Transcript Slide 1
Bouncing Back:
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Cape Cod Institute
August 4-8, 2014
Bouncing Back
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Linda Graham, MFT
[email protected]
www.lindagraham-mft.net
415-924-7765
All the world is full of suffering.
It is also full of overcoming.
- Helen Keller
Boundin’ video
All the world is full of suffering.
It is also full of overcoming.
- Helen Keller
Suffering
External stressors
Internal stressors
Stress response
Resilience – cope and bounce back
Survival responses
Fight-flight-freeze-appease
Shut down, numb out, collapse
Resilience
Hardiness
Coping
Flexibility
Hardiness
Capacities of determination and grit
Capacities to last, to endure
Capacities to persevere, to follow through
Flexibility
Adaptability, capacity to shift gears
It is not the strongest of the species that
survives, nor the most intelligent. It is the one
that is the most adaptive to change.
- Charles Darwin
Coping
Face and deal with disappointments,
difficulties, even disasters
Bounce back from troubles, from adversity,
from the unexpected, from the truly awful
Resilience
Deal with challenges and crises
Bounce back from adversity
Recover our balance and equilibrium
Find refuges and maximize resources
Cope skillfully, flexibly, adaptively
Shift perspectives, open to possibilities, create
options, find meaning and purpose
6 C’s of Coping
Calm
Compassion
Clarity
Connections to Resources
Competence
Courage
Calm
Manage disruptive emotions
Tolerate distress
Down-regulate stress to return to baseline
equilibrium
Compassion
Respond to pain and suffering with open
heart, interested mind, willingness to help
Care, concern for problems and blocks that derail resilience
Empathy, compassion for feelings and suffering
of self, others
Skillful behaviors in response to difficulties and
differences
Clarity
Focused attention on present moment
experience
Improves cognitive functioning
Self-awareness, self-reflection
Shifting perspectives
Discerning options
Choose wise actions
Connections to Resources
People, Places Practices
Counter-balance brain’s negativity bias
Strengthen inner secure base
Access resources
Competence
Empowerment and mastery from changing old
coping strategies, learning new ones
Embodying, “I am somebody who CAN do
this.”
Courage
Using signal anxiety as cue to:
Try something new
Take risks
Move resilience beyond personal self
Evolution of Human Brain
Reptilian – brainstem
Mammalian – limbic
Human - cortex
Avoid
Brainstem – assess safety-danger
Limbic – automatic survival responses
Fight-flight-freeze
Shut down, numb out, collapse
Cortex – strategies for withdrawal, limits and
boundaries, defenses
Approach
Brainstem – seek pleasure/reward
Limbic – seek protection and comfort
Cortex – seek empathy, understanding,
validation; conscious reflection, choices
Attach
Brainstem – social engagement system
Limbic – fear-attachment-exploration motivational
system; emotional valence of experience
Cortex – regulate emotions; “rules” of relationship,
social-emotional intelligence
Attachment kindles maturation of pre-frontal cortex
Attachment Styles - Secure
Parenting is attuned, empathic, responsive,
comforting, soothing, helpful
Attachment develops safety and trust, and
inner secure base
Stable and flexible focus and functioning
Open to learning
inner secure base provides buffer against
stress, trauma, and psychopathology
Insecure-Avoidant
Parenting is indifferent, neglectful, or critical,
rejecting
Attachment is avoidant of people and
emotions, withdrawn, compulsively self-reliant
Stable, but not flexible
Focus on self or world, not others or emotions
Rigid, defensive, not open to learning
Neural cement
Insecure-Anxious
Parenting is inconsistent, unpredictable
Attachment is clingy, needy, compulsive
caregiving
Flexible, but not stable
Focus on other, not on self-world,
Less able to retain learning
Neural swamp
Disorganized
Parenting is frightening or abusive, or parent is
“checked out,” not “there”
Attachment is paralysis, fright without solution
Lack of focus
Moments of dissociation
Compartmentalization of trauma
Pre-Frontal Cortex
Executive center of higher brain
Evolved most recently – makes us human
Development kindled in relationships
Matures the latest – 25 years of age
Most integrative structure of brain
Evolutionary masterpiece
CEO of resilience
Functions of Pre-Frontal Cortex
Regulate body and nervous system
Quell fear response of amygdala
Manage emotions
Attunement – felt sense of feelings
Empathy – making sense of expereince
Insight and self-knowing
Response flexibility
Evolutionary legacy
Genetic templates
Family of origin conditioning
Norms-expectations of culture-society
Who we are and how we cope….
