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CHAPTER 7 BEGINNING, MAINTAINING AND ENDING RELATIONSHIPS
Berko, R. M., Aitken, J. E., & Wolvin, A. D. (2010). ICOMM: Interpersonal concepts and competencies. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.
Sand Art - Ilana Yahav - Let's Get Together http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2pLHLOnG6I&NR=1 Elvis Presley - Can't help falling in love Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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RELATIONAL DEVELOPMENT: BEGINNING, MAINTAINING AND ENDING Relationships have a sequential pattern: an entry phase (beginning), a personal phase (maintenance), and an exit phase (end). Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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BEGINNING A RELATIONSHIP
Establishing a new relationship—one that goes beyond a few minutes of superficial chatter—is difficult.
Meeting strangers often brings out our insecurities and our self perceived flaws. Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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BEGINNING A RELATIONSHIP
Attractiveness
is your impression of someone as appealing.
Proximity
JUDY GARLAND: 'THE BOY NEXT DOOR‘
Familiarity
, a knowledge and understanding of someone, although it may breed contempt, more often breeds liking. Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Cyberdating
Be realistic.
Eliminate traits you can’t live with. Take your time. Ask yourself if there are any warning signs of potential abusive or psychotic tendencies.
Be safe. Be smart.
Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Personal Ads
Gain attention with a catchy headline.
Tell about yourself with necessary information. Get to the point. Give an idea of what you're looking for. Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Additional Choices
Fee-Based Introduction Services.
Speed Dating.
Matchmaking.
Relational Coaching.
Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Steps for Initiating Relational Communication
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Look for Approachability Cues.
Initiate a Conversation.
Find Topics to Talk About.
Talk About a Variety of Topics.
Share Plans for Future Interaction.
Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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How can you create a good impression?
Be cooperative?
Be caring?
Be memorable?
Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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MAINTAINING A RELATIONSHIP
Relationships are two-sided. You have control over only one of those sides...yours. Understand goals of both people.
Adapt to changes.
Follow the rules.
Pay attention to the process.
Work at success.
Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Personal Ads Continued
Talk about your interests and activities. Offer a suggestion about how you could spend time together. Convey a sense of your personality. Be honest! Select the right picture. Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Achieving Your Objectives
Information is the basis for effective relational decision-making. Self-disclosure—is the process of revealing a depth and breath of your self so that you can begin, maintain and develop a relationship. Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Self-disclosure
Is NOT an all-or-nothing proposition.
Begins slowly with revealing positive aspects of yourself.
Progresses—if at all—to greater breadth, depth, and amount. Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Appropriate Self-Disclosure
Is the disclosure
relevant
to the relationship? How likely is the other person to treat the disclosure with
respect
? Is the person a gossip? How
constructive
is the disclosure likely to be for the relationship? Can you communicate your disclosure
clearly
and understandably? Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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What is appropriate self-disclosure?
Self-disclosure is risky.
The primary fear associated with self-disclosing is fear of rejection. Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Compliance gaining
An active process to direct and influence your communication partner's behavior.
List of 64 compliance gaining strategies: http://www.kkcomcon.com/KCGStrat.pdf
For a discussion on compliance gaining, see Canary, D., Cody, M., & Manusov, V. (2008). Interpersonal communication: A goals-based approach (4th ed.). Boston, MA: Bedford/St. Martins, Chapter 12.
Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Relationships end for a variety of reasons
Goals may be fulfilled and no new goals established. Goals may not be accomplished and there may be little chance of achieving them. Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Relationships end for a variety of reasons
Goals may be fulfilled and no new goals established. Goals may not be accomplished and there may be little chance of achieving them. Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Relationships end for a variety of reasons (continued)
The partners may continue to feel lonely despite their relationship. The patterns of interaction may be too fixed, too inflexible, or too boring. Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Relationships end for a variety of reasons (continued)
The initial attractiveness may fade and nothing new may replace it. New relationships may appear more attractive. Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Ending a Relationship
Terminating a relationship often involves
changes in other
relationships.
Confront the other person with your desire—a
direct
relational dissolution strategy. See the other person less—
indirect
relational dissolution strategy. Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Self-oriented or Other-oriented Strategies
Self-orientation: fait accompli ("I've decided this is over!") withdrawal ("I'm going to be busy all next week") cost escalation ("If you want me to go with you, you'll have to give up going out on Fridays with your friends") attributional conflict ("It's your fault, jerk!"). Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Other-oriented
state-of-the-relationship talk ("Where is this relationship going?") pseudo-descalation ("I think we should see less of each other for a while"—when no contact really is desired) negotiated farewell ("Let's rationally discuss how to end this without fighting") fading away (seeing the other person less and disclosing less) Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Most frequently used disengagement
Unilateral desire to exit (one person wants out).
Coupled with an indirect strategy (the person decreases contact, claims a desire to reduce contact when no contact is really the goal, or makes contact very costly for the other person).
No attempts at repair (the pair say good bye with no expectation for future contact). Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Knapp Relationship Escalation Model
Initiation Stage. Intensifying Stage, self-disclosure starts. Integrating Stage, duo-based terms.
Bonding Stage, a formal.
Differentiating Stage.
Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Knapp Relationship Termination Model
Differentiating Stage, differences.
Circumscribing Stage, less communication. Stagnating Stage, avoid. Avoiding Stage, separating.
Terminating Stage.
Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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Application Learning Activities
Discuss with a partner or small group or complete on your own outside class.
Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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ROMANCE
What do you consider romantic? How and why might people perceive romance differently?
Airport Wedding Proposal Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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MARRIAGE
What are your attitudes about marriage? You may want to interview several people. Decide what questions you will ask. You may want to ask people of different ages, sexual orientations, or ethnicities. What happens in marriage? What do you think are the main correlates with a successful marriage? Why do you think arranged marriages work for many people? You may find some interesting discussion prompts on the Internet.
Grover discusses What Is Marriage? Arranged Marriage Funny Commercial Grover discusses What Is Marriage? Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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BREAKING UP
Is breaking up hard or easy? Interview several friends on the topic and see what they have to say. Breaking Up Is Hard To Do Existence Do - Neil Sedaka "How To Break Up" Tales Of Mere Breakin' Up Is Hard To Walking Away Craig David Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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RELATIONAL GOALS
Why do different people have different goals for individual relationships? Conduct an interview asking people what they look for in their relationships. You may find some interesting discussion prompts on the Internet.
Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams 1983 alicia keys - If I ain't got you Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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END
CHAPTER 7 BEGINNING, MAINTAINING AND ENDING RELATIONSHIPS
Berko, R. M., Aitken, J. E., & Wolvin, A. D. (2010). ICOMM: Interpersonal concepts and competencies. Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield.
Landon Pigg - Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop Chapter 2. Copyright Rowman & Littlefield. All rights reserved.
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