ َ َ َ
َْ ‫الله ص َمن َق َذ َف ام َ َرأ َت ُه بالزَنا َخ َر َج من‬
َ‫ح َس َناته َك َما َتخ ُر ُج ال َح َّي ُۃ من جْلد َها َو ُْكتب‬
‫• قال رسول‬
َ
َ
َ ُ َ
َ َ ُ
)۲۴۸ ‫ ص‬۱۰۰ ‫ل ُه بكل شع َرة َعلى َب َدنه ألف خطيئۃ (بحار االنوار ج‬
• Whoever associates lies of adultery towards his wife, his own good deeds are
removed from him, like a snake coming out of his skin, all the actions are
dissolved and for every hair he has on his body one thousand sins are written
down for him.
• If a person sets a dowry without the intention of paying it,
according to a Hadith by Prophet he commits ‫ زنا‬every
• How to treat ill thoughts about family members?
‫• عورت کی غیرت سے کیا مراد ےہ؟ معموال حسادت۔‬
• A wife wouldn’t stand husband seeking َ another wife due to jealousy.
ؑ
َْ ‫س ال َغی َر ُة إ َّال للر َجال َو أ َّما الن َس ُاء َفإ َّن َْما َذل َك من َُ َّن َح َس ٌد َو ال َغی َر ُة للر‬
َ‫جال َو ل َ ْذل َك َح َّرم‬
َ ‫ َلي‬:‫صادق‬
ْ
‫• امام‬
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َّ
َّ
َّ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َّ
َ
َ
َّ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
‫َالل ُه على الن َساء إال زوج َها و أح َّل للرجال أربعا و إْن الله أك َر ُم أن َيبتل َهي َُن بال ْغیْ َرة و ُيح َّل للرجال َم َع َها‬
َ
‫و‬
)۵۰۴ ‫ ص‬۵‫ ج‬،‫ثالثاْ (الفر ع من الکافی‬
•
‫ غیرت‬in the meaning of protecting ones honor is wajib, but what women seek to
prevent their husbands from remarriage is not ‫ غیرت‬rather its jealousy. The
reason why a woman can only have one husband at a time, while a man take up
to four wives (with conditions). Allah has made this halal for him. Allah is
above that He makes a woman ‫ غیرتمند‬in this regard which is allowed for the
husband.
Q: Can a woman stipulate in the contract to prevent husband for
remarriage?
A: She can sacrifice her dowry and make a condition that husband will
not remarry (while married to her) or will seek permission before
doing so and it will be correct if they mutually agree to it.*
* All Maraje agree to this, some says Ihtiyat-e-wajib some say wajib to
adhere with this stipulation.
• Does Quran mention more than one wife for the men?
ُ
َّ َ ُ
َ َ َ ُ َ َ ََُ ٰ َ َ َ َ ُ َ َ َ َ ُ َ ٰ َ َ َ
ُ
‫اع ْۖ فإن‬
ْ ‫• َوإن خ َفتم أال تقسطوا في اليتامى فانكحوا ما ْطاب لكم من النساء مثنی وث ْالث ورب‬
َ ُ َ َّ
)۳ ‫خف ُتم أال تعدلوا ف َواح َدةْ (نساء‬
• “And if you fear that you cannot act equitably towards orphans, then marry
such women as seem good to you, two and three and four; but if you fear
that you will not do justice (between them), then (marry) only one”
• This verse of Quran gives permission along with restriction of justice.
ََ َ َ َ ُ َ َ ُ َ َ ََ
ُ
َ
َ
)۱۲۹ ‫• ولن تستطيعوا أن تعدلوا بین النساء ولو حرصْتمْ (نساء‬
• You will never be able to maintain justice among your wives and love them
all equally, no matter how hard you try.
• Permission for up to four wives is a general law, in some instances it was
required, like after wars when a lot of men would lose their lives, their
widows were left without protection, Islam gave this permission of more
than one wife to protect them and provide shelter for them.