…is not our fault.
- Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind
Given neuroplasticity
And choices of self-directed neuroplasticity
Who we are and how we cope…
…is our responsibility
- Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind
Modern Brain Science
The field of neuroscience is so new,
we must be comfortable not only
venturing into the unknown
but into error.
- Richard Mendius, M.D.
Neuroscience of Resilience
Neuroscience technology is 20 years old
Meditation improves attention and impulse
control; shifts mood and perspective; promotes
health
Oxytocin can calm a panic attack in less than a
minute
Kindness and comfort, early on, protects against
later stress, trauma, psychopathology
Neuroplasticity
Greatest discovery of modern neuroscience
Growing new neurons
Strengthening synaptic connections
Myelinating pathways – faster processing
Creating and altering brain structure and circuitry
Organizing and re-organizing functions of brain
structures
The brain changes itself - lifelong
The brain is shaped by experience. And because
we have a choice about what experiences we
want to use to shape our brain, we have a
responsibility to choose the experiences that
will shape the brain toward the wise and the
wholesome.
- Richard J. Davidson, PhD
Mechanisms of Brain Change
Conditioning
New Conditioning
Re-Conditioning
De-Conditioning
Conditioning
Experience causes neurons to fire
Repeated experiences, repeated neural firings
Neurons that fire together wire together
Strengthen synaptic connections
Connections stabilize into neural pathways
Conditioning is neutral, wires positive and
negative
New Conditioning
Choose new experiences
Gratitude practice, listening skills, focusing
attention, self-compassion, self-acceptance
Create new learning, new memory
Encode new wiring
Install new pattern of response
Re-conditioning
Memory de-consolidation – re-consolidation
“Light up” neural networks
Juxtapose old negative with new positive
Neurons fall apart, rewire
New rewires old
Modes of Processing
Focused
Tasks and details
New conditioning and re-conditioning
De-focused
Default network
Mental play space
De-conditioning
De-Conditioning
Default network
De-focusing, loosens grip
Creates mental play space
Can open to worry, rumination
Can open to plane of open possibilities
Brain makes new links, associations
New insights, new behaviors
Practices to Accelerate Brain Change
Presence – primes receptivity of brain
Intention/choice – activates plasticity
Perseverance – creates and installs change
Kindness is more important than wisdom,
And the recognition of that is the beginning of
wisdom.
- Theodore Rubin
Neuroscience of Empathy
Emotional communication is 93% non-verbal
Social engagement system
Dyadic regulation
Fusiform gyrus regulates amygdala
Vagal brake
Restores equilibrium
Mindfulness and Compassion
Awareness of what’s happening
(and our reactions to what’s happening)
Acceptance of what’s happening
(and our reactions to what’s happening)
Attention circuit and resonance circuit
Two most powerful agents of brain change known to
science; both foster response flexibility
Integration
Reflection
See clearly
Resonance
Embrace wholeheartedly
May I meet this moment fully;
May I meet it as a friend.
Conditioning
Neurons that fire together wire together.
- Donald Hebb
Conditioning
Brainstem: No! Yes.
