Transcript Global Revision Thesis and Paragraph Organization Global…what? [Global Revision] is simply the act of “reviewing and changing the ideas, reasoning, and conclusions of.

Global Revision
Thesis and Paragraph Organization
Global…what?
[Global Revision] is simply the act of “reviewing and changing the ideas, reasoning, and
conclusions of a piece of written work” (Short).
When doing global revision, here are some questions we might want to ask:
-Does the writing delivers the intention of the tutee successfully?
-Is the writing appropriate for the tutee’s targeted audience?
-Is the thesis statement too broad?
-Is the thesis statement too narrow?
-Are the relationships between the tutee’s arguments clear, appropriate, and effective?
Global Revision…why?
Because by directly attempting to correct their
mechanical errors, our tutees are raising their probability
to miss the bigger picture of their writings. Their papers
may arrive at their instructors’ desks free from
grammatical problems but also free from thesis
statements.
It is important to let our tutees know that
nobody produces a beautiful writing in one go. When
facing grade-conscious tutees, assure them by saying
that the structure and organization of their papers
generally weighs more than the correctness of their
grammar (but make sure to check with the instructor
first!).
In the following are some ways to help our
tutees in understanding the concept of global revision.
“[Y]ou may find
that the sentence
you spent twenty
minutes rewording
into beautiful and
fluid prose isn't
really relevant to
your thesis
statement and you
have to delete it
after all” (Tarbox &
Jackman).
Which of the two lawyers would you rather have?
Lawyer A:
The defendant is innocent!
(Lawyer A sits down)
Lawyer B:
The defendant is innocent because she could not perform
the murder and she lacks the motives to perform it.
(Lawyer B sits down)
An [argumentative essay] is like a [court case]
An [argumentative essay] is like a [court case].
Both have a [Thesis Statement]
In an essay:
In a court case:
“Although the process involves
continual struggle, Lauryn Hill strives
for a sense of reality as opposed to
fantasy by sharing rather than
performing her music” (Hearn).
The defendant is innocent.
Both have [Evidences] supporting their Thesis Statement
In an essay:
In a court case:
“Hill admit to feeling this pressure to
be image conscious” (Hearn).
-Evidence A: The defendant could not
perform the murder.
“Unrehearsed and unpolished, Hill
seems at ease with sharing her
emotions and imperfections.” (Hearn).
-Evidence B: The defendant lacks
motive to perform the murder.
An [argumentative essay] is like a [court case].
Most importantly, both have the same purpose:
To persuade the audience to agree with you.
Which of the two lawyers would you rather have?
Lawyer A:
The defendant is innocent!
(Lawyer A sits down)
Lawyer B:
The defendant is innocent because she could not
perform the murder and she lacks the motives to perform
it.
(Lawyer B sits down)
Which of the two lawyers would you rather have?
Lawyer A: The defendant could not perform the
murder!
(Lawyer A sits down)
Lawyer B:
The defendant could not perform the murder because
she could not be at the crime scene at the time of
murder and because her fingerprints could not be found on
the murderer’s weapon.
(Lawyer B sits down)
Which of the two lawyers would you rather have?
Lawyer A: The defendant could not be at the crime
scene at the time of murder!
(Lawyer A sits down)
Lawyer B:
The defendant could not be at the crime scene at the
time of murder because she was in her English class. The
instructor marked her attendance and her classmates could
testify for that.
(Lawyer B sits down)
Paragraph Organization
Adapted from Jon Drinnon’s “Paragraph Organization and Development: The P.I.E. Paragraph”
“The P.I.E. Paragraph” may help our tutees in understanding paragraph structure.
[P]oint
The claim: The defendant could not be at the crime scene at the time of murder.
[I]nformation
The evidences: The instructor marked her attendance and her classmates could
testify for that.
[E]xplanation
The development: These two evidences prove that the defendant was in her
classroom when the crime happened. Since she
could not be at two places at the same time, the
defendant could not be at the crime scene at the
time of murder.
Essay as a big P.I.E.
The structure of Lawyer B’s essay:
-Thesis Statement: The defendant is innocent.