‫• اور اس چیز کو ہاتھ سے نکلےن نہ دیا جائے اور سوء استفادہ سے روکا جائے تو فرمادیا‪ :‬اعدلو‬
‫عدل سے کام لو‪ ،‬پھر کہا لن تستطیعوا‬
‫‪۱‬۔ اس لےی کہ تم نان و نفقہ میں تو اعتدال کرسکےت ہو(مادی ضروریات)‬
‫‪۲‬۔ مگر عالقہ و محبت میں ِہیں اور نا ممکن ےہ (معنویات)‪ ،‬مثال پہلی بیوی عمر میں زیادہ‬
‫اس سے محبت الگ‪ ،‬ایک جوان اس سے الگ۔۔۔‬
‫‪۳‬۔ مسلمانوں نے خواتین پر ظلم کےی‪ ،‬اور پھر اسکی ذمہ داری اسالم پر ڈال دی‪ ،‬تاکہ ْوہ‬
‫بدنامی سے بچ َ جائیں۔‬
‫ُ‬
‫َّ‬
‫ال ُكت َب الج َه ُاد َع َلى ر َجال أ َّمتي َْو ال َغی َر ُة َع َلى ن َسائ ََا َف َمن َ‬
‫• َر ُ‬
‫الله ص أ َّن ُه َق َ‬
‫ل‬
‫ن َو‬
‫ص َب َرت مْن َُ َّ ْ‬
‫و‬
‫س‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫َّ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫احت َس َبت أعط َاها الل ُه أج َر شهيد‬
‫‪ on their women,‬غیرت ‪• Allah made Jihad wajib on men of my Ummat and‬‬
‫‪ and leave this‬غیرت ‪whoever among them shows patience in regards to this‬‬
‫‪matter with Allah, Heَ will give her the‬‬
‫َ‬
‫‪َ rewards of a Martyr.‬‬
‫َ َ َّ َّ َ َ َّ َ َ َّ َ‬
‫َ َ َ‬
‫• َعن أبي َجع َ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫ُ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫ُ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫َّ‬
‫اد فجْهاد َ َالرجل‬
‫ه‬
‫ج‬
‫ال‬
‫اء‬
‫س‬
‫الن‬
‫ى‬
‫ل‬
‫ع‬
‫و‬
‫اد‬
‫ه‬
‫ج‬
‫ال‬
‫ال‬
‫ْ‬
‫ج‬
‫الر‬
‫ى‬
‫ل‬
‫ع‬
‫ب‬
‫ت‬
‫ك‬
‫ل‬
‫ج‬
‫و‬
‫ز‬
‫ع‬
‫ه‬
‫الل‬
‫ن‬
‫إ‬
‫ال‬
‫ق‬
‫ع‬
‫ر‬
‫ف‬
‫َ َ ُ َ َ َ‬
‫َّ َ َّ َ َ َّ َ َ ُ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ‬
‫َ‬
‫ُ‬
‫ُ‬
‫َّ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫ُ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫ى‬
‫َأن يبذل َماله و دمه حتی يقتل في سبيل الله ع ْز و جل و جهاد اْلرأة أن تصبر على ْما تر من أذى‬
‫زوج َها َو غی َرته‬
‫‪• Jihad of a woman is to be patience in front of the problems of the house‬‬
‫‪and husband. Making a living with a spouse who has a good income, who‬‬
‫‪, who know their duties is not a skill, rather it is an‬خوش اخالق ‪is‬‬
‫‪accomplishment to make a living with the one who lacks all of these.‬‬
4. Not abiding with clause of marriage
Q: What is ‫?تدلیس‬
A: It is when man or woman is described in disguise. For example not
mentioning some of the defects or mentioning things which this
person doesn’t possess. Like saying the boy is a doctor or engineer
but really isn’t. And if they hadn’t mentioned these things the
marriage would’ve never taken place.
Q: What is the ruling on tadlis?
A: If tadlis is to cover up some physical defects, the contract can be
revoked, the other party has the right to end the contract.
Q: If a person marries a widow and later finds out that she faints quite
often, and he wasn’t told of her condition, does that count as
tadlis?
A: It is not considered tadlis if the defect is not mentioned, but rather
covered when asked about.
Q: Before marriage the boy asked about the girl if there is any defects,
he is told the girl is perfectly allright and rather beautiful. Later
finds out that girl is cross-eyed, and he wanted a religious/hijabi
girl, where this girl doesn’t practice all this, does he have the right
to revoke the marriage?
A: Contract is correct, but if there was a prior condition stipulated for
no defects, and later defects are present, then husband has the
right to revoke.
- Prior to any relationship, dowry is upheld, afterwards he must pay
all the dowry. In divorce prior to relationship, half dowry is paid,
after, all is due.
Q: Prior to marriage a boy does tadlis by lying about being a doctor or
an engineer (or any other specific profession) and knows that girl
agreed for marriage because of it and without it she wouldn’t have
married him, does the girl have the right to revoke this marriage?
A: If there was a precondition in marriage contract about being in a
specific profession, or contract is based on this condition, than girl
does have the right to revoke. Before any relationship she revokes,
no dowry, but after relationship, husband must pay dowry.
5. Discovery of an ailment or defect in spouse
• If the following defects are present in woman, husband has the right to
revoke the marriage.
1. Insanity (‫ )جنون‬even if it is intermittent.
•
if a person was insane prior to marriage then husband has the right to revoke, but if
the wife becomes insane after marriage, he doesn’t have the right t revoke.
2.
3.
Leprosy : Tropical skin and nerve disease
Blindness: Here it means blind from both eyes, so if a person can see
from one eye or has an illness where she can’t see at night time only, it
will not have the same ruling
Being crippled, even if it is not to the extent of immobility.