Limbic: The roots of resilience are to be found
in the felt sense of being held in the mind and
heart of an empathic, attuned, and selfpossessed other. - Diana Fosha, PhD
Cortex: Attachment patterns of response
Intelligences
Somatic - body-based, rewire trauma
Emotional - from survival responses to thriving
Relational - heal heartache, access havens and
resources, navigate peopled world
Reflective – conscious awareness; catch the
moment, make a choice
New Conditioning
Strengthen pre-frontal cortex
Brain more resilient
Brain more receptive
We are more resilient
Cues to Practice - ANTS to PATS
Identify habitual negative pattern of response
Identify new, positive response to counter/replace
Identify cue word or phrase to name negative and
positive
Criticism - Compassion
Use cue to break automaticity and change the
channel
Repeat the practice as many times as necessary
Re-conditioning
Resource with memory of someone’s compassion
toward you
Evoke compassion for your self
Evoke memory of someone being critical of you
(or inner critic)
Hold awareness of criticizing moment and
compassionate moment in dual awareness
Drop the criticizing moment; rest in the
compassionate moment
Wished for Outcome
Evoke memory of what did happen
Imagine new behaviors, new players, new
resolution
Hold new outcome in awareness,
strengthening and refreshing
Notice shift in perspective of experience, of
self
De-Conditioning
Imagination
Guided visualizations
Guided meditations
Reverie, daydreams
Brain “plays,” makes own associations and
links, connect dots in new ways
Reflect on new insights
Wiser Self
Imagine being in your safe place
Imagine meeting your Wiser Self who embodies
all of your best qualities and strengths
Ask your Wiser Self
How did you come to be wise, happy, content?
What did you have to overcome?
Listen to words of advice for your journey
Receive object to remember Wiser Self by
Bouncing Back
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Linda Graham, MFT
[email protected]
www.lindagraham-mft.net
415-924-7765
Bouncing Back:
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Somatic Intelligence
Cape Cod Institute
August 4-8, 2014
Calm
Manage disruptive emotions
Tolerate distress
Down-regulate stress to return to baseline
equilibrium
Keep Calm and Carry On
Serenity is not freedom from the storm
but peace amidst the storm.
- author unknown
Window of Tolerance
SNS – explore, play, create, produce…. OR
Fight-flight-freeze
Baseline physiological equilibrium
Calm and relaxed, engaged and alert
WINDOW OF TOLERANCE
Relational and resilient
Equanimity
PNS – inner peace, serenity…. OR
Numb out, collapse
Hand on the Heart
Touch – oxytocin – safety and trust
Deep breathing – parasympathetic
Breathing ease into heart center
Brakes on survival responses
Coherent heart rate
Being loved and cherished
Oxytocin – direct and immediate antidote to
stress hormone cortisol
Oxytocin
Hormone of safety and trust, bonding and
belonging, calm and connect
Brain’s direct and immediate antidote to stress
hormone cortisol
Can pre-empt stress response altogether
A single exposure to oxytocin can create a lifelong
change in the brain. – Sue Carter, PhD
Touch
Hand on heart, hand on cheek
Head rubs, foot rubs
Massage back of neck
Hold thumb as “inner child”
Hugs – 20 second full bodied
Calm through the Body
Hand on the Heart
Body Scan
Progressive Muscle Relaxation
Movement Opposite
Calm – Friendly Body Scan
Awareness
Breathing gently into tension
Hello! and gratitude
Release tension, reduce trauma
Progressive Muscle Relaxation
Body cannot be tense and relaxed at the
same time
Tense for 7 seconds, relax for 15
Focused attention calms the mind
Calm through Movement
Body inhabits posture of difficult emotion (40
seconds
Body moves into opposite posture (40 seconds)
Body returns to first posture (20 seconds)
Body returns to second posture (20 seconds)
Body finds posture in the middle (30 seconds
Reflect on experience
“Power posing” – Amy Cuddy TED talk
Compassion
Respond to pain and suffering with open
heart, interested mind, willingness to help
Mindful Self-Compassion:
Keep heart open and mind engaged when dealing
with difficult events and difficult emotions that
arise is response to events
Practice not to feel better but because we feel
bad
Self-Compassion
Threat-protection system
Cortisol driven
Pleasure-reward system
Dopamine driven
Caregiving-soothing-comfort system
Oxytocin driven
Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind
Self-Compassion
Powerful and immediate antidote to self-criticism, self-
loathing
More effective in restoring well-being than self-esteem
Practice not to feel better but because we feel bad
Treat ourselves with care and understanding rather
than harsh judgment
Putting own oxygen mask on first when other people
are not around
Compassion leads to calm leads to clarity
Emotional support needed for change and growth
Self-Compassion - Research
Normalize vulnerability as part of human
condition
Not weak or selfish; powerful motivator out of
care and wishes for well-being
Less anxiety, depression, stress, rumination,
shame, fear of failure
Greater responsibility for past mistakes
More self-confidence and resilience
Compassion for Others - Self
Remember moment of receiving compassion and
care from another
Remember moment of offering compassion and
care to another
Evoke felt sense of sending/receiving compassion
in your body
When flow of compassion – open heart - is
steady…
Place yourself in flow of compassion, care,
concern; send compassion to your self
Self-Compassion Break
Notice-recognize: this is a moment of suffering
Ouch! This hurts! This is hard!
