Transcript Pastoral Ministry Pitfalls
傳道人家庭与事奉的挑戰
Balancing Pastoral Needs of Family & Ministry 灣區傳道人靈修會 Mission Springs, Santa Cruz, California April 2-4, 2001 Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist
www.ChristianMentalHealth.com
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路加福音 7:31-35
聖經新譯本 耶穌又說：「我要把這世代的人比作甚麼 呢？他們好像甚麼呢？他們好像小孩子 坐在巿中心，彼此呼叫，說：『我們給 你們吹笛子，你們卻不跳舞；我們唱哀 歌，你們也不啼哭。』因為施洗的約翰 來了，不吃飯，不喝酒，你們說他是鬼 附的。人子來了，又吃又喝，你們說： 『你看，這人貪食好酒，與稅吏和罪人 為友。』但上帝的智慧，藉著他的兒女 便證實是公義的了。」
The Problem: Clergy & Immorality
1992 Leadership magazine survey of pastors.
• Some 46% acknowledged sexual problems • 20% report some form of "inappropriate sexual contact," • 10% intercourse outside of marriage.
• Psychologically: Extra-Marital Sex is for Intimacy, Friendship, Close Communication, Power, Control, Domination. Why does it happen?
• Responsibility of elders & deacons. Sex is taboo? What does the Bible say?
Common Chinese Pastors Characteristics • Low Personal Maturity: But highly Educated – Codependency, Dysfunctional-Abuse-Neglect • Unable to Socialize: Loneliness in Pastorate – No friends, No team-work, No help, Territorial • Low Conflicts Resolution Skills – Resentments build in Congregation, Win-Lose • Mishandling of Trust and Authority – Low Accountability, Overstepping Boundaries,
提多書 1:6-9
聖經新譯本 如果有人無可指摘，只作一個妻子的丈夫， 兒女都信主，也沒有人控告他們放蕩或不 受約束，才可以作長老。因為監督是上帝 的管家，所以必須無可指摘、不任性、不 隨便動怒、不好酒、不打人、不貪不義之 財；卻要接待客旅、喜愛良善、自律、公 正、聖潔、自制，堅守那合乎教義、可靠 的真道，好使他能夠用純正的道理勸勉人 ，並且能夠折服反對的人。
The Five-Hierarchical Harmonious Relationships (The Five-Orders) 五倫 Copyright (C) Melvin W. Wong, Ph.D. 1996-2000
Orders
1. 2. 3. 4. 5.
Relationships
The King & his subjects Father and son Older-brother & younger brother Husband & Wife Between Friends
Virtues
Loyalty 忠 Filial Piety 孝 Brotherly Love 愛 Obedience “Kowtow” Corruption Deference Respect of Elders Dependency Love Chastity 貞 Trust 信任
Manifestations
Acceptance Harmony
Emotions
Domination- Fear Respect Shame Respect Conspiring Power Bitterness
Pathologies
Antisocial Rage Divisiveness Neurasthenia Tactfulness Face-work
Biblical Order of Relationships “The New Five-Orders”
新五倫 Copyright © Melvin W.Wong, Ph.D. 2000
1. Christ the King and His Children (Isaiah 9:6-7)
Love and Sacrifice
2. Father and Mother (Exodus 20:12) Love and Honor (Leave, Cleave becoming one flesh) 3. Husband and Wife (Ephesians 5:21-25 )
Love and Commitment
4. Parents and Children (Ephesians 6:1-2 )
Love and Acceptance
5.
Fellowship of Believers, Friend-Foe (1 John 4:11-12 )
One another love, Hospitality & Forgiveness (Mat 22:39)
E-Culture & Pastoral Ministry
“E-Culture” Is Silicon Valley Culture • Information & Knowledge rich: Wisdom “poor” • Resource rich: Morally choices are poor “identity” – Self-serving nature of competition: “Me 1st” – Lacks personal commitment in relationships – “Pain-Free” existence “I want it all, NOW” • Instability of market: Uncertainty & Flexibility • Consumer orientation: “Cafeteria” style spirituality • Lack of relationship wisdom: Goals orientation • Entrepreneurialism: “He has the most toys win!”