Presence of flesh or a bone in the woman's uterus, which may or may not
obstruct sexual intercourse or pregnancy. And if the husband finds that
the wife at the time of Nikah, suffered from 'Ifdha' - meaning that her
urinary and menstrual tract have been one, or her menstrual passage
and rectum have been one, he cannot annul the marriage. As an
obligatory precaution, he will have to pronounce talaq if he wants to
dissolve the marriage.
As some of these things might be treatable, if the woman goes ahead
with her own expense for the treatment, right of revoke is dissolved.
4.
5.
•
• If the following defects are present in a man, wife has the
right to revoke the marriage, according to all Maraje.
1. Absence of certain organs
2. Impotent
• Right to revoke according to majority of Maraje:
1. Insanity
2. Leprosy
3. Blindness
• If above conditions were pre existing, then woman has the
right to revoke, after marriage, she doesn’t have the right to
revoke.
• Important points in regards to the right of revoking:
1. Choice of revoking is immediate for both man and woman,
therefore, if they don’t revoke it immediately, Aqd becomes
lazim. Of course not knowing is an excuse (for it being
immediate) and the right remains.
2. Same rules apply for temporary marriage.
•
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Q:
In following cases neither has the right to revoke:
Epilepsy (Seizures)
‫ اغماء‬Fainting
‫عقیم‬Barren/infertile
Addiction
Hiding real age
If a girl lied about her real age and mentioned she is five
years younger than her actual age, and later husband finds
out, does he have the right to revoke?
A: In this quantity, husband doesn’t have the right to revoke,
and if he divorces before any relationship dowry is half.
Reason for crisis are others
A. Reasons when parents have become the cause of crisis and differences
(while being well-wishers)
1. َ Marriage at early age:
َ َ ََ ٌ َ
ََ ٌَ َ
َ َ ُ ‫ؑ َ َ ُ َّ ُ َ و‬
َ
ُ
ُ
ُ
ُ
ُ
َ
َ
‫و‬
‫ق‬
‫ذ‬
‫إ‬
‫ال‬
‫ز‬
‫ا‬
‫جوا و هم صغار لم ي ْكادوا أن‬
‫ قيل له إنا نز ج صبياننا و هم صغار ْف‬:‫صادق‬
‫• ھشام عن امام‬
ْ
َ
)۱۰۴ ‫ ص‬،۲۰ ‫ ج‬،‫َيأتل ُفوا (وسائل الشیعۃ‬
•

Q:
A:

1.
2.
3.
4.
if we marry our kids at young age is that a good thing? Imam replied: Anytime
this takes place there will be less attraction between them, because they didn’t
take this decision themselves.
Marriage of kid prior to their bulugh is makruh
Does Islam permit the marriage of a girl at age nine and boys at age 15?
Nine and fifteen is merely the year when they become baligh, and it doesn’t have
to be the age when they must get married.
Bulugh has four levels:
In the meaning of taklif, where one must obseve wajib and haram
In the meaning of getting ready for fasts, as long as it doesn’t harm them
Bulugh for marriage, when a girl has exceeded in her bodily growth and to
safeguard from any indecency
For financial reasons, so that it doesn’t get usurped.
 What is the ruling on a marriage in which a father gave his two-year old into
marriage with someone , if the daughter after bulugh disagrees and says, “I do not
accept this marriage”?
A: If that marriage was in the interest of the daughter, then she should accept it. But if
it was not (which is usually the case these days) this marriage has no value.
2. Imposed Marriage َ
َ َ ُ
َ
َ
َ َ
َّ
َ ‫ال َت َْز َّوج َّالتي َهو‬
َ
َ‫يت و‬
َ ‫ال ُقل ُت َل ُه إني أر ُيد أن أ َت َز َّو َج امْ َرأة َو إ َّن أ َب َو َّي أ َر َادا َغی َر َها َْق‬
َ ‫الله ع َق‬
‫عن َّأبي عبد‬
َ
َ
)۴۰۱ ‫ ص‬، ۵‫ ج‬،‫َدع التي َيَ َوى أ َب َواك (الفروع من الکافی‬
•
A person said to Imam Sadiq (as) that I want to marry a girl but my parents want
me to marry someone of their choice, what is my duty? Imam replied: marry the
one you want to and leave the one your parents chose for you.
•
Because when you marry someone whom you don’t like from the beginning it
will be a great challenge to make this marriage prosper, and wouldn’t be without
hardships.
Note: This right should not be misused and make one careless of parents’
choice, usually they are doing it for your good, so respect their choice and
even if you disagree turn it down with respect.
 What is the ruling on a marriage taking place with the permission of mother
without the consent of son?
A: Criterion for the contract to be correct is the consent of the son and not mother.
•
 Some parents make a nadhr (covenant) to give their daughter to a Sayyid,
what is the ruling on that?
