Relational Aggression or Bullying in the Girls` World
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Transcript Relational Aggression or Bullying in the Girls` World
Relational Aggression Bullying in the Girl’s World
What is Conflict?
Conflict
Normal
Often not serious
Equal emotional reaction
Not seeking power or attention
Not trying to attain something
Remorseful; takes responsibility
Effort to solve the problem
What is Bullying?
Done on purpose
Happens repeatedly
Serious; threat of physical harm or emotional
or psychological hurt
Seeking power or control
Trying to attain material things or power
No remorse; blames victim
No effort to solve the problem
Bullying may result from…
a sense of entitlement
an intolerance toward difference
a liberty to exclude, isolate and segregate a
person deemed not worthy of respect or care
Bullying is…
A relationship problem that occurs between
two or more people where one person has
more power than the other
To deal with relationship problems we must
use relationship solutions
Why focus on bullying?
Persistent bullying can leave long-term scars on the
victim
Students who bully others are likely to engage in
other anti-social or delinquent behaviours
Bullying contributes to a negative social climate
Bullying is a widespread problem amongst school
children
Role rehearsal for adulthood
New legislation
Bill 157
Because we CARE…
Relational aggression is like…
Odd Girl Out ~ Rachel Simmons
Bullying in girls peaks
between ages 10- 14
By middle childhood most
relational aggressors are girls
There is a hidden culture
amongst girls in which
bullying is an epidemic
Our culture refuses girls
access to open conflict, and it
forces their aggression into
non physical, indirect and
covert forms
Society’s Gender Roles
Western society still expects boys to become
family providers and girls to be nurturers
Females are expected to mature into caregivers;
a role deeply at odds with aggression
Boys’ popularity is rooted in their toughness,
athletic prowess and resistance to authority
Aggression is the hallmark of masculinity
Aggression in Girls
Girls not immune to aggression but express
anger in unconventional ways
When aggression cannot be directed at the
target, the perpetrator has to find other
channels
Cultural rules against typical forms of
aggression lead girls to engage in other, nonphysical forms
Girls and Aggression ~ What we see
Girls attack within tightly knitted networks of
friends
Girls fight with body language and
relationships instead of fists
Non-physical aggression is seen as a rite of
passage for girls and a natural phase of their
development
Schools often simply write off girls aggression
as this rite of passage and it often goes
unchecked
Understanding the
Girls’ World
Girls are typically social beings with their
identity gained within social groups
Relational Aggression is:
Aggressive, hurtful behaviors from within
social relationships or friendship groups
Main form of bullying used by girls (Girl
Bullying)
“It’s all fun and games…”
What Girls Do
Back biting
Exclusion
Rumours
Gossip
Name calling
Manipulative affection
Inflict psychological pain
Cut eye and other hurtful
forms of body language
Aliance building
Cyber Bullying
Motivation for Relational Aggression
Fear
Power
Control
Popularity
Security
Competition
Jealousy
Retaliation
Roles within the
Girls’ Social Group
Queen Bee – holds all the power
Sidekick – allows herself to be controlled by the
Bee
Wannabe – like the name implies
Gossiper – using info to gain power
Floater – moves in and out of groups
Target – receiver of violence and/or threats
Bystander – witness who feels caught in the
middle
The Queen Bee
Also known as the alpha
girls
Person who chooses to hurt
or damage a relationship
Most often false, over-
confident and loud
Friends do what she wants
Defines right/wrong by
loyalty to friendship
Doesn’t take responsibility
for hurting others
Often charming to adults
The Sidekick
Second to the Queen
Bee but can also be a
target
Supports Queen; mirror
image of the queen
Feels the Queen is the
boss and allows herself
to be pushed around
Will listen to Queen re:
dressing, thinking,
talking
Will lie for Queen
The Wannabe
Other girls’ opinions and
wants are more important
than hers
She can’t tell the difference
between what she wants
and what the group wants
Desperate for the “right” look
(clothes, hair, etc.).
