Transcript The Portable Mentor Series SM Feelings Some Practical Guidelines for Understanding and Dealing with Emotional Arousal Kendall L.

The Portable Mentor Series SM
Feelings
Some Practical Guidelines for
Understanding and Dealing with
Emotional Arousal
Kendall L. Stewart, M.D.
SOMCPress
September 29, 2002
My parents illustrated polar contrasts in emotive demonstration. Dad would just throw the church mail away unopened.
Why should I pay attention to this
presentation?
• To a remarkable—sometimes alarming—degree,
our feelings drive our lives.
• Many of us neither understand them nor manage
them as well as we should.
• Most of us either take feelings too seriously or not
seriously enough.
• This presentation will describe a practical
foundation for a more effective approach to dealing
with feelings—yours and others’.
• Managing feelings more effectively will improve the
quality of our lives.
Just recalling good feelings is a powerful motivator. My son’s miniature hole-in-one. The next night . . .
What are some effective
dealing with feelings?
• Take feelings very seriously.
• Don’t take feelings too
seriously.
• Take time to recognize
underlying feelings.
• Remember that all feelings
are legitimate.
• Express your feelings and
invite others to do the same.
• Just ignore some feelings.
• Give feelings time.
• Recruit feelings to your
cause.
• Exterminate dangerous
feelings.
guidelines for
• Learn to predict how others
will feel.
• Minimize rumination.
• Milk good feelings for all
they are worth.
• Practice emotional
detachment.
• Try to understand feelings.
• Give strong feelings wide
berth.
• Cut aroused people some
slack (but not too much).
• Look for contamination.
• Be prepared for widely
varying sensitivities.
• Learn to let go.
• Know when to give up.
A physician came in to berate me for consulting in her mother’s case.
Take feelings very seriously.
• Why should I?
– Feelings are a factor in
every interaction.
– Feelings often prompt
impulsive, regrettable
actions.
– Feelings are emotional
landmines.
– Feelings often lead to
misunderstandings.
– Learning—desirable
and undesirable—is
enhanced by emotional
arousal.
• How can I?
– Always consider them
up front.
– Monitor your own
feelings, and be
brutally honest.
– Ask others how they
feel, and create an
environment of
openness.
– Acknowledge them.
– Avoid communication
when either party is
emotionally aroused or
unprepared.
A patient misinterpreted my sighing. Another patient drew the wrong conclusion about Lysol.
Don’t take feelings too seriously.
• Why should I?
– Feelings can hold you
hostage.
– Feelings are
ephemeral.
– They are often
misleading.
– They can sometimes
be attenuated or
modified.
– They are huge demotivators.
• How can I?
– Identify all of the
available options.
– Pick the best option.
– Implement the best
option in spite of how
you (or others) feel.
– Explain why you are
going ahead in spite of
everyone’s feelings.
– Proper behavior
produces good
feelings.
It’s best to ask others how they feel. A woman’s estranged husband shot himself.
Accept all feelings as legitimate.
• Why should I?
– Because they are.
– Every feeling is a
product of perception,
sensitivity and
environment.
– Anyone in the same
exact circumstances
would feel the same
way.
– You won’t make any
progress until you do.
– Because that’s what
the Golden Rule says
you should do.
• How can I?
– Recognize that a feeling
is only a feeling.
– Don’t confuse feelings
with considered
positions.
– It’s not how we feel but
what we do that matters.
– Say, “I can see how you
might feel that way,” and
mean it.
– Clarify instead of
assuming that you know
and understand others’
feelings.
A Jimmy Swaggart-type evangelist always asked me to get the crowd going. He killed his lover in a jealous rage.
Practice emotional detachment.
• Why should I?
– Emotional arousal will
distort your perceptions,
garble your message and
make you miserable.
– Aroused, you will behave
impulsively instead of
deliberately.
– Our greatest regrets
usually originate from
moments of passionate
misdirection.
– Overreaction is epidemic
in our culture
– Emotional confrontation
can be life-threatening.
• How can I?
– Monitor your own
emotional arousal
constantly.
– Adopt the observer role
in volatile situations.
– Pray before entering the
lions’ den (and follow a
script).
– Remind yourself that
giving way to emotional
storms amplifies strong
feelings.
– When you become
emotionally aroused,
secure the hatches and
dive.
Everybody needs to be contained. Some need more containment than others. Ed tied himself in the pulpit.
Cut aroused people some
too much).
• Why should I?
– No one is perfect; we all
need grace and
forgiveness.
– The excessive toleration
of emotional outbursts is
neither kind nor helpful.
– It encourages additional
outbursts and a
dangerous escalation of
out-of-control thought
and behavior.
– Misbehavior—like a foul
gas—expands until it is
contained.
slack (but not
• How can I?
– Consider whether there is
a pattern of emotional
outbursts.
– Is the transgressor truly
sorry and repentant, or
just saying what others
want to hear?
– Assess the person’s net
worth to your life or to
the organization.
– Document misbehavior.
– Confront appropriately.
– Consider a group
intervention.
A patient refused to do anything I recommended, but became furious when I fired her.
What have I learned?
• Feelings are both more and less important that
we might think.
• After our basic needs are met, feelings become
the prime drivers in our lives.
• Misunderstood or mismanaged, feelings
regularly get us into trouble or cause us
distress.
• Understanding and managing feelings effectively
is an important key to interpersonal and
organizational success.
• Effective strategies for dealing with feelings
exist, and they can be learned and mastered
with intent and practice.
Where can I learn more?
• Stewart, Kendall L, “Feelings: Some Practical Guidelines for
Understanding and Dealing with Emotional Arousal,” A SOMC
White Paper. SOMCPress, 2002.
• Stewart, Kendall L, “Feelings,” The Portable Mentor Presentation
Series, SOMC Press, 2002. (This presentation can be downloaded
from the SOMCPress page at http://www.somc.org)
• Stewart, Kendall L. “Dealing With Negative People,” A SOMC
White Paper, SOMCPress, 2002.
• Stewart, Kendall L. The Portable Mentor for Organizational
Leaders, SOMCPress, (In Press)
How can we contact you?
Kendall L. Stewart, M.D.
Medical Director
Southern Ohio Medical Center
1805 27th Street
Portsmouth, Ohio 45662
740.356.8153
[email protected]
www.somc.org
What questions do you have?
www.somc.org
Southern Ohio Medical Center

Safety  Quality  Service  Relationships  Performance 