Pause, breathe, hand on heart or cheek
Oh sweetheart!
Self-empathy
I care about my own suffering, me as experiencer
Drop into calm; hold moment with awareness;
breathe in compassion and care
May I meet this moment fully; may I meet it as a
friend
Self-Compassion Break, cont.
My pain is the pain; I’m not the only one
Kindness to self: May I be safe; May I be peaceful;
May I be free of fear; May I be free of shame; May
I accept myself just as I am; May I know this, too,
will pass; May I know I can be skillful here
Choose wisely: re-direct, shift the channel;
practice gratitude, metta; share pain with caring
other; notice coping and easing of suffering
One for Me; One for You
Breathing in, “nourishing, nourishing”
Breathing out, “soothing, soothing”
In imagination, “nourishing for me, nourishing
for you, soothing for me, soothing for you”
“One for me, one for you”
Practice breathing “one for me, one for you”
when in conversation with someone
Courage
Yes, risk-taking is inherently failure-prone.
Otherwise, it would be called sure thingtaking
- Tim McMahon
Do One Scary Thing a Day
Venture into New or Unknown
Somatic marker of “Uh, oh”
Dopamine disrupted
Cross threshold into new
Satisfaction, mastery
Dopamine restored
Human Brain:
Evolutionary Masterpiece
100 billion neurons
Each neuron contains the entire human genome
Neurons “fire” hundreds of time per second
Neurons connect to 5,000-7,000 other neurons
Trillions of synaptic connections
As many connections in single cubic centimeter of
brain tissue as stars in Milky Way galaxy
Practices as Resources
Yoga, meditation, tai chi, chi gong
Sleep
Nutrition
Movement-Exercise
Laughter
Learn Something New
Hanging Out with Healthy Brains
Sleep
Housekeeping
Reset nervous system
Consolidate learning
Take mental breaks
Take Mental Breaks
Focus on something else (positive is good)
Talk to someone else (resonant is good)
Move-walk somewhere else (nature is good)
Every 90 minutes; avoid adrenal fatigue
Nutrition
Less Caffeine
Less Sugar
More Protein
More Water
Movement - Exercise
Oxygen – brain is 2% of body weight, uses 20%
of body’s oxygen
Endorphins – feel good hormones, brighten
the mind
Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor (BDNF) grow new brain cells, will migrate to where
needed
Laughter
Increases oxygen and blood flow, reduces risk of
heart disease and stroke
Releases endorphins – body’s natural pain killer
Reduces stress hormone cortisol, lowers blood
pressure
Triggers catecholamines, heightens alertness in
brain
Releases tension in body, balances nervous
system
Laughter
Promotes work productivity
Reduces stress
Promotes creativity and problem-solving
Reduces mistakes, increases efficiency
Promotes group cohesion
Promotes learning (through play)
Eases loss, grief, trauma
Laughter Yoga
Let yourself laugh for 5-15 minutes,
Gently at first, then relaxing into a deep belly
laugh
Happy baby pose (dead bug pose)
Lying on the floor with your head in someone
else’s lap; someone else’s head in your lap
Learn Something New
Speak a foreign language
Play a musical instrument
Juggle
Play chess
Crossword puzzles when you don’t know the
words
Hanging Out with Healthy Brains
Brain is social organ; matures and learns best
in interactions with other brains
Social engagement regulates nervous system
Resonant interactions prime the brain’s
neuroplasticity; promotes learning and growth
Connections to Resources
People
Love guards the heart from the abyss. - Mozart
Places
…I rest in the grace of the world…. – Berry
Practices
As an irrigator guides water to his field, as an
archer aims an arrow, as a carpenter carves wood,
the wise shape their lives. - Buddha
The Peace of Wild Things
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
- Wendell Berry
One summer night, out on a flat headland, all but surrounded by the
waters of the bay, the horizons were remote and distant rims on the
edge of space. Millions of stars blazed in darkness, and on the far
shore a few lights burned in cottages. Otherwise there was no
reminder of human life. My companion and I were alone with the
stars: the misty river of the Milky Way flowing across the sky, the
patterns of the constellations standing out bright and clear, a blazing
planet low on the horizon. It occurred to me that if this were a sight
that could be seen only once in a century, this little headland would
be thronged with spectators. But it can be seen many scores of
night in any year, and so the lights burned in the cottages and the
inhabitants probably gave not a thought to the beauty overhead;
and because they could see it almost any night, perhaps they never
will.