Feels better about herself
when others come to her for
help, advice
Loves to gossip---phone and
email are vital to her
Words Hurt……
The Gossip
Extremely secretive; good communicator; gives the
impression of being a good listener and trustworthy
Seems to be friends with everyone; needs to be
admired and important
Seemingly nice; uses confidential info to gain
popularity
“Don’t tell anyone I told you this but…”
The Floater
Moves freely amongst
cliques; avoids conflicts
Popular and nice; but
not TOO popular
Has respect for others;
doesn’t try to influence
or exclude others
Not competitive or
trying to win friends
The Target
Often feels helpless to stop
others’ behaviours
Feels excluded or like a
“loser”
Often ridiculed by the
Queen and sidekicks
Used and manipulated by
others
Put down by others
May look terrified
Often walking alone or with
head down
The Torn Bystander
Often finds herself
having to choose
between friends
Accommodating
Peacemaker---wants
everyone to get along
Doesn’t stand up to
anyone she has conflict
with---goes along to get
along
The Cyber Bully
Usually done, or at least
planned, in a group
Done for entertainment
Occurs from a school
library, slumber party, or
from the family room
Grows when fed by group
admiration, cliques or by the
silence of others
Quickly dies if they don’t get
the entertainment value
they are seeking
Cyber Bullying ~ The Kitchen
Signs of Relational Aggression
Sadness
Loneliness; isolation
Feelings of powerlessness
Inability to trust
Anger; frustration
Helplessness
Lower interest and performance in school
School avoidance
Somatic symptoms (stomach aches, headaches)
Eating disorders
Mood disorders
Self harm
Suicidal Ideations
What to Do?
Dr. Michelle Anthony, author of Little Mean Girls
Can Be Mean talk about a 4 Part Plan:
OBSERVE
CONNECT
GUIDE
SUPPORT HER TO ACT
The 4 Step Plan……
OBSERVE
Things to watch and listen for:
She is being picked on/excluded
Pattern of on/off again friendships
Speaks negatively about certain
girls in a certain way
Sudden marked change in mood
Sudden withdrawl from favourite activities
Changes in eating sleeping habits
Avoiding certain social situations
The 4 Step Plan…….
CONNECT
Important step
Keep talking and lines of communication
open
Assist with clarification of feelings (confusing)
Empathize
Statements like….
“I notice when you come home……”
“Oh, I see. How does it feel when she says
those things to you…..”
“Tell me more about that……”
The 4 Step Plan
GUIDE
Work as a team to generate some possible ways to
work through situation
Refrain from “telling”
Some helpful ideas might include:
Ways to expand her social circle (after
school activities, teams, clubs, drop in)
Ask who the kids are that seem to
get along well with everyone
BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL
Role play
The 4 Step Plan
SUPPORT HER TO ACT
Once you have generated strategies for action:
Allow her to choose
Role play ahead of time
Be there when she comes
back (listen, empower, guide)
Overtime she will be a more “empowered”
person entering in to new social networks
Strong, confident, resilient
Steps to Stop Mean Girls Behaviour
1. Get Educated
2. Know the Signs of the “Mean Girl
Scene”
3. Be Proactive
Be Proactive
Teach conflict solving
Start with one ally
Broaden her experiences
Boost EMPATHY a
Don’t push too hard on being “popular”
Help her discover her passions/strengths
Watch TV ~engage in social media together
Point out positive female role-models
Expect RESPECT
BE the EXAMPLE you want your daughter to
COPY
Resources
Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades by
Michelle Anthony, Reyna Lindert, Michelle Anthony, M.A., Ph.D., Reyna Lindert, Ph.D.
Queen Bees & Wannabes
Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of
Adolescence
by Rosalind Wiseman
Dr. Michelle Borba’s Reality Check www.micheleborba.com/blog
Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons
Websites
www.kindcampaign.com
www.becauseiamagirl.ca