-Evidence #1: The defendant could not perform the murder.
-Evidence #1A: The defendant could not be at the crime scene at the
time of murder
-The defendant was in her English class.
-Evidence 1A(I): The instructor marked her
attendance
-Evidence 1A(II): Her classmates could testify
for that.
-Evidence #1B: The defendant’s fingerprints could not be found on
the murderer’s weapon.
-Evidence #2: The defendant lacks motive to perform the murder.
Essay as a big P.I.E.
How To Write A Successful [Point]
(Thesis Statement and Topic Sentences)
Adapted from Lydia Hearn’s “Thesis Statements: Characteristics of an effective thesis statement”
1. Don’t not make your point an announcement
Don’t: I will talk about my opinion in regards of the guilt or innocence of the
defendant.
Do: The defendant is innocent.
2. Don’t be vague
Don’t: The defendant is innocent because of various reasons.
Do: The defendant is innocent because she could not perform the murder and she
lacks the motives to perform it
How To Write A Successful [Point]
(Thesis Statement and Topic Sentences)
3. Do not state only facts in your point
Don’t: If the evidences prove that the defendant is innocent then she is innocent,
if the evidences prove that the defendant is guilty then she is guilty.
Do: The defendant is innocent because she could not perform the murder and she
lacks the motives to perform it
4. Do not be unreasonable
Don’t: The defendant could not be at the crime scene at the time of murder
because the all-knowing and all-powerful I say so
Do: The defendant could not be at the crime scene at the time of murder
because she was in her English class. The instructor marked her
attendance and her classmates could testify for that.
How To Write A Successful [Point]
(Thesis Statement and Topic Sentences)
5. Do not be irrelevant
Don’t: The defendant is innocent because Kobe Bryant is the best NBA player.
Do: The defendant is innocent because she could not perform the murder and she
lacks the motives to perform it
6. Show the relationship between your arguments
Four Basic Relationships
Adapted from Diana Hacker’s A Writer’s Reference.
1. Cause – Effect
2. Contradiction
3. Addition
4. Illustration
In conclusion/To sum up/Ultimately/In the end/
In summary/Finally/The last but not least…
These techniques should be able to remedy the basic problems in essay structure in
our tutee’s writings. In fact, a De Anza College instructor still uses some of these techniques
to help her students in EWRT2 level.
This is not, however, an end-all solution to each and every problem our tutees have.
Sometimes a hearty smile helps a tutee better than an hour length of lecture.
Sources
Drinnon, Jon. “Paragraph Organization and Development: The P.I.E. Paragraph”. Jon’s
English Site. March 28. 2007. <http://jonsenglishsite.info/PIEParagraph.htm>
Hacker, Diana. A Writer’s Reference. Boston: Bedford/St. Martin’s, 2003.
Hearn, Lydia. “The Hills of Hill: Lauryn Hill’s Struggle for Reality in Her Music”. December
29. 2004. De Anza College Faculty. March 28. 2007.
<http://faculty.deanza.edu/hearnlydia/stories/storyReader$169>
Hearn, Lydia. “Thesis Statements: Characteristics of an effective thesis statement”. October 5.
2005. De Anza College Faculty. March 28. 2007.
<http://faculty.deanza.edu/hearnlydia/stories/storyReader$190>
“How to Write A Thesis Statement”. Indiana University Writing Tutorial Services. March 28.
2007. <http://www.indiana.edu/~wts/pamphlets/thesis_statement.shtml>
Sources
Jackman, Mike and Annie Tarbox. “Re/Visioning Revision”. April. 1996. WRite Away. March
28. 2007. <http://louisville.edu/provost/wroffice/new1-3tarbox.html>
Karper, Erin. “Writing a Thesis Statement”. August. 2002. Purdue Online Writing Center.
March 28. 2007. <http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/general/gl_thesis.html>
“Global Revision”. University of Virginia Writing Center. March 28. 2007.
<http://www.engl.virginia.edu/writing/wctr/global.html>
Short, Susan A. “Revising, Grammar, and Punctuation”. January 14. 2007. ShortStreet. March
28. 2007. <http://shortstreet.net/WRsec5.htm>