- Rachel Carson
Shifting Perspectives in Nature
BELLY BOTANY
Select a one square foot patch of earth.
Observe patch from two feet away/above
for two minutes.
(light and shadow, movement and stillness,
beauty and decay, life and death)
Shift your view to the larger landscape, all the
way to the horizon.
Reflect on shift in perspective.
Bouncing Back
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Linda Graham, MFT
[email protected]
www.lindagraham-mft.net
415-924-7765
Bouncing Back:
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Emotional Intelligence
Cape Cod Institute
August 4-8, 2014
Emotions
Signals to take action
Adaptive action tendencies
Anger – protest injustice, betrayal
Sadness – pull in comfort
Fear – move away from danger, toxicity
Guilt – healthy remorse, make amends
Joy – expand, connect with others
The Guest House - Rumi
This being human is a guest-house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness come
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you
out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
- Rumi
The curious paradox is that when I accept
myself just as I am, then I can change.
- Carl Rogers
Positive Emotions-Behaviors
Brain hard-wired to notice and remember
negative and intense more than positive and
subtle; how we survive as individuals and as a
species
Leads to tendency to avoid experience
Positive emotions activate “left shift,” brain is
more open to approaching experience,
learning, and action
Positive Emotions
Gratitude
Awe
Generosity
Compassion
Delight
Serenity
Love
Curiosity
Kindness
Joy
Trust
Positive Emotions
Less stress, anxiety, depression, loneliness
More friendships, social support, collaboration
Shift in perspectives, more optimism
More creativity, productivity
Better health, better sleep
Live on average 7-9 years longer
Resilience is direct outcome
Left shift
Positive emotions cause more neural firing in
left hemisphere of brain
Left hemisphere more oriented to approach
stance toward experience, openness to
learning
Openness to learning, flexibility, options =
resilience
A hundred times every day, I remind myself that
my inner and outer life depend on the labors of
other people, and that I must exert myself in
order to give in the same measure as I have
received and am still receiving.
- Albert Einstein
Gratitude
2-minute free write
Gratitude journal
Gratitude buddy
Carry love and appreciation in your wallet
Take in the Good
Notice: in the moment or in memory
Enrich: the intensity, duration, novelty,
personal relevance, multi-modality
Absorb: savor 10-20-30 seconds, felt sense in
body
Circle of Support
Call to mind people who have been supportive
of you; who have “had your back”
Currently, in the past, in imagination
Imagine them gathered around you, or behind
you, lending you their faith in you, and their
strengths in coping
Imagine your circle of support present with
you as you face difficult people or situations
Positivity Portfolio
Ask 10 friends to send cards or e-mails
expressing appreciation of you
Assemble phrases on piece of paper
Tape to bathroom mirror or computer monitor,
carry in wallet or purse
Read phrases 3 times a day for 30 days
Savor and appreciate
Connections to Resources
People
Love guards the heart from the abyss. - Mozart
Places
…I rest in the grace of the world…. – Berry
Practices
As an irrigator guides water to his field, as an
archer aims an arrow, as a carpenter carves wood,
the wise shape their lives. - Buddha
People as Resources
At times our own light goes out and is rekindled
by the spark from another person.
Each of us has cause to think with deep
gratitude of those who have lighted the flame
within us.
- Albert Schweitzer
Shame De-Rails Resilience
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience
of believing we are flawed and therefore
unworthy of acceptance and belonging.