“E-Culture” Is Silicon Valley Culture Picture credit: Time (Digital) Magazine
“E-Culture” Is Silicon Valley Culture Picture credit: Time (Digital) Magazine
“E-Culture” Is Silicon Valley Culture Picture credit: Time (Digital) Magazine
“E-Culture” Is Silicon Valley Culture Picture credit: Time (Digital) Magazine
E-Culture & Pastoral Ministry
Silicon Valley Culture & Ministry • Minister Personality is paramount: Overarching • Resource rich: Morally choices are poor – Minster should not be Self-serving: “Not Me 1st” – Personal openness in congregational relationships – Answer “Pain-Free” existence & delay gratification • Stability of ministry: Reduce uncertainty • Consumerism: “Cafeteria” package “Whole” spirituality • Relationship focused: People Orientation > Goals
E-Culture & Pastoral Ministry
An Affective Pastor is An Effective Person “Bad Men were Bad Boys” • The pastor is a personable individual – With a secrue identity not sensitive to threat – A moral person with a clear conscience – A healthy person who functions in multiple roles • The pastor is a Man of integrity to all people • The pastor is a Husband who accepts his wife • The pastor is a Father who accepts his children
Family Tree Diagram
Father Daughter Son-1 Son-2 Mother
Casts of the Dysfunctional Family
Addict
Adult-child: Man with problems; Gambling, affairs, rage & irresponsibility
Enabler
1 2 3 4
Survival for me
5 Mother who helps hide husband’s serious problems
Casts of the Dysfunctional Family
Addict Enabler
1 2 3 4
Keep the peace: Survival for me
5 Mother who is trying to be the UN Peace Keeper: Hoping things will not go out of her control
Casts of the Dysfunctional Family
Addict
Hero 5
Enabler Win-Lose Rivalry Detach
1 2 3 4
Be Perfect: Problems will go away
I want to be hero too! I am worthy
Casts of the Dysfunctional Family
Addict
1 2 3 4 5 Scapegoat
Rebel: Believing I am the problem Enabler
Casts of the Dysfunctional Family
Addict Enabler
1 2 3 4 5 Lost Child
Withdraws from Relationships: Numb
Casts of the Dysfunctional Family
Addict Enabler
Clown 1 2 3 4 5
Makes laughter admist family tragedy
Casts of the Dysfunctional Family
Adapted from: Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, 1985, Health Communications, FL Enabler: Tries to control to make things OK Hero: Be perfect & problems will go away Scapegoat: Rebel against family problems & then finally believing that s/he is the problem Lost Child: Retreats, withdraws & isolates self from meaningful relationships Mascot (Clown): Desperately makes everyone laugh admist the family tragedy. Pampered
“The Safest Place on Earth”
Larry Crabb Eugene H, Peterson’s preface Professor Emeritus of Spiritual Theology Regent College
“The Safest Place on Earth”
Larry Crabb (Eugene H, Peterson’s preface Professor Emeritus of Spiritual Theology Regent College) • Building spiritual communties vs. clubs & groups – Community is built on family prototypes – Families are built on each person, the individual • Minster’s managerial skills vs. caring personality • Entrepreneurial attitude vs. people caring – Maverick pioneering vs. Corporate culture – Ego trips – Winning over losing: Adversarial mentality
Making Significant Contact & Engagement
Point of Personal Pain
• E-Culture and the denial of Pain • People have personal emotional pain • Ministry to people with pain need care • How does a pastor reach out to people in pain?
– Not through a technical explanation only – Is through a personal empathy on sufferer – Show them how by personal example & experience – Not by suppression and denial – Be a friend of the sufferer
Secure Self-Identity Development
• Family of origin Issues • Metabolizing anger – Sarcasms & Insensitivity • Dealing with personal defeat • Expressing & in-touch with sadness
Hazards of Pastoral Ministry
• Public Self • Private Self • Genuine Self: Reconciling Public & Private Selves
Specific Hazards
• Limits Violation • Boundary Violation • Relational Dependence • Emotional Dependence • Sexual Dependence
Dealing with Defenses
• Intellectualization: “If I can think about it and it is logical, it must be right” • Rationalizaiton: “It is reasonable, therefore it must be right” • Spiritualization: “There is a Biblcal support, therefore it must be right” • Justification: “Therefore, it is right and no one can challenge me!”
Self-Regulatory Mechanisms
• How do I set priorities?
– “I set them based on what God tells me to!” • Meeting subconscious needs with conscious choices • Meeting your pastoral call
Biblical Priorities in Pastoral Minsitry
• Seeking to control self with self understanding • Able to minister to yourself, spouse, family & Children • Able to minister to your congregation
彼得前書 1 Peter 5:2-3
聖經新譯本 (NIV) 務要牧養你們中間的 羊群，按著上帝的 旨意照顧他們。不 是出於勉強，而是 出於甘心；不是因 為貪財，而是出於 熱誠；也不是要轄 制託付你們的羊群 ，而是作他們的榜 樣。 Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers--not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock.
提多書 1:6-9
聖經新譯本 如果有人無可指摘，只作一個妻子的丈夫， 兒女都信主，也沒有人控告他們放蕩或不 受約束，才可以作長老。因為監督是上帝 的管家，所以必須無可指摘、不任性、不 隨便動怒、不好酒、不打人、不貪不義之 財；卻要接待客旅、喜愛良善、自律、公 正、聖潔、自制，堅守那合乎教義、可靠 的真道，好使他能夠用純正的道理勸勉人 ，並且能夠折服反對的人。
Sexual Desires and the Pursuit of Holiness