Transcript Click Here for Tonight's Homework

I CAN REVISE THAT SENTENCE: A
LESSON ON WORDINESS
Be Concise!
IMAGINE THAT MS. B WILL GIVE YOU
one hundred BUCKS FOR EACH WORD
THAT YOU ELIMINATE, HOW MUCH
MONEY WOULD YOU GET?
On a sheet of looseleaf paper, make these
sentences stronger by deleting unnecessary words.
In addition to deleting words, this may also require
rearranging and exchanging words.
Try to keep the meaning close to the original.
This work will be collected next class.
This one is done for you
1. By the time she got home, Ms. Baker was very
tired.
Revised: By the time she got home, exhaustion
overwhelmed Ms. Baker.
* Hint: Almost always, “very” and “extremely”
are unnecessary words and should be deleted.
2. The clown who was in the center ring was
riding a tricycle.
Revise the sentence using fewer
words:
Actual Student Sentence:
3. It is very unusual to find someone who has
never told a deliberate lie on purpose.
16 words --------
4. It is expected that the new schedule will be
announced by Dr. Jordan within the next few
days.
18 WORDS--------
5. Ms. Baker dropped out of school on account
of the fact that it was necessary for her to
help support her family.
22 WORDS---------
6. Some people believe in capital punishment,
while other people are against it; there are
many opinions on this subject.
19 WORDS------
7. The teacher demonstrated some of the
various ways and methods for cutting words
from my essay that I had written for class.
22 words--------
8. And 9. Find sentences in your Mockingbird essay that
seem to be too wordy. Write two of those sentences
on your piece of looseleaf paper. Count the words.
Then, write your revised version of those two
sentences (AND FIX THEM IN YOUR ESSAY).
When you are finished with the two, look for more and
more and more. You don’t need to write these others
on your paper, but you do need to make them ALL
more concise in your actual essay.