Shame erodes the part of ourselves that believes
we are capable of change. We cannot change and
grow when we are in shame, and we can’t use
shame to change ourselves or others.
- Brene Brown, PhD
True Other to the True Self
The roots of resilience are to be found in the felt
sense of being held in the mind and heart of an
empathic, attuned, and self-possessed other.
- Diana Fosha, PhD
To see and be seen: that is the questions, and
that is the answer.
- Ken Benau, PhD
Love makes your soul crawl out of its hiding
place.
- Zora Neale Hurston
Love guards the heart from the abyss.
- Mozart
Just that action of paying attention to ourselves,
that I care enough about myself, that I am
worthy enough to pay attention to, starts to
unlock some of those deep beliefs of
unworthiness at a deeper level in the brain.
- Elisha Goldstein
Reconditioning
Memory de-consolidation – re-consolidation
“Light up” neural networks of problematic memory
Cause neural networks to fall apart temporarily and
instantly rewire by:
Juxtaposing positive memory that directly contradicts
or disconfirms;
Focused attention on juxtaposition of both memories
held in simultaneous dual awareness
Causes the falling apart and the rewiring
Reconditioning
Anchor in present moment awareness
Resource with acceptance and goodness
Start with small negative memory
“Light up the networks”
Evoke positive memory that contradicts or disconfirms
Simultaneous dual awareness (or toggle)
Refresh and strengthen positive
Let go of negative
Rest in, savor positive
Reflect on shifts in perspective
Wished for Outcome
Evoke memory of what did happen
Imagine new behaviors, new players, new
resolution
Hold new outcome in awareness,
strengthening and refreshing
Notice shift in perspective of experience, of
self
Bouncing Back
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Linda Graham, MFT
[email protected]
www.lindagraham-mft.net
415-924-7765
Bouncing Back:
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Relational Intelligence
Cape Cod Institute
August 4-8, 2014
True Other to the True Self
The roots of resilience are to be found in the felt
sense of being held in the mind and heart of an
empathic, attuned, and self-possessed other.
- Diana Fosha, PhD
To see and be seen: that is the questions, and
that is the answer.
- Ken Benau, PhD
Ah, the comfort,
The inexpressible comfort
Of feeling safe with a person.
Having neither to weigh out thoughts
Nor words,
But pouring them all right out, just as they are,
Chaff and grain together;
Certain that a faithful hand
Will take them and sift them;
Keeping what is worth keeping and,
With the breath of kindness,
Blow the rest away.
- Dinah Craik
Empathy
I hear you say….
I see that you….
I sense that you…
I’m touched that you…
Rather than “I think that you….”
Resonance Circuit
Resonance – vibe, emotional contagion
Attunement – felt sense, explicit, non-verbal
Empathy – verbal, cognitive, coherent
narrative
Compassion – concern, caring, help
Acceptance – pre-requisite for resilience and
lasting change
Theory of Mind
I know that you can be thinking and feeling
something completely different
from what I’m thinking and feeling,
and that’s OK.
Seeing Ourselves as Others See Us
Imagine sitting across from someone who
loves you unconditionally
Imagine switching places with them; see
yourself as they see you; feel why they love
you and delight in you; take in the good
Imagine being yourself again; taking in the love
and affection coming to you; savor and absorb.
