Transcript “I can tell you who I am, what I think, feel, believe, want to do, and have done, without getting anxious or.

“I can tell you who I am, what I think, feel, believe,
want to do, and have done, without getting
anxious or worrying about what you may think
about what I have told you, even if I believe you
disagree with me and disapprove.”
“I can listen to you and not feel the need to
change you to be more like how I want you
to be.”
Differentiation means not needing to
change the other person to meet our
expectations, or change ourselves to meet
the other’s, in order to be close.
Differentiation deals with the effort to
define oneself, to control oneself, to
become a more responsible person, and to
permit others to be themselves as well.”
There is a difference between telling people
what I think and telling them what they should
think. Defining self means that we consistently
and calmly tell others what we think and feel,
without demanding that they think and feel the
same way.
Lower Levels of Differentiation
• Impulsive behavior – their behavior is not well
thought through
• An excessive amount of worry about what
other people think
• High expectations of others
• More demands of others
• More anxiety
• Relationship problems
Lower Levels of Differentiation
 Taking things personally and focusing on what
other people are doing rather than taking
responsibility for self
 Some people do not say what they think, they
give in too easily when conflict arises, and
they discount their own feelings & beliefs.
Lower Levels of Differentiation
• View disagreement as disloyalty, get angry when others
express a divergent view, and persistently argue to
persuade others to change their mind. They demand
that others comply to their expectations.
• “The more anxious, frustrated, judgmental, angry,
overly sympathetic, or omnipotent one feels about the
problems of others, the more it says about unresolved
problems in self.” Omnipotence in this case means, “I
know what your problem is and what you need to do
about it.” Michael Kerr in Family Evaluations
Two Seemingly Opposing Life Forces
A search for individuality – autonomy –
self-expression
Two Seemingly Opposing Life Forces
A search for community – relationships togetherness
Two Extremes of Low Differentiation
• At one extreme there is a pressure to conform in order to stay
together: I give up some of myself in order to keep the peace.
I discount my own feelings and beliefs, I give in too easily, & I
give up leadership and ultimately choose peace over progress.
I’m emotionally needy and demanding.
Two Extremes of Low Differentiation
• At the other extreme, in order to feel secure and maintain my
individuality – I demand compliance, I bully. I’m willing to give
up community in order to get my way. Disagreement is seen
as disloyalty. I end up arguing and debating.
Both extremes represent the same
level of emotional maturity.
Highly differentiated people show, above
all else, two prominent attributes: Welldefined self boundaries and a welldeveloped thinking inner guidance system.
People at higher levels of differentiation
are comfortable with their own wellthought-out beliefs, standards, values, and
priorities.
Clear self-boundaries.
This is who I am – this is where I stand – this is what
I will do and this is what I won’t do. I take
responsibility for my own ideas and decisions. I
can say no and set limits. I don’t demand that
others conform to my way of thinking. Don’t take
responsibility for the feelings or decisions of
others. Don’t try to control others.
Clear thinking, inner guidance system.
Beliefs, values, life goals, purpose & priorities. Well
thought through principles. My beliefs & values
are examined & in my awareness. Who do you
want to be in this relationship or in life? What are
your core values?
When a person can’t separate themselves from
another person. They take responsibility for
how another person feels or they expect the
other to take responsibility for how they feel.
Fusion
When anxiety rises, we become rather
predictable. Our thinking becomes less clear
and more reactive. We begin to see ourselves
as the victim of other’s actions. We assign
motives to others’ behavior, or we take it
personally. Demand for conformity in thinking
and behavior increases. We look for a quick
fix to the symptoms that develop. The least
mature members among us begin to attract
most of our attention.”
Fused individuals “have a deep-seated need to
be loved, accepted, approved of, and guided
by others; or conversely, to provide this for
others.”
Interpersonal Fusion
1. I give up being myself in order to keep the
peace and make others happy. I give up
being who I am so that I can get rid of my
own anxiety and to ease the anxiety in
others.
2. I take on self from others by demanding that
they comply with my wishes and give in to
me.
Fuses Individuals
• Are on guard for any sign of interpersonal
threat, always watching for any minor slight as
well as overt attacks.
• Tend to think others are responsible for their
experience or they are responsible for others.
They blame a lot.
• Have a sensitivity to criticism – so they live
their lives to avoid criticism. They also resent
or fear those who are critical.
Fused Individuals
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Seek approval & praise.
Work hard to please others.
Seek peace over progress.
Dissent is discouraged.
Feelings are more important than ideas.
 I am autonomous, I am my own person, and I have
clear boundaries & a clear thinking, inner guidance
system.
 I take responsibility for myself and only for myself. I
don’t take on the anxiety of others. I am not
responsible for someone else’s emotional well-being.
I am only responsible to them to love them.
 I express love through sacrifice, giving, and
compromise out of my own freedom to choose. I
don’t do these things out of a reaction to my own
anxiety or a need to keep the other person happy.
 I am able to rely less on the other person for
support or to “complete” something that is lacking
in me.
 I have the ability to be less emotionally reactive. I
have the ability to remain calm in the face of
others anxiety. I am aware of my typical defensive
routines.
 I can distinguish and choose between feelings and
thinking.
 Each person makes thoughtful & constructive
contributions to the relationship.