A: Parents do not have the right to make any nadhr for their children. Even if the
children make this nadhr by themselves and later regret it, their nadhr has no
value.
B: Reasons when parents have become the cause of crisis and
differences (while not being well-wishers)
 A father gives his word to a 39 year old man to marry his 12 year old daughter
with him. Father took some money too, now at the time of marriage the
daughter disagrees, but the father forces her and threatens her to get married,
and the person performing the marriage recites the contract under pressure,
and daughter accepts with displeasure what is ruling on such contract?
A: Contract without the permission and consent of the daughter is not correct, and
if the acceptance was due to pressure, there is no shari value to it and does not
require a divorce.
• For marriage permission from father or grand father is
necessary, but they cannot force their children into marrying
someone they want especially when the abhor it. (show ‫)کراھت‬
Reason for crisis are others (other than parents)
A. Reasons when others have become the cause of crisis and
differences (while being
َ َ well-wishers)
َ
َّ َ
َ
ُ ‫ال َك َت َب َبع‬
َ ‫َعن ُم َح َّمد بن ال َح َسن اْلش َعري َق‬
‫صب َّيۃ َز َّو َج َها‬
َْ ‫ض َبني َ َعمْي إلى أبي َ َج َعفر الثاني ع َما ت ُقو ُل في‬
•
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
َّ
َ
ُ
َ
َ
َ
َ
ُ
َ
َ
َ
َ
)۳۹۴‫ص‬۵‫عم َها فل َّما كب َرت أبت التزويج فكت َب بخطه ال تك َْره على ذلك و اْلم ُر أم ُرها (الفروع من الکافی ج‬
•
Some of my cousins wrote to Imam Jawad (as) about a girl whose uncle
had given her into marriage to someone, when she became baligh, she
refused it. Imam replied: He shouldn’t force her, she has the right to not
agree.
 If some family members force a girl to marry someone when the girl
doesn’t agree, what is the ruling on it?
•
Aside from paternal grandfather, no one in the family has guardianship
over her, thus cannot force.
B. Reasons when others have become the cause of crisis and
differences (while not being well-wishers)
•
Some people try to split the couples for various reasons:
1.
2.
Jealousy, envy
For fun, or out of teasing
• Islam considers that a big sin:
َّ ُ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ َ ُ َ َ َ َ
َ‫الله َو َلع َن ُت ُه في الدن َْيا َو اْلخ َْرة َو َكان‬
‫• و من عمل في َفرقۃ بین ام َرأة و زوجها كان عليْه غضب‬
َّ َ َ َ
َ ‫صخ َرة من َنار َْو َمن َم َش ی في َف َساد َما َبي َن َُ َما َو َْلم ُي َفرق َْك‬
َ ‫الله أن َير‬
َ ‫ض َخ ُه بألف‬
‫ان‬
‫حقا على‬
َ َ َ َّ
َ َ َّ َ َ َّ َ َّ
َ َ ُ َّ َ َّ َ َ َ
َ َ
َ
َ
َ
َ
( ‫اْلخرة و حرم (الله عليهْ) النظر إْلى وجهه‬
ْ ‫في سخط الله عز و جل و لعنته في الدنيا و‬
)۴۶ ‫ ص‬۲۰‫وسائل الشیعۃ ج‬
• Whoever becomes the cause of split and confrontation between a couple,
anger and curse of Allah is on that person in this world and in the Hereafter.
That person deserves to be stoned by Allah (using big flaming stones). And
whoever tries to split a couple but they don’t split, rather their life becomes
very bitter, anger and curse of Allah is on this person. Moreover, he will
not see Allah’s face (probably it means those people who are referred to as
‫ وجہ هللا‬like Prophet and Masumeen).
 This Hadith uses very harsh words to be a lesson so that nobody even
thinks about it.