Welcome Them All
Wiser Self welcomes to the “party”
characters that embody positive and negative
parts of the self
with curiosity and acceptance of the message
or gift of each part and
honors each part of the “inner committee”
Relational Intelligence
Receiving/reaching out for help
Setting limits and boundaries
Negotiating change
Resolving conflicts
Repairing ruptures
Forgiveness
Receiving/Reaching Out for Help
Self-compassion for human vulnerability
Identify behaviors, resources that would be
helpful
Ask for help (don’t rely on mind-reading)
Receive help; take in the good
If help not available, seek other resources
Setting Limits and Boundaries
Permission to assert request without
aggression or collapse; Dance of Anger
Cultivate mindful empathy for self and other
State values, needs, desires
State the limit and consequences
(When practicing, partner accepts limit)
Negotiating Change
Code to initiate dialogue; agreement to follow
protocol
Speaker states topic, then shares experience,
progressing from perceptions of behaviors to
emotional needs, fears, desires
Listener listens; no debate, defense, rebuttal
Summary of concern
Negotiating Change, part 2
Speaker identifies three behaviors he/she is
willing to do to address emotional needs
Speaker identifies three behaviors partner can
do to address emotional needs
Each chooses one; must be specific, positive,
within defined time frame
Each acknowledges when other does the new
behavior
Resolving Conflicts
Acknowledge conflict
Identify possible misunderstandings, mis-
perceptions
Take responsibility for your part in conflict
Convey your responsibility to other; ask them
to reflect on their responsibility for their part
Brainstorm possible solutions; come to
agreement
Repairing Ruptures
Focus on repairing the relationship, not on
right v. wrong
Value of relationship, motivation to repair
Mindful empathy for each other
Share experiences, not opinions
Convey understanding of experience, care for
person
Re-engage from more resonant space
Forgiveness - I
For the many ways that I have hurt and harmed
myself, that I have betrayed or abandoned
myself, out of fear, pain, and confusion,
through action or inaction, in thought, word or
deed, knowingly or unknowingly…
I extend a full and heartfelt forgiveness. I
forgive myself. I forgive myself.
Forgiveness - II
For the ways that I have hurt and harmed you,
have betrayed or abandoned you, caused you
suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my
pain, fear, anger, and confusion…
I ask for your forgiveness, I ask for your
forgiveness.
Forgiveness - III
For the many ways that others have hurt,
wounded, or harmed me, out of fear, pain,
confusion, and anger…
I have carried this pain in my heart long enough.
To the extent that I am ready, I offer you
forgiveness. To those who have caused me
harm, I offer my forgiveness, I forgive you.
Forgiveness is not an occasional act;
It is a permanent attitude.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
Bouncing Back
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Linda Graham, MFT
[email protected]
www.lindagraham-mft.net
415-924-7765
Bouncing Back:
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Reflective Intelligence
Cape Cod Institute
August 4-8, 2014
Mindfulness and Compassion
Awareness of what’s happening
(and our reactions to what’s happening)
Acceptance of what’s happening
(and our reactions to what’s happening)
Attention circuit and resonance circuit
Two most powerful agents of brain change known to
science; both foster response flexibility
Integration
Reflection
See clearly
Resonance
Embrace wholeheartedly
May I meet this moment fully;
May I meet it as a friend.
Mindfulness
Focused attention on
present moment experience
without judgment or resistance.
- Jon Kabat-Zinn
Mindfulness Comes to the West
Mindful schools
Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction
Business – 2014 World Economic Forum
Government – Tim Ryan in Congress
Military – post-traumatic stress
Sports – peak performance
Cover of Time magazine, February 3, 2014
Mindfulness
Pause, become present
Notice and name
Step back, dis-entangle, reflect
Catch the moment; make a choice
Shift perspectives; shift states
Discern options
Choose wisely – let go of unwholesome,
cultivate wholesome
Between a stimulus and response there is a
space. In that space is our power to choose
our response. In our response lies our growth
and our freedom. The last of human freedoms
is to choose one’s attitude in any given set of
circumstances.
- Viktor Frankl
Notice and Name
Increasingly complex objects of awareness:
Sensations as sensations
Emotions as emotions
Cascades of emotions as cascades
Thoughts as thoughts
Patterns of thoughts as patterns
States of mind as states of mind
Identities, belief systems as identities and
Mental contents, patterns of neural firing
Awareness itself – vast sky that storms pass through
Anything is a Cue to Practice
Notice any moment of contraction
Use contraction as cue to:
Step back, come to center
Use practice to come to equilibrium
Discern options, choose wisely
Mindfulness
Catch the moment; make a choice
- Janet Friedman
Every moment has a choice;
Every choice has an impact.
- Julia Butterfly Hill
Autobiography in Five Short
Chapters – Portia Nelson
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit
My eyes are open,
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
-Portia Nelson
Modes of Processing
Focused
Tasks and details
Self-referential
Defocused
Default network
Plane of open possibilities
Mindfulness Dissolves
the Stuff of “Self”
Quantum physics investigates matter
Matter is more space than stuff
Mindfulness investigates “I”
Self is not static or fixed; is ever-changing, ever-unfolding
True Self is flow of beingness
Rest in Simply Being
Awareness of Awareness
Insights, epiphanies, revelations
Wisdom teaches me I am nothing.
