Self-Compassion: A Confident Kid Building Block
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Transcript Self-Compassion: A Confident Kid Building Block
Self-Compassion: A Confident Kid Building Block
Vanessa Ann Vigilante, Ph.D.
Psychologist
Division of Behavioral Health
A I duPont Hospital for Children
Clinical Assistant Professor of Pediatrics Department of Pediatrics
Jefferson Medical College
How Do We Build a Stable Sense of Self in
Children?
Protect child from feelings of
failure, disappointment,
frustration or…
…validate these feelings?
Self-Esteem:
“Its all relative.”
How much we
approve of/value
ourselves
Based on comparison
Low Self-Esteem
Comes from the child’s
evaluation of his/her
perceived inadequacies.
Low Self-Esteem
“I do not measure up.”
High Self-Esteem
“I measure up well.”
Artificially Inflate Self-Esteem
“Give” high self esteem:
- Praise
indiscriminately
- Protect from
frustration/self doubt
Artificially Inflating Self-Esteem
Caregiver Response
Child Translation
• “You’re so smart.”
“Smartness makes me
loveable.”
• “You’re so kind.”
“Being kind makes me
loveable.”
• “You’re so pretty.”
“Being pretty makes me
loveable.”
Inflating Self Esteem
Less than perfect is
not ok…
…so, cannot take
constructive feedback
and does not learn
from mistakes
Drawbacks of Self-Esteem when things
do not go well
Narcissism
Humiliation
Self absorption
Incompetence
Self-righteous anger
Inferiority
Prejudice
Depression
Discrimination
Anxiety
Entitlement
Anger
So, how do we:
Maintain a stable
sense of self in the
midst of success as
well as failure?
How do we:
Have high self-esteem…
….and not always measure
up?
Here’s how:
• By being content with not
always measuring up
• Maintaining stability in the
midst of success as well as
failure
• Accepting failure as a fact of
life
Self-Compassion
How much warmth do
we have for ourselves?
Based on selfacceptance
Not based on selfevaluation/social
comparison
Self-Compassion
How much warmth we
have for ourselves
especially
when the road gets
tough
Self-Compassion
SC: “Could have
happened to anyone.”
SE: “These things
only happen to me.”
Self-Compassion:
3-Step Process
Realize things are
difficult
Respond to yourself
with kindness/
understanding
Normalize it
Self-Compassion
“It sounds like you’re
feeling aggravated.”
“It’s normal to feel….”
“That sounds so hard!”
“It sounds like that
made you happy.”
“Did that make you
angry?”
“How awful!”
“That sounds like a
good plan.”
“I really like the….”
Self-Compassion
Provides the same benefits
of high self-esteem….
…without its
drawbacks
How to Help Children Develop SelfCompassion
Be kind to yourself
Teach children truth about
life
Ease into self-compassion
slowly
Judge the behavior, not the
child
Model future behavior,
don’t punish the past
Are there drawbacks to selfcompassion?
Will it lower
standards/encourage
laziness?
Self-compassionate
people are less likely
to lower their
standards (Neff,
2011).
Self-Compassion: Rewards
Higher standards
Strong work ethic
Personal responsibility
Not afraid of failure
More courageous
More aware of personal
faults
Self-Compassion: Rewards
Decreased anxiety,
depression, selfcriticism
Increased coping ability
Greater feeling of social
connectedness
How Do We Build a Stable Sense of Self in
Children?
Protect child from feelings of
failure, disappointment,
frustration or…
…validate these feelings?
References
Cabane, O. The Charisma Myth, (New York, Penguin Group, 2012).
Gilbert, P., Baldwin, M. W., Irons, C., Baccus, J. R., & Palmer, M. “SelfCriticism and Self-Warmth: An Imagery Study Exploring Their Relation to
Depression,” Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy 20, no. 2 (2006): 183-200.
Kagan, J. Three Seductive Ideas, (Cambridge, MA, Harvard University Press,
1998).
Neff, K. D. “Self-Compassion,” in Handbook of Individual Differences in
Social Behavior, eds. M. R. Leary and R. H. Hoyle (New York: Guilford Press,
2009), 561-73.
Neff, K. D., Kirkpatrick, K., & Rude, S. S., “Self-Compassion and Its Link to
Adaptive Psychological Functioning,” Journal of Research in Personality 41
(2007): 139-54.
Neff, K. D. Self Compassion , (William Morrow, 2011).