 Recipient of Allah’s anger and wrath
 Being stoned with flaming stones
 Not being able to see ‫وجہ ہللا‬
‫‪Wrong means to fix the crisis in family matters‬‬
‫‪A. Using magic or sorcery‬‬
‫‪‬‬
‫•‬
‫‪‬‬
‫•‬
‫•‬
‫کچھ دعا نویس‪ ،‬دعائیں لکھےت ہیں‪ :‬کس ی کی زبان بند کر نے کے لےی‪ ،‬خوش بختی ‪ ،‬چلہ‪ ،‬محبت‪ ،‬چیزوں کو‬
‫کھولنا جو بند‪ ،‬جادو کوتوڑ نے کے لےی‪ ،‬یا ایس ی ہ ی چیزیں لوگوں کو بیچےت ہیں‪ ،‬کیا ایس ی دعائیں موجود ہیں؟‬
‫یہ کام لوگ معموال اپےن سود و منافع کے لےی کر تے ہیں تاکہ لوگوں کو اپنا شیدائی بنا سکیں‬
‫ُ‬
‫دعا نویس ی صرف کس ی خاص دعا کو لکھ کر اپےن پاس رکھنا ےہیا اسکے عالوہ بھی؟ مثال‪ :‬اس کاغذ کو جس پر‬
‫دعا لکھی ےہ پانی میں گھولنا‪ ،‬کس ی کو کھالنا‪ ،‬یا جالدینا‪ ،‬ہوا میں رکھنا‪ ،‬پتھر کے نیچے دبانا‪ ،‬یا دفن کرنا یا‬
‫بہےت پانے میں پھینکنا؟ ان چیزوں کاکتنا اعتبار ےہ؟‬
‫دعا کو َجالنا مطلقا حرام ےہ۔ لیکن دھونا اور پانی میں بہانا وہ ی عریضہ کی مانند ےہ جو کہ کچھ دعاؤں کے‬
‫لےی صحیح ےہ‬
‫ََ َ َ َ ُ َ‬
‫ُ‬
‫ُ َ َ ُ َ َ َّ َ َ َ َ َ َ ُ ُ َّ‬
‫َّ‬
‫َ َ َ َّ َ ٌ‬
‫ََ ُ َ‬
‫َ‬
‫َّ‬
‫َ‬
‫َق َ‬
‫ل‬
‫ال لها َرسو الله ص أف‬
‫ال َر ُسو ُل الله ص المرأة سألته أن لي زوجا و به علي غلظۃ ْو إني صنعت شيئا ْلعط ْفه علي فق ْ‬
‫َ َ ُ َ َ ُ َ َ َ َ ُ َّ َ َ َ َ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ َ‬
‫َ‬
‫َ ُ‬
‫ال َف َ‬
‫اْلْرض َق َ‬
‫اْلرأة َِ ََا َر َها َو ق َامت‬
‫ص َامت ْ‬
‫لك ك َّدرت الب َح َار َو ك َّدرت الط َین َو ل َع َنتك اْلالئكۃ اْلخي ْار و مالئكۃ السماوات و‬
‫َ َ‬
‫وح َف َب َل َغ َذل َك َّ‬
‫َلي َل َها َو َح َل َقت َرأ َس َها َو َلب َست اْلُ ُس َ‬
‫النب َّي ص َْف َق َ‬
‫ال إ َّن ذل َك ال ُيق َب ُل من ََا (من ال یحضرہ الفقیہ ج ‪۳‬‬
‫ص‪)۴۴۵‬‬
‫‪A woman came to holy Prophet and said, my husband is a bit harsh on me, I used‬‬
‫‪magic to tame him so that he’d be nice to me. Am I right in doing this? Prophet‬‬
‫‪replied: Woe on to you, you tarnished ocean and land with this action; (metaphor‬‬
‫‪for making water and land polluted), best of the Angels of Earth and Heaven are‬‬
‫‪cursing at you. That woman went back and became busy in Ibadat—day and‬‬
‫•‬
‫‪B. Curse/imprecation instead of logical‬‬
‫‪solutions‬‬
‫‪Life is shorten for a spouse who curses. Hadith by Imam Sadiq (as):‬‬
‫‪‬‬
‫•‬
‫ب عحب َِد اللََِّه ع إِ حَذ جاءََهُ ر ُجلَ أ حَو م حوًلَ‬
‫ت ِعحندَ أِ َ‬
‫ب الحعَل َِء قالَ ُكحن َُ‬
‫ي بح َِن أِ َ‬
‫اْلُس ح َِ‬
‫ُرِويَ ع َِن ح‬
‫ت ف علَ اللََّهُ بَِِه وَ‬
‫ك قَال حَ‬
‫ن ِِبا ف قالَ َلا ما لِزحوِج َِ‬
‫ل َهُ ي حش ُكو زحوجت َهُ وَ ُسوءَ ُخ حل ِقها قالَ فأحَتِِ َ‬
‫ف علَ ف قالَ َلا إِ حَن ث بتَ على هذا َل ت َعِ ِ‬
‫ت ما َأُب ِ َ‬
‫ام قال حَ‬
‫يشي إََِّّل ثَلثةَ أيَّ َِ‬
‫ال أ حَن ّلَ أرَهُ أبدَاً‬
‫ح‬
‫ف قالَ ل َهُ ُخ حَذ بِي َِد زحوجتِكَ ف لحيسَ ب حي نكَ وَ ب حي ن ها إََِّّل ثَلثةَ أيَّامَ فَل َّما كانَ الحي حوَُم الثَّالِ َُ‬
‫ث‬
‫ت ما‬
‫ت زحوجَتُكَ قالَ ق حَد وَ اللََِّه دف حنتُها ال َّساعةَ قُ حل َُ‬
‫الر ُج َُل ف قالَ ع ما ف عل حَ‬
‫دخلَ علحي َِه َّ‬
‫االنوار ج ‪۴۸‬‬
‫ْ‬
‫بحار‬
‫ت ُمت عدي َةً ف بت رَ الَلََّهُ عُ ُمرها وَ أراح َهُ ِمحن ها ( ْ‬
‫كانَ حا َُلا قالَ كان حَ‬
‫ص‪)۹۷‬‬
‫‪A wife who cursed her husband, Imam said you only‬‬
‫‪have three days to live. When we asked Imam about her‬‬
‫‪he said: She was a woman who trespassed Allah’s‬‬
‫‪boundaries therefore Allah cut her life short.‬‬
‫•‬
C. Being impetuous and violent ‫تندی و خشونت‬
•
•
How to control the anger in a husband wife relationship?
A brave person is the one who can prove his/her bravery in
front of anger. Bravest of all is one who owns his/her anger.
• One who can lessen his anger in front of others, Allah will
lessen His anger in front of him.
• Wife in the house, not only she shouldn’t get angry but also
she should be the force in putting out the anger of husband.
HOW TO DO THAT?
• Delay your reaction by five minutes. And you will have full
control over your anger in few practices.
• This practice can replace all the doctors’ treatments and anger
pills.
Correct solution to fix the crisis in family matters
A. First solution: Seeking help from Allah and
tawassul with Awliya Allah
• A woman came to Imam Sadiq (as) and asked him,
O Imam my husband does not like what should I do?
Imam replied: ‫علیک بالصالۃ اللیل‬
• After a while she came back and thanked Imam and
said: My husband from that time on started liking
me to the extent that cannot be compared to anyone.
• Imam said: God have mercy on the woman who gets
up in the morning and wakes her husband up, and
husband who does the same to his wife, and they
pray Namaz-e-Shab.
B. Second solution: Putting yourself in their shoes
ِ ‫ ياَب نَت ف َّهمَو‬
ِ
َ‫بَلِغ حِْيك‬
‫َو‬
‫ِت‬
‫ي‬
‫ص‬
َّ
َّ ‫َاجع حلَن حفسَك َِميزاناًَفِيماَب حي نكَوَب حيَغَ حِْيكَوَأ ِح‬
َّ
‫ح‬
ُ
‫ح‬
ِ
ِ
ِ
ِ
ِ
ِ
َ‫بَأ حنََتُظحلمَوَأ ححس حن‬
ُ ‫بَلن حفسكَوَا حكرحهَلهَُماَت حكرهََُلَاَّلَتظحل حمَكماَّل‬
ُ ‫م‬
ُّ ‫َُت‬
ُّ ‫اَُت‬
ُِ ‫كم‬
)‫ وصيۃ أمیر اْلؤمنین إلى الحسن‬205 ‫ص‬74 ‫اْلنوارج‬
ْ ‫َُيسنَإِلحيك (بحار‬
ُ‫بَأ حن ح‬
ُّ ‫اَُت‬
•
•
Imam Ali said to his son: “O my son understand my will
correctly, make your nafs a scale between others and yourself,
like for others that which you like for yourself, and dislike for
others that which you dislike for yourself. Do not oppress
anyone the same way you don’t want to be oppressed. Be kind
to others the way you would want them to be kind to you.
ِ
ِ ‫َُت ِفر َِِل‬
ِ
َ‫َح حَفرًةَف ت قع‬
‫يك‬
‫خ‬
‫َّل‬
‫و‬
]
‫اب‬
َ
‫ت‬
َ
‫غ‬
‫ت‬
‫ف‬
[
َ‫َفتغتب‬
‫ب‬
‫ت‬
‫غ‬
‫َت‬
‫َّل‬
‫ال‬
‫َعَق‬
‫ق‬
‫اد‬
‫َالص‬
َّ ‫ع ِن‬
‫ُح‬
ُ
‫ح ح‬
‫حح‬
ِ ‫فِيهاَفِإنَّكَكماَت‬
)248 ‫ص‬72 ‫اْلنوارج‬
ْ ‫نَ(بحار‬
‫د‬
ُ ‫ينَتُدا‬
ُ
Do not back bite, or someone will backbite you. Do not dig a
hole for your brother, lest you fall in it your self. Because how
you treat others, you’ll be treated the same way.
•
Story of a woman who learned from her 12 year old son. She would
get into fight with her mother-in-law, and asked her husband to
choose between one of them. One day this son said to his mother I
won’t get married, because what will I do when my wife asks me to
choose between you and her?
C. Third solution: Talking with mutual understanding ( ‫تکلم‬
‫)و تفاھم‬
• Spouses must understand if they don’t want to be with one
another, or make compromises to reach mutual
understanding, even if all the Prophets would come and
advise them, it’s not going to make any difference.
• In order for them to make mutual understanding the ruling
hakim in the house, they must pay attention to the
following:
1. No one is Masoom (infallible): therefore possibility of
mistake exists in either one of them, even repeatedly.
2. Whoever makes a mistake or lapses, leave it to that
they have admitted their fault, apologized and
promised to not repeat.
ؑ
)447 ‫ ص‬،‫ املعذرةَبرهانَالعقل (غرر الحکم‬:ۖ
ْ ‫ قالَامْيَاملومني‬
•
Apologizing (after a mistake) is a sign of a wise person.
3. Accepting the apology right away even if the mistake
has happened before
ؑ
)447 ‫ ص‬،‫ شرَالناسَمنَّلَيقبلَالعذرَوَّلَيقيلَالذنبَ(غرر الحکم‬:ۖ
ْ ‫ قالَامْيَاملومني‬
•
Worst of the mankind is the one who doesn’t accept the apology
to end the differences and disputes (person who holds grudges).
• Note: Not all apologies should be accepted.
1. After dishonor
2. If one harms another physically…
4. In doing ‫( اصالح‬reconciling) or mentioning ones
defects, following must be adhered:
•
•
•
•
Before mentioning defects, mention some good habits and
positive things about that person, and thank him.
When mentioning defects don’t bombard them, rather mention
one thing at a time and correct it.
Make sure the time and place is appropriate.
Don’t mention defects in front of others (strangers)
ؑ
‫ن‬
ۖ
)‫صحكَبيَاملإلَتقريعَ[تفريع] (غرراْلكم‬
:
ْ
ُ ُ ‫ قالَامْيَاملومني‬
Imam Ali (as) said: Giving advice in public is destroying ones personality.
•
Before you mention someone else’s defects, count your own
shortcomings or else it won’t have any effects.
ؑ
ِ
ِ
ِ
ِ
)353‫كب رَالحعحيبَأ حنَتعيبَماَفيكََمثح لُهَُ(نھج البالغۃ قصار‬
ُ ‫ أ ح‬:ْۖ ‫ قالَامْيَاملومني‬
Biggest vice is the one who counts others defects while he possesses the
same himself.
َ‫۞ أتأح ُم ُرونَالنَّاسَبِالحِِبَوتنس حونَأن ُفسَ ُك حمَوأنتُ حمَت حت لُونَالح ِكتابَ ۚ أفَلَت حع ِقلُون‬
)44 ‫(بقرہ‬
Would you order people to do good deeds and forget to do them yourselves even though
you read the Book? Why do you not think?
•
Event when Hazrat Isa (as) had to use Hazrat Yahya (as) for
punishing someone.
D. Seeking guidance from scholars and people with
experience
)‫ مجاعَاخلْيَيفَاملشاورةَوَاِلخذَبقولَالنصي (غرراْلكم‬:ؑ ‫ قالَامْيَاملومني‬
All the goods lie in consulting and acting on the advices of well-wishers.
E. Exhorting and advising
ِ ‫الَلِِتََتافُونَنُشوزه َّنَفعِظُوه َّن ََواهجروه َّن َِيفَالحمض‬
َّ
ِ
َ‫وه ََّن ۚ فِإ حن‬
‫ب‬
‫ر‬
َ
‫اض‬
‫َو‬
‫ع‬
‫اج‬
‫۞ و‬
ِ
‫ح‬
ُ
‫ح‬
ُُ
ُ ُُ
ُ
ُ
ِ ‫َخ حفتُم‬
ِ ‫ وإِ حن‬...‫يَل‬
ِ‫أط حعن ُكمَفَلَت حب غُواَعلحي ِه َّنَسب‬
َ‫َشقاقَب حينِ ِهماَفَابحعثُواَحك ًما‬
َ
ً
‫ح‬
‫ح‬
ِ‫منَأهلِ ِهَوحكماَمنَأهل‬
ِ
ِ
ِ
)34 & 35َ‫هما (نساء‬
َُ ‫صَل ًحاَيُوف ِقَاللَّهَُب حي ن‬
َ
‫إ‬
َ‫ا‬
‫يد‬
‫ر‬
‫نَي‬
‫إ‬
َ‫ا‬
‫ه‬
‫ً ح ح‬
‫ح ح‬
‫ح‬
ُ
Admonish women who disobey (God's laws), do not sleep with them and
beat them. If they obey (the laws of God), do not try to find fault in them.
If there appears to be discord between a wife and her husband and if
they desire reconciliation choose arbiters from the families of both
sides. God will bring them together
•
•
what is ‫ ?نشوز‬Literally it means: elevated land and in
terminology it refers to rebellion (flying high)
Allah says: ‫ فعظوھن‬exhort them, advice them, if you fear
rebellion from them.
•
1.
2.
3.
•
If exhorting and advice didn’t work the next step:
Admonish
Separate beds
Punishment
The last resort doesn’t mean beating up the wife! Rather there
has been many ahadith to back up this verse of Quran, which
permits using physical punishment.
• Prophet (s) said: Hitting should not be in a way that it leave
marks (bruises) on the body or to show off that you are a
macho man. ‫ضربا ً غیر مبرّج‬
Question: Why even mention hitting, even if it’s like hitting
with the tooth brush (‫?)مسواک‬
‫ زدنى كه ْاز‬،‫ زدن با چوب مسواك و شبيه آن است‬،»ْ‫ مقصود از «اضربوهن‬:ؑ ‫امام صادق‬
‫روى رفق و دوستی باشد‬
• Dealing with reprehensible acts (‫ )منکرات‬is step
ِ ‫فعِظُوه َّنَواهجروه َّن َِيفَالحمض‬
ِ
by step َ‫وه َّن‬
‫ب‬
‫ر‬
‫اض‬
‫َو‬
َ
‫ع‬
‫اج‬
ِ
ُُ‫ح‬
ُ ُُ ‫ُ ح‬
1. As long as advice is helpful, harshness and severity is not
allowed. As long as being harsh and changing bed is helpful
physical punishment is not allowed.
2. Being harsh and using punishment is only to perform the
obligation and not for revenge or spite (enmity). Because
Allah says: َ‫يَل‬
ً ِ‫فِإ حنَأط حعن ُك حمَفَلَت حب غُواَعلحي ِه َّنَسَب‬
3. Men’s superiority should not make him haughty and arrogant,
Quran says: ًَ‫انَاللّهَكانَعلياًَكبْيا‬
4. Remembering that Allah is above all is the key to Taqwah and
avoiding punishing the spouse. ًَ‫انَاللَّهَكانَعليا‬
ِ ‫َخ حفتُم‬
ِ ‫• وإِ حن‬
َ‫َشقاقَب حينِ ِهماَفابحعثُواَحَك ًماَم حنَأ حهلِ ِهَوحك ًماَم حنَأ حَهلِهاَإِنَيُِريدا‬
‫ح‬
‫صَل ًحاَيُوف ِقَاللَّهَُب حي ن ُهما‬
‫إِ ح‬
•If there appears to be discord between a wife and her husband and if they
desire reconciliation choose arbiters from the families of both sides.
Q: Why family members?
1. Members from each side of the family will have more concern
and they will be well-wishers and strive to resolve and keep the
issue within the family.
2. This court is easy to establish, results are quicker, requires no
paper work of regular courts.
3. Secrets of the family issues do not reach outside of house
• Some Key Points:
• ‫ وان خفتم‬points out that counseling must be done prior to discord,
that’s why Quran says, “if you fear”
• ‫ وان خفتم‬also points out one shouldn’t interfere in family matters
until they fear discord.
• Wife and Husband are one soul in two bodies, ‫ شقاق‬is used in
places where one reality is divided into two parts.
• People should hasten to do reconciliation between spouses
because Allah says: ‫ فاء تسریع‬،‫فابعثوا‬
• Don’t drag all matters to the court (specially family matters),
Allah says: ‫حکما من اھلہ و حکما من اھلھا‬
• Whenever people hope to reconcile with good intentions, Allah
will bring them together, ‫ان یریدا اصالحا یوفق ہللا بینھما‬
ؑ
‫ باملواعظَتنجليَالغفلة‬:ْۖ ‫قالَامْيَاملومني‬
With advice negligence (‫ )غفلت‬is driven away
ؑ
َ‫ مثرةَالوعظَاّلنتباه‬:ْۖ ‫ قالَامْيَاملومني‬
Fruit of advice is awareness
F. Lessening the love (or showing lack of love)
•
•
One of the most effective ways of tarbiyat is showing lack of
love and care.
َ َ ُ َ َ
َ َ ََ
ُ َ َ ُ ُ َ ُ
َ
َ
َ
ُ
) ‫شكوت إلى أبي الحسن موس ی ع ابنا لي فقال ال تضربْه و اْجره و ال تطلْ (بحار االنوار‬
One of the companions of Imam Musa Kazim (as) said: I complained to Imam
regarding [bad habits] of my son, Imam replied: Do not hit him instead show
your disgust with anger, but don’t stretch this anger for too long.
Same is done in dealing with spouse (wife)
ِ ‫َيفَالحمض‬
ِ‫الَلِِتََتافُونَنُ ُشوزه َّنَفع‬
َّ ‫و‬
‫َو‬
‫ن‬
‫وه‬
‫ظ‬
‫ج‬
‫اه‬
‫ر‬
)۳۴َ‫اج َِع (نساء‬
َ ِ ‫وه َّن‬
ُ
َّ
‫ح‬
ُ
ُ
ُ ُُ
Admonish women who disobey (God's laws), do not sleep with them
• But this should not prolong.
Notes in this slide are from the book “Ahkam-eKhavadeh” volume 2, by Muhammad Wahidi