Transcript CAREGIVING FOR AGING PARENTS: Experiences of unmarried

CAREGIVING FOR AGING
PARENTS:
Experiences of unmarried daughters
and sons in Singapore
Assoc. Prof. Kalyani K. Mehta
Department of Social Work, National
University of Singapore
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Family Caregiving Project
• Funded by NUS
• Started Sept 2006
• Research team consists
of Dr Ng Guat Tin, Dr
Allison Rowlands (from
Australia) and myself
• Focus on Singapore
context
• Mixed Method
Survey of 323
caregivers completed
• Focus Group discussions
(8) of adult children and
children-in-law
• Case studies of spousal
caregivers & parents of
disabled children
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Focus on Adult Children
• Age 25 to 60 years
• Must be caring for at least one parent
or parent-in-law above age 65 years
• The sandwich generation
• The economically squeezed generation
• Generation that is caught in the social
forces of technological and value
changes
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Why Unmarried Family carers?
• In National Survey of Senior Citizens 1995,
24% of the principal carers were Unmarried
adult children
• Similar to the profile of carers in Uh (as
reported in the Carers 2000 document) the
singles are the second largest group of adult
carers of elderly, after the married. Widows,
divorced and separated form the third
largest group
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Rising trend of Singles
• In 2003, about 15% of Singaporean
resident males and females were
unmarried at age 40 – 44 years. This
was higher than the 10 – 11 % in 1993
• Many of them are not ‘swinging’ singles
but ‘stressed’ singles, who are juggling
work and caregiving responsibilities
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Experiences, struggles and coping
strategies of U.F.C.
• U.F.C. = unmarried family carers
The word unmarried is used to
differentiate between the nevermarried and the once-married
(divorced/separated/widowed)
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Total 8 Focus group discussions
• Total number of FGD participants*=49
• Mixed gender, income & ethnicity
• Marital status
Married/once married = 25
Never married = 24
* Contacted from the larger pool of
survey participants, snowball effort, and
personal contacts
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Understanding employer
• I think the most stressful part is if there is
no understanding from the employer. As the
elder parent’s medical condition changes,
definitely it will change, and the day draws
near when she becomes more dependent on
you. So, anytime, the situation collapses and
you need to go, you need leave. If the
employer can understand sometimes, under
these special circumstance, then it would help
a lot.
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I just give my life away!
• Bonus is affected
sometimes, if you are
under-performing or often
late
• Aside from certain
agencies, it is quite
standard. You just give your
soul away!
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• FAMILY CONFLICTS
Brother contributes financially. However, he
also asks for a detailed account of money
spent every month!!
Siblings make a symbolic visit
Relatives criticise more than they help
Too many suggestions – just create confusion
Create Burn out!
Inheritance driven concern can create
unhappiness
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No Choice!
• Single child
• Only unmarried child
“My married sibs have their own families. So
they don’t help much”
• The last child living with elderly parents
- becomes the “chosen one”
• Filial piety
• Face issue
• Repay debt of sacrifice
• Failed negotiation
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Love gets stronger
1. Between elder parent and caregiver
2. Between caregiver and his/her
children
“They actually see you acting it (filial
responsibility) out”
3. Between caregiving couple
4. Between family system (siblings,
grandparents & grandchildren etc)
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Maid: pros and cons
• Pros
She is the secondary caregiver, a very good one
“With maids you have got to be lucky!”
• Cons
Conflict between parent and maid
Sometimes they are so unreliable
They can lie
* For singles, maids are very necessary otherwise the
single adult cannot work and meet the daily and
medical expenses
** Government levy reduced for families with elder
above 60 years
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Coping strategies
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Give up the full-time job temporarily
Ask for some time off
Seek help of siblings
No lift landing so carried mother “piggy
back”
• Find out the best bargain to save money
• Hire a maid (or two if you can afford it)!
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“On my own”
• Single caregivers feel isolated and very
emotional because they feel they are
“on their own”
• No spouse to comfort you or be your
confidant
• Sense of having lost out (opportunity
cost)
• Sometimes care recipient is insensitive
to caregiver’s needs
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Resentment and Envy
• Emotions take a roller coaster ride
• “Most of my friends are still enjoying
themselves. Either they have just
married ot they are still travelling round
the world! I’ve never really travelled to
anywhere. It’s not possible to get out
and go.” She is the only child and looks after her
wheelchair bound father and mother who has High BP, diabetes,
osteoporosis and suffered recently from a fall.
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The satisfaction of caring
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•
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I feel I have done my duty
We (siblings) are more united
My relationship with my parent is closer
I know about ageing and symptoms of
diseases so I am better prepared for
my own aging journey
• I know about resources I can tap
• I understand my parent better
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Self-growth
• “I know that I’m a source of blessing to
my parents. That helped me to
empathise with others who have similar
problems”
• Caregiving is very personal – It is like
giving blood, but blood donors also do
not donate every day!
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