Love teaches me I am everything.
Between the two, my life flows.
- Sri Nisargadatta
Pre-Frontal Cortex
Toggles back and forth between focused and
defocused modes of processing
Integration of two modes; integration of right
and left hemispheres, integration of higher
and lower brain
Deeper brain functioning; brain itself more
reslient
Consciousness
True Nature
Wiser Self
Adult Self
Inner Child
Brahma Viharas
Loving Kindness
Compassion
Sympathetic Joy
Equanimity
Presence
To be present is far from trivial. It may be
the hardest work in the world. And forget
about the “may be.” It is the hardest
work in the world – at least to sustain
presence. And the most important.
- Jon Kabat-Zinn
Intention
And the day came when the risk it took
To stay tight inside the bud
Was more painful
than the risk it took to blossom.
- Anais Nin
Perseverance
How long should you try? Until. - Jim Rohn
The difference between try and triumph is a little
“umph.” – author unknown
The greatest oak was once a little nut that held
its ground. – Author unknown
Competence
Empowerment and mastery from changing old
coping strategies, learning new ones
Embodying, “I am somebody who CAN do
this.”
You can’t stop the waves,
But you can learn to surf.
-Jon Kabat-Zinn
As an irrigator guides water to his field, as an
archer aims an arrow, as a carpenter carves
wood, the wise shape their lives.
- Buddha
Competence
Bodily felt sense of “Sure I can!”
Based on previous experience
No matter what, no matter how small
Ownership
Learning Model
Unconscious Incompetence
Conscious Incompetence
Conscious Competence
Unconscious Competence
How to Create a New Habit
Identify new behavior you want to cultivate
Identify reward for new behavior; how will you
sense that reward in your body?
Identify first five seconds of new behavior
Identify cue to begin the first five seconds of
behavior
Cues to Practice - ANTS to PATS
Identify habitual negative pattern of response
Identify new, positive response to counter/replace
Identify cue word or phrase to name negative and
positive
Criticism - Compassion
Use cue to break automaticity and change the
channel
Repeat the practice as many times as necessary
Find the Gift in the Mistake
Regrettable Moment – Teachable Moment
What’s Right with this Wrong?
What’s the Lesson?
What’s the Cue to Act Differently?
Find the Gift in the Mistake
Coherent Narrative
This is what happened.
This is what I did.
This has been the cost.
This is what I learned.
This is what I would do differently going
forward.
Deep Listening
The most basic and powerful way to connect to
another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps
the most important thing we ever give each
other is our attention….A loving silence often
has far more power to heal and to connect
than the most well-intentioned words.
- Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.
Deep Listening
Listener asks speaker the question. Speaker answers
honestly.
The speaker answers the repeating question for
several rounds, deepening his/her understanding of
his/her experience.
Listener and speaker switch roles.
Take a few moments to share reflections on the
experience.
Questions for Deep Listening
What brings you joy in your life?
What has brought you sorrow?
What worries you now?
When have you found courage in dark times?
What are you grateful for?
What are you proud of?
I am no longer afraid of storms,
For I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott
A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships
are for.
- Grace Hopper
In every community, there is work to be done.
In every nation, there are wounds to heal.
In every heart, there is the power to do it.
- Marianne Williamson
Courage
It’s as wrong to deny the possible
As it is to deny the problem.
- Dennis Seleeby
There is a natural and inviolable tendency in
things to bloom into whatever they truly are in
the core of their being.
All we have to do is align ourselves with what
wants to happen naturally and put in the effort
that is our part in helping it happen.
- David Richo
Mastering the art of resilience does much more
than restore you to who you once thought you
were. Rather, you emerge from the experience
transformed into a truer expression of who you
were really meant to be.
- Carol Orsborn
Bouncing Back
Rewiring the Brain for Resilience
and Well-Being
Linda Graham, MFT
[email protected]
www.lindagraham-mft.net